THIS IS (COULD BE) IT!

Good things coming my way these last few months of 2011!!!

Despite this being the most challenging year of my life emotionally; with Garry and Andrew, and having been on a crash course for “long distance is a bitch/ assholes will always be assholes/5 new ways to get your heartbroken”, I think I will come out fine. I will have battle scars and painful memories but really, that’s the case when you survive a war. I am still far from leaving the war but I’m approaching its end, where the winner surely will be me, but even this is not a guarantee. Nonetheless, I will come out fine.

It is not a war I can evade but one that was placed on the path of my destiny.


I hope to make peace with Garry and I have been trying to reach him with no avail these past few days.


And with Andrew, weeeeeeeeeeelll I like the Kid. I wanna be with him.


Still!!! Good things coming my way these last few months of 2011- in other areas of my life!


And lastly, there has been a SECURITY BREECH with my blog. Some friend of mine who’s always known about my blog told her friend who’s a girl who used to sleep and fling with Daisy’s ex man (during their relationship with D. Go figure). the girl told Daisy's ex man,the ex man told D about it and she told me.

So should I continue blogging about my quest for happiness, health and wealth on here if everything I write will soon become public knowledge??? I dunno.


This could be the last time ya’ll hear from me.


It’s been real tho and I truly, truly love ya’ll. Appreciate the support!

Peace and Love
Purple :*

HOME SWEET HOME?

USA was great! Just got back a week ago and I miss being on vacay. New York, DC ,Philly, plus its environs, the earthquake and hurricane Irene all aweeesomE!I am glad to be home though. Really, there is no place like home.

Adventure chronicles will not be posted on here (sorry) but I will tell you, if you r planning to visit the big apple, a must eat is Little Italy in downtown New York. Great food, great ambience very Italian and outdoorsish, and hot lush men. Carry your GPS and make a list of must sees before you go there…if you can purchase a metro card for the subway online before hand, that too would be great.

So..!!!

A month before I left for USA, Garry and I had been in communication – which may I add he was good at, unlike in our relationship where he said he couldn’t keep up with because of our time difference and distance. If you can recall, he contacted me first as I was visiting my friend *Kendra and her newborn. He asked me to forgive him for his indiscretions with my ex bestfriend, Daisy, asked if I still loved him, if I was interested in building a friendship post the drama etc etc. I was wary but I agreed. I will admit that over time my feelings for him started to resurface. Then one day, he called me and asked that we skype. I told him I would get back to him in a few min. I was scared that I would fall in love for sure once I saw him…half an hour later, I went online and for the first time since our break up in feb, I saw him. Mayn…

Imagine if happiness was a crystal sphere the size of a tennis ball with gold dust swirling inside it like a wind over the ocean. Imagine that every human born had one sole purpose in life and that was to find their crystal sphere and that each sphere was subject to only one owner. Talking to Garry that morning was like watching my crystal sphere through an inpenetratable glass. Maybe that’s too dramatic of a description…and I say that only because of the pain this man has caused me has caused my heart to harden… but nonetheless, this is how I would describe it in a perfect world.

It was all shy at first as we tried to adjust to the fact that we were looking at one another eye to eye after so long and couldn’t turn away from the camera. In a short while though, the butterflies settled. Watching him speak, everything looked so new yet so familiar. We talked for hours and hours well into the afternoon. The topic of Daisy came up and again he apologized incessantly. I told him that we shouldn’t talk about it and that I was over thinking about their fling. He said if there was anything he regretted in his life this it was that.

Speaking of Daisy, I have been getting strange feelings that I will talk to her soon/she will talk to me soon. My intuition is very strong and I trust it-not always accurate but it’s one of those things that gets better with time. Albert Einstein actually said that the intuition of a man is like a muscle that when used more becomes stronger. And then last week when I went t do my hair just after I got back, my hair salonist who is also D’s was giving me back my hair products that I had left at the salon throughout my trip and he had labeled them “Daisy’s friend”… I thought that was on omen.


Two weeks before leaving to the USA though, Garry went quiet on me. Immediately I thought that Daisy must be in his vicinity hence the reason for my gut feelings about her. I don’t know... but Garry when distracted by school, fam etc will hardly communicate with me. He didn’t even call to wish me well on my trip and so once I landed in NYC, I removed him from my facebook and decided that I would only talk to him in November (when he’ll be back) face to face. Besides, maybe he was just pre-gaming me so that he can have pussy once his back. Who the fuck knows.


Andrew. Andrew oh Andrew. So, we left it at what? I don’t rem…but just before USA I cut him off. I didn’t tell him about my trip and he found out only too late that I was not in his time zone let alone the continent. He went nuts blowing up my facebook. After a week or so I responded to him and reminded him that we are not on talking terms and should keep it that way. He flat out said NO, “we should not cut off communication” . and so after about 2 weeks I gave him my USA number and he called me every day therafter. I thought “if only he was this crazy about me when I am back home”… of course that was his way of dealing with the fact that I could just up and leave the country. He wasn’t into me as I had hoped. Despite the fact that he sent me 40,000 kes to spend on my trip.


Upon my arrival back to the 254, Andrew had to see me. He even had time on his usual “too motherfucking busy” weekday schedule. I drove to his office numb and uncertain. He burst into a smile when I walked in. he was so excited that even his assistants were wary of this Andrew. I was elated. He hugged me and kissed me and picked me up and I giggled like a 6 year old.

We had dinner that night and he brought up our relationship/flingationship. “Given my age Purple, if I date someone, say you, marriage has got to be in foresight. What’s your 5 year plan?”

“But you know I am scared to death of marriage. There is a reason why we still met given this age difference. I want commitment and after commitment and love I will allow myself to play with the idea of marriage”

“it seems we are in different stages of life Purple” he concluded and with that paid for the bill.

This weekend as would have happened before, Andrew would have invited me to his home…but he didn’t. He had an impromptu meeting in Naivasha and had to cancel. This time, unlike the past, he didn’t carry me on his business trip. Once he got back he was “super exhausted” form the trip and couldn’t meet with me. I was upset. Did he not miss me? Despite the fact that he was tired, he could have just asked me to come over and sleep next to him. In my anger I told him that “no we can’t talk tomorrow…” and so the following day he didn’t call me. This absolutely surprised me. Andrew would always call me no matter how upset or strung I was. Always. And he would not stop until I picked up the phone. Finally at night he called me and said that he would like to meet me during the week. Another weekday rendezvous that had never been a norm in our relationship/flingationship. “I will call you tomorrow afternoon and we can talk about meeting” he stated. By his tone,I can tell that this is a break up.

Sometimes I wonder why life is breaking my heart. I attract almost everything I want in my life from my phone, my job, the car I drive, cheap gym membership, to the books I read, preety much with ease but I cant manage to draw into my life a fair, pure and honest love.
Sigh…

Peace and love!
Purple.

LIMBO

So I wasn’t “Done”… You know how we are as females. Any public declaration of being “done” with a man is more so to the contrary – Far from “Done”.

As would any other man, when I walked away from Andrew, he chased. Chased like a Lion on a hunt expedition, like a leopard in desperate pursuit of a meal. Like animals in the wild, men chase what flee. And when they capture, they devour. I don’t need to interpret this simile much; I was the prey, he was the predator. And I grew weary of the run on this dry savannah of broken promises and scarce oasis of friends and eventually, I was caught. Put up a good fight might I just add in my defense.

And finally in the arms of this mostly indifferent beast of man with mere compassion and true feelings for me – I felt somewhat happy. Brief, abrupt, rapid, but nonetheless, happy. He is still in my life. Situation’s the same – calls only from Thursdays, and we spend every weekend together.

2 Sundays ago, after calling me incessantly on a Saturday afternoon, Andrew invited me to his house for dinner. We ate watched a movie and had a fuck. Standard operation procedure. Next day, we wake up and he has to go to Church (yes, the pagan lifestyle is just a part of him – his devotion is anchored to Sunday morning worship). I would expect that since this was the first Sunday I had been at his houses ( I mostly go on Friday nights) he would forfeigt church for me and cuddle in bed instead. Well, that was not the case. I get up, get dressed and get going (home). I couldn’t go to church with him well cuz he didn’t ask and two, I hadn’t any fresh clothes. I was hurt at his inconsideration and so I guess while we were getting ready my silence spoke for itself and he was able in interpret it. He asked about three times what was wrong and why I was quiet and so forth but I gave no indication of feeling played but instead smiled and gave him my well rehearsed “what are talking about” puzzled look. I drove home barely able to stop myself from crying.


Later that afternoon, he called. I didn’t pick and he called two more times. If only he would be that crazy about me on weekdays right? Finally I picked. He asked me to meet him at the Riverside café – our usual late Sunday afternoon spot. I declined, said I was tired and had a busy week coming up. He wouldn’t hear of it. “I know something is wrong – meet me and let’s talk”


Of course we didn’t talk about it. We had a great lunch, as we always did. Laughed, teased, flirted, kissed – very normal couply behavior. Then after we ate, it started to dawn on me that the weekend was over, which meant being with Andrew was over – until the next weekend. I need to be able to talk to the man I am sleeping with any time. Pick up the phone and tell him about my day, tell him that I miss him and I can’t wait to kiss him again- better yet, have him do all this to me.


At that point of sorrow, I said “I can’t do this Andrew”
“Do what…”
“I know you have a very busy life- but I am not happy being your weekend squeeze. Not anymore.”
“I know…”
“And its hurts knowing that you don’t want a relationship with me” I wanted to take back those words from the air and swallow them very quickly before they reached his ears.

I blurted out in an attempt to save myself from disappointment “but it’s okay. I have had a blast and I know you have too…so let’s go our separate ways.”

Silence.

He looked down and at me dead in the face. My heart was banging like a trapped beast in my chest. I felt tears heat up my eyes. “don’t fucking cry in front of him!” I yelled at myself inside and I pushed them back. And then abruptly he looked away and said nothing.

A wave of resentment and shame and pain flowed into my heart. Finally he said, “Perhaps at this point in time, we should be friends”

The last word “friends” echoed back and forth in my conscience. I started to shake my head “no. I can’t be friends”

“Why not!” he asked

“I can’t. I’m sorry if you don’t have the capability of calculating the reasoning there…but I can’t. “ I shot back

“we should go…” I slung my bag over my shoulder and signaled for the bill. Andrew didn’t move. Instead he started to speak… I sensed worry in his voice.

I put my bag back down…He put his hand on mine and started to say all these things… He wanted me to take it a day at a time. Enjoy the ride. Well, I had done that for three months now and now the ride didn’t feel like a euphoric exciting roller coaster but instead like a dreary ‘tea cup’ ride. He walked me to my car (never done that before) and kissed my cheek, then gave me a pat on my bum like he always did when he was saying gdbye. And that was it.

