STUPID GIRL

Yesterday I went for the march on uhuru highway that commemorated the life and death of Martin Njuma may he rest in peace.

By then, my feelings for Brit had gone on a plunging decline. I invited him to come for the walk with me...

Before he told me about how they (his family and he)were at a rocky financial place, i was fine with stuff such as handling the bill, using pubic transport together etc. After he told me this truth however, shit in my mind has just changed.

We were in the jav going to the venue on barichO road where the walk/march was going to begin and all i could think was, "When we get married we'll still be javing?"
And then he was wearing thos african beaded chains. I liked it...yeah, if I was 17. "Where is his golden man chain? ...?" i thought. I was goimg to introduce him to alot of high end people that day...
Yeah youre probably thinking im a total bitch, but you knw what, JUDGE ME. Had it been me reading this i would think the same.

So we got there. Met Bootyfull and her-triplet (i forget the name i gave her on my blog)
We all walked together. THere were some random side dramas happening at the event but they arent really relevant...
Her-triplet whispered in my ear, "i read your blog..."
I was glad she did so now i didint have to start explaining whats going on between me and brit. She told me she'd beat me if i left him over something like money.
I couldnt agree more.
Bootyfull on the other hand said that i cant force myself to be where i cant and if i want to leave, i should...
I tried to shove that advice aside.

The walk was refeshing. I wished i walked like that evryday. I need to change my lifestyle!

After that, we went up to the old K1 now called THE CLICK, and had a few drinks.
I was like, "arrrgh, i dont want to spend my money." a.k.a i dont want to handle the bill. What i had in my wallet was for the dentist appointment i was to have today (it was a horror by the way).
The thought of me doing that made me want to just leave.

But shock!!! He was handling the bill.

BUT...

It felt like my heart was already out the door :-(
I wasnt feelong him.
"shit purpledew, you'll never get a guylike this one!" I scolded myself.

But even as he reached in for a kiss, i hoped that it would be a quick kiss.

So I told him. That I wanted to leave him.
The excuse i used was so far fetched but he bought it.
I watched his heart break infront of me. He is so handsome :-(.
(note; i dint leave him, i just suggested it)...that sounds so stupid.

On the way home, we were quiet.
He walked me home, holding my hand while looking down. I still didn't
want to change my mind.

WE got to this tree that he likes to call my spot and looked me dead in the eye and said,
"If you leave me you'll shred life apart."
"Babe... I dont know..."i mumbled
He was choking his words by now.
"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me purpledew i told you that and i love you so much. I wioll maik you appy (his british accent had started to escalate)"

I felt TERRIBLE!!! AND I JUST WANTED TO CRY
I started to imagine myself in a reality show where brit and I were the stars and now everyone who was watching was jus thinkig how terrible I am. And then I saw myself on the show of "The Bachelor, The Men say it all" and the people in the audience were hurling insults at me. and then, i felt bad.. and i wept a little. and he, unsurprisingly hugged me.

We were now not almost separated.

This morniing he asked me if i would change my facebook relationship status when i became his GIRLFRIEND. I frowned at that last word.


STUCK.

STORMY PROPHESY

This year started really well for me... I went to coast with Brit and the rest of the crew (reffer to previous blog) and i got an internship in a huge MultiNational which so far I am enjoying to the nail.

However
:-)
...
BRIT...
Over the past few weeks I came to a startling revelation...sad and maybe too blunt, but true. This one rare prince charming of my life is... kind of low on the monetary department of our union. Okay... he's kind of broke (CRINGE!!!) I have been thinking all week of how to write that without sounding deragatory or mean or stingy.

Brit is so humble and funny and cares about the tiniest details of me which i had been itching all my life to find a man that does.

He opened up to me some time back about how things got this way for them. This hadnt always been his life. And it was clear from the fact that he attended one of the most highest fee priced highschools in the country. His personal tendancies are also a reflection of how 'things' used be in the past. A reflection which i thought was a reality and not the former. So anyways, he also reveled to me that things were not going to be that way for long and that he has big plans for me he says... but that could just be Wishful Thinking.
Look, Im NOT a gold digger. In fact, none of the guys I have dated have ever been eti ballers or even rich (considering BABY-the current Ex a.k.a love of my life). But after that toxic relationship, I was dtermined to have a brighter future. And I dont mean gifts FOR ME or anything to do with personal benefits; I wanted to do stuff that was fun and exciting and adventurous. Stuff that can only get anywhere in this day and age with PAPER;MULLAH;CHEDDAR...MANEH

Brit still hasnt lost his inner peace or loving nature OR funny stories or his way of loving a woman despite the fact that certain events led the abrupt change of his lifestyle. No matter how much shit comes his way, he's still the same; happy. And just watching that makes me fill up with so much love for him.

On the other hand though, its a complete turn off.
Yes, it is.
If i visualise myself reaching to pay for a bill one more time, im gonna have a panic attack.
and he gets so worked up when we are in such situations.
Me, I'm ironically calm then.
"Babe, its okay!... come on we're in this pamoja*" is what i say.
But in reality, its killing me too that sometimes I've had to 'handle' the bill.
Shit. It's so mentally disturbing.
Its how I am. I will offer to pay occassionally but only as a sign of 'I got you/thanks for handling it all the other times, allow me...ETCs'
A small part of me is still traditional,(yay! hence the name of my blog)but its a small part with a huge stakehold power over how my mind and emotions function together.

I dont know what to do...
I mean i cant leave him based on something so baseless (sorta)...

Then theres Married guy from work slowly but surely making the move on me. Its interesting waiting for his next move but im not intrested. nad theres single manager guy who last weekend was abit furnny with me in the club last weekend. THats just a by the way..

Should I just hang around and deprive myself of stuff i want to do cuz i cant afford it for the both of us two times in a row or whatever...??
And I even think I love him.(so twisted)
...

I dont think I can hang on too long so i just need something to make me stay

I recognise the butterflies

I couldnt do a second date with BFP... Cuppa, i tried to overlook all that stuff but i couldnt. So i have remained friends with him but broken off the whole deal.

Last Thursday I left the house ( for the pub) pretty late. By the time i got there some of my friends were 'happy!' lol.

Class time approached. I hate this class cuz it fucks up all my thirsty thursdays. I've missed so many of them so this thursday i had to attend it.
Class didnt suck so much so once i got out i was all pumped to do assignments and study etc. my plan was to go straight home. But, since my oh-so-cool-super-girl-crew was still at the pub i decided to go for a lap of honour.

I walked in. As i did, i glanceed to my right and saw ...(allow me to change his name because I didnt relaise he'd be a part of this blog before)Brit, and etc.
So heres the the thing with Brit.
I had the hugest crush on him since like four weeks ago. He was my first crush/like after Baby. I realised only later that he didnt go here (my uni) and only comes over to have a drink with his boys who do go here.

First time we met i was DRUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNK!!!!!! The alcohol gave me the courage to talk to him. Asked him to take a pic wiv me haha. He agreed. And then we started to talk. And i thought....nah... I didnt feel like we clicked. So i was like blegh. what a waste becasue HE IS SO HOTTT.
Second time we met, it hit me how drunk I was on the first time we met and was totally embarrased. Despite the fact that I was no longer into him, I still didn't want to look bad. Plus i couldnt remember A WORD we talked about on that first rendezvous; what if i talked shit. Maybe thats why he didnt turn up the next week, i thought. So a part of me wanted to redeem my alcohol influnced behaviour. We bumped into each other when he was with his boys and i was with male-super sanguine (who are also his friend) outside the pub. After he said hallo,(he hugged me tight) i looked at him for any reaction...nothing. It looked as if he was either shy or just trying to hint that he didnt want my stories that day.I decided that it had to be the latter. He wasn't even looking at me. Shit, so i must have blundered. oh shit. the whole night we sat on opposite ends of the bar with no exchange.

I let it go and thought, oh fuck it. Third time we met. Same place... This day after my class-the one that got me syked to do my assignments...and im walking into the pub. I was walking past his friends (hadnt seen him yet) beacuse i had said hi to them before. But then i saw him. And he didnt look away. Infact he was loooking-loooking. so i decided to say hi. I did. He hugged me tight again... you know, more than usuall. so I waited for him to get awkward. He didnt. He was asking me whre I'de been, if i'm here for a drink. and then he just went quiet after BigMan started talking to me. Okay so he's not really outgoing?
Anyway, i went to sit with my girls. They were SUPER HAPPY now!! Especially Sassy. Lover her when she's high. I take a seat.

Brit comes. Sits to my left me on the adjacent table where his/my boys sat. A half hour goes by and he doesnt walk up to me. OOOOkkkkay, i dont get him at this point cuz i keep catching him looking at me and laughing at my jokes. I remember i have mad asignments and decide to tell evryone bye. give urrbody a kiss on the cheek and when i got to him, i wave goodbye. As i start to turn he holds my arm and pulls me to him wooooo. Asks me why im going and if im going out. I say i have lots a work.

"you have a good time when you go out..." is what i heard him say. His Brit accent can be heard in the shadow of his Kenyan accent. So im never sure what he says. And I say
" Yeah i usually have a good time"
"Nah I mean tonoit. if you com out wiv os, you will av a goot one..."is how he spoke

so sexy.

we spoke for another hour or so. He is so cute up close. Was i that drunk that day? He gave me butterflies and everything. For some strange reason, as we spoke, that song for Black eyed peas;meet me half way kept playing in my head. i dont know why. he makes me feel of that song hihi.
HOmetime. I tell him ive got to go. Coincedentally, so does he. we walk out. Meet a couple of friends on the way out say hi etc etc. he ofers to walk me to where im meeting a couple of my friends who im going home with.

Hearts racing.
Hugging goodbye.
He leans in for a Kisssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kiss back.
He kisses me again...!!!
i kiss back
I dont remember what he says after.Maybe i dint hear... but I say, "Ask for my number next time we meet."
He says okay

He goes.
I LOL with my pal.
I walk off like ten yards. Turn back and his standing where we kissed with his/boys. I wave. he waves back.

Saturday..
We bump into each other at a club on the rave. he looks so dashing. Black rose tells me she noticed some hot guy in the club and realised it was him. Ma butterflies nini nini. he buys me a drink. we chat, dance... kiss kisss kissss... Bigman calls him. Thyre leaving. Aks for my number. i give it to him. He is soooo hot!

Sends a text at like 5am saying it was nice seeing me. i was so sleepy and tipsy i couldnt reply.

Next day, Sunday he sends a text
"Hey gorgeous... Av a good time Yesternyt? I did"
What the hell is YESTERNYT!!!! LOL. Hes such a brit. anyway, he asks me to go online. He is with Male-Super Sanguine. We chat for ages...

Lets see how this one will play out.

*baby called me yesterday. Told me that he was told i was on the rave. Sent a text after saying that he is still in love with me. Okay.
CIAO .
Mwah Mwah Mwah