Forever & Ever mode

I dated Baby, my first love (note: not the love of my life) for three years. Before that, dating back to the onset of puberty, I was never really alone. My first boyfriend was Malcolm in Std 7, then I-Still-Have-a-Crush-On-You (ISHACOU) in class 8...
(A Little History on That…)
He played basketball, he was smart, he was swaaag...he was the beginning of 'my Type'; my definition of a hot guy. We were almost like best friends in STD 4&5 where we were deskies...and 2 years is a long time. But from class 6, we became sworn enemies. We didn’t speak, not even a hello, until class 8.
What happened? I donno. Hormones, I think. No, really, it was.

On the first day of Std 6, the three 6th grade classes were shuffled. ISHACOU n i ended up in the same class thank God. After the shuffle though, people were weird around each other cuz these three different classes, all of the same grade, that were now mix matched with each other were like three different cultures.

Green class was rowdy, barbaric, noisemakers, the boys mixed with the girls, the girls beat the boys up, and was always 2nd (sometimes 3rd) in grade performance. Up until Uni, these were the only two years I enjoyed school.

Red Class was full of those plastic girls. The ones who wore make up and talked about that Spanish guy from Sunset Beach in high pitched voices. In this class, boys and girls didn’t talk or play 'Hicho' or share lunch. In this class it was all, "Nancy & Jacob, sittin on a tree..." I hated this class!

And then there was Yellow class. They were okay. This class was just full of chops (smart kids/geeks). Boys and girls were awkward with each other... and really that’s all I remember.

In my mind as a 10 year old, this was how it looked to me. And I still remember it the same way! Its funny lol.

I was in Green Class/House. And so was ISHACOU.
After the shuffling, ISHACOU and I ended up in the same class. YELLOW. But cuz everyone was new to each other, it was all weird. Green girls were talking to yellow boys and their eyes would pop and they’d freeze when we tapped their shoulders. Oh gosh like that day I asked Omollo for masking tape and Jonathan looked at me like I was an alien. We couldn’t play, we couldn’t eat lunch together, ISHACOU was sitting far from me... I had to make new friends, it was weird.
And then one time, ISHACOU and I had not talked in forever cuz I mean, it was taboo, and when I made a teasy joke to him, he answered me back, like RUDELY and all the other boys BURST out laughing. He was friends with these aliens now. Dude I was so embarrassed. So I got mad and didn’t speak to him and he didn’t speak to me. For 2 years.
And then in class 8:-), he came to school with tones of junk food (from some party they had at his house). Everyone in class was surrounding his desk hoping to get a pack of masala sticks, lollipops, crisps or firecrackers. (He sat to my left, two desks in front). I just sat my desk alone eating my sandwich. Nobody asked me why I wasn’t tryna get sth from ISHACOU cuz they knew we didn’t talk. And then, I heard him shout amidst the commotion, "Purple, catch!" I didn’t even see it coming. ISHACOU had been swallowed by the crowd...I couldn’t see him; but then a packet of crisps landed on my desk. And EVERYONE turned their heads to see the crisps land on my desk like "omigod did he just do that??!! Does he have a crush on her? Are they going to date now?"

Well as history shows, it was YES, YES and YES :-)
And then when I was in high school, form 1, he flew to the USA.

In from 2 there was this guy called Alex. Dude, I just remembered him. He was Large! I mean BIG mUSCLES and tall. He wrote me often and we spent every single day of my holidays together. I’m blushing just remembering. When we were in lines at the movies or at fast food restaurants he would hold me on my waist from behind. And when we were in church standing up during prayer, I would feel the print of his huge palm on my back. One time I felt his erection when he hugged me goodnight outside my house *blush*
And then that ended. Frankly, I don’t remember how.

And then I met *Jason. I became his official girlfriend. (There were other random ppl in between before Jason & Alex but nothing legit). As I was dating Jason, the plutonic relationship between *Simon and I started to grow. Every Sunday we met at the sports club. We'd eat or watch a game of soccer. And then when dark fell, he would take me to the tennis court, underneath the bleachers and we would make out and touch each other in places even I had never touched. And so I decided to break up with *Jason. I was crazy about Simon. I thought he was crazy about me too. But one day, he sent me a message. I had been waiting all afternoon for him at our usual spot on Sunday. I think it was sometime during my midterm break.The txt message went something like:

I am studying now for my KCSE and I need to focus. Lales cant be a part of my life at the moment.

I asked his younger brother, who was sitting next to me, what 'Lales' meant, and he said, "it means chiks man! (haha)...boarding school is that rough eh?" I have never forgotten this moment. The way my heart felt.
He stopped texting, stopped writing, stopped everything.
In form 4, I met *Theodore. I had liked him for a long time but I thought he wouldn’t be interested in me cuz at the time he dated some chik who looked like she belonged on the set of 'mean girls' and I was nothing like her.
But as it turned out, he liked me. That year, he took me to Safari Sevens; my first time to go. He was the rugby captain of his high school team and this I guess gave him access to sevenz cuz we didn’t pay. He was REALLY HOT. I mean, he’s the hottest guy I have ever dated to date. He's got a chisel cut face with a strong chin and a confident nose. He's got good height, he's body is tight and built. He’s a pretty boy. A very masculine pretty boy. Like Zack Effron, Mathew MCconaughey hot. Get it? But he was also the dumbest. Completely blonde. Couldn’t make conversation, couldn’t watch a movie together, couldn’t laugh at the same jokes, couldn’t study together... So after KCSE, we broke up.

Right after that there was Fattyfat, then Funny guy, Smelly Wally, So sexy, then *Tommy, Pussy Wagon and finally Baby.

It is therefore objectively correct to conclude that I have never really been alone. Not like this year of 2010, no. This is not my territory. I’m just camping here.
So when things like those I am about to describe happen, it’s just nature’s way of telling me that "this is where you are supposed to be." (in a rshp)

