LIMBO

So I wasn’t “Done”… You know how we are as females. Any public declaration of being “done” with a man is more so to the contrary – Far from “Done”.

As would any other man, when I walked away from Andrew, he chased. Chased like a Lion on a hunt expedition, like a leopard in desperate pursuit of a meal. Like animals in the wild, men chase what flee. And when they capture, they devour. I don’t need to interpret this simile much; I was the prey, he was the predator. And I grew weary of the run on this dry savannah of broken promises and scarce oasis of friends and eventually, I was caught. Put up a good fight might I just add in my defense.

And finally in the arms of this mostly indifferent beast of man with mere compassion and true feelings for me – I felt somewhat happy. Brief, abrupt, rapid, but nonetheless, happy. He is still in my life. Situation’s the same – calls only from Thursdays, and we spend every weekend together.

2 Sundays ago, after calling me incessantly on a Saturday afternoon, Andrew invited me to his house for dinner. We ate watched a movie and had a fuck. Standard operation procedure. Next day, we wake up and he has to go to Church (yes, the pagan lifestyle is just a part of him – his devotion is anchored to Sunday morning worship). I would expect that since this was the first Sunday I had been at his houses ( I mostly go on Friday nights) he would forfeigt church for me and cuddle in bed instead. Well, that was not the case. I get up, get dressed and get going (home). I couldn’t go to church with him well cuz he didn’t ask and two, I hadn’t any fresh clothes. I was hurt at his inconsideration and so I guess while we were getting ready my silence spoke for itself and he was able in interpret it. He asked about three times what was wrong and why I was quiet and so forth but I gave no indication of feeling played but instead smiled and gave him my well rehearsed “what are talking about” puzzled look. I drove home barely able to stop myself from crying.


Later that afternoon, he called. I didn’t pick and he called two more times. If only he would be that crazy about me on weekdays right? Finally I picked. He asked me to meet him at the Riverside café – our usual late Sunday afternoon spot. I declined, said I was tired and had a busy week coming up. He wouldn’t hear of it. “I know something is wrong – meet me and let’s talk”


Of course we didn’t talk about it. We had a great lunch, as we always did. Laughed, teased, flirted, kissed – very normal couply behavior. Then after we ate, it started to dawn on me that the weekend was over, which meant being with Andrew was over – until the next weekend. I need to be able to talk to the man I am sleeping with any time. Pick up the phone and tell him about my day, tell him that I miss him and I can’t wait to kiss him again- better yet, have him do all this to me.


At that point of sorrow, I said “I can’t do this Andrew”
“Do what…”
“I know you have a very busy life- but I am not happy being your weekend squeeze. Not anymore.”
“I know…”
“And its hurts knowing that you don’t want a relationship with me” I wanted to take back those words from the air and swallow them very quickly before they reached his ears.

I blurted out in an attempt to save myself from disappointment “but it’s okay. I have had a blast and I know you have too…so let’s go our separate ways.”

Silence.

He looked down and at me dead in the face. My heart was banging like a trapped beast in my chest. I felt tears heat up my eyes. “don’t fucking cry in front of him!” I yelled at myself inside and I pushed them back. And then abruptly he looked away and said nothing.

A wave of resentment and shame and pain flowed into my heart. Finally he said, “Perhaps at this point in time, we should be friends”

The last word “friends” echoed back and forth in my conscience. I started to shake my head “no. I can’t be friends”

“Why not!” he asked

“I can’t. I’m sorry if you don’t have the capability of calculating the reasoning there…but I can’t. “ I shot back

“we should go…” I slung my bag over my shoulder and signaled for the bill. Andrew didn’t move. Instead he started to speak… I sensed worry in his voice.

I put my bag back down…He put his hand on mine and started to say all these things… He wanted me to take it a day at a time. Enjoy the ride. Well, I had done that for three months now and now the ride didn’t feel like a euphoric exciting roller coaster but instead like a dreary ‘tea cup’ ride. He walked me to my car (never done that before) and kissed my cheek, then gave me a pat on my bum like he always did when he was saying gdbye. And that was it.

The following week, I was good! Living life blah blah blah.
And then came Saturday evening. Andrew calls. I pick. I’m happy to hear his voice. He says “I want to buy you that steak you like at Onami”
“aaaaaandrew!”
“what?”
“no…! You know we are not together anymore”
Silence.
“I want to see you. I miss you”
“And I miss you! But this is going to spiral out of control” I warn him
“But I want to be in a spiral out of control with you………………………….. I just want to talk they way we do”
The steak was delicious!!! Had two apple martinis and I drove home drinking water like a dehydrated camel.

That was my weekend to party and have a wild time cuz I hadn’t been out in a couple of weeks and I really wanted to let lose so when I got home and I changed into my sexy outfit and went to my same ol spot.


Guess who I met there? *David. Ya’ll remember him? Point 5 guy with the killer body and pretty boy looks? The one I stopped picking his calls as soon as Alex walced into my life? Went on a couple of dates with him? Yup. That David. I was already pretty drunk when he said hello stopping me on my way to the ladies. With my back toward the entrance, David placed his hands around my hips and talked into my ear trying not to kill my ear drum over the loud music. “You know you I’m not someone you met just the other day. Me and you go such a long way back Purple. So when I call you, just pick up the phone. You need to give me time to show you that I can be a good boyfriend to you”

HELOOOoo!! OOOOkayyy!!

And then I felt the weight of a heavy built man on my left shoulder. David was still going on and on. As I focused my eyes on this familiar body frame, the man turned around and smiled at me cheekily. It was Andrew. I did a “HeeeeYYY!!! Here he is!!!” redemption act as I grabbed his arm. David cordially introduced himself to Andrew. As I watched this two men, the point 5 ten times cuter and hotter that Andrew, I listened to my feelings undoubtedly gravitate towards Andrew. He was no point 5, never been a model, didn’t have an Israelite for a father but he was tall and masculine and tough and everything about him was reeking of testesterone. I love that.


So he took me home that night and on Sunday, he left me asleep in bed as he went to Church and came back with lunch. We spent the rest of the day together half in bed half on his ¾ acre lawn feeling the breeze. And then he took me home.

That was yesterday.

I don’t expect him to give me what I want; ask me to be his woman or love me the way I want to be loved. But for now, I am not going to break sweat about it.
Let’s just wait and see.

Peace & Love
Purple.