The following week, I was good! Living life blah blah blah.
And then came Saturday evening. Andrew calls. I pick. I’m happy to hear his voice. He says “I want to buy you that steak you like at Onami”
“aaaaaandrew!”
“what?”
“no…! You know we are not together anymore”
Silence.
“I want to see you. I miss you”
“And I miss you! But this is going to spiral out of control” I warn him
“But I want to be in a spiral out of control with you………………………….. I just want to talk they way we do”
The steak was delicious!!! Had two apple martinis and I drove home drinking water like a dehydrated camel.

That was my weekend to party and have a wild time cuz I hadn’t been out in a couple of weeks and I really wanted to let lose so when I got home and I changed into my sexy outfit and went to my same ol spot.


Guess who I met there? *David. Ya’ll remember him? Point 5 guy with the killer body and pretty boy looks? The one I stopped picking his calls as soon as Alex walced into my life? Went on a couple of dates with him? Yup. That David. I was already pretty drunk when he said hello stopping me on my way to the ladies. With my back toward the entrance, David placed his hands around my hips and talked into my ear trying not to kill my ear drum over the loud music. “You know you I’m not someone you met just the other day. Me and you go such a long way back Purple. So when I call you, just pick up the phone. You need to give me time to show you that I can be a good boyfriend to you”

HELOOOoo!! OOOOkayyy!!

And then I felt the weight of a heavy built man on my left shoulder. David was still going on and on. As I focused my eyes on this familiar body frame, the man turned around and smiled at me cheekily. It was Andrew. I did a “HeeeeYYY!!! Here he is!!!” redemption act as I grabbed his arm. David cordially introduced himself to Andrew. As I watched this two men, the point 5 ten times cuter and hotter that Andrew, I listened to my feelings undoubtedly gravitate towards Andrew. He was no point 5, never been a model, didn’t have an Israelite for a father but he was tall and masculine and tough and everything about him was reeking of testesterone. I love that.


So he took me home that night and on Sunday, he left me asleep in bed as he went to Church and came back with lunch. We spent the rest of the day together half in bed half on his ¾ acre lawn feeling the breeze. And then he took me home.

That was yesterday.

I don’t expect him to give me what I want; ask me to be his woman or love me the way I want to be loved. But for now, I am not going to break sweat about it.
Let’s just wait and see.

Peace & Love
Purple.

BAD ASS

Where shall I begin!!!

We left it at my last post where everybody warned me against Andrew. “leave him alone!!! ” “OMG Andrew is a jerk Purple are u mad” “Aiii that guy has too much ego”
Let’s re-cap shall we… Andrew is mister big masculine guy whose business card I smacked with a red kiss. The sexy Audi guy who disappeared on me after a steamy make out session at the club’s elevator only to tell me two weeks later he’s been in New York for work and is in Las Vegas for the weekend. Andrew.
Bad ASS, Rude Boy, Rough talking Andrew.

I heeded the warnings, I really did. I took it all in. And then I sat on my bed and thought, I could either stay alone and experience heartbreak all over again over the whole Garry+Dee situation, or I could be with Andrew; have him distract me. The latter was much more alluring.

And so, it began.

We would see each other on weekends and on weekdays he would, as usual hardly call me…I would try and start a little conversation, his one line responses would tick me off, I’d bitch and moan to my girls, they would either give the “I told you so” stories or the “he’s such as ass” shoulders to lean on… and it all worked fine for me. I would say, “Is this really worth it?” and then I would remember that it was either this or heartbreak. And I would opt for the “this”. Within a couple of weeks, I was used to the not calling much. I was even fine with it! I was also not thinking about Garry at ALL. My friends even said that I didn’t talk about him at all. I was pleased. I loved Andrew’s house, I loved watching him train boxing, I loved his cars and his speeding, I loved the spontaneous business trips out of town where he would carry me along, it was…okay. He was not emotionally invested in me, but I was fine with it. He taught me to be indifferent and not give a shit. I wouldn’t think Andrew and I were a match anyways! He is too short tempered and impulsive and selfish and therefore in any case I couldn’t date him nonetheless… So I didn’t invest emotionally with him as well, or so I thought.

One Friday night, I wanted more. I didn’t really have anyone to call after work, or text goodnight, or visit in the middle of the week… I have always wanted that. I knew that! But now that my basic emotional needs were catered for ie, no crying over Garry, I got laid every weekend or whenever a public holiday fell in the middle of the week, My dinner was paid for, drinks too, and I was satisfied at that basic level, I felt like I needed to move up to the next level.

That same Friday night, Andrew upset me. Correction-he hurt me. I was hurt by his actions and crude comments. Given that he is so domineering, I could not tell him how he made me feel for fear of sparking a fight. Because of how he hurt me, I felt it was time for me to leave him. He took me home with him that night, we had great sex; we always did…the next day he made b/fast and took my for my drama class,and I wore his clothes. The next day after that, Sunday now, he picked me up and we had a late lunch at the Riverside café. It was delicious. We had a great laugh, I wished his best friend, who was in the hopital, a quick recovery over his phone, and he took me home.

On Monday night, I called him.
“Hi…can you talk?”
“I’m about to leave the house…Speak” he said in his usual Andrew bad boy tone
“Whats up with the fucking attitude” I asked not really bothered for a remorseful response
“…no.. im walking to my car. Im about to drive so, speak” he said.
“ok… then um, we’ll talk tomorrow.” I said
“No its ok …” his voice was softer now
“Let me call you when youre not on the move babe…” I say
“ummmm okay” he finished flat toned.And I hang up.

Five Minutes later, he calls me back.

“Purple. What’s the matter. You sound sad” he says in a very political tone.
“well… I don’t want us to talk when you’re driving…” I respond
“NO… come on. Talk to me.”
“okay……. Um…………….. I don’t want to carry on with what we have.”

Silence.

“Why.”
“I mean…after Friday, I really cant. I am not about that Andrew”
"Okay... I know youre not about that Dew (he calls me by my Kikuyu name), . You had been feeling like this all weekend?”
“Yes I have.”

SILENCE.

“I’m sorry about Friday.” He says

And then there’s a small back and forth over the Friday night incident. He apologizes again and again.

“I know Andrew, I know. It’s okay. I just can’t carry on and I simply couldn’t wait for the weekend when you will have time to see me so that I could tell you this… I’m sorry this has to be over the phone ”

SILENCE

“Hello Andrew?”
“Look, Dew ... You’re a grown woman, so… I guess-"
The call gets disconnected! He calls back.

“Let’s talk about this later?” he says… “okay,please. I will call you later?”

I am taken aback. I had prepared myself for a break up. Later in Andrew’s words means three or four days later. Once, I had wanted to speak to him but he was busy. He was to get back to me later, and he called after three days. I know those the tell tale sign of “He’s just not that into you” but look, we’ve already gone through my other options.

I sat on the floor speechless. I was still nervous from the phone call. Was that a hint of emotion I heard in his voice? I head never heard him talk like that…with… affection.

The next day at 9am, I was busy at work when I saw “DON’T CALL” calling me (that’s the caller I.D I gave Andrew) I could nt believe it. I picked up. He was asking me how may day was. At 9 am? I told him I was a little busy, something I would never say to Andrew, but he didn’t become defensive. Instead he continued to talk about how he has to go and do this and that and that he hoped I had a great day.

Over the next few days, he called some more. Once at least each day. I was already on EXIT mode so I didn’t really reciprocate. And then a strange thing happened on that week when I was at *Kendra’s visiting her and her newborn, Garry called. YUP. Garry. He told me that he loves me and this he cant believe he let what we had go. He talked to me about the whole Daisy fling, said it meant nothing and that he thought she understood that he was in it for the sex. I didn’t care anymore. “we broke up 5 months ago Garry” I reminded him. “I know. I know. But you weren’t my gurl when I did what I did with Daisy. She was just a fling. I love you so much and I am sure of it now”

Okay! Seriously! What the fuck. What was all this.I listened to him. I had already forgiven him. But now I don’t know what in heaven’s name made him call me after such a long time. We talked for an hour. And then I sorta just forgot about it.

On Friday, Andrew called me at 8pm. I had been working late that day and was on my way to ‘Electric Avenue’ to meet my girls. He said “turn around and come to my house. Lets have a drink here and I will take you back to your friends”

“im already here Andrew, and im using the company taxi, I cant turn around. If you want o see me come!” I finished laughing

“er…my er leg is hurting today” he said obviously lying. He had had a massive boxing fight with his trainer the day before.

“Okay…!Fine” I responded in fake enthusiasm and hang up

At about 1am, I was beat. It was time to go home. I had had a good night. I turned to Wanjiru, my neighbor, whom I was going home with that night and asked her if she was ready to leave. As we were walking out, Wanjiru was stopped by one of her admirers at the club. I walked on. On my way down the narrow staircase, I spotted Wanjiru’s boyfriend. He had told her he was at home asleep and on the on the other hand, he wasnt supposed to know that she was out that night. They had been having some issues of late. The moment I spotted him I turned around and ran back up to Wanjiru and hissed “Patrick is here!!!” I was half laughing at myself and her frozen reaction when she grabbed my arm and ran to the toilet with me.

“Purple are you SURE it was Patrick!” she exhaled
“Yes I am sure! He is in a white shirt! I’m sure” I yelled back
“okay fine” And she was out the door. I stood in the toilet laughing. And then I redid my make up and walked out 5 minutes later.

I went back to my seat where my girls were at and sat, waiting for the confrontation between Wanjiru and her boyfriend to end. My gurls were all busy canoodling with their boyfriends, and so I was preety much staring into space. And so I felt sad that I was alone. That dreadful lonely feeling that always crept up on me when I was in the club was starting to tease my conscience. It had been over 5 weeks since I last felt it…since Andrew came into my life.

“What the fuck I cant believe I’m feeling this again” I murmered to myself as I buried my face in my hands. I decided that the right place to go and cry would be the bathroom, and so I stood up to head there. When I raised my eyes to look up, I saw Andrew.

He had just walked into the club. His giagantic bouncer-like frame and masculine shoulders were paving through the crowd in front of him in his arrogant swagger.He was saying hallo to Wanjiru now, and she was pointing out my location for him. My heart banged so hard when I processed what I was seeing. In a fraction of a second I spun my head the other direction, pretending I hadn’t seen him. I walked to Puppy, my BFF, and told her that Andrew was in the club! She couldn’t believe it. “did you tell him you were here???” She asked demanding an answer… “Well kind of! But not really. I didn’t tell him to come! I just told him I was coming to meet yal here. And he said his leg was fucked so he couldnt come or whatever”

So…
That whole night, Andrew was like…really, into me. He paid attention to me 100%. Holding me close, whispering shit in my ear… When normally he’d say something stupid and ide walk off to chat with someone else and he would just let me go, laughing at my highly strung nature, this time he pulled me back to him, coaxing a smile outta me. I mean that’s normal couple behavior, but Andrew is NOT like that. His bad ass. I have pretty much only dated bad boys…so I know them. And Andrew is the worst. But that night… that was unusual

I didn’t go home with him that night as I always spent every Friday over at his house. He was disappointed. Asked me why I made up my mind to go to my own home so quickly. “But Friday night is u and me..” he said. I didn’t know how to accommodate this new Andrew. I wasn’t sure whether to trust it or not. He was very…intouch. But the moment he realized this, he was back on Bad boy mode, making that downward sneer as he said “It’s cool.” And I would say “I’ll come over tomorrow.”

