For oloyal who are ganna read this, go head and toss in some microwave popcorn and pop open a coke cuz this is a gana be a block buster ride…!
Disclaimer: It has been over 4 months since Garry and I parted ways. I am still in love with him.
PART ONE
About a month ago, there was this huge rugby tournament in Adelaide, Australia. The Kenya sevens team was going to be taking part and so of course the entire Kenyan diaspora in Australia would be attending.
Remember one of my best friends who I named *Daisy on here? She studies in Adelaide. And as you all well know, Garry’s in Melbourne.So… a week before the rugby tournament, Garry and me have a HUGE fight and he says he never wants to speak to me ever again. “We are cutting all modes of communication Purple!” he retorted into my ears over and over. (ref to former blog)
During the rugby tournament, Daisy sends me a text on ‘whatsapp’ (as will be our main mode of communication for the rest of this story) telling me that she just spotted G in Adelaide at the rugby after party and he was wearing the t-shirt I bought him. Garry had just gotten them into the club for free and he looked good. Et cetera … so I ask, “is he with another girl, who is he with, has he talked about me?”… this went on for… a while. I'm excited she tells me all this! And then she was back to partying.
I didn’t talk to her again that whole weekend cuz I was losing my mind thinking about Garry and I didn’t want to hear what he was up to just yet. Finally I think what was a week or so later I texted her… How was it, How was G, did he speak of me? And her response was vague and somewhat evasive. She probably thought that her response was normal but I pick up these things from people who are close to me. How we talk, has always been very detailed and lucid, and given that I was asking about the so called love of my life no-man-has-ever-had this-impact-on-me person, her formless words raised a warning sign pretty much instantly. After a few more attempts she did mention that when she brought up my name on the table (they sat together at the club) he stood up and walked off. Oooooo-ooo.
A couple of days later, after everyone was back in their respective cities, she tells me that Yes indeed, he did mention my name. He pulled her aside from the crowd and started to tell her why me and him broke up. That he wanted her to hear his side of the story. That he genuinely liked me and he meant everything he said to me, and that I am a good girlfriend and know how to treat a man, but the long distance and the realization that this was heading to a serious relationship scared him half to death and he just couldn’t go ahead with what we had planned together.
Question: what role did she have in Garry’s life that was so important that he had to defend himself to her?
She said to me, girl he really likes you. But I think G is the kind of man that you have to wait for to grow up because he is immature. You should date him when he is like 26 cuz he was oogling over chick’s asses like he was 13. I was so irritated.
Question: He is a free man, I am nat he’s woman no more and I know I gat my own fine behind so I’m nat insecure there thank the Lord ( and ma mama)…but why on earth though do you give a damn what he’s oogling over? Why were you irritated? Mmh…
A couple weeks later I am sitting at my office cubicle bored out of my mind and I start to entertain my suspicions about Daisy. I write a song, about it. And I love it. I show it to Ronnie (6ft dark chocolate candy mayn ladies I can hook ya’ll up) and he thinks it’s awesome. He says “maybe you should ask this girl you’re talking about if she’s creeping with Garry” (so he knows the whole G story but nat about Daisy et cetera) And I say “she’ll think I’m crazy I don’t have any basis for such a question” and he says as a matter of factly, “Yeah you do. Look at what you just wrote”
I took out my phone two days later, and asked her…
“Babe I need you to be real honest with me. Is Garry hitting on you?”
She took thirty minutes to respond.
“Honestly, babe, I think he is.
But I’m not sure… he wouldn’t leave my side during Adeleide sevens (the rugby tournament – and this is like two weeks later). He was always where I was, saying stuff like he doesn’t want niggaz to hit on me /disturb me, at first I thought it was because I was hanging out with his baby cousin’s friend!”
I say, “Its okay. I knew. I just wanted to hear it from you”
She responds, “OH mY GOD HE TOLD YOU?????????!”
And I’m taken a back by her surprise and say, “No, I just felt it…”
I walk to the ladies bathroom and lock the door behind me and break down. Last time I cried like that was when Garry told me that we should break up. Thirty minutes later I go back to my desk.