When I was with Motor Cycle guy (shudder), there was this time I was leaving his house. It was raining and I was in a rush. I kissed him and quickly without a second thought said "bye I love you." I FROZE. He noticed. He immediately begins to dilute the tension. "No no it’s okay..." And I’m like "no no no no I didnt-thats not what I-I don’t love you!" I blurted. And then he started to act hurt... like make awkward faces and pinch the bridge of his nose. Dude, I say I love you, it’s awkward. I say I don’t love you, you’re Mad.???
I asked myself over and over and over why, even in the remotest of situations, that ever came out of my mouth. I was like on "forever & ever" mode. That's what I deduced. I have a mode. A mode which if turned on, by my immediate environment eg. Slow Norah Jones music, a starry night, a rainy sunset, I become this person; in love, happy, yes I will be your wife... you knooow... like, I switch from reality to Romantic Comedy.
Last Saturday, I was with MG. We were in my neighbourhood...shoud i say our neighborhood, in a bar-restaurant with his friends (hilarious guys) and one of my best friends and her friend. We must have spoken like three times only the whole afternoon cuz the table was flowing with conversation and he and I were mostly the audience. I mean we hang out all the time, me and MG. That’s just how I decided we r ganna be. No Black or White, No strings, No complications. He was sitting next to me and the whole scene was like the one from Eat Pray Love when Julia Roberts and her Italian friends were having lunch in the open Roman city and it was all happy go lucky. So I guess that put me in forever & ever mode?
Cuz when I was leaving I said to MG, "I love you"...
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUck!
"For Real?" His eyes were twinkling!
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m telling you, this might sound crazy and non-credible, but it happens. These words, they just slide from my mouth. My eyes can see them slide down my tongue into the world with their hands up in the air as they shout "weeeeeee" down my toungue. And by the time my hands can clump my jaws shut the words have escaped and glided into the ears of person X and in a few seconds I can see them have a party in persons X's eyes.
I DON’T LOVE MG. I don’t. I don’t. If you haven’t noticed, allow me to point out that he only appears into my life when there is no one. And even so, not as a love interest. I don’t fantasize about him, or think about making love to him...or like, being with him. At all. I just like him.
You know after I went thru that heartbreak (or sth) after reading “the White Masai’ I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have normal, text book emotional tendencies.
So anyway, here I was, having told him that. I was so confused. I was now in Reality Mode.
When he was walking to his car he turned around and gave me this blushy smile. I smiled back. On my way home, he called and asked me if we could talk. Oh shit. He never calls me unless hes asking for a plan.
Note to self: Be aware of “forever & ever mode’.

SINGLE GURL PERKS

Okay.
I love being single . I do. It’s the dating that sucks. The single part can suck too; when you’re all alone at night and it’s raining outside and D’angelo’s tunes are playing. So allow me to rephrase. I LIKE being single.

I know I said I would continue with The Pillars of my Life but I got lost somewhere in this thing called life.
But for one, I finally left that dreadful job euuuuuugh!!! And I got another job which I LOVE. Thank you GOD! I really have never thanked God so much in my life.
And, I left Motor Cycle guy. No regrets, although I realized that he is a bit of a jerk. Break ups reveal these things in people.

So I’m a single gal again . (MG is still somewhere as a silhouette in my life. (*no comment)

As I was handing in my resignation papers in Diabetes Limited, a guy came up and introduced himself as *Bono. He said he would like my number. I wasn’t really feeling it. I’m into love at first sight nini nini. Or at least, heart-doing-flip-flops at first sight nini nini. I gave him my number. He wasn’t so bad; nice sense of humour.
Immediately I walked out of that dreadful building, free as a bird, I got a text from Bono. Something like “So are you ganna talk to me?” Okay, ‘?????’ whats this guy talking about. I didn’t reply. I was busy anyway. I was to start my new job in three days and I needed to shop for office cloz, get my certificate from Uni blah blah blah.
Two weeks later though, he called… I was like “who is *bono,” when I read the caller ID. He asked if we could meet up for lunch. It was a Saturday afternoon and I had to go for a fitting for a dress to my cousin’s wedding. So I told him I was busy till around 5. He says, “Okay then lets meet up for a drink after”… I reluctantly said yes. It’s our first date. A bar, really? I had enough of that kind of scene for 3years with Baby (ex,~Loooooved him). But nonetheless, I was bored and I thought, “it is a sato anyway, so what the hell. This could wound up being my boyfriend.”
At 8pm, *Bono came for me. We had decided to postpone to night time. He was parked outside our apartment complex. I wondered why he didn’t drive in. He didn’t mind that I had to walk up the hill? Okay, whatever.
I’m talking to my BFF telling her that I am on my way to Tamasha as I walk out of the gate. There were two cars parked there and one, I assumed was a cab. There was a guy in a huge ( like down to your knees huge) yellow anorak askari (watchman) jacket standing next to one of the cars waiting for someone. I assumed he was a cab guy and passed him. I was busy on the phone heading towards the second parked car that only had its headlights on when I heard the guy in the jacket call out my name.
Turning around I realized it was *Bono. I froze and *Puppy (BFF) was all “hello??” on the other side of the phone.
OMG. I was so embarrassed! I rushed to hug him and apologized. He said, “looks like I don’t look like who your waiting for”… Totally ignored that and went to the passenger’s side.

Thank goodness he was easy to talk to. Here I was all dolled up, while *Bono clad in a huuuge jacket and I don’t know what else (I couldn’t see past the jacket) and what is this? Is he high? He spoke loosely and his eyes popped out of his eye sockets, bloodshot red, focusing on the road. He leaned so close to the steering wheel that his back was hunched. It was dark so I only saw this from the lights of an approaching car. What the hell.
Then he made a comment about my dress. Something about unbuttoning it and I don’t know what. That was it. No way, no how.
We stopped at an atm. He was withdrawing money. I called BFF. Told her to come save me. “Just come to Tamasha for like an hour and chill with us then say you have to go and I must come with you…!!!” I implored. She hesitated but said she would come through.
At Tamasha, (which later turned out to be buffet park…the side for wababaz,) *Bono ordered a quarter of Viceroy, and a double Vat for me. Yeah, a whole bottie for himself. TELLER WARNING ALERT NO.1.
He took off his Eskimo jacket. He was sweating (no shit!) … underneath he clad nice. A soccer jersey and jeans. Shoes; naaah. (we all do this as girls, I mean, it was the first date). *Bono was clearly high, and used such little coke to chase his triple shots a glass.
The conversation was forced and I was mostly nervous because he kept touching my knee (shudder) but he was having a great time!
Anyway, BFF was there in 30 minutes and the plan worked. *Bono had already cleared his bottie.
*note to self, no Bar – first dates.

I read this book, "The White Masaai".



It's had an unusual effect on me. I've become depressed and heartbroken.

The story is about a Swiss girl who came on holiday in the late 80's in Mombasa and fell deeply in love with a Masai she met on the likoni ferry. She says that she fell in love the second she saw him. It was that kind of soul pierceing, heart stopping "my life is bout to change" kind of love. She even says in an interview i read online that it was not a good feeling. She knew that what she felt would change her life. Lketinga was very tall and dark skinned wearing the full masaai warrior rigalia, with a strong handsome face looking as she writes, like a god.
He was good natured and kind hearted and after going back to swittzerland after her holiday she gives up her whole life there to come back and be with him.

The story is extremelly moving and Corrine Hofmann's ability to vividly describe events glues you to the every page. I finished the book in two sittings and became obsessed to find out what happened next. I discovered there was a sequel. I bought it the next day even coming to work late just so that I could wait for the bookstore to open.



I wish I didnt buy the sequel(s)... Because after that, I have been going through what feels like a heartbreak. Its terrible. Three days now, I cant get the story out of my head. Lketinga still lives here in samburu. Im overcome with tears when I think about the kind of life he lives and the fact that he is not with Corrine and their daughter Napirai. How Silly is that???