As I was driving home with a drunk Wanjiru who’s man left her at the club after their confrontation, Andrew called…asked if I was okay to drive, where I had reached and that I must call him once I get home.

Following day, I went to his house.

To repay his kindness, I bought him an expensive painting which he said he would hang in the living room the following week. There was no emotion attached to the gift really. I just bought it – as a response to his kindness.

I didn’t know where we stood or why he didn’t bring up the fact that I dumped him already. So I just went with the flow. Garry called me at some point that day, and Andrew was watching my face burst into a smile when I saw his caller ID. He asked me about Garry. I told him he was nobody. He didn’t believe me.

The following week, this week, I thought that Andrew and I had generated a new culture given he’s previous week’s actions. One where he called me on weekdays as well as weekends and called me on my way home to say he will miss me.But that wasn’t the case. He didn’t call on Monday or Tuesday. On Wednesday I wrote him a text. “Lord Andrew, Im fine thanks. How are you!”

His response “I’m good. Mad busy. Tax deadlines”

We were back to our usual on liner texts it seemed.

I do appreciate that Andrew helped me get over Garry. I am also very much aware that what we have is 70% more likely to fail as a relationship and 100% more likely to work as a fling. But now, I want more. Maybe not from him, but I cant carry on this way.

Garry’s been calling me and texting me everyday since last week. I always pick. Andrew wont call. So why not.

But I think now, I should cut them both off.

Garry is into me because he knows I have a man. Andrew can only have me as an accessory to his sex life. And with both men, I cant survive for long without breaking down. So yesterday, before writing this blog, I asked Andrew on text “Hey,tax deadlines met? Can we meet today?”
Please note that Andrew is always “too busy” on weekdays to give me the time of day. But I was testing the genuinity of this new'into me'act.

His response was non lucid “Not Yet!”

He didn’t mention my request for a rendezvous. Typical. So I responded, “Well my dear! Have yourself a lovely weekend. Pay up soon. Tax evasion is a crime :-) ! TATA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

He got the hint. He knew I was on my way out the door. A text came almost immidiately “You can come and watch me fight if you like”

And I replied “Naaaah thanks. MWAH”

Im just bored of his shit. I don’t care about how busy he gets and how he works out everyday after work and how Al Capone needed a shot (His Doberman mutt who I baby sit from time to time) or whareva! I belive him, I know he is extremely busy, but I mean haha…don’t you know how to use your phone.

I have been ignoring his calls and messages and I think today he has had enough and he sent a text saying "I will never call you again :-)". What are we? Sixteen???!!!Whatever rocks his boat mayn. I dont even care that my favourite heels are at his house. But I think for now, Im DONE. No M.O.S.K no nothing... jus me my self and I.

Tonight, I drink!

Peace & Love
Purple

CALL ME

Saturday Morning

Surprisingly no hangover from the ‘early night’ out with the colleagues.
My phone beeps… it’s a text message. I’m lethargic to open it.

Hey, how you doin? I’m back! Just landed


It was Andrew. This was the first of any contact he had made with me since he told me he was in Las Vegas two weeks prior. I ask him how the trip was. He’s response is brief and direct to the point. He uses a full stop every few words and I get the sense that he may not be interested in talking to me, yet he’s the one who made contact… so I go ahead and bloody say what I want to say,

That was a long trip. I shuda told you to get me an I-heart-NY t-shirt n jersey… It’s nice to hear from you again. So, you have my number handsome; ul let me know if you’re interested in seeing me again. Welcome back! Xoxo

Saturday night

I stayed home. By probably 11pm I was willingly deep in party free slumber… At 2.30am I woke up to go for a pee. I peed. And then I went to bed. Before allowing sleep to take over me, I checked my phone out of habit, in my one eye open routine so that sleep doesn’t escape my eyes and I saw ‘1 new message’. I opened it and found a text message from *Andrew;

Where are you?

The message had come in just 15 minutes before I woke up to use the bathroom.
And I respond…

Stayed in tonight. I’m in bed... I assumed he was at the rave and wanted to see

For a moment I was repulsed by his eagerness to get back to the Nairobi party scene not even 24 hours after his arrival. Plus I was still displeased by the fact that in the two weeks he was in the US, he hadn’t called me. By this time I had already crossed him from my list…you know, stopped seeing him as a potential boyfriend. The next day when I woke up fresh and early, happy to receive the Sunday morning in my cozy duvet, I check my phone to see a text from Andrew…

“So did I, how did you sleep?.” probably the first comma I’ve seen in his messages to me.

I must say I was a little surprised that he was bothered with me. So I told him I slept well and then I asked him what he was doing up at 2 in the morning texting me. He responded by saying in one short sentence-“couldn’t sleep” full stop. And I write
Oh yeah, you’re still on New York time. Oh well the world was ending yesterday so at least you would have been awake to see the second coming.
And then he responds

Ha ha ha! That’s right!

So I get the sense, once again, that he is done with the conversation and I don’t send ANOTHER text. Got up, made breakfast and in the afternoon met up with my girls at the Village Market, did a nice afternoon lunch, met a guy I was totally crushing on and then I got home and went to bed ready for another dragging week at the office.

Monday morning; 6.45am

I am downstairs having breakfast when I hear my cell ring from my bedroom where I had left it charging. I run upstairs sure that it’s my neighbor Caitlyn, calling to tell me that she will come get me for work at such and such a time. Surprise, surprise as I see Andrew’s caller ID.

Really; surprise, surprise.

He sounded like he had just gotten up and was still in bed. He said, “I have been holding my breath hoping that you would call me.”

I was thrown off track. What the hell is this guy talking about? He’s the one who texts me like he doesn’t want to really talk to me. And I never initiate conversations with guys who are still on the ‘hitting on me’ stage… I tell him I thought he was done talking to me. He has no idea what I’m talking about. He asks “what were you up to yesterday. I would have liked to meet you” and I tell him about the plan for Village Market. And he says “I woulda come if you told me”

"I cant call you Andrew” I laugh
“why not?” he asks
“because that’s not how it goes. You call me.” I explain
“okay… can I see you today? After work maybe?” he asks
“Yeah…” I respond happy as a fukn fat kid with candy
“what time?” he asks
“Well I’m going to the gym so…”
“okay, call me in the evening and we can plan it”
And I laugh…
“Or I should call you?” he asks and I can feel his smile in his voice
“Yes…”
“Okay…I will.”


He picks me up ten minutes earlier than we had planned. I like people who keep time. His car is Sexy as hell. He asks “dinner or drinks?” and I’m reminded of the buffet park date (gag) (refer to former blogs) and I say… “Maybe we have dinner while having a drink”. I wanted to sound diplomatic and mature and up to his level of intelligence. You see Andrew is over thirty. I am twenty three. He’s is a big man both physically and in the corporate world who has pretty much made it … and works out by boxing in his home gym. Hence the Mohammed Ali signed boxing gloves he mentioned over dinner. I have never dated a ‘rich’ guy, much less an older man so I was very much in unfamiliar territory. He had all the control.

At dinner as we were looking at the menus, he glanced at me indecisively and asked me what I was going to have. I said “chicken lemon w/salad?’ He looked down at the menu and mumbled under his breath that he too wanted something light but he really like the French fries the restaurant served. When the waiter came, notebook firmly in hand, I was getting ready to give him my order when Andrew beat me to it and said “She’ll have a chicken lemon with salad and red wine, sweet yes? And I will have the same but with French fries (then he looked at me and smiled) with a double gin and tonic please…” I was all over sudden fascinated by him. I had wanted a man who took the reins. A man who was confident and comfortable in his skin, a man who looked at me with interest as I spoke and yet spoke himself spoke of greater things. A man who was not afraid to put his arm around my waist and pull me closer to him and talk to me inches from my face…

The date went great. We laughed so much at the stories we shared that I soon forgot my nerves. Andrew kissed me many times that night. He had moved from his side of the table to mine to be close to me and he liked it when I let my hand wander over his back and neck. He said I was ‘smooth’ and would get a lot a** if I was a guy. I shrugged conceited, and he laughed. Outside my house he opened for me the door and kissed me. He said he would see me again, soon.

As I went to bed that night, the memory of Garry came to me. In comparison, honestly, Garry was not so mighty anymore. Andrew was bigger than him, smarter than him, more attentive and funnier. All over sudden I felt on top of the world and said a little prayer that he may fall in love with me.
The next day, I sent him a text to respond to one he had sent to me after the date but was already asleep by the time it came. He didn’t reply. At around close to lunch time, I sent a message saying,

“Now it’s me you have holding my breath for a text/call etc…”

Less than a minute passed and he called. He had been really busy and thought he had already texted me. He said he was sorry. I was extremely calm and secure and told him it was not a problem. He asked me what my day would be like and I gave him my schedule. Then he made laugh a little and said “okay have a nice day”. The rest of the day, there was no communication from him. I wondered if I was being needy. I went to the gym and eased off my stress. Back from the gym at 8pm, there was still no word from him. At 10.30pm, I was on the edge. I hated it when I needed someone. I knew all the rules of not contacting a guy if he doesn’t contact you esp at the beginning of a relationship. I couldn’t help it. I really couldn’t and so I texted him…


‘Hey Andrew. How was your day. I’m about to turn in…”

He responded immediately…

“Day good. Me too. Very tired.”

I read the text again. And again. Was he being rude or was he being his usual non-descriptive self. I couldn’t tell. I felt like a stupid girl having texted him.
This was all yesterday. Today I have not contacted him and neither has he contacted me. Its 2.57pm. Surely even at his lunch break he wouldn’t have halad…no? I don’t get it sometimes. Men are so oblivious. Then again I’m probably not on his mind now that he is not calling me at 6.45 in the a.m or texting me at 2 am at night.

Ef this.



Peace & Love
Purple

Ps: David sorta stood me up twice last weekend due to the nature of his extremely busy job and due to his ‘delay’ I went on the date with Andrew. David wont stop apologizing and asking for a date this weekend. I don’t know what to do…

POST BETRAYAL

I don’t have much purpose for this post…
I have inspiration but no purpose if you get what I mean. There is no punch line, uh-huh moment or anything of the sort.