I ask her if she feels him, if she is attracted to him because let’s face it, Garry is fucking attractive… and she says alarmingly, “OMG no way! Purple I would never ever go there! I know what the two of you shared. He’s so immature and he smokes I don’t even like that.”
This back and forth goes on for a while and eventually I am settled knowing that she is not in the least bit interested in him.
One week later, it’s heading to Easter Holiday. Daisy is heading to Melbourne with a bunch of her friends from Sidney. I wonder if she is going to Melbourne because of Garry and think I’m overreacting. Daisy is too mature for this kind of shit. She wouldn’t do that to me. She was there for me every day when he broke my heart. That week on Thursday night, day before easter, Im out with Black Rose at Bachus drinking wine. We wanted to catch up… I’m a light weight and the wine was sweet. I didn’t realize how quick it was getting to my head. Ronnie says he’s leaving and confirms if I’m okay to go home on my own and I say “yeah of course! Thanks for everything Love.” And he’s off. Something was odd about him that evening. Black rose and I catch up…we are both drunk. The conversations get emotional…I tell her of my suspicions of Daisy and Garry. She is grounded on the fact that Daisy and I go way back and I have nothing to worry about.
At the peak of my drunken stupor, I text Garry. A first communication attempt since he lost his temper with me. “She’s my best friend G. For fuck’s sake, get with someone else”… I hit send.
I show the message to Black rose. She laughs at my spelling errors and retypes it and sends it again.
We move to another club. And then another club... I meet a bunch of other friends – my neighbours. Black Rose heads home I spot *Andrew. He looks so fly that night. He’s a huge Spartan of a man with bouldering shoulders and beastly arms perfect to lift my hips… I reapply my red lipstick and half catwalk half stagger towards him. He’s pleasantly surprised to see me. We chit-chat. God knows I can’t speak straight. He gives me his business card. “Call me sometime…” I kiss the white card stamping it with my red lipstick and ask the bar tender for a pen and write my number on the back and give it back to him… He pulls me into his arms and bursts out laughing, his entire frame shaking from laughter causing my breasts to shift with this ramble. I laugh at this. I guess he thinks I’m laughing with him… He takes the card, and says slipping it into his wallet, “Dew (he calls me by my second name), you’ve really grown up I see.” Andrew’s a friend of my cousin’s husband. We met years before when I was just 19 or 20. I was dating Baby at the time.
I get home. Take out my phone out before bed and see “1 new Message…Read?”I know in my heart of hearts that it is Garry… I open the message.
“Hi Purple. Lets talk. Stuff can really be misconstrued via text. Let me know when I can call you.”
I read the message over and over and over looking for any hint of emotion. Maybe he wants me back. Maybe we can be together now. Maybe I can go to Australia in June like he promised! Maybe I can start art classes in Melbourne and get my own place because I surely don’t want to create a strain in our relationship by living with him! A man needs his space. I read it one last time. I had no idea what the hell misconstrued meant. So I dash to my brother room to get the dictionary. He sleeps like a drunk sailor and can’t hear me knock. Fuck. It hits me like a light bulb! My damn phone has a dictionary.
Misconstrue : to misunderstand, to interpret wrongly.
I blush at my man’s intelligence.
“You can call me now.” I reply. Its 3 am in the morning, I’m drunk, but that would mean that it is 11am in Australia and that’s a good time to have a chat ain it…? He calls…before I pick, I look at his name on my phone screen and savor the moment. I had waited so long for the day I would see his number on my phone again. “Hi!!!!!!” I screamed. He laughed and said hi back.
We talked about all sorts of things. Actually I talked and he did most of the listening. I apologized for my rumbling, he said “no, no you know I like it when you talk…” we didn’t mention the whole thing with him and Daisy until I brought it up probably 10 minutes later. He hesitated. I panicked and realized that being the man that he was, he was about to get frank with me and I couldn’t bear to hear him talk about how she blows him away or anything of the sort. So I said, “No wait, Garry. I know you can be brutally honest, so I’m sorry for making you call me but, I don’t think I wanna hear it anymore.” And then there was silence and he said, “Look, let me at least tell you this, I don’t feel her and I am not at this moment in time hitting on Daisy.”
