I HATE-YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW AAHHHH!

im stuck in this. I try to get out and I never ever reach the finish line. This isnt supposed to be me!! this isnt suppossed to be my life.

I wake up in the morning and im suppossed to be happy to call you, but im edgy because who knows, it might turn into a fight.
I wait for you at our usuall spot, as has been for three years, but im not looking foward to seeing you. becoz who knows, it might turn into a fight.
I panic when I see '1 missed call'. I was doing a number two scuze me. Im scared of calling back because who knows, it might turn into a fight.

Baby's mom hasnt been doing too good. Shes been in hospital for the past three weeks. But i have to say, these have been the best three weeks of our relationship in a really long time. Hes not always having a drink, hes studying more, hes all over me. Last week, she seemed to be getting better. And i was relieved. but, He spent the weEkend in THE HOOD. I mean its not like i didnt see him or i was feeling neglected, infact he spent two nights here before that and i loved it-most of it.. But i just hate THE WAY he drinks...his 'so hood' crew and aaarrrgh ol the shit that comes with it. I need a man who is more focused than me ... alas.
Im almost graduating and im not just holding on to my dreams anymore, im getting out there and grabbing them. This college recklessness cant be a part of my 24hr life much longer so, call me an up tight librarian right now but, honey, im getting grown.

Last week I made dinner. Pan fried chicken, coconut rice.. candles, Baileys ... It was ssoooo kewl. while we were still eating I started to tease him with my toes ( we ate on the floor) ,and then LOL, LOL, i started licking on a drumstick :in and out of my mouth(BLUSH) aaaaannnyyyyway... >>foward, FYI, rug burns are not a myth. When he was tring to reach for the condom under my over sized pillows at the corner of the living room he knocked our glasses of baileys. One of the glasses broke :-( (they were a gift from my best friends for my last birthday). Theeen i realised one of the glasses still had managed to save a little bit of the liqeour so i sipped it and went down on on Baby with the drink in my mouth. best tasting blowjob...!

So today wast so good. We had a random fight before saying goodnight jana, (ova the phone) so when he came to the bar today (where I was with all my girls) it wasnt so lovey dovey as it usually is. but we ignored that and had a good time. before long we were back to our usuall PDA. Elec disappears at the bar. Hes MIA with his SO HOOD peoples sumwea outside. I call. He comes. Just for a second.. he goes back. people start throwing bottles in the dark at the bar. WHAT THE FUCK. Im scared our rival wanna-be-just-like-us freshman girl crew will throw a bottie our direction. me and blackrose (my girl)start to cover our faces under the table. hillarious.. Bootyfull(girl of mine) throws a bottie. how random . I laugh. a taa is brot. thankgod the games stop. I call baby, "please come get me, i wanna go"
"sawa u can go"
"azin i cant walk home inthis black out and my girls are leaving, could you please give me a ride?" (I shouldnt even be asking for a ride wat the ffuck, kweli hez not worried about me...Ngai. I almost cried!)
He comes. hes driving some car ( he doesnt own one) I get in. Hes acting mooody for me. we reach my place. i confront him. he says something about me not knowing when his hurting. that i never know and ive never known. to me hes talking shit cuz thats jus bull. i ask him to tell me what i do wrong because i put everything into this. I ask him if he wants to be with me beacuse my best is average for him. he says we will talk tomorrow. MY used to be dainty heart isnt even scathed by this... im so used to him doing this. making me feel this way. ..Yall dont even know the shit ive put up with.
I want out.