After receiving the news last week about Dee Dee and Garry I took three days off work. Actually, let me rephrase, I got the news after I had conveniently taken three days off work. I believe that was God/Universe/The Higher Being trying to cushion my fall. Like I always say, I don’t believe in coincidence.

First day off, I spent the whole day in bed. Crying and reminiscing.

Second day off, I finally picked up David’s calls and accepted his offer to have lunch. The date was splendid as I fairly talked about in the previous blog.

Third day off, I promised myself to draw and to consolidate my music in an organized file, and also to lay on the grass of our backyard with my arms and legs spread out.

I had been looking at the grass since we moved into the new neighbourhood a month ago and had really been wanting to do that but the day that Daisy called me-the day she told me about the sexapade with Garry, I had picked her calls in the backyard cuz you know, connection issues with international calls… As I stood in the grass barefoot staring down, listening to the details of my bff and ex bf, I realized that there were millions of tiny grass bugs in the grass. I walked around the lawn looking at these minute creatures scurry around at the stomp of my foot… these little fuckers only think about food and water. And now running away from my feet… and maybe the birds…. See I am extremely TERRIFIED of insects. I would rather a warthog chase me than a locust creep up on my back. At least you can see a warthog. So that day, I didn’t lie on the grass. I didn’t want the bugs getting on me, finding a nest in my hair and crawling into my ears at night when I’m asleep, like that movie I saw when I was a kid about the Trans Atlantic Slave Trade where some white guy got a roach in his ear from the African bush and the natives had to get it out by pouring hot wax from a candle in his ear…

And I decided to have a drink instead.
Called my neighbour *Janet and we downed a few glasses of wine. I opened up to her about Garry and Dee Dee. She went into complete hysterics about why on earth I would still be talking to Daisy. I explained to her that I genuinely loved and understood her… She thought I was a loser. I am not.
Didn’t draw or consolidate my music/lyrics that day...

Garry sent me a text … said he was sorry for hurting me and ruining my friendship with Dee Dee…and that I should think of him as a bad memory in my past. Piece of shit was just trying to say that he is okay with me hating him and that he doesn’t mind if I think ill of him. That, ladies is how a mayn tells you that he really doesn’t give a shit. If he cared he would be trying his best to make sure I didn’t think ill of him. “They’re [dee dee & gee gee] probably popping champagne in the rusty Outback watching kangaroos mate”, I thought to myself that night.

I was a wrecked mess last week.

On Friday the 13th, I woke up waiting for the curses of the day to hit me. ‘’Three bad things…they always happen in threes…” I told myself. Let it just be known that I don’t believe in that stuff and that I am all about creating and maintaining positive energy ( well I try my best to)…but that day I guess I kind of wanted the shit to happen cuz I felt that way.

As the law of attraction would have it, three really shittty things happened to me. One with Baby, yes, the well known EX, the other with David, and the last with Daisy-as a result of stories a good friend of hers who’s been in love with her for forever told me.

I sent a really crude message to Baby and the other to Daisy at the height of my drunken night. It’s just marvellous that these are two people who’ve broken my heart.

The next day I woke up hangover-very familiar feeling those past few days. It saddened me what I had become and I wept in bed before realising it was 1 pm and I had a shit load to do. So I slithered out of bed partly wishing I never woke up to see another day.

I met dad downstairs shining as bright as a button and informed him that I would not be sleeping home that night; that it was Leila’s boyfriend’s birthday and I would be attending his party and given the logistics of what I had to that day and still attend the party, it would only make sense if I slept there.

I did my hair, bought Eric (the birthday boy) a bottle of ‘Magic Moments’ vodka, shopped for leggings and got a pair, briefly met with David as he was from a meeting and was heading to the gym, then home and said he would come for the party after a nap and shower. After, I planted my ‘its gana be a good night’ smile and showed up.
The house party was unexpectedly awesome…! I enjoyed myself to bits with my oh-so-cool-super-girl-crew. I missed my girls-had been a while since we had all been together like that. And I love that we are still so close after so long… After the house party we went to the club.

I think I looked preety darn good that night… in fact the whole oh-so-cool-super-girl-crew did! We’re a gang of six hottt awesome amazing ladies: Sassy, Black Rose, Puppy, Bootyfull, Leila and myself (sure ive mentioned them all before)… We have never had a fight that’s lasted more that twenty minutes long and we all have a mutual respect for one another. I was just talking the other day with Sassy that we as a click have never fallen out and that it truly was a blessing… So, here we all were at the club, making a scene with our youthful carousing and hearty revelry.

I sat on the lounge chair with this all too familiar feeling in my heart...if yal know what I mean. Around me, all my gurls (well except two who got a litol too tipsy at the house party to come) were swinging in the arms of their boyfriends. Ya’ll don’t even know what I’m talking about because I can’t describe the happiness that I was amidst. All my girls are in healthy happy relationships, all over one year old - and that’s as real and as close as I can get. I was at a freaking date night and didn’t even realise it…on my own all dolled up in my pink hugging dress and aviator heels cut low enough to show my ankle tattoo. It was nice watching them, all of them, laughing and giggling with their better halves at inside jokes, sharing and exchanging dirty looks, and then calling me up occasionally for a third wheeler dance. Oh and you shoulda seen Puppy! Christ even I felt in love just by lookin at her. See her & Daisy r who I call my best friends cuz I am closest to them, but my whole crew are preety much my best friends…That’s the happiest I had ever seen Puppy… Smiling the WHOLE night!!! The Whole night!!! Rem I told you she’s like the hottest chic in Nairobi...? She looked so beautiful and so happy that she woulda lit up my house with her glow. She was finally reunited with the love of her life after four years of separation by oceans & continents…He looked happy as fuck too. Everyone did. Bloody fantastic.

Well at least Janet was there… and she kept me company… I still had a great night. Ended up coming home tho…cuz Janet, Mandy and I r from the same neighbourhood and Mandy had her car so I hitched a ride… I could only imagine going to Aggie’s, where the party was and where everyone was going back to after the rave and having to cover my ears with a pillow to muffle the groans of moans of passionate love making from all the happy couples there. No pun ya’ll... but you know… that would kind of be hard for me.

Woke up dreading another Monday… got to work and well, its Monday night… Six pence none the richer’s playing  on DSTV radio and it feels so not another teen movie in my head right now.

David didn’t show by the way. It’s okay.

Daisy and I are not talking now… Haven’t heard from Garry since his text… I wish them both utmost misery. Well you know, if they end up together… like I hope he wakes up and doesn’t like her morning breath, or she finds his unflushed poop in the toilet as she’s going to brush her teeth… or she finds him drooling on her pillow as he snores with his mouth wide open or that maybe he wakes up and discovers she’s a night farter… mmh, I could write a song about that.

But if they don’t end up together, well, I hope that my friendship with D is fixed and that, Garry thinks of me everyday in the ‘depths of his despair’- Adele

Peace & Love
Purple

WHO'S GOT YOUR BACK: PART 2

PART TWO:
Andrew didn’t say much to me after our steamy rendezvous. I was too proud to call him first and simply tried to pick and prod the whole situation with my girls at work.

Next weekend, Anthony David was coming to town. No way on earth was I missing that concert. Gat advance tickets decided that I would wear the dress that Daisy had sent for me from Australia just a few days ago with her brother (along with Adele’s new album 21).

Concert day-I was syked. Did some errands with Catelyn my neighbor and got home just in time to shower and change for the concert. Still no word from Andrew or Daisy or Garry for that matter. I got home and changed my mind about wearing the dress. Wore leggings, ankle length boots, a top and a boyfriend jacket…

The concert was great. After that the girls and I packed my car (my momma’s car) and headed to electric avenue, aka Westy. Club number 1: Bachus. Hoped to bump into Andrew there but there was no sign of him or his car. Went to another club, same club that Andrew and me were getting busy, and by then I was drunkish. Walking into the club, I spot *David in front of us. He’s hot. Light skinned, looks like he gyms everyday by the size of his arms and tone of his thighs and is commercially too bloody cute. Not my type. For the body, I would def say it’s a yes, but the pretty boy Justin Timberlake face and light skin, naaat so much. He’s also an old friend. Been knowing him since I was 12years old and he 15. I yelled, “Omigaaad why them jeans so tight!” and my girls burst out laughing. He turned around in a staggering motion. Omigosh he cannot be drunk! For the longest time I knew David, he was a health freak and never drank alcohol. He laughed after seeing me and we hugged. He leaned on me a little longer than usual. “Jeez how’d u get so high!!!”I asked him, and he stammered “don’t judge me Purple, been a tough day”… I promised not to and said I would see him at the club.

At the club I am bored stiff. The music is pounding in my ears and the alcohol tastes like bitter herbs. I want to go home. Self pity creeps in… I start to think about how I am a single girl clubbing every weekend looking for happiness and never finding it. I’m done clubbing…I need to start drawing again. That’s what I’ll do with my Saturday nights. And now that I’m starting piano classes I can think of some melodies for the songs I’ve written. I look back at my past relationships. Baby was the last serious like, proper serious boyfriend I had and that relationship failed… and then I thought of Brit… Ya’l remember him? He was such a good man, and then I thought of motor cycle guy and then of Garry. I looked at my phone. “No more drunk texts girl please...” I pleaded with my conscience. I drunk text, “This Usher song reminds me of the day you were dancing in my house… (plus some another rubbish I wrote)” , finish, send.

David stumbled towards me. I tried to avoid eye contact. I didnt want to talk to anyone. “Heeeeyy Purple”… his eyes were dancing and his face brightened up as he smiled at me with that infectious gorgeous grin. “Looking good!” he drawled. “Thanks…” I responded looking down at my boots. “Hey Puppy!” he yelled over the music to my girl. Ahh so that’s why he’s here… Puppy’s like the hottest chic in Nairobi. I moved back tryna give him room to talk to her. But then he moved when I moved and made himself comfy next to me. “Mayn the girls in this club!” he exhaled, “wooH, had to get away, they were bugging me.” he finished, giving away his signature smile. I got a flash of the Colgate advertisement. “Well maybe if you hadn’t broken bad looking this good, you’d be sitting here with us!” I joked. He leaned into my ear… “Where is your boyfriend…what was his name…?” he looked up squinting trying to remember.

“Hahaha, Baby? We broke up a year ago! I think it will be two years in October…!” I shouted back.
“No! has it really been that long?” he asked astonished. I nodded back smiling. “it has been a minute!”
“You really loved that guy Purple.” He began. “But you were sad weren’t you? How come you never called me?”