I went to bed happy that night. More so because I heard his voice again, and I heard him laugh, and heard him say my name. I wondered why he wouldn’t love me and gave up on the stupid fantasy the minute it crept into my conscience.
The next day, he called again. I was on my way out of the house to watch a play and was still at the mirror fixing my make-up. He was at some house party and was talking a little too much than usual. Asking me shit. The last time Garry cared what I was up to was when he was my boyfriend. “Baby are you drunk?” I asked half laughing. “yeah, yeah you can tell?” he asked. “Definitely… are you with Daisy?” I asked plainly. He responded too quick “Yeah she’s here at the party. She just got to Melbourne.” My heart skipped a beat and he changed the topic “text me on my birthday okay” … I didn’t want to. His birthday would be four days away and I didn’t want to go along my week looking forward to talking to him. Because I would start to love him again. I tried to explain this to him cz men just dont get such shit. And he said “Okay then I will call you.”
That whole week, I wasn’t at peace. Andrew and I chatted on phone endlessly. He was a busy man but loved his drink and despised chicks with drama and hoped to quit smoking some day. He liked my forwardness and blunt remarks.
A day after Garry’s birthday, I sent Daisy a message. I asked her if he was still hitting on her. She said that he was still treating them like a gentleman but no, he definitely was not hitting on her anymore.Another strained megs, i thot.
That weekend I met up with Andrew. At the club his white t-shirt molded his torso beautifully. True to his physique, his arms were strong and he lifted me in the elevator as we made out like post teen randys. He walked me to the car and kissed me. “Are you sure you don’t want me take you home?” I looked over at his sexy Audi and then to my gurl who had blacked out drunk in the front seat and said, “Not tonight…” “when can I see you again?” he was towering over me now… I slipped into the car when I felt his hardness on my pelvis, “I’ll call you handsome.”
The following week I tried telling Daisy about him. How I was completely lust over him and couldn’t wait to finally be with a man after 4 months since Garry and that I was worried that he might have a streak of bad-boy in him that I must avoid and so maybe I should call the whole thing off... but as had been Daisy of late, her response was empty and awkward. “awww im happy for you” she said. I hated that the whole Garry hitting on her thing had created a rift between us. I asked her how she was enjoying Melboune and how Garry was. She said he’s fine and that they had all been hanging out together her crew and his. I asked how his birthday went as it was a few days after his birthday… she said it was simple, that his friend bought him cake and that they (they being G and his friends) had been partying all week. “its demonic here!” and I responded “Celebrate your graduation babe to the fullest. Tear it down.”
( ( part two in next blog ) )
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
IN MY HEART
He phoned to tell me that he would be landing in three days. He would be staying at his aunt’s, a relative he trusted that wouldn’t blow his cover that he was in the country before school break. He said he couldn’t wait to see me.
Three days later at twilight, his white Mitsubishi pulled up into my parking lot. When the door bell rang my heart fumbled to get its beat together! I could already smell him… I opened the door and there was my man. All 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo in a white sweater of him. “G!” I screamed leaping into his arms where I was received gracefully. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for everything. I was unresponsive, but only because so many beautiful feelings were overwhelming me! He hunched his shoulders to cup my face with his palms and said it again looking for answers in my eyes “Purple, forgive me?”
“yes yes yes G…”
We went to Masai Mara and then to Mombasa. He told me to leave the man I was currently seeing and be with him. I sent a text on the spot to the guy and told him bluntly that we were not working out and that I wished him happiness. We made love all the time. I had forgotten how strong he was inside me. I loved him.
When we got back to Nairobi, ten days had passed. We were at a party of his friend’s and he was showing me off with a huge grin on his bold African face. I never felt so complete.I stood over the balcony watching the crowd below me dancing and drinking the night away. When I turned around, Garry was standing there. Watching me. No expression on his face. I smiled at him expecting him to break out of his trance and walk towards me and kiss me or something of the sort, but he just stood there looking at me over his strong chin – holding his drink. Finally he walked to me and I was relieved. Then he placed his palm on my chest as softly as a feather would land on the ground and suddenly I felt a wave of emotional pain burst inside me! He was looking at me dead in the eye and then in one swift motion, he pushed me off the balcony.