The last time I was like this was a year ago after i left Baby. I dont see the connection really cuz im sure i mourned him. And I dont love this man anymore.

I fell in love with the story of Corrine and Lketinga. I really did. And now its like I am having my heart broken cuz it 'didnt work out'. And the sad ending, I cant get over it. This is so unsual.

With love,
Purple.

Let me begin with the string of events that have occurred on my way to this computer...
Its about 25 degrees outside and walking in CBD at this time of day in this heat competing for sidewalk space with equally agitated civilians is not usually the best backdrop for me just before I am about to post a blog. Nonetheless, I have too many circusing thoughts and i need to lay them down here to release my mind of this over crowdedness.

I was standing on a cross roads (literally) thinking of the best aerated cyber in CBD that I can blog in before my lunch hour ended. For days I have been too tired to reach out for my laptop when I get home in the evening. Just as I was thinking about *Kent (work mate) and his favorite cyber in CBD, he leaps out right in front of me as if he was standing by the streetlight waiting for me to show up. Suddenly I can smile and laugh and make small talk of how he was just on my mind when he appeared; I had been having one of those gloomy I-hate-my-job mornings and i just didn't feel like being happy...intentionally, because the reality of my stinking job would not change the next day. But *Kent's infectious joy was able to erode all this melancholy. Just the other day I was in the same state of gloom when *Kent was sitting next to me at a meeting which we were waiting for to commence in this huge warehouse of a room with one air fan and repulsing hot air. I was slightly rude to him when he asked me what the matter was, stating that I was not my usual happy self that day. Why couldn't he see that I couldn't keep up with his upbeat, slightly childish and sometimes annoying Joy? And still after that, he was nice to me. Trying to break a smile out of me.

We crossed the road happily hand in hand; plutonically, as he made a joke, i think. I was laughing anyway. And then *Janice, my former workmate who left the company I am working for cuz she simply "isn't cut out for this shit", walked up to me with a huge smile on her face. "Purple!!!! Hiiiiiiiiii...!!!!!!"
I was so happy to see her! She was my source of happiness during my first days working for "Diabetes Limited (DL)"(not the real name) and I was extremely sad the day she left the company just three weeks after. She looked great and was "in a rush" to go and buy a pair of shoes she had left a down payment for a week before and was just horrified that the sales clerk might have sold them because she had taken too long go back and buy them. We promised each other we would hook up. *Kent had walked away. We had taken too long (15minutes) catching up and he was heading home (skiving jobo).

Just as I was watching *janice disappear round the corner, I heard my name being called out. My middle, home tribe name...(what do u call those??). I didnt respond at first cuz thats not a name that registers in my mind when I am not at home. I turned my head 2 seconds late and saw a middle aged man behind me waving frantically from inside a small firmiliar silver car. *Antony!!! my brain suddenly yelled. It was my cab guy. LOL. Heis usually stationed right outside our apartments at home and I saw him like an Uncle. He always spoke to me in vernacular stating that it was extremely important that I know how to speak in my mother tongue. I could understand the language but when it came to me forming sentences of my own, my brain just went on lock. *Antony was an old fashioned conservative kind of man with a heart of gold (cheap cab rides!!) who ironically listened to urban music, even if he couldn't sing along for the life of him. Every time i got into his car, he was listening to kiss100 or easyfm. He said to me once in Kiswahili that he enjoyed MY kind of music. Maybe he didn't, maybe he just wanted to connect with me and lied to create some kind of common ground between us so that I wouldn't haggle so much over cab fare haha.

By the time I was approaching the cyber my mood was up 150%. I was 100 km away from sadness. And then!!! an aunt of mine walks past me (she saw me i didnt see her) and shrieks my home name. Again I take a little longer than usual to respond to this call. She's sweaty and beat... looks like she just walked from muthurwa to town at 120 steps per minute. She's happy to see me all the same and asks me to hang in there (in reference to my job) and then she's off. Shes a friend of my mom's. Not my real aunt.

Its rare happenings like these that make me think that the universe is trying to send me a message. Like, "you are not alone. See all these people who love you that I just spontaneously sent to bump into you?" or "You can quit your job and still be as happy as *Janice, or end up as hassled looking as your aunt". Dude, I don't know. at least Im not so gloomy anymore. Also, it could be because im reading a very intuitive book. And so my messages to the Universe are translated with immediate effect. So all this weird/unusual stuff (unusual to me) is happening.

I might not have enough time to write about what I really wanted to today cuz my lunch break is almost over now and im 30 minutes behind schedule in sending those fucking orders.. so let me try to be brief and non explanatory.

The three most important things in my life are My Career, My Love life and My health. (family and friends fall into love life). In my mind, they appear like three big Greek pillars and on top of these pillars is the world. Sorrounded by clouds and blue skies. The 'world' is me, i think. Anyway this is how they appear in my mind. Right now, none of these pillars is where I want them to be. I have ten minutes to the end of lunch break... mmmh where should i begin.

Motor cycle guy is just amazing. I even feel like deleting my previous blog because i read all his signs wrong. He is gentle and caring and sympathetic and motivated and into me and 'you have been the woman of my dreams since I met you three years a go' ish.
I think I am incapable of loving at this point. My heart and mind are pretty made up. They're just sitting there with their arms crossed across their chests waiting for me to freaking leave the guy already!!!. After I left baby, my ex whom I loved to the death of me, Im just thinking that i haven't had a stable relationship since then! And look, I just recently realized this. I have been knowing that everything is going great and i just hadn't met someone I want to settle down with yet. After Baby, there was Brit (former blogs). He was amaaaazing!!! the perfect escape from my toxic, chokingly consuming former relationship with baby. He was everything I wanted in a man. Frankly, everything that Baby wasn't and I wanted him to be. He took my breath away with how he spoke, how he touched me, how he &*$3^@ me, how he cooked... But then I couldn't stay.

And then there was this thing that until now i cant explain, with MG. The whole affair (lol) gave me writer's block for months and I couldn't write or blog.

Then there was *Alex. He was also a nice guy but too talkative and Sanguine for my liking. He was a great guy tho.

And now, Motor cycle. I was so into him at the beginning. I was even afraid I was falling in love. But now I am almost indifferent to him.And him, he's still treating me like a pearl he found in the ocean. So fuck me for being so ... choosy?stupid?unappreciative?stupid?stupid?stupid.