You see, David and I grew up in the same church. When he was in his mid teens, he became an usher for the youth service. When I turned fourteen, a friend of mine who had the hugest crush on David convinced me into becoming an usher with her so that she could be close to him. At 14 I didn’t really have a type and I thought he was cute too so I said why nat. All through high school, David had always been someone I looked up to. He became head usher for the teen service at some point and I remember I used to see him like he was my boss and big brother. He said to me one day, “Purple, maybe you should get a looser fitting skirt. You know how the people from the main Church are.” I was growing hips at that age and everything I owned started to get tight. So I always felt fat and took this as an insult and never looked at David with dreamy eyes ever again. To me he was dead.

In University, we joined the same school. Girls thought he was lush. I didn’t see it. By then, if you were not dark and handsome, I never looked your way. He would come up to me and say, “Purple, call me sometime. You don’t look too happy with this guy.” This was towards the end of my relationship with Baby. I didn’t call David cuz it sounded like he wanted to preach to me. And my relationship with religion had greatly deteriorated by this time.
David kissed me that night. Three times. I kissed him back. For the hell of it. He never left my side. He made me promise that I would call him once I got home. I reminded him that I was fine and that he was just drunk and I wish him well. He said he would call me the next day to prove that he is very aware of what just took place.
He called. Wanted to see me. I was too hangover. He called again, “when r u free then, I want to show you something” “Well I want to take three days off work from tomorrow so we can plan something.” Done.

At night, I paced around my room and finally text Andrew.
“Hi Lov… So, now that I am in moderate limbo, can I just ask; do you have a woman? Am I too young? Nat you type? Maybe a lousy kisser? I can take it, really.”

Two minutes later…

Ha ha ha! None of the above. I’m in Las Vegas, Nevada!... hence my silence bayb.

“As in U.S.A?”

“Yup”

“Party scene here nat enough for you? Had to go to sin city!!! I don’t buy that excuse for the silence, but I’ll take it. Work or Leisure?”

“New York for work, Vegas for the weekend. I think you are extremely hot Purple… there was no pun intended. Pole for the silence”

“Okay, get me a chip from that place of the ‘Hangover’ (movie)..what was it, ‘Ceaser’s Palace? You rem when the retard asked the receptionist in the film… “Did he really live here? You know… Ceasar?”

“Ha ha ha! I miss your humor P. Was there last night. Bring you a chip then.”

Monday morning, I send Daisy a message. I want so much to tell her about Andrew and how I’m crazy about him and also about David. But with the way she has been acting lately, I wonder if I should even bother. But then she really gets me… and I start to feel bad. I have to fix this, I think to myself.

So I send her a message. It’s pleasantries at first but she’s almost same ol’ D! I’m excited and feel that the time is right to mention to her that there is a strain that I think we should fix. Garry should be behind us. He has no stake in defining our ten year friendship. Along the conversation, she apologizes for closing up to me and says that that is just how she is when she senses anger or judgment from people (she’s referring to the time when I lost it after she told me about Garry hitting on her). I apologized for my quickness to anger.

“Are you ready to talk about Garry” she said/texted
I had no fucking idea where this was going but responded “I’m all in…”
And she begun.

From the moment she landed in Melbourne, Garry did not leave her side. He was the perfect gentleman, opening doors for her, paying her bills, refilling her glass, cupping her face in his hands and declaring her outstanding beauty… she was confused. She didn’t like it. This was my turf, she reminded herself…and she didn’t like smokers besides. But Garry was persistent.
On the day that she had to drop her little brother at the airport to return to Nairobi, Garry insisted on coming along. So there they were like a cute family, driving to the airport. After that they went to the club where they would wait for the rest of the gang. Girls were literally chasing Garry around the club she said. He was lusted over by women in Melbourne and Sidney and he knows it.
One girl, as they were sitted talking and Garry was busy getting jealous over some other guy talking to Daisy, climbed onto a speaker and started dancing trying to get his attention. She had no panties on. Garry walked away. From the bar, Daisy looked back and saw him walk away from another bunch of girls that were all over him. He came to her with a drink in his hand for her. She was blown away at how all these girls wanted him but all he wanted was her.

Later that night/or some night… he kissed her. Over and over and over. He said that he wanted her. She declined, he groaned, “but why Dee-Dee”; he already had a pet name for her. And she said “you know why”…and with that went to bed. I assume I was the ‘why’.

The next day, they hooked up. She was ashamed and didn’t like it. She asked her friend from Sidney, Gabby, if she should tell me what she just did. Gabby warned her against it. And then she had sex with him again.

It was his birthday now. She took him bowling. At first he was apprehensive, but finally agreed to go. He turned out to be great! He even hit a strike! YIPPEE-FUCKING-DEEE!!! And then he said, “It’s all cuza Daisy”. And now! By then, they were a couple. He introduced her as his woman. And they had sex again.

One of Gabby’s friends had come along from Sidney with Gabby because she wanted to hang out with Garry. She was absolutely in love with him. On his birthday, she bought him a cake and surprised Garry at the house while Daisy was in the shower. She told Garry about her feelings for him, but he said he was feeling Dee and wasn’t interested. She took a flight back to Sidney that night.

As ya’ll may remember, Garry was to call me on his birthday, he didn’t.

As Dee Dee and G were watching movies in each other’s arms after a meal that one of them cooked for the other one evening, Sue walks into the house and stops dead in her tracks at this grotesque sight.

See Garry lived with three people in this house; Himself, Robert and Sue. Sue was extremely in love with Garry. Sue’s name was on the lease.

She marched to Robert and said, “I want that bitch out of my house!”
Garry wouldn’t have any of it. “If she leaves, I leave!” and Sue relaxed her grip. Daisy was uneasy. “Maybe I should leave” “no stay”. He was firm.

God knows if they had sex again, because she mentioned his loud snoring. Which I had told her about when me G were together…and we laughed about it. Garry said defensively, “it’s because I was sleeping on my back!” Sleeping on his back because he was holding me in his arms…

After everybody had gone back to their respective cities, Daisy stayed behind and played house with my ex mayn. Later on, she saw it fit to leave.

In Adelaide, they were eager to continue what they had started. G asked her to go online and they talked every so often. He was now pursuing a similar long distance relationship with her. Like he did with me.

“Its going to be hard Purple, but it will make us stronger.” He said to me once.


After some time however, Daisy said that she could no longer continue with the relationship. He couldn’t stop talking about all these girls that were hitting on him and saying stuff like “what are you going to do…”

By this time I was crying on my bedroom floor. It was as if the pain in my chest was too heavy because my entire upper body was on the ground, my face burning with tears. Daisy went on and on about the relationship/fling. She wasn’t holding back. Not that I wanted her to, but it hurt too much hearing all this; in detail.


My dream, my six foot one, dark skinned heavy built muscular I’ll pay for your ticket in June I can’t wait to kiss you again of a man was sleeping with my best friend.

As she lay it all down on the table for me, Garry's image kept on coming into my mind-when he undressed and stood naked in front of me, fearless; his hefty body glistening in the dark, before devouring me. An image I replayed in my mind every single day in wait of his second coming, and now she was the woman on the bed. Unbelievable.

And then I remembered the day he broke my heart. I am extremely uncomfortable with crying in front of people but I called Daisy, and she came to my house, and nursed me day after day, back to proximal happiness. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I had never felt this way about any man. Ever. And she knew this. I used to be the hugest skeptic of love at first sight, until I saw Garry. Folks, it exists.


I threw up two times that mornining. And my acidity came back.


I do not believe in coincidence.
There is a reason he came into my life. There is a reason that Daisy was there for me, and there is a reason she was the one who did this to me.

It’s been two days since I got the news. I’m much better now.


Had my first date with David. He saw my artwork and was convinced that I am sitting on a prime talent. He makes me blush and such, kissing my cheek at lunch and holding my hand under the table when I am talking. He’s absolutely gorgeous. Inside and out. He’s determined, passionate and sweet. And he believes in me. For some strange, reason, he does. I dunno why…

Andrew hasn’t spoken to me since Sunday, aka, Las Vegas.

Garry and me spoke on Monday when Daisy broke the news to me. He apologized for everything. Even for breaking communication with me that day many weeks ago. He said, “I’m not into her”... And many other things about Daisy I choose not to write on here.

Daisy and I are still friends. She apologized incessantly… I try to be empathetic to her. That she had missed being loved and Garry swept her away. She swears that she is not interested in him in the slightest bit anymore. He is immature and smokes…she says. I love Daisy… I hate that she did this to me. She had a bigger stake in our friendship and Garry was just being single, I tried to explain to her. He fucked up for sure by banging my best friend, but, I mean, if he was fucking some other bitch who am I to give a damn? D on the other hand, like I said, had a huge stake with me. And so, the betrayal lies with her. Never him.


I don’t know for sure what happened between them but just as Regina Brett said, all that matters is that you loved.


Peace and Love,
Purple.

WHO'S GOT YOUR BACK?

For oloyal who are ganna read this, go head and toss in some microwave popcorn and pop open a coke cuz this is a gana be a block buster ride…!

Disclaimer: It has been over 4 months since Garry and I parted ways. I am still in love with him.

PART ONE
About a month ago, there was this huge rugby tournament in Adelaide, Australia. The Kenya sevens team was going to be taking part and so of course the entire Kenyan diaspora in Australia would be attending.

Remember one of my best friends who I named *Daisy on here? She studies in Adelaide. And as you all well know, Garry’s in Melbourne.So… a week before the rugby tournament, Garry and me have a HUGE fight and he says he never wants to speak to me ever again. “We are cutting all modes of communication Purple!” he retorted into my ears over and over. (ref to former blog)

During the rugby tournament, Daisy sends me a text on ‘whatsapp’ (as will be our main mode of communication for the rest of this story) telling me that she just spotted G in Adelaide at the rugby after party and he was wearing the t-shirt I bought him. Garry had just gotten them into the club for free and he looked good. Et cetera … so I ask, “is he with another girl, who is he with, has he talked about me?”… this went on for… a while. I'm excited she tells me all this! And then she was back to partying.

I didn’t talk to her again that whole weekend cuz I was losing my mind thinking about Garry and I didn’t want to hear what he was up to just yet. Finally I think what was a week or so later I texted her… How was it, How was G, did he speak of me? And her response was vague and somewhat evasive. She probably thought that her response was normal but I pick up these things from people who are close to me. How we talk, has always been very detailed and lucid, and given that I was asking about the so called love of my life no-man-has-ever-had this-impact-on-me person, her formless words raised a warning sign pretty much instantly. After a few more attempts she did mention that when she brought up my name on the table (they sat together at the club) he stood up and walked off. Oooooo-ooo.

A couple of days later, after everyone was back in their respective cities, she tells me that Yes indeed, he did mention my name. He pulled her aside from the crowd and started to tell her why me and him broke up. That he wanted her to hear his side of the story. That he genuinely liked me and he meant everything he said to me, and that I am a good girlfriend and know how to treat a man, but the long distance and the realization that this was heading to a serious relationship scared him half to death and he just couldn’t go ahead with what we had planned together.

