Detaching...

I have never been this sure about ending this...
For the first time in forever my heart is in sync with my mind!!
Why the fuck does life play out like this!!!!!! Is this a fucking joke!

Im a sucker for this shit and im in this mess cuz im sloppy on such decisions. shiiiit.

(and now i have writer's block)
Okay,.. so
Baby's pathetic (cute-pathetic)gestures of love are just fucking up with my decisiveness
It was killing me last night;watching his heart break infront of me as he was realising that i really am done with this. And I caaaant do that. so shoot me if you think that Im stupid for letting him spend the night here.I am game (lOL!! GET IT??) NWAY, I literally said NO. NO go to westy wasnt that your plan. !! fuuuck oh no hes walking with me to my house.. okay is he sindikishaing me?? 'Sassy' Im coming to your house if he decides to spend the night..!!
Sassy,"sweetie I love you but i might be having someone over hihihi..."
Mayn I wish I was like her. When she makes up her mind ther's no turning back. Me on the other hand, im just losing my gansta credit over this sloppy business.

We get home. He has a bottie, im excited we drink it!! MJ is playing back to back on hot 96..I GET SUPA EXCITED!!, change into my boxers, grab my heels, start singing along.. Im intoxicated but alert.. and look at him, dancing with me trying to smile BUT I can see his pain .(dO you know how sad that looks)... Trying to be on beat with the song 'dont stop till you get it all..get up..!' azin he cant dance.. aki woiye..
Shit. shiyyyet.
Do you know what it feels like to absolutely not want something but find yourself unable to get out of the fucking paradox??!!

I just cannot cannot cannot bring myself to tell him...like straight, that Im done. shit.


How will I even begin to start telling my girls that we are together-ish again...! im tired of it, im sure they are... my storoz about him to them now are jst wanna those things you listen to while filing your nails saying 'uh huh' or push a big yawn back down your throat.


Night two
he's right here...dead asleep.
Its raining outside... this is my favourite weather in the world. Im spsd to be mooshy and randy and romantic when its raining. Im with the man I love and im feeling (blank).

Nicotine. Thats my therapy.