One thing we need to be clear on though is that I am NOT in love with Baby. I haven't been in over a year. I see him sometimes.We are casual friends and I just see him as my past. Despite all the pain he caused me, it was through him that I knew what I will never tolerate from a man. A standard that i carry like a badge of honor but now I'm starting to see as a limitation. *Sammie (samantha) says that my standards are too high. I refute that. I think they are just rare. I don't need a guy to be stinking rich or devilishly handsome or whatever romantic novel rhapsody you can thank of. But there is a certain few things that i think my man must have before i fully submit to him. And these are not things that i have consciously coined, but have over time developed in my psyche. Like a guy can have these Basic Qualities (like the basic needs in Maslow's hierarchy of needs), and I will fall for him foolishly. And he could be missing the other qualities that i look for in a man, and i am totally fine. Clear now? Like there are attributes which I like to call Basic Qualities that a guy has to have for me to fall for him. Some which I don't even know what to call in language...like swag, or these things that more visually than logically explainable. Anyway, mister motor cycle is lacking a few...
Im thinking that its cuz i hadn't gotten intimate with a man in sooooooo long that maybe i just needed a fix and so thats why my body was playing a trick on my heart making false beliefs that Motor guy is the shit. Making me believe the same. I'm disgusted by this trail of destruction I am leaving behind me...
I gatta run.
We shall continue this later... :) :) :) :)

CAVE AGE ERA MUCH?

Helooo :) :)

Today i have been a very good girl. I got to work on time and i have reached and surpassed my sales target... the stars are surely aligned for me today :)

We didn't end up going for Churchill live on Tuesday, RudeBoyNotsoRide (a.k.a MotorBike guy ~ MB guy) and I cuz of the rain. I thought that that was such a stupid excuse! especially cuz I was already on my way from work to Carnivore when he cancelled. And even if he cancelled and there was a huge down pour, si he should have told me we meet up in CBD instead??? since we both work here...and the whole date was about hanging out with me. Wasn't it?
I was on full HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU defence mode. Dude. I have no more tolerance for crap ~ only and only if i feel and see that you could be the ONE... and even then my crap tolerance level is low. And you will be TOO INTO ME to pull such stunts.

He called back ten minutes later to uncancel the date saying that we can can just go by cab (instead of him going to pick the car from destination-very-far)... Logistics should have been planned effectively prior. He knows he is on thin ice anyway cuz he knows I have been warned against him. So yeah, game up.
I was like, "no no lets just hook up some other time cuz I have already turned around." he knew he had fucked up and that's why he called back.yup yup.

So anyway here's what i wanted to talk about.
On our first date he mentioned how his ex never used to offer to come over and cook for him or anything knowing well that he cant cook and lives alone. I thought 'aww how cute he wants someone to feed him. easy i can do that'... Yesterday he had a headache. He was like, come and massage me nini nini work is killing me... I was like awww get well soon. your probably dehydrated have a glass of water and moniter it, youll be fine.
Today he's like, hope you slept well, wish you could bring me breakfast or better yet, you.

?????

Is it just me or are u also reading into this like he wants a maid~girlfriend~bitch~bendover sorta relationship ?? This isnt the 60s... no mad~men scenario here... i wish you could bring me breakfast?

I dunno, this is weird. And yeah!!! i would love to do this kind of stuff for MY BOYFRIEND. WHO I HAVE FALLEN In LOVE WITH.OVER TIME
I dont think he should be suggesting such stuff after one date! i hardly know him. I don't even know his second name. ai?

I smell a rat.

i donno i dont think im wrong...

its been forever...

Sigh, I cant even really remember where i left things.
Well, Ive got 40 minutes to write this before I'm forced to do get back to work.

The reason I hadn't really been blogging is because of the twisted awkward unusual place I was in my life; love life to be more certain.

Rem Married Guy? otherwise known as MG? ((shaking head in disgrace))...

Despite the fact that my contract with the company we were both working for ended, (meaning I would see less or even non of him) we still used to see each other quite a lot. Mostly on the weekends. Anyway, a lot has happened in between then and now, stuff that's not really worthy of my blog so i wont get into it. But in short, I haven't slept with him, i have kissed him many times, I do NOT have the strong feelings i had for him anymore (i really cannot get passed the wedding ring _no matter how hard i try), and so now I just you know... left the whole thing. well sorta.

Also somewhere in between, i met this guy, Mr. A. haha how weird was that month long relationship-thing. *rolling eyes* dating is really not fun.

I also graduated from UNI yaaaayyyy!!! I miss it so much tho. i just wanna party and not have to think about work the next day. blegh.

And now, there's a new guy. Mr Not-so-rude-rude-boy... Okay so here's the story with him. about three years ago, when I was still in uni (duh), i met him in Black rose's apartment. It was a hangover Friday , as was every Friday in my uni, and i was going to check up on my girls after the previous night's reckless drinking! I noticed him straight away when I stepped into the room.. you know one of those, butterflies at first sight. After he left later on i asked about him... and Black rose and Sassy were like, "Purple dew, you really do have bad boy syndrome. hes not a good guy. and he's also asked about you. what is it with u and falling for assholes"... or something close to that. you get the drift though. And then there was a bunch of other stuff they told me about his past that totally threw me off.

so i lengad the crush and moved on with my dysfunctional relationship with Baby. (reff to former blogs). Anyways, over the past year he has always been asking me out on a date and i have always been giving excuses or bluntly ignoring him when he chats me up on face book. i just didn't want his storo. but i was still atrtracted to him so sometimes i would go back to Black Rose and ask her "what is his issue again?".

Alright so yesterday. he chatts me up as usual and i ignore him as usual. but then this time he says "purple dew why do u always ignore me? M sorry to bother you tho" And im like "im writing an email, relax"... which i wasnt..
and we start to chat up. he asks me out on a date. tells me that I should get to know him, give him a chance, blah blah blah. he plead a good case however. so I chat up Black rose and im like, girl, what was the story with RudeBoyNotRude again?
ANd she says the same stuff.
okay, now this time i know i don't hav an excuse.I am not seeing anyone, I was free in the afternoon and bored as hell at work, so i said, OKay...

My resilience with bad boys has grown tremendously. My girls fail to believe so.

I meet him. Butterflies and everything. He is shorter and smaller that I remembered. Must be all these Idris Elba sex fantasies ive been having; raising my bar really high :)...

I went on this date with my guard as high as the wall of china. I was expecting to meet this arrogant selfish bastard, you know? and im telling you, he was so sweet and shy and awww i was just blown away. Right, but not everything was perfect... I expected to be taken to a nicer more expensive place..*cringe*... Dude im not going to end up in another BRIT-relationship (ref to former blogs)...
Anyway, he lives alone, works, has hopes and ambitions of making it someday. owns a sexy bike, kinda cute... and is going to pick me up today from work so that we can go and watch Churchill live. He got office tickets (he's not buying them :( ... )but at least im going for a live performance right.
All these women empowerment books are not helping a bratha.

so!!! i'm back and and i aint high in crack!! lol

I love you all.

Stay Tuned.
Purple.

Long Awaited

SIX months since my last post...!!
OOOh how i missed my blog and all my followers.
Coming soon...
Mucho love..

12 THINGS

Like I said, i turn 22 on friday...And I wanted to make a list of things that you, (friends/followers) dont know about me. I couldnt come up with 22, but I came up with 12!! more than half.