Question: what role did she have in Garry’s life that was so important that he had to defend himself to her?

She said to me, girl he really likes you. But I think G is the kind of man that you have to wait for to grow up because he is immature. You should date him when he is like 26 cuz he was oogling over chick’s asses like he was 13. I was so irritated.

Question: He is a free man, I am nat he’s woman no more and I know I gat my own fine behind so I’m nat insecure there thank the Lord ( and ma mama)…but why on earth though do you give a damn what he’s oogling over? Why were you irritated? Mmh…

A couple weeks later I am sitting at my office cubicle bored out of my mind and I start to entertain my suspicions about Daisy. I write a song, about it. And I love it. I show it to Ronnie (6ft dark chocolate candy mayn ladies I can hook ya’ll up) and he thinks it’s awesome. He says “maybe you should ask this girl you’re talking about if she’s creeping with Garry” (so he knows the whole G story but nat about Daisy et cetera) And I say “she’ll think I’m crazy I don’t have any basis for such a question” and he says as a matter of factly, “Yeah you do. Look at what you just wrote”

I took out my phone two days later, and asked her…
“Babe I need you to be real honest with me. Is Garry hitting on you?”
She took thirty minutes to respond.
“Honestly, babe, I think he is.
But I’m not sure… he wouldn’t leave my side during Adeleide sevens (the rugby tournament – and this is like two weeks later). He was always where I was, saying stuff like he doesn’t want niggaz to hit on me /disturb me, at first I thought it was because I was hanging out with his baby cousin’s friend!”
I say, “Its okay. I knew. I just wanted to hear it from you”
She responds, “OH mY GOD HE TOLD YOU?????????!”
And I’m taken a back by her surprise and say, “No, I just felt it…”

I walk to the ladies bathroom and lock the door behind me and break down. Last time I cried like that was when Garry told me that we should break up. Thirty minutes later I go back to my desk.

I ask her if she feels him, if she is attracted to him because let’s face it, Garry is fucking attractive… and she says alarmingly, “OMG no way! Purple I would never ever go there! I know what the two of you shared. He’s so immature and he smokes I don’t even like that.”

This back and forth goes on for a while and eventually I am settled knowing that she is not in the least bit interested in him.

One week later, it’s heading to Easter Holiday. Daisy is heading to Melbourne with a bunch of her friends from Sidney. I wonder if she is going to Melbourne because of Garry and think I’m overreacting. Daisy is too mature for this kind of shit. She wouldn’t do that to me. She was there for me every day when he broke my heart. That week on Thursday night, day before easter, Im out with Black Rose at Bachus drinking wine. We wanted to catch up… I’m a light weight and the wine was sweet. I didn’t realize how quick it was getting to my head. Ronnie says he’s leaving and confirms if I’m okay to go home on my own and I say “yeah of course! Thanks for everything Love.” And he’s off. Something was odd about him that evening. Black rose and I catch up…we are both drunk. The conversations get emotional…I tell her of my suspicions of Daisy and Garry. She is grounded on the fact that Daisy and I go way back and I have nothing to worry about.

At the peak of my drunken stupor, I text Garry. A first communication attempt since he lost his temper with me. “She’s my best friend G. For fuck’s sake, get with someone else”… I hit send.

I show the message to Black rose. She laughs at my spelling errors and retypes it and sends it again.

We move to another club. And then another club... I meet a bunch of other friends – my neighbours. Black Rose heads home I spot *Andrew. He looks so fly that night. He’s a huge Spartan of a man with bouldering shoulders and beastly arms perfect to lift my hips… I reapply my red lipstick and half catwalk half stagger towards him. He’s pleasantly surprised to see me. We chit-chat. God knows I can’t speak straight. He gives me his business card. “Call me sometime…” I kiss the white card stamping it with my red lipstick and ask the bar tender for a pen and write my number on the back and give it back to him… He pulls me into his arms and bursts out laughing, his entire frame shaking from laughter causing my breasts to shift with this ramble. I laugh at this. I guess he thinks I’m laughing with him… He takes the card, and says slipping it into his wallet, “Dew (he calls me by my second name), you’ve really grown up I see.” Andrew’s a friend of my cousin’s husband. We met years before when I was just 19 or 20. I was dating Baby at the time.

I get home. Take out my phone out before bed and see “1 new Message…Read?”I know in my heart of hearts that it is Garry… I open the message.
“Hi Purple. Lets talk. Stuff can really be misconstrued via text. Let me know when I can call you.”

I read the message over and over and over looking for any hint of emotion. Maybe he wants me back. Maybe we can be together now. Maybe I can go to Australia in June like he promised! Maybe I can start art classes in Melbourne and get my own place because I surely don’t want to create a strain in our relationship by living with him! A man needs his space. I read it one last time. I had no idea what the hell misconstrued meant. So I dash to my brother room to get the dictionary. He sleeps like a drunk sailor and can’t hear me knock. Fuck. It hits me like a light bulb! My damn phone has a dictionary.

Misconstrue : to misunderstand, to interpret wrongly.

I blush at my man’s intelligence.

“You can call me now.” I reply. Its 3 am in the morning, I’m drunk, but that would mean that it is 11am in Australia and that’s a good time to have a chat ain it…? He calls…before I pick, I look at his name on my phone screen and savor the moment. I had waited so long for the day I would see his number on my phone again. “Hi!!!!!!” I screamed. He laughed and said hi back.

We talked about all sorts of things. Actually I talked and he did most of the listening. I apologized for my rumbling, he said “no, no you know I like it when you talk…” we didn’t mention the whole thing with him and Daisy until I brought it up probably 10 minutes later. He hesitated. I panicked and realized that being the man that he was, he was about to get frank with me and I couldn’t bear to hear him talk about how she blows him away or anything of the sort. So I said, “No wait, Garry. I know you can be brutally honest, so I’m sorry for making you call me but, I don’t think I wanna hear it anymore.” And then there was silence and he said, “Look, let me at least tell you this, I don’t feel her and I am not at this moment in time hitting on Daisy.”

I went to bed happy that night. More so because I heard his voice again, and I heard him laugh, and heard him say my name. I wondered why he wouldn’t love me and gave up on the stupid fantasy the minute it crept into my conscience.

The next day, he called again. I was on my way out of the house to watch a play and was still at the mirror fixing my make-up. He was at some house party and was talking a little too much than usual. Asking me shit. The last time Garry cared what I was up to was when he was my boyfriend. “Baby are you drunk?” I asked half laughing. “yeah, yeah you can tell?” he asked. “Definitely… are you with Daisy?” I asked plainly. He responded too quick “Yeah she’s here at the party. She just got to Melbourne.” My heart skipped a beat and he changed the topic “text me on my birthday okay” … I didn’t want to. His birthday would be four days away and I didn’t want to go along my week looking forward to talking to him. Because I would start to love him again. I tried to explain this to him cz men just dont get such shit. And he said “Okay then I will call you.”

That whole week, I wasn’t at peace. Andrew and I chatted on phone endlessly. He was a busy man but loved his drink and despised chicks with drama and hoped to quit smoking some day. He liked my forwardness and blunt remarks.

A day after Garry’s birthday, I sent Daisy a message. I asked her if he was still hitting on her. She said that he was still treating them like a gentleman but no, he definitely was not hitting on her anymore.Another strained megs, i thot.

That weekend I met up with Andrew. At the club his white t-shirt molded his torso beautifully. True to his physique, his arms were strong and he lifted me in the elevator as we made out like post teen randys. He walked me to the car and kissed me. “Are you sure you don’t want me take you home?” I looked over at his sexy Audi and then to my gurl who had blacked out drunk in the front seat and said, “Not tonight…” “when can I see you again?” he was towering over me now… I slipped into the car when I felt his hardness on my pelvis, “I’ll call you handsome.”

The following week I tried telling Daisy about him. How I was completely lust over him and couldn’t wait to finally be with a man after 4 months since Garry and that I was worried that he might have a streak of bad-boy in him that I must avoid and so maybe I should call the whole thing off... but as had been Daisy of late, her response was empty and awkward. “awww im happy for you” she said. I hated that the whole Garry hitting on her thing had created a rift between us. I asked her how she was enjoying Melboune and how Garry was. She said he’s fine and that they had all been hanging out together her crew and his. I asked how his birthday went as it was a few days after his birthday… she said it was simple, that his friend bought him cake and that they (they being G and his friends) had been partying all week. “its demonic here!” and I responded “Celebrate your graduation babe to the fullest. Tear it down.”

( ( part two in next blog ) )

IN MY HEART

He phoned to tell me that he would be landing in three days. He would be staying at his aunt’s, a relative he trusted that wouldn’t blow his cover that he was in the country before school break. He said he couldn’t wait to see me.
Three days later at twilight, his white Mitsubishi pulled up into my parking lot. When the door bell rang my heart fumbled to get its beat together! I could already smell him… I opened the door and there was my man. All 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo in a white sweater of him. “G!” I screamed leaping into his arms where I was received gracefully. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for everything. I was unresponsive, but only because so many beautiful feelings were overwhelming me! He hunched his shoulders to cup my face with his palms and said it again looking for answers in my eyes “Purple, forgive me?”
“yes yes yes G…”
We went to Masai Mara and then to Mombasa. He told me to leave the man I was currently seeing and be with him. I sent a text on the spot to the guy and told him bluntly that we were not working out and that I wished him happiness. We made love all the time. I had forgotten how strong he was inside me. I loved him.
When we got back to Nairobi, ten days had passed. We were at a party of his friend’s and he was showing me off with a huge grin on his bold African face. I never felt so complete.I stood over the balcony watching the crowd below me dancing and drinking the night away. When I turned around, Garry was standing there. Watching me. No expression on his face. I smiled at him expecting him to break out of his trance and walk towards me and kiss me or something of the sort, but he just stood there looking at me over his strong chin – holding his drink. Finally he walked to me and I was relieved. Then he placed his palm on my chest as softly as a feather would land on the ground and suddenly I felt a wave of emotional pain burst inside me! He was looking at me dead in the eye and then in one swift motion, he pushed me off the balcony.
My mouth was still agape as I watched Garry recede further and further from me in my descent. He watched me fall from the balcony, his drink still in his hand. My eyes filled with tears and confusion and hurt. And then I landed on the floor. I wasn’t hurt. I stood up still crying, burying my hands into my palms in shame. When I looked up, Garry was running to the edge of the staircase frantic as if someone else had pushed me and he had tuned into a nutcase trying to get to me to see if I was okay.
“But you told me You Loved Me!!!” I screamed at him
“I said I was sorry Purple!” he retorted and threw his hand in the air as a sign of frustration.
I thought for a moment “maybe he’s sorry…No, but he was looking at me as me as I fell with no remorse.” And with that, I walked away. I saw him walk away too, back into the crowd. I got into the car and cried for ages before finally leaving.