My mouth was still agape as I watched Garry recede further and further from me in my descent. He watched me fall from the balcony, his drink still in his hand. My eyes filled with tears and confusion and hurt. And then I landed on the floor. I wasn’t hurt. I stood up still crying, burying my hands into my palms in shame. When I looked up, Garry was running to the edge of the staircase frantic as if someone else had pushed me and he had tuned into a nutcase trying to get to me to see if I was okay.
“But you told me You Loved Me!!!” I screamed at him
“I said I was sorry Purple!” he retorted and threw his hand in the air as a sign of frustration.
I thought for a moment “maybe he’s sorry…No, but he was looking at me as me as I fell with no remorse.” And with that, I walked away. I saw him walk away too, back into the crowd. I got into the car and cried for ages before finally leaving.
I woke up suddenly. I was crying. I touched my face and felt that my cheeks were moist and burning from the tears. My heart was paining – you know, I was hurting. I couldn’t remember what had just happened or what I had just dreamt. I don’t normally have dreams that I wake up out of so I was quite confused. What was going on? My alarm clock suddenly startled me causing me to break from thought. Was it morning already! I slumped back onto my pillow trying to remember what I dreamt about. I gave up after about ten minutes and went to the shower.
On my way to work, everything come flooding back to me like a time warp in fast forward! I remembered his white sweater, this kiss at the door when I first saw him, making out at the beach; loose memories form the Mara, and then, the ‘murder’. I’m telling you, it hit me like a brick on the head. I even had to put my hand over my mouth to cover my shock. He looked so clear in my dreams! I could see his entire face…:-(.
My eyes got teary and a felt sadness and self pity. But I didn’t cry. People in traffic would think I was some crazy chick.
At work, I googled dream interpretations: Falling dreams, dreams where you’re ‘killed’ but don’t die. There were all these interpretations that even I would have come up with on my own.They didnt really give me the explanations I needed. At last, I texted G. We hadn’t talked in two weeks. I told him about the dream trying my best to attach as much emotion as I could to the words. Three hours later, he responded “You know I would never push you baby.” As usual. Short, non-explanatory, evasive texts. I got mad at him but mostly at me for even bothering. I had been doing well trying to move on.
Two weeks later, he called me. We had been in communication on and off mostly on facebook. I picked up the phone half nervous half excited that he rung. What I thought was going to be a sweet mellow covering up what we feel for each other conversation tuned into the worst I ever had with a man in my life. He was FURIOUS!
I had sent him a text two days before which he had not replied to – so in a weak moment I wrote to him “G, why do you take so long to respond…? If u r going to be giving me your full attention and then suddenly going A wall, should we be talking at all? Look, I have a man so I’m not tryna get with you. You know how it is with us. Xoxo” Of course I don’t have a man, first off, but there have been rumors that got to him in Melbourne that I had been seen with some guy and when he asked me about it, I brushed it off like I didn’t want to talk abt it. Having him believe that I was with someone gave me some of the power that I had lost when I fell so blindly for him.
He was talking loudly over phone – not necessarily shouting. He was saying how angry I make him sometimes, how I should realize that there is a time difference between Ke and Aus and so when he takes long to reply to a message I should ‘‘Learn’’ patience. “You don’t even know what I was doing Purple or why I didn’t reply on time. And why the hell would you tell me you have a man! So you’re dating that guy???! All the best in your new found happiness!!”
I have never been spoken to like this by man. So let me just say I was dumbfounded. I tried to stand up for myself but suddenly he said “No Purple. Listen. I don’t. want. To. Ever. Talk. To you again.”
I had already settled myself in the car from my desk so that my colleagues wouldn’t see us fight and when I heard those words from the cell, the only thing I could say was “I’m sorry” “there’s no need to be sorry. It won’t make any sense to since we are cutting all communication channels as of now.”