(1) I had a blankie until I was 14 years. I couldnt sleep without it; its what got me to sleep. I used to...smell it..sorta sniff it... ALL DAY! Unless i wasnt in the house. I had about six and they had to be washed with stay soft otherwise I couldnt 'smell' them. And as I did, i'd 'do' my mouth just like a baby looking for a mother's breast...haha, or you know how your mouth moves when you are on a pacifier? That was what I did with the blankie only it wasnt in my mouth, I just held it up to my face. And when I was packing for my first day of highschool (boarding school) my dad saw it in my trunk and refused me to carry it. So I left it behind. and then the habbit sorta just disappeared.

(2) The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is pee.

(3) I notice a man by his Skin tone (dark), height, shirt, cologne, smile, voice, watch... exactly in that order.

(4) I dont like writing with a black biro

(5) I can never go to bed without brushing my teeth. Even when im high

(6)I collect all my old scratch cards. Have quite a huge collection now

(7) If i could do anything i wanted in the world, and be sure not to fail, I would be an Actor, a Dancer, then a singer an artist (draw) and a photogropher. Clearly im in the wrong career. All these are the arts.

(8) I hate that when I'm anxious or nervous I get verbal diahorroea.

(9)My favourite weather is when it rains (or when the sun comes out just after) and all my sex fantasies in such weather.

(10)I went lesbo for some months when Baby and I were having madd issues and i was depressed. And relations with two females... *cringe* No?

(11) My plan had always been to wait for marriage to have sex.

(12) When i get really stressed in an exam (and this is true as hell) I get horny. Its like an anxious, stressed arousal... ??? not ati 'aaawwwww i am horny'..nah. And its frustrating and there was this one time in highschool during a chem paper, it happened and i said fuck it, so, i had a small orgasm. I had to save this for last!
If this happens to anyone else please let it be known!! i know im not alone.

(13)I JUST THOT OF THIS ONE!!!! I LOVE JAKE SULLY (AVATAR) HIS REAL NAME IS SAMUEL WORTHINGTON AND HES A 34 YR OLD AUSIE. I THINK THE AVATAR FILM IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER... The love story was not so original but it was still played out beautifuly! aND I LOVED IT...I wish it was me!
I never watch movies twice cuz i dont like the predictability. like NEVER. However, there are some movies i have watched over and over : ANNIE (when i was 6 or 7, i watched it evryday and knew all the songs by heart),CRUEL INTENTIONS (the original with Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon), FACE OFF, and now AVATAR... I wish I was in the Omaticaya tribe, and had a tail... Tsu'tey was a little sexier than Jake though giggle...



Mucho cyber love XXXXXXooooooo
PD

VANISHING POINT

I AM A PIECES

I turn 22 on Friday! I get so excited whenever March comes around...!! every day of march is my birthday!is how i feel!!! I have big dreams for friday night maynnnnn!!

Here's some stuff that i chose to ommit from my other posts cuz I just wasnt sure where to start with this thing. Married guy (MG) made a some serious remarks to me yesterday that threw me off course a little.
Older men have this unbelievable confidence to say and do things when they want a woman ...
Like I said, during Black Rose's birthday heng, i bumped into him and his friend at the club. That was the first time he saw me with my friends, drunk, and just not office-like.
I know his story... that his wife trapped him into the whole marriage thing, and that he loves his kids but she is not his type. I roll my eyes evrytime he repeats that story to me in reffrence to me reminding him that he has a wife!

This is the reall situation with him though... At work, my team is a fun team. He's in the team... and the team and I have really fun times together; in and out of the office. So MG and I have had many bonding moments and gossip updates on whats cutting upstairs (another department)... but all this was before he started hitting on me. And get this, i didnt know he was married!! He's gained some weight in the past few years and so his ring had been at the jewelers for a month been resized. Long over due, but he said that he just never got the time to go pick it up.
During this Period, I had texted my ...closest girlfriend,Puppy,telling her that I had the hugest crush on this guy from the office (MG)
(((SHIT!)))
Then we had this huge office event, and at the party, I was talking to one of my team members, and she was telling me (more of whining) about her looking for the right man to marry...and then she started to mention all the men in our department who were married...and she mentioned MG! I had been working here for about 3-4 weeks by then. I was like, "WHHHHOOOO????" and she clarified, "MG...si he even has two small kids..." she brushed.

OOOkkkaaayy...!! I texted puppy and gave her the update. she replied "YOU BETTER LENGA THAT STORY ASAP!"
I was in complete agreement!! I concurred!
The good thing is at the time, he hadn't made a move on me. What he used to do was just the usuall: offer me a ride home, but drinks, laugh with me in the office etc. And on my part, i knew it was more than a kind gesture, but, i mean, how many guys do 'such'?? so I was just kind of indifferent about the whole affair (not in the Clinton-Lewinsky kind of way LOL)To me he was just ana guy trynig to hit on me.

So now yesterday, i was packing my stuff in the office getting ready to go home and he asked, out loud, "Purpledew, im heading home now, you want a lift??"
I took long to respond pretending i didnt hear but then, that made the silence in the air awkward as everyone (in the office) was subconciously waiting for my response, so i said in a 'oh sure!!' kind of tone "Yeah okay!"

In the car...
We are talkling about totally random stuff for a long time... traffic was crazy.. and then he asks why I dont seat next to him at lunch and basically why I have 'changed' the past few weeks. And I say, "because THEN, i dint know you were married, and now i know you are..."
(we were having a cigarette...)
"So that means you had something for me before I got my ring back...?" he shrugs
I freeze.
"I mean... i thought you were single... so... me... " god knows what i said next cuz i cant remember.

That is true... I did have a crush-thing on him. It could have showed. I even had even fantasized a little about the shag. Haha. Daym...

ANd he says "COOL!"

And then he adds "I need to get this car washed... Will you seat with me as I wait??"
"aaaii MG, seriously I have to go home.(he's pulled such a stunt before)" I try not to sound rude since he is still my supervisor at the end of the day...
"Look at this traffic PD... Just here K1, we wait, you can have a bite to eat... Fine! Call your girls if you think I have ulterior motives."

So I take out my phone boldy and start to speed dial Puppy's number as I think of who else I can call. She doesnt pick...
I call black rose, she sounds like shes already on her way home so i act like i called her about something else and change the topic. Then I get a text from puppy saying that shes in a meeting and she'll call me back. Sassy works too far... and so do the rest. Shit.
"anyway," I think "I'll just focus on random topics to talk about since we do get along.

FOWARD
Hes having a white cap and im on my second Fanta.
And he starts...
" You know, I was resigning in August, but since you came I decided to push till NOvember."(my internship lasts till April or Aug).
"MG... aki please si we lenga that story?" i try to smile, BUT HE HAD JUST THROWN OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE
"And when you went on study leave last week, I would come to work for three hours"
"Really...?" I retort sarcastically
"Im serious ask Figit"...