I woke up suddenly. I was crying. I touched my face and felt that my cheeks were moist and burning from the tears. My heart was paining – you know, I was hurting. I couldn’t remember what had just happened or what I had just dreamt. I don’t normally have dreams that I wake up out of so I was quite confused. What was going on? My alarm clock suddenly startled me causing me to break from thought. Was it morning already! I slumped back onto my pillow trying to remember what I dreamt about. I gave up after about ten minutes and went to the shower.

On my way to work, everything come flooding back to me like a time warp in fast forward! I remembered his white sweater, this kiss at the door when I first saw him, making out at the beach; loose memories form the Mara, and then, the ‘murder’. I’m telling you, it hit me like a brick on the head. I even had to put my hand over my mouth to cover my shock. He looked so clear in my dreams! I could see his entire face…:-(.

My eyes got teary and a felt sadness and self pity. But I didn’t cry. People in traffic would think I was some crazy chick.

At work, I googled dream interpretations: Falling dreams, dreams where you’re ‘killed’ but don’t die. There were all these interpretations that even I would have come up with on my own.They didnt really give me the explanations I needed. At last, I texted G. We hadn’t talked in two weeks. I told him about the dream trying my best to attach as much emotion as I could to the words. Three hours later, he responded “You know I would never push you baby.” As usual. Short, non-explanatory, evasive texts. I got mad at him but mostly at me for even bothering. I had been doing well trying to move on.

Two weeks later, he called me. We had been in communication on and off mostly on facebook. I picked up the phone half nervous half excited that he rung. What I thought was going to be a sweet mellow covering up what we feel for each other conversation tuned into the worst I ever had with a man in my life. He was FURIOUS!
I had sent him a text two days before which he had not replied to – so in a weak moment I wrote to him “G, why do you take so long to respond…? If u r going to be giving me your full attention and then suddenly going A wall, should we be talking at all? Look, I have a man so I’m not tryna get with you. You know how it is with us. Xoxo” Of course I don’t have a man, first off, but there have been rumors that got to him in Melbourne that I had been seen with some guy and when he asked me about it, I brushed it off like I didn’t want to talk abt it. Having him believe that I was with someone gave me some of the power that I had lost when I fell so blindly for him.

He was talking loudly over phone – not necessarily shouting. He was saying how angry I make him sometimes, how I should realize that there is a time difference between Ke and Aus and so when he takes long to reply to a message I should ‘‘Learn’’ patience. “You don’t even know what I was doing Purple or why I didn’t reply on time. And why the hell would you tell me you have a man! So you’re dating that guy???! All the best in your new found happiness!!”

I have never been spoken to like this by man. So let me just say I was dumbfounded. I tried to stand up for myself but suddenly he said “No Purple. Listen. I don’t. want. To. Ever. Talk. To you again.”

I had already settled myself in the car from my desk so that my colleagues wouldn’t see us fight and when I heard those words from the cell, the only thing I could say was “I’m sorry” “there’s no need to be sorry. It won’t make any sense to since we are cutting all communication channels as of now.”

This man, all 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo of a man had already broken my heart before. You have read it in my other blogs. And so as I sat there in the car waiting for the pain, sorrow and anguish that I expected would follow such harsh remarks, I was … shall I say, pleased, that I felt nothing. It was as if instead of the words flying into my heart through my sweater into my chest and nesting a home there, they flew right past and disintegrated in the air like gun powder from a fired pistol. I did try and plead with him to calm down for I didn’t know that he had such a temper but he found all my efforts pointless since ‘’we were cutting all communication” shortly. And I even cried after the phone call ended but I cried out all of the Garry that was left in me. I went back to my desk and worked in my 8-5 like nothing had happened. I even saw a naked man that day! Really. Even the universe was trying to cheer me up.

All of last weekend, at Adelaide sevens in Australia, Daisy was with Garry. If you remember, Daisy is one of my best friends who is studying in that retarded country (no offence down unders) she told me that he was wearing one of the t-shirts I bought him and that he looked great but didn’t mention my name once. Even when she started to talk about me on the table, he stood up and walked away. And she even said that she suspects that he had his eye on her, that he could have been hitting on her, but she’s not sure. She’s met someone who she is smitten over.
It hurt me a whole lot that he would hit on my bf… anyways, Im here, and I might not be happy with my job, my dreams being so far, and with my roller coaster love life, but I am secure.
Peace & Love
Purple.

M.O.S.K

When I broke up with *Baby over a year ago, the idea of getting a calmer, taller, bigger, more together, more fascinated by me and in love with me man got me past my Baby-withdrawal moments. Also I just needed a break. I had lost three years of my life swimming in his toxicity (as I have so often described that relationship) and all I wanted then was to break free and be alone. No man, No due responsibilities and no commitments. No running out of money or out of my mind tryna keep us together… Just me, myself and I. (That song is still one of my favorite Beyonce singles) Bottom line, I wanted a better me, and a better man
When Garry came into my life…

Can I just take a moment here…

When Garry strolled into my life…in his black jacket and unapologetic swag… (Looking for the words)…

You know how when we were kids there was always a mapera tree in our estates. And every day at some point, we would go and climb the tree and see who can get the biggest reddest orangest mapera? Usually the ones that only birds would peck on and leave half eaten exposing the inner scarlet of the fruit for those of us on worm’s eye view to lust over? Do you remember how, the maperas we would get would be white inside and if you were lucky or brave enough to defy gravity you would get at least a pale pink looking one that you would only share with your best friend? Do ya’ll remember those days? Well that’s a peek into my childhood. *smile* And then, one day, you make friends with the boy who can run the fastest, bat the hardest and jump the furthest (do I hear three sticks lol) but cant climb the mapera tree to save his life because his mother told him if she ever found him on that tree or even heard that he was playing next to that tree that she would woop his sorry ass and take away his going-out-to-play rights. And you tell this kid, look, I know you can climb the highest with no fear…how’s about we get those three maperas over there (look up) and we split them 2:1. You can take two. He’s excited, all sparkly eyed and shit. And you say to yourself “Yes!” But then he says “What about my mom?” “No one’s gana tell!” “What about the ants on the top branches?”
“Okay, if you do this, I’ll let you kiss me”

Done.

He climbs, everyone’s watching, jaws dropped pin drop silence. He squeals! The ants are attacking him. “Just a couple more branches!” and eureka! He grabs the cluster of fruits and tucks them in both of his side pockets.
That afternoon, you wash the mapera and sit on the pavement with your friends in awe around you. In your hand is the neighborhood’s most priced possession. Your most priced possession. There’s no better looking mapera on the tree. You’ve never held such a huge mapera in your hand. You roll it in your palm taking in all the details of its skin. You remember all the other maperas you’d eaten before thinking about the day that you will get the mapera at the top of the tree. So big and tough those maperas.

And then you eat it; and for the first time, you know how a ripe mapera actually tastes like.

See, Garry is that mapera. As I was dating all these guys I have dated, I have known in my heart what I really wanted. That big mapera at the top of the tree. When a woman gets out or is trying to get out of a relationship, what gives her that will to leave is the idea of a better version of her current retarded boyfriend. If he doesn’t call her, doesn’t say nice things, cheats on her, she says to herself “I need a man who calls on time, treats me good and is faithful to me.” That’s what propels her into moving on! That’s what I call the moving on survival kit - MOSK

I wanted a sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent man. Doesn’t talk too much (leave that to me), can handle stressful situations well (I’ll leave that to you), taller than me , large, keeps fit, preferably dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record kinda guy. To me, TO mE, TO ME, Garry had all these qualities. And even more. He was that mapera at the top of the tree.

And now that we are done, I am having a hard time letting him go because I don’t have a MOSK.
What can I use as a MOSK?

I know that Garry probably doesn’t think he’s as great as I paint him out to be. And that I am lost in my own world falling in love with him like this, but you know what, I see him like that. He might not; ya’ll might not, but to me, from the most sincere part of my heart, Garry’s perfect. But who gives a fuck. Shrugging my shoulders.

I met this guy… he’s sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent doesn’t talk too much (leaves that to me), can handle stressful situations well , taller than me , large, keeps fit, dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record. In this dainty heart of mine, feelings for him are growing…and it’s not tears watering these flowery feelings, but pecks on the cheek, good morning texts, jokes on my Whats App chat, compliments about my body… *blush

But he’s not like Garry…He’s a bit too romantic, too worried about how I’ll get home, if I got home, if I was fine getting home. Plus he’s gat baggage. Which shouldn’t be a problem, but… Garry had this ‘I’m the MAN” aura around him, that made me fall for him stupid- *blush *blush… This guy doesn’t have that.
Garry told me the other day “on the real, I think you need to let me go of me completely”. See that that last word there, completely? Sigh… He is done with me. Shrugging my shoulders

It’s been too damn long I’m still into this guy and I just want to move the hell on. I have been putting a front for my friends that I am okay, but I’m not. I’m begging God, The Universe, the genie in Aladdin, please, let me move on.

Maybe next week, or next month I won’t love you, like you don’t love me.
Peace & Love…
Purple.

UNTITLED.

There are three things in my life that are important to me: My career, My Love life (friends, family included) and My health. I see them in my mind like three strong Greek pillars upon which ‘my world’ and sometimes a peaceful, meditating animation of myself sits.
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…

PATTERN

I normally write when I have 100% inspiration...i.e when I get this intuitive nudge from within that pushes me to a keyboard. But today I have only 60% inspiration, so to speak, so I just hope that what I wanna say comes out clear...

You know what's funny with me is that when I get visions of my future; I don’t see the little kids running around the backyard like many women do. Yet I am the biggest romantic I know (well after *Kendra-high school friend. She’s on a whole other level). I see a nice house, sometimes three houses (all belonging to me), I see my nice interior living room, I see the trained dog & cat, and I see my man; Loving me ever so exclusively in his big dark frame and big ol’ bright heart. It’s not that I don’t want any kids, I didn’t say that. But neither did I say that I do… Oh and I tell ya, that’s music to my mom’s ears. She simply cannot bear the fact of having to deal with the social rejection of her first born daughter having a child out of wedlock…! When I was in high school she would say, “You should focus on your KCSE, not on boys”. In Uni she would say, “You need to focus on your career and make your own money. Those things (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) should matter after.”
Now that I have graduated and I am working she says “Not now. Think about your masters… You must be independent…”
My mother has always had a strong part in my decision making. She’s strong, determined, beautiful…and I mean this; people always say their mom’s are hot, my mom is hot. She’s funny (gat this one from her), conservative, sensitive, nagging, inquisitive & wholesome. We do not always meet eye to eye, in fact we hardly do (my dad says it’s because we are just alike-errr no we’re not r u fucking kidding me), but her voice, that voice that makes my brow plunge into an expressive thought, rings in my head whenever I am caught up in something. Like when I wanted to go outside and play on a weekday in class 7 and I knew I should have been studying, that voice came “Remember that you are now a pre-candidate …”. Or when I was in the shower hurriedly scrubbing trying not to miss the next episode of ‘Melrose Place’ on KTN, it would quiver in my psyche “Always wash behind your ears! You don’t want someone to come close to you and see your skin looking like a plate with oil that doesn’t get clean”.

