Let me begin with the string of events that have occurred on my way to this computer...
Its about 25 degrees outside and walking in CBD at this time of day in this heat competing for sidewalk space with equally agitated civilians is not usually the best backdrop for me just before I am about to post a blog. Nonetheless, I have too many circusing thoughts and i need to lay them down here to release my mind of this over crowdedness.

I was standing on a cross roads (literally) thinking of the best aerated cyber in CBD that I can blog in before my lunch hour ended. For days I have been too tired to reach out for my laptop when I get home in the evening. Just as I was thinking about *Kent (work mate) and his favorite cyber in CBD, he leaps out right in front of me as if he was standing by the streetlight waiting for me to show up. Suddenly I can smile and laugh and make small talk of how he was just on my mind when he appeared; I had been having one of those gloomy I-hate-my-job mornings and i just didn't feel like being happy...intentionally, because the reality of my stinking job would not change the next day. But *Kent's infectious joy was able to erode all this melancholy. Just the other day I was in the same state of gloom when *Kent was sitting next to me at a meeting which we were waiting for to commence in this huge warehouse of a room with one air fan and repulsing hot air. I was slightly rude to him when he asked me what the matter was, stating that I was not my usual happy self that day. Why couldn't he see that I couldn't keep up with his upbeat, slightly childish and sometimes annoying Joy? And still after that, he was nice to me. Trying to break a smile out of me.

We crossed the road happily hand in hand; plutonically, as he made a joke, i think. I was laughing anyway. And then *Janice, my former workmate who left the company I am working for cuz she simply "isn't cut out for this shit", walked up to me with a huge smile on her face. "Purple!!!! Hiiiiiiiiii...!!!!!!"
I was so happy to see her! She was my source of happiness during my first days working for "Diabetes Limited (DL)"(not the real name) and I was extremely sad the day she left the company just three weeks after. She looked great and was "in a rush" to go and buy a pair of shoes she had left a down payment for a week before and was just horrified that the sales clerk might have sold them because she had taken too long go back and buy them. We promised each other we would hook up. *Kent had walked away. We had taken too long (15minutes) catching up and he was heading home (skiving jobo).

Just as I was watching *janice disappear round the corner, I heard my name being called out. My middle, home tribe name...(what do u call those??). I didnt respond at first cuz thats not a name that registers in my mind when I am not at home. I turned my head 2 seconds late and saw a middle aged man behind me waving frantically from inside a small firmiliar silver car. *Antony!!! my brain suddenly yelled. It was my cab guy. LOL. Heis usually stationed right outside our apartments at home and I saw him like an Uncle. He always spoke to me in vernacular stating that it was extremely important that I know how to speak in my mother tongue. I could understand the language but when it came to me forming sentences of my own, my brain just went on lock. *Antony was an old fashioned conservative kind of man with a heart of gold (cheap cab rides!!) who ironically listened to urban music, even if he couldn't sing along for the life of him. Every time i got into his car, he was listening to kiss100 or easyfm. He said to me once in Kiswahili that he enjoyed MY kind of music. Maybe he didn't, maybe he just wanted to connect with me and lied to create some kind of common ground between us so that I wouldn't haggle so much over cab fare haha.

By the time I was approaching the cyber my mood was up 150%. I was 100 km away from sadness. And then!!! an aunt of mine walks past me (she saw me i didnt see her) and shrieks my home name. Again I take a little longer than usual to respond to this call. She's sweaty and beat... looks like she just walked from muthurwa to town at 120 steps per minute. She's happy to see me all the same and asks me to hang in there (in reference to my job) and then she's off. Shes a friend of my mom's. Not my real aunt.

Its rare happenings like these that make me think that the universe is trying to send me a message. Like, "you are not alone. See all these people who love you that I just spontaneously sent to bump into you?" or "You can quit your job and still be as happy as *Janice, or end up as hassled looking as your aunt". Dude, I don't know. at least Im not so gloomy anymore. Also, it could be because im reading a very intuitive book. And so my messages to the Universe are translated with immediate effect. So all this weird/unusual stuff (unusual to me) is happening.

I might not have enough time to write about what I really wanted to today cuz my lunch break is almost over now and im 30 minutes behind schedule in sending those fucking orders.. so let me try to be brief and non explanatory.

The three most important things in my life are My Career, My Love life and My health. (family and friends fall into love life). In my mind, they appear like three big Greek pillars and on top of these pillars is the world. Sorrounded by clouds and blue skies. The 'world' is me, i think. Anyway this is how they appear in my mind. Right now, none of these pillars is where I want them to be. I have ten minutes to the end of lunch break... mmmh where should i begin.

Motor cycle guy is just amazing. I even feel like deleting my previous blog because i read all his signs wrong. He is gentle and caring and sympathetic and motivated and into me and 'you have been the woman of my dreams since I met you three years a go' ish.
I think I am incapable of loving at this point. My heart and mind are pretty made up. They're just sitting there with their arms crossed across their chests waiting for me to freaking leave the guy already!!!. After I left baby, my ex whom I loved to the death of me, Im just thinking that i haven't had a stable relationship since then! And look, I just recently realized this. I have been knowing that everything is going great and i just hadn't met someone I want to settle down with yet. After Baby, there was Brit (former blogs). He was amaaaazing!!! the perfect escape from my toxic, chokingly consuming former relationship with baby. He was everything I wanted in a man. Frankly, everything that Baby wasn't and I wanted him to be. He took my breath away with how he spoke, how he touched me, how he &*$3^@ me, how he cooked... But then I couldn't stay.

And then there was this thing that until now i cant explain, with MG. The whole affair (lol) gave me writer's block for months and I couldn't write or blog.

Then there was *Alex. He was also a nice guy but too talkative and Sanguine for my liking. He was a great guy tho.

And now, Motor cycle. I was so into him at the beginning. I was even afraid I was falling in love. But now I am almost indifferent to him.And him, he's still treating me like a pearl he found in the ocean. So fuck me for being so ... choosy?stupid?unappreciative?stupid?stupid?stupid.

One thing we need to be clear on though is that I am NOT in love with Baby. I haven't been in over a year. I see him sometimes.We are casual friends and I just see him as my past. Despite all the pain he caused me, it was through him that I knew what I will never tolerate from a man. A standard that i carry like a badge of honor but now I'm starting to see as a limitation. *Sammie (samantha) says that my standards are too high. I refute that. I think they are just rare. I don't need a guy to be stinking rich or devilishly handsome or whatever romantic novel rhapsody you can thank of. But there is a certain few things that i think my man must have before i fully submit to him. And these are not things that i have consciously coined, but have over time developed in my psyche. Like a guy can have these Basic Qualities (like the basic needs in Maslow's hierarchy of needs), and I will fall for him foolishly. And he could be missing the other qualities that i look for in a man, and i am totally fine. Clear now? Like there are attributes which I like to call Basic Qualities that a guy has to have for me to fall for him. Some which I don't even know what to call in language...like swag, or these things that more visually than logically explainable. Anyway, mister motor cycle is lacking a few...
Im thinking that its cuz i hadn't gotten intimate with a man in sooooooo long that maybe i just needed a fix and so thats why my body was playing a trick on my heart making false beliefs that Motor guy is the shit. Making me believe the same. I'm disgusted by this trail of destruction I am leaving behind me...
I gatta run.
We shall continue this later... :) :) :) :)