The conversation was one of those where i had to be nice nad nod you know... cuz hes my boss, but at the same time, I was trying to gain controll over the direction of the topic. i was very uncomfortable

Then he asks if i watched greys anatomy (i do duuuhhh)and if i remember that Mcdreamy was married to the gyna, but he wante marydith... Im nothing like marydith! Thats black rose... im like isabel and christina combined!

He mentioned somewhere in there that, where was I four years ago, which is when he got married... And that was what really like OVERWHELMED me and that was when I lied to him that Brit and I were officially a couple and that i was so in love that I want to go on the pill(brit and I have never been official but office people dont know a tad about my love life except MG since he met Brit last week at Black roses birthday heng...and I told him then, that Brit was a guy I was 'just' interested in...)

ha. oH shit...

This is soooo not how i want my post break up with brit to be... Wait, did I mention that I ended things with him last saturday? Well I did. It was the right thing to do. You all know why (ref to all former blogs) . He was a keeper... it hurt letting him knowing that.

Anyways, Universe, Im posting this out to you.
DURING THIS TIME OF SINGLEHOOD, I WANT PEACE, AND JOY, AND GREAT MOVIES AND MUSIC TO WATCH, AND LOSTA FUN AND LOVE with and from MY GIRLS, HAPPY TIMES, COLD RAINY CUDDLY INDOOR AFERNOONS WITH ELLEN DEGENRES AND AVATAR AND GREYS AND MY PERSON (WHICH IM YET TO FIND...NOT A BOYFRIEND, A BFF),AND NO FEELING EVER, OF BEING LONELY OR NEEDY. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE AND BE IN LOVE WITH THAT. AND THEN WHEN I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE, ITS GOT TO BE HIM... MY THE-ONE. NOT ANOTHER TIME WASTING RELATIONSHIP. COMPRENDE?

EL FIN.





MUCH CYBER LOVE. XoXo

One MORE thing about the guy with the golden badge

I hope this blog will come out as clear and as vivid as it is in my mind because I am distratcted by the television and the Kikuyu radio station blasting in the kitchen. (The house help is all up in her element man, I cant tell her to switch it off).

I forgot to mention on my last that on the Thursday of Valentine's week, I came home to find my cousins from the UK and my new neice who I met for the first time since she was born in London. It was really emotional since my cousins and I hadnt seen each other for over 6 years. They looked to grown up!! and pretty... and they had a dash of an accent I could tell. LOL. To everythinh I said, Yama would say "yee"... as in, "yaa" is the way we say it here. Or when I showed her a top i had bought a week before she said "wicked". It was so much fun,lol.
so while we were still gushing over how are you's and look how much you've become pretty's, my little neice kept on shouting at her mom (my cousin), "MOMI, teddiii, Teddiii" while pointing at my bedroom. Yama shut her off everytime..so anyway i didnt pay much attiention to that.

Yama was walking infront of me as we walked towards my bedroom in search of a more confined spot spot catch up. At the rim of my bedroom window was a huge bouquet of white flowers... The first thing that cane to my mind was that Yama had brought us (my fam and me) flowers just as a sign of compassion, and that they were inmy room cuz the living room was filled with guests. But by the way she leaned back and blushed at me looking at the flowers, I knew that that wasnt it.
and then it hit me... rather lethargically, that they must have been from Brit. Burried in the fat crown of petals was a card reading,

'Happy Valentines. You tha Best'

'How adorable' I thought... 'If only i loved him'
And there was also a Teddy bear, and White Tolberone chocolates...
He remembered my obbsession with white roses and white chocolate.
My mum peeped into the room whispering "Youve seen your tu things?".. she was smiling from ear to ear. lol.


Then on valentines day he brought over three little boxes wrapped in my favourite colours, BLUE and PURPLE... and inside them were chocolates and a thong in each.

soooooo anyyyywwwaaayyyyyyyy...

I have tonnes to write about married guy but then Ellen Degeneres has started and we dont have the PVR decoder... Much much love.REALLY.

LIFE UPDATE

I HAD A BLASSSSST THIS WEEKEND.
SINCERLY.

DARK N TWISTY;AWESOME PARTY.
REALLY.

I THINK I AM SO OVERWORKED THAT I HAD FORGOTEN HOW TO GET DRUNK AND TALK JIBBERISH WITH MY OH-SO-COOL-SUPER-GIRL-CREW. (just realised im writing in CAPS)

rewind

Valentines week

I wasnt so excited. I usually am.Cuz im in my niche on Valentine's day. Despite the fact that I had a guy who is crazy about me by my side,I just wasnt into it. 'im just nOt that into him' (read the book? or seen the film?)
I dont give a hoot now for being judged.
"Oh Purple dew good men dont come that easy... Anyway, you should know." my frenemy sent that text. Stupid. So she met this good guy and all she does EVERYTIME is tell me how lucky she is. Shit! shut the fuck up!!! ( she's baby's ex... YES MY BABY.)

I know that Brit is the BEST GUY IN THE WORLD!!!! I KNOOOOOOOW. Every time i hear someone telling me that, I see this animation in my head of him standing on top of the world (in space) with a huge grin on his face and a gleaming BRIGHT GOLD MEDAL on his right shoulder reading, "THE BEST GUY IN THE WORLD!"
Mayn, I get it.
I know this though, that I am not screwing up if I leave him. His not Mine. There is some girl out there who deserves him. And Im just wasting his time.
He wouldnt hear of this though. I told him. By the pool on Sunday night at my place.
Sigh... I keep seeing my knight in shining armour in my head. ITS NOT HIM.

In the process now of finally ending this.
I love you Brit.
If it wasnt for you, I would have never believed that there are STILL good men out there. (i thought they were extinct)... ( he doesnt read this. Im just relaying this to the Universe).


SO SATURDAY NIGHT!!! FU*N
We leave black rose's house AND head to Westy. Brit had been calling all day by then since he was already there (at Bacchus)... But we went to Qs. And I wanted to go to Qs. Not bacchus and play wife.
I see DAINTY DIVA (DD) at the other end of the bar.. You mean she's back from SA!! excitement! I buy her a shot of tequilla. we do it..FIre! Her side kick shows up. She used to be like my BFF in highschool but nowadais she has a weng, and a lame attitude. This isnt hollywood hunny. She hasnt even flown out to ANYWHERE so me that weng... pleeeez.

Puppy cmes up to me and says that RUFF GURL is looking for me and that shes upstairs. another one of my highschool mates. so we go up. IM tipsy by now. As we peep onto the roof top, the first person I see belive it or not is MARRIED GUY! ahahaha! This guy i could swear was stalking me! Qz isnt even his crowd. Shouldnt he be babysitting??

Hes been hitting on me for like 4 weeks now. Its kind of weird. eugh. But i just lenga. Good thing is that he throws drinks like madddd!( my bday is next weekend i have to call him)... So i say hi. as usuall he gives me that drooling look. Smirk. I roll my eyes when he's not looking. Intro him to Puppy, hoping that he falls in love with her and leaves me alone. he offers me a cigi.

PARRRTTYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Brit shows up.

I spent the whole night moving from Married guys table (where we were all sitting) to Brits table (he was sitting at the counter).

I got drunkkkk!!
Blast married guy and tell him to stop hitting on me. Hes all gentlemanish so he's calm and all. Kind of handsome...yeah yeah.. then he goes to brit and strats haviing a laugh with him. AWKWARD...

I glance over to my left and see puppy dancing with the lesbians from Uni and I almost colappse in shock. I had a fling of some sort with one of them and Puppy was all up in my space religiously condeming me...I didnt care cuz she (les gal) made my horny as hell at the time.

Eh, i have really typed without mpango. (sorry readers)
I am so bored at work now. have to keep minimizing this page when the bosses (which is everyone since im an intern) pass by.

I got to work today and discoverd that married guy is my SUPERVISOR!!!!!! CRINGE!!!!!
HAHAHA. HE HASNT SHOWN UP YET (PHEW). bUT I JUST GOT MY PAPERS WHICH HE IS MENT TO SIGN AS MY SUPERVISOR! SHAIT.
I love you ALLL!!!
TATA.

OH SHIT HE JUST PASSED BEHIND ME MY STOMACH TURNED TO JELLOO FUUUUUCKKKK! YALL DONT EVEN KNOW!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AAHAHHA

rainbow colors

another post for today!! I am having a great day at work. My supervisor has surprisngle loosened her leash on me. And three good things have happened to me today: I got a free sausage, won a bet for sh500 and got a chocolate from the guy of procurement upstairs.

My main agenda for this note was to post the beautiful LGBT flag in support of this community. I stumbled upon it while on cuppatea's blog and i was in awe when i discovered that they hae a flag!! how awesome!!
THey are a beautiful colourfull HAPPY and HOPEFULL lot and they are here to stay.
THere's no point in wars. Instead of having a human rights battle, lets do a human rights peace walk.
AND BESIDES, WILL AND GRACE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT WILL... AND THE OTHER QUEEN I FORGET HIS NAME.

OBSESSED IS ME (SEEN THE MOVIE?)

He's got evrything I want his yummy (human) being him!
I had a dream the other day about him teaching me how to drive ( i drive but havent ever since I got bashed 2 years ago), and on this day, as he was seated on the passenger's siT instructing me, his palm reassuringly on my thigh, he told me to drive to a certain location. And there was a house; meduim sized,not large, but cozy. and he took me inside, and told me it was our place.

"but i live with my parents now (they were in Nainja for 3 years) they cant let me move in with you" I cried.
"eis okay lov (british accent. You do know that he grew up in East London)... but you can come here any time you want. Spend the night.. we can cook there ( he pointed at the beautifuly laid out kitchen), Its got four bedrooms, and im getting a master bed for us."

I think i must have cum in my sleep hahaha. Or maybe shed a joyfull tear.

Where are you MAN OF MY DREAMS!!!!!!!

PS: SORT OF ENDED THINGS WITH BRIT. WILL KEEP YALL POSTED
i LOVE YOU ALL!!! MUCHO LOVE

BTW CUPPA, THE LGBT (lesbain gay bi tranni) FLAG IS SO BEAUTIFUL.I PRINTED IT FROM YOUR POST AND PLACED IT IN MY WALLET. I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS EVEN A FLAG! SINCE THE SEVENTIES. TOO AWESOME

I am the Michael Angelo of my life

Okay this is for all the brit supporters out there.
TRYING IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
I just recently revealed to myself that i dont LOVE him.I like him ALOOT but i dont love him. Problem is we're already on the i love you phase. I wasnt comfy with saying it from the begining i remember but iwas soo excited about him that i just used to say it loosely.
I regret that.
Cuz now, i think he means it and i have to say it back when i know from the bottom of my heart i dont mean it. shit! Atleast because i like him alot and hes such a great guy, its not hard to sound like i mean it. I dont want to hurt his feelings so how now after three months can i start back pedalling by asking him that we stop saying 'i love you'. Let me tell you, ths is also the shit end of the stick.

And i think hes going to bring me valentine's day gifts in the office. yeah! STAB ME IN MY EYE. Let me tell you though, i love love love just how great of a guy he is but that will never equate him to being my the one. I am the full blown romantic believe me. ask anyone! But if your mind is visualising somebody else, and your heart is rooting for it, youre going to end up just like me in this mix.

I visualise alot. I like to paint pictures of my future. Like my wedding, my husband, my house, my next meal, those Jimmy Choos that will fall from the sky like manna... and when i do this visualation thing, the love of my life is a huge built tall MAN (like O'neal !!!! well not that big but thereabouts ...but if he comes looking like shaquel i wont mind), DARK skinned, so so very handsome, great teeth, CONFIDENT AND STRAIGHT FOWARD,looks good in a shirt and smells good, good heart, sharp intellect, large DI*$!, good education, funny (the usuall here)... Anyway, let me not sound too demanding but Brit falls short only on the personality profile( and a bit on the physical but thats not a probsince hes still really hot) For the most part, he is the best guy with the biggest heart but i feel as though I have a bigger pesonality presence than him. He's quiet, which is good, and i want my FOREVER to be just as calm and quiet cuz im talkative nini nini, but i wonder whether he would stand up for me in an argument you know? And I like a guy who has a presence.NOT EGO,OR ARROGANT AURA... i just hope yall get me. The best example i can give you is IDRIS ELBA. He was in Obsessed (with Beyonce), American Gangsta (as the guy Denzel shot point blank on the street) and Daddy's little girls. Thats my forever! praise the lord.

Im trying to focus on all of Brit's good, and not the bad that i dont want. So far so good but i know tht after some time i will want more and i might just bail.
Mucho Cyber Love!!!!

STUPID GIRL

Yesterday I went for the march on uhuru highway that commemorated the life and death of Martin Njuma may he rest in peace.

By then, my feelings for Brit had gone on a plunging decline. I invited him to come for the walk with me...

Before he told me about how they (his family and he)were at a rocky financial place, i was fine with stuff such as handling the bill, using pubic transport together etc. After he told me this truth however, shit in my mind has just changed.

We were in the jav going to the venue on barichO road where the walk/march was going to begin and all i could think was, "When we get married we'll still be javing?"
And then he was wearing thos african beaded chains. I liked it...yeah, if I was 17. "Where is his golden man chain? ...?" i thought. I was goimg to introduce him to alot of high end people that day...
Yeah youre probably thinking im a total bitch, but you knw what, JUDGE ME. Had it been me reading this i would think the same.

So we got there. Met Bootyfull and her-triplet (i forget the name i gave her on my blog)
We all walked together. THere were some random side dramas happening at the event but they arent really relevant...
Her-triplet whispered in my ear, "i read your blog..."
I was glad she did so now i didint have to start explaining whats going on between me and brit. She told me she'd beat me if i left him over something like money.
I couldnt agree more.
Bootyfull on the other hand said that i cant force myself to be where i cant and if i want to leave, i should...
I tried to shove that advice aside.

The walk was refeshing. I wished i walked like that evryday. I need to change my lifestyle!

After that, we went up to the old K1 now called THE CLICK, and had a few drinks.
I was like, "arrrgh, i dont want to spend my money." a.k.a i dont want to handle the bill. What i had in my wallet was for the dentist appointment i was to have today (it was a horror by the way).
The thought of me doing that made me want to just leave.

But shock!!! He was handling the bill.

BUT...

It felt like my heart was already out the door :-(
I wasnt feelong him.
"shit purpledew, you'll never get a guylike this one!" I scolded myself.

But even as he reached in for a kiss, i hoped that it would be a quick kiss.

So I told him. That I wanted to leave him.
The excuse i used was so far fetched but he bought it.
I watched his heart break infront of me. He is so handsome :-(.
(note; i dint leave him, i just suggested it)...that sounds so stupid.

On the way home, we were quiet.
He walked me home, holding my hand while looking down. I still didn't
want to change my mind.

WE got to this tree that he likes to call my spot and looked me dead in the eye and said,
"If you leave me you'll shred life apart."
"Babe... I dont know..."i mumbled
He was choking his words by now.
"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me purpledew i told you that and i love you so much. I wioll maik you appy (his british accent had started to escalate)"

I felt TERRIBLE!!! AND I JUST WANTED TO CRY
I started to imagine myself in a reality show where brit and I were the stars and now everyone who was watching was jus thinkig how terrible I am. And then I saw myself on the show of "The Bachelor, The Men say it all" and the people in the audience were hurling insults at me. and then, i felt bad.. and i wept a little. and he, unsurprisingly hugged me.

We were now not almost separated.

This morniing he asked me if i would change my facebook relationship status when i became his GIRLFRIEND. I frowned at that last word.


STUCK.

STORMY PROPHESY

This year started really well for me... I went to coast with Brit and the rest of the crew (reffer to previous blog) and i got an internship in a huge MultiNational which so far I am enjoying to the nail.

However
:-)
...
BRIT...
Over the past few weeks I came to a startling revelation...sad and maybe too blunt, but true. This one rare prince charming of my life is... kind of low on the monetary department of our union. Okay... he's kind of broke (CRINGE!!!) I have been thinking all week of how to write that without sounding deragatory or mean or stingy.

Brit is so humble and funny and cares about the tiniest details of me which i had been itching all my life to find a man that does.

He opened up to me some time back about how things got this way for them. This hadnt always been his life. And it was clear from the fact that he attended one of the most highest fee priced highschools in the country. His personal tendancies are also a reflection of how 'things' used be in the past. A reflection which i thought was a reality and not the former. So anyways, he also reveled to me that things were not going to be that way for long and that he has big plans for me he says... but that could just be Wishful Thinking.
Look, Im NOT a gold digger. In fact, none of the guys I have dated have ever been eti ballers or even rich (considering BABY-the current Ex a.k.a love of my life). But after that toxic relationship, I was dtermined to have a brighter future. And I dont mean gifts FOR ME or anything to do with personal benefits; I wanted to do stuff that was fun and exciting and adventurous. Stuff that can only get anywhere in this day and age with PAPER;MULLAH;CHEDDAR...MANEH

Brit still hasnt lost his inner peace or loving nature OR funny stories or his way of loving a woman despite the fact that certain events led the abrupt change of his lifestyle. No matter how much shit comes his way, he's still the same; happy. And just watching that makes me fill up with so much love for him.

On the other hand though, its a complete turn off.
Yes, it is.
If i visualise myself reaching to pay for a bill one more time, im gonna have a panic attack.
and he gets so worked up when we are in such situations.
Me, I'm ironically calm then.
"Babe, its okay!... come on we're in this pamoja*" is what i say.
But in reality, its killing me too that sometimes I've had to 'handle' the bill.
Shit. It's so mentally disturbing.
Its how I am. I will offer to pay occassionally but only as a sign of 'I got you/thanks for handling it all the other times, allow me...ETCs'
A small part of me is still traditional,(yay! hence the name of my blog)but its a small part with a huge stakehold power over how my mind and emotions function together.

I dont know what to do...
I mean i cant leave him based on something so baseless (sorta)...

Then theres Married guy from work slowly but surely making the move on me. Its interesting waiting for his next move but im not intrested. nad theres single manager guy who last weekend was abit furnny with me in the club last weekend. THats just a by the way..

Should I just hang around and deprive myself of stuff i want to do cuz i cant afford it for the both of us two times in a row or whatever...??
And I even think I love him.(so twisted)
...

I dont think I can hang on too long so i just need something to make me stay

FORBIDDEN FRUIT

I'm in the middle of a really heated debate about land rovers and Range rovers.. Of course i don't have a stake in such conversations because i know very little about cars. All i know is that in this debate, im on the Range bleachers...
So anyway, Mombasa is so beautiful this time of year (im at the coast)... We decided to come after the festivities to avoid the chaos. I thought it was a lame idea...but i now know that i wouldnt have enjoyed myself had i come then. My cousin who lives here tells me that they were in traffic from 2 am till 5.30 am on new years eve. 2 am to 5 am!!!! and that the human traffic was so much that she said this year she wont stay i the Mombasa for the holidays... Also had a wax today. Brazilian. shiyet it hurts.

When I said that WE decided to come over after the festivities, I meant Brit, myself and a couple of other people.

Here's what's going on,

We are staying at out friends house. and he is reeeaaallly RICH. seven bedrommed house, biggest residential swimming pool in Mombasa, pool house and pool bar... His friends haha, a bunch of rich kids who talk about big cars, women and extravagant living every second of the day, spend their fathers' money and do not hide this fact, and walk around in their im so rich frames raining money, bursting out in huge bursts of deep ego filled laughters every time someone says something which according to them is incredibly funny. I know i sound so satirical but i am having the time of my life with these guys.
So here's the catch
THese guys are huge (literally) ego filled, laugh out loud, buy any drink on me kind of guys.

Brit on the other hand is quiet reserved and doesn't retaliate when the bots start to bully him( and I do). The boys bully each other in turns all the time. And I personally am attracted to a man who has a bit of fight in him. And this turns me off so much that today when we were making love, i had to visualise that i was with Idris Elba just so that i could get into it...


Because I really like this guy, i wont persist on the negative for much longer. But one of the big boys here i can see is really into me and i didnt give a fuck till today... because i found myself trying to impress him.

Brit is the best most sweetest guy I have ever known, and this big boy is the kind of guys i am attracted to that just fuck me over. So i know im lucky to be with brit; I just, I dont know...

HELP.