This man, all 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo of a man had already broken my heart before. You have read it in my other blogs. And so as I sat there in the car waiting for the pain, sorrow and anguish that I expected would follow such harsh remarks, I was … shall I say, pleased, that I felt nothing. It was as if instead of the words flying into my heart through my sweater into my chest and nesting a home there, they flew right past and disintegrated in the air like gun powder from a fired pistol. I did try and plead with him to calm down for I didn’t know that he had such a temper but he found all my efforts pointless since ‘’we were cutting all communication” shortly. And I even cried after the phone call ended but I cried out all of the Garry that was left in me. I went back to my desk and worked in my 8-5 like nothing had happened. I even saw a naked man that day! Really. Even the universe was trying to cheer me up.
All of last weekend, at Adelaide sevens in Australia, Daisy was with Garry. If you remember, Daisy is one of my best friends who is studying in that retarded country (no offence down unders) she told me that he was wearing one of the t-shirts I bought him and that he looked great but didn’t mention my name once. Even when she started to talk about me on the table, he stood up and walked away. And she even said that she suspects that he had his eye on her, that he could have been hitting on her, but she’s not sure. She’s met someone who she is smitten over.
It hurt me a whole lot that he would hit on my bf… anyways, Im here, and I might not be happy with my job, my dreams being so far, and with my roller coaster love life, but I am secure.
Peace & Love
Purple.
Three days later at twilight, his white Mitsubishi pulled up into my parking lot. When the door bell rang my heart fumbled to get its beat together! I could already smell him… I opened the door and there was my man. All 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo in a white sweater of him. “G!” I screamed leaping into his arms where I was received gracefully. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for everything. I was unresponsive, but only because so many beautiful feelings were overwhelming me! He hunched his shoulders to cup my face with his palms and said it again looking for answers in my eyes “Purple, forgive me?”
“yes yes yes G…”
We went to Masai Mara and then to Mombasa. He told me to leave the man I was currently seeing and be with him. I sent a text on the spot to the guy and told him bluntly that we were not working out and that I wished him happiness. We made love all the time. I had forgotten how strong he was inside me. I loved him.
When we got back to Nairobi, ten days had passed. We were at a party of his friend’s and he was showing me off with a huge grin on his bold African face. I never felt so complete.I stood over the balcony watching the crowd below me dancing and drinking the night away. When I turned around, Garry was standing there. Watching me. No expression on his face. I smiled at him expecting him to break out of his trance and walk towards me and kiss me or something of the sort, but he just stood there looking at me over his strong chin – holding his drink. Finally he walked to me and I was relieved. Then he placed his palm on my chest as softly as a feather would land on the ground and suddenly I felt a wave of emotional pain burst inside me! He was looking at me dead in the eye and then in one swift motion, he pushed me off the balcony.
My mouth was still agape as I watched Garry recede further and further from me in my descent. He watched me fall from the balcony, his drink still in his hand. My eyes filled with tears and confusion and hurt. And then I landed on the floor. I wasn’t hurt. I stood up still crying, burying my hands into my palms in shame. When I looked up, Garry was running to the edge of the staircase frantic as if someone else had pushed me and he had tuned into a nutcase trying to get to me to see if I was okay.
“But you told me You Loved Me!!!” I screamed at him
“I said I was sorry Purple!” he retorted and threw his hand in the air as a sign of frustration.
I thought for a moment “maybe he’s sorry…No, but he was looking at me as me as I fell with no remorse.” And with that, I walked away. I saw him walk away too, back into the crowd. I got into the car and cried for ages before finally leaving.
I woke up suddenly. I was crying. I touched my face and felt that my cheeks were moist and burning from the tears. My heart was paining – you know, I was hurting. I couldn’t remember what had just happened or what I had just dreamt. I don’t normally have dreams that I wake up out of so I was quite confused. What was going on? My alarm clock suddenly startled me causing me to break from thought. Was it morning already! I slumped back onto my pillow trying to remember what I dreamt about. I gave up after about ten minutes and went to the shower.