Anyways, that’s just a by-the-way.

I believe that I will see the kids running around, once I have a good man. That, you see is the prerequisite to that vision. I do instead see something else … I see two girls …grown up, past their years of youthful revelry and indulgence. My two girls are beautiful and tall and they are reading the story of my life from my words…from a diary that I kept (or a blog-who knows). They’re reading about the years of my youth, my failures and successes, my heartbreaks and my journey to finding true love (their dad) because to me, love is what I live for.

Garry and I ended things a couple of weeks ago. Sigh…
It wasn’t working. I was asleep when he was awake, I was awake when he was asleep… working hours were cramped, I turned into a nag when he didn’t respond to a text, he pulled back when I wasn’t sentimental, I became non-empathetic, he became indifferent and then in a hurricane of pain and confusion I told him that we needed to end it. He couldn’t agree more.
And that was it.

I cried everyday for a week after that. I broke down in bed, I broke down in the shower-every time, I broke down in a matatu once, I was just a mess. When I went to Nanyuki for work, I remember this one morning and I just feel sorry for myself. I had to get up by 5am to prepare presentations for my boss that day…I had slept late listening to D’angelo because at the time music was the only thing that could get me past the tears. When my alarm went off at 5, I was groggy and sleep deprived… I remember feeling like my eyelids were bound together because my eyes couldn’t open…I had cried so much that I was completely swollen and puffed around my eyes. And then Garry’s memory, out of default, seeped into my conscience. Always the first thought in my head when I woke up…I switched off the alarm and lifted my body up. My chest felt like dead weight. And then suddenly I felt this burning piercing pain at the pit of my stomach. It was so painful and shockingly overwhelming that I made a screaming sound when it attacked me. And then finally my eyes opened only to allow tears to free from where they were now in constant release. My body went automatically into a curling position…I tried to press my stomach with my finger tips to locate the pain. What the hell was going on…?! I didn’t realize that it had already been thirty minutes when my colleague rung my hotel room phone. He was calling to ask if I was dressed and ready since we needed to be downstairs in the next fifteen. He asked if I was okay. I said no. “I think I have food poisoning…” I cried. He came into my room. He asked me if I needed to throw up or if I had a running stomach. “No…I was fine last night and then when I woke up today my stomach was paining” And then he looked at my face and asked, “Purple, have you been crying?”

I went to the nurse’s. It was acidity. The nurse said that I needed to take this pill and chew these other ones 8 times that day because I was one breakdown away from turning my acidity into an ulcer. “If you think that the work is stressful (the work my company was there to do) then just take a break because the stress will cause acidity and these are the last two pills I have that stop the production of acidity in your stomach. Chew these other ones (actal tums) all day anytime you feel pain but do not exceed 16 tablets…Also you should know that you could be producing acid long before your stomach starts to hurt, so take it easy” she finished.

That thirty minutes, before *Joseph came into my room to ‘save’ me, was the worst thirty minutes I had ever had in my life. I truly mean this. It was dark and sad and extremely sorrowful and how else can I describe it… It angers me that I got to this point. When I sat up on the bed and felt that piercing pain, that was Garry stabbing me with the very sword I gave to him to protect my heart. Overdramatic? Maybe, but that was what it felt like. I dated *Baby for three years: he cheated on me, he lied to me, he put me last, he loved me, he hurt me, he filled me, and when we broke up, sure my heart broke. But I was more lonely and missed the fact that he wasn’t in my bed at night than heartbroken, because I knew that relationship had to end. I met Garry once – in this beautiful dramatic acquaintance that lasted for 24 hours…we dated for 2-3weeks and he managed to break me this bad. I wonder if he was going through the same thing, or something similar… “nah, he’s probably kicking it with his boys without a care in the world” It was besides he who said that we shouldn’t talk at all after we break up…
The saddest thing-in my sleep, in my most peaceful time, I was hurting. So bad that when I woke up I had an ocean of acid in my tummy.

For the rest of the time in Nanyuki I consumed more actal tums than food or water. I had a beautiful hotel room, a scenery to die for, gourmet food, but it all meant nothing to me.
I couldn’t talk to Garry because he asked that we not talk. Despite the fact that I was busy, this here partner of mine shall I name her Heartbreak, did not leave my side. We were joined at the hip. Through the busy schedule, numerous conference calls, reservation adjustments and presentation preparations she stayed by my side pressing harder and harder into my chest as the memory of Garry’s face faded from my memory. I read in the true love magazine yesterday that it was scientifically proven now that a heartbreak causes the pain receptors in your body to be stimulated causing actual physical pain. Ha! Can you believe that! I asked my friends who I knew had had their hearts broken if they ever fell sick. “Like is it normal to be in this much pain?” most said not really but many of them said that yes they did fall sick-but not to the point where they had to go to hospital. Okay, so this is normal then, I thought. If *Patricia told me that she was so heartbroken that she used to FORGET to eat and that one time she fainted in town because of low blood sugar or whareva, and here she is, 8 months later, normal and happy then maybe I do have a chance of getting over this man.

My dad’s best man who all my life I called my uncle passed away the other day. I cried. I don’t know if it was because of the loss or because I was just depressed overall. I loved my ‘uncle’ but he had been ill a long time and I had already made peace with the fact that the man who used to buy me fudge and ask me for kisses in return is going to be gone. His daughter who was my childhood playmate and who I also love very much flew back in from the United States for the funeral. I had not seen her for almost twenty years. After the ceremony, we partied like maniacs. I was no longer in remission from my partyholic cancer…I was back in. In the meantime, *Thomas, her cousin, who I have known now for many years from different social circles started to hit on me. Tom and I well, we love the same music, (no actually he loves my music) we can have long meaningful conversations and I held him at the funeral as he wept over uncle *Eric’s descending casket. Uncle Eric and Tom were pretty close. Tom drove him to my granny’s 60 year anniversary wedding in Nyeri over a year ago, because Uncle Eric simply couldn’t miss this wedding. In his ailing frame, he managed to stand up throughout all the wedding prayers. This was the same wedding where I realized that I had to break up with Baby (refer to former blogs).

I had work every day last week but I met up with Tom everyday and drank and smoked and talked and drove around. He was my healing drug. I had already made it through a week without any breakdowns over Garry but Monday was Valentine’s Day and I didn’t want to be alone. I thought about having sex with him that day but decided not to. Garry did not call or text me.

On Sunday, I woke up hangover. I drank water and stared at my messy wardrobe in front of me. And I spotted Garry’s black sweater. I remembered him and realized I hadn’t thought about him in a couple of days. Cool. And then, my frenemies, Heartbreak along with Loneliness strolled into my bedroom with insolent looks on their faces. Heartbreak sat on the dresser far from me but Loneliness took his shoes and coat off and slithered into my bed. In a small panic, I managed a prayer… “not today God, please.”
I opened my facebook via my phone and searched for Garry. We were no longer friends on here, but I just wanted to see if in some sort of miracle way we were still friends and that all this had been a bad dream. I sent him a message. The first in a long time. Heartbreak smiled cunningly as she watched me punch in the letters “call me…”

I slept at 8pm that night (Sunday). Tom was calling me. I wasn’t in the mood so I put my phone on silent and slept. About four hours later, my Zain line which I had not used for like two weeks now started to SCREAM from under my bed in that irritating Nokia ring tone. “How did Tom get my zain number!!!” I thought. He didn’t even know I had two phones. I crawled on my stomach and reached for the damn cellie and opened one eye to look at the caller I.D. ‘Private no.’ I was now sure it was Tom. Natasha, my ‘cousin’ from the states, had that number. She must have given it to him.

“Hello??” I whispered trying to sound as sleepy and bothered as possible so as to make the conversation short.

“Helloooo?” I asked again

“Yeah. Hey...”

“Hello, who’s this” I was getting mad cuz I could feel my body waking up and I really needed to sleep to avoid a hangover day at work the next day.

“It’s Garry.” The deep, solid, unapologetic, beautiful voice said

“Omigod!” I was thrust into total consciousness.

He actually called. Can I just say, that that was the happiest I had ever been in the past three weeks. We talked… we caught up. He asked how I was doing; I asked how he was doing… He told me he missed me. And that he thought I would never talk to him again but that he doesn’t want to confuse me…because he wants out more than he wants in (of a relationship with me)… I heard him laugh…and, it felt like cold water on my overheating engine heart. And then his “mmh, mmh” sounds that he makes to show that he is listening to me when I’m talking. He told me about his near death experience and I was so shocked that I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t show him that. “I’ll call you on your birthday” he says… I say something in the lines of Oh that will be great, but what I’m really thinking is, my birthday is in two weeks…cant you call sooner…? Please.
And then I asked him if he has met someone… “nope” he brushes
“Well, I kind of have someone in my life…” I said. And I wanted to add “…but I want to be with you and not him. What can I do to make you come back to me G?” but instead I said “…but it’s nothing serious.”
And then his phone died… And that was that.

Next day, I texted him. No reply.

At night, Tom called me. Shit, I had completely forgotten about him. He asked me to give him a chance. He said, “I know you have told me that you are still in love with Garry but I’m ganna leave that as your problem. It’s not stopping me from pursuing you.” (Did I mention that Tom & Garry know each other? Yup. I just found out) And then he asked that I please text him before going to bed. I didn’t. Next day (today), he calls while I’m at work…he wants to bring me lunch. I tell him that he doesn’t have to. He mentions that he doesn’t do these kinds of things for chicks… I know that. He doesn’t have the best track record…but I don’t care, Garry is all I care about. But I accept the offer.

Garry, I just want you to know that I love you.
I don’t know why you don’t love me…
I thought for ten minutes before writing “love”, but I am sure beyond a doubt that it is what it is. You almost died; I would rather you know.

You said, ‘what r u doing to me Purple. What should I do Purple.’ You said that you miss me because you love my personality…
But that you want out, more than you want in.

What can I do to make you love me? Am I not your type? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not tall in enough or skinny enough or graceful enough? Really, what’s the issue here…

You said, “You know! I figured it out…why we didn’t work… There was a lot of miscommunication because of the distance. (yeah? No shit)… If we were both in the same place this wouldn’t be happening. I was thinking of coming for like a week, to see you…but I really want to buy a house, get some investments started here. Can I at least take you out for lunch when I get back?

You can marry me when you get back!

I love you.

Xoxo.