On my way to work, everything come flooding back to me like a time warp in fast forward! I remembered his white sweater, this kiss at the door when I first saw him, making out at the beach; loose memories form the Mara, and then, the ‘murder’. I’m telling you, it hit me like a brick on the head. I even had to put my hand over my mouth to cover my shock. He looked so clear in my dreams! I could see his entire face…:-(.
My eyes got teary and a felt sadness and self pity. But I didn’t cry. People in traffic would think I was some crazy chick.
At work, I googled dream interpretations: Falling dreams, dreams where you’re ‘killed’ but don’t die. There were all these interpretations that even I would have come up with on my own.They didnt really give me the explanations I needed. At last, I texted G. We hadn’t talked in two weeks. I told him about the dream trying my best to attach as much emotion as I could to the words. Three hours later, he responded “You know I would never push you baby.” As usual. Short, non-explanatory, evasive texts. I got mad at him but mostly at me for even bothering. I had been doing well trying to move on.
Two weeks later, he called me. We had been in communication on and off mostly on facebook. I picked up the phone half nervous half excited that he rung. What I thought was going to be a sweet mellow covering up what we feel for each other conversation tuned into the worst I ever had with a man in my life. He was FURIOUS!
I had sent him a text two days before which he had not replied to – so in a weak moment I wrote to him “G, why do you take so long to respond…? If u r going to be giving me your full attention and then suddenly going A wall, should we be talking at all? Look, I have a man so I’m not tryna get with you. You know how it is with us. Xoxo” Of course I don’t have a man, first off, but there have been rumors that got to him in Melbourne that I had been seen with some guy and when he asked me about it, I brushed it off like I didn’t want to talk abt it. Having him believe that I was with someone gave me some of the power that I had lost when I fell so blindly for him.
He was talking loudly over phone – not necessarily shouting. He was saying how angry I make him sometimes, how I should realize that there is a time difference between Ke and Aus and so when he takes long to reply to a message I should ‘‘Learn’’ patience. “You don’t even know what I was doing Purple or why I didn’t reply on time. And why the hell would you tell me you have a man! So you’re dating that guy???! All the best in your new found happiness!!”
I have never been spoken to like this by man. So let me just say I was dumbfounded. I tried to stand up for myself but suddenly he said “No Purple. Listen. I don’t. want. To. Ever. Talk. To you again.”
I had already settled myself in the car from my desk so that my colleagues wouldn’t see us fight and when I heard those words from the cell, the only thing I could say was “I’m sorry” “there’s no need to be sorry. It won’t make any sense to since we are cutting all communication channels as of now.”
This man, all 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo of a man had already broken my heart before. You have read it in my other blogs. And so as I sat there in the car waiting for the pain, sorrow and anguish that I expected would follow such harsh remarks, I was … shall I say, pleased, that I felt nothing. It was as if instead of the words flying into my heart through my sweater into my chest and nesting a home there, they flew right past and disintegrated in the air like gun powder from a fired pistol. I did try and plead with him to calm down for I didn’t know that he had such a temper but he found all my efforts pointless since ‘’we were cutting all communication” shortly. And I even cried after the phone call ended but I cried out all of the Garry that was left in me. I went back to my desk and worked in my 8-5 like nothing had happened. I even saw a naked man that day! Really. Even the universe was trying to cheer me up.
All of last weekend, at Adelaide sevens in Australia, Daisy was with Garry. If you remember, Daisy is one of my best friends who is studying in that retarded country (no offence down unders) she told me that he was wearing one of the t-shirts I bought him and that he looked great but didn’t mention my name once. Even when she started to talk about me on the table, he stood up and walked away. And she even said that she suspects that he had his eye on her, that he could have been hitting on her, but she’s not sure. She’s met someone who she is smitten over.
It hurt me a whole lot that he would hit on my bf… anyways, Im here, and I might not be happy with my job, my dreams being so far, and with my roller coaster love life, but I am secure.
Peace & Love
Purple.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
M.O.S.K
When I broke up with *Baby over a year ago, the idea of getting a calmer, taller, bigger, more together, more fascinated by me and in love with me man got me past my Baby-withdrawal moments. Also I just needed a break. I had lost three years of my life swimming in his toxicity (as I have so often described that relationship) and all I wanted then was to break free and be alone. No man, No due responsibilities and no commitments. No running out of money or out of my mind tryna keep us together… Just me, myself and I. (That song is still one of my favorite Beyonce singles) Bottom line, I wanted a better me, and a better man
When Garry came into my life…
Can I just take a moment here…
When Garry strolled into my life…in his black jacket and unapologetic swag… (Looking for the words)…
You know how when we were kids there was always a mapera tree in our estates. And every day at some point, we would go and climb the tree and see who can get the biggest reddest orangest mapera? Usually the ones that only birds would peck on and leave half eaten exposing the inner scarlet of the fruit for those of us on worm’s eye view to lust over? Do you remember how, the maperas we would get would be white inside and if you were lucky or brave enough to defy gravity you would get at least a pale pink looking one that you would only share with your best friend? Do ya’ll remember those days? Well that’s a peek into my childhood. *smile* And then, one day, you make friends with the boy who can run the fastest, bat the hardest and jump the furthest (do I hear three sticks lol) but cant climb the mapera tree to save his life because his mother told him if she ever found him on that tree or even heard that he was playing next to that tree that she would woop his sorry ass and take away his going-out-to-play rights. And you tell this kid, look, I know you can climb the highest with no fear…how’s about we get those three maperas over there (look up) and we split them 2:1. You can take two. He’s excited, all sparkly eyed and shit. And you say to yourself “Yes!” But then he says “What about my mom?” “No one’s gana tell!” “What about the ants on the top branches?”
“Okay, if you do this, I’ll let you kiss me”
Done.
He climbs, everyone’s watching, jaws dropped pin drop silence. He squeals! The ants are attacking him. “Just a couple more branches!” and eureka! He grabs the cluster of fruits and tucks them in both of his side pockets.
That afternoon, you wash the mapera and sit on the pavement with your friends in awe around you. In your hand is the neighborhood’s most priced possession. Your most priced possession. There’s no better looking mapera on the tree. You’ve never held such a huge mapera in your hand. You roll it in your palm taking in all the details of its skin. You remember all the other maperas you’d eaten before thinking about the day that you will get the mapera at the top of the tree. So big and tough those maperas.
And then you eat it; and for the first time, you know how a ripe mapera actually tastes like.
See, Garry is that mapera. As I was dating all these guys I have dated, I have known in my heart what I really wanted. That big mapera at the top of the tree. When a woman gets out or is trying to get out of a relationship, what gives her that will to leave is the idea of a better version of her current retarded boyfriend. If he doesn’t call her, doesn’t say nice things, cheats on her, she says to herself “I need a man who calls on time, treats me good and is faithful to me.” That’s what propels her into moving on! That’s what I call the moving on survival kit - MOSK
I wanted a sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent man. Doesn’t talk too much (leave that to me), can handle stressful situations well (I’ll leave that to you), taller than me , large, keeps fit, preferably dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record kinda guy. To me, TO mE, TO ME, Garry had all these qualities. And even more. He was that mapera at the top of the tree.
And now that we are done, I am having a hard time letting him go because I don’t have a MOSK.
What can I use as a MOSK?
I know that Garry probably doesn’t think he’s as great as I paint him out to be. And that I am lost in my own world falling in love with him like this, but you know what, I see him like that. He might not; ya’ll might not, but to me, from the most sincere part of my heart, Garry’s perfect. But who gives a fuck. Shrugging my shoulders.
I met this guy… he’s sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent doesn’t talk too much (leaves that to me), can handle stressful situations well , taller than me , large, keeps fit, dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record. In this dainty heart of mine, feelings for him are growing…and it’s not tears watering these flowery feelings, but pecks on the cheek, good morning texts, jokes on my Whats App chat, compliments about my body… *blush
But he’s not like Garry…He’s a bit too romantic, too worried about how I’ll get home, if I got home, if I was fine getting home. Plus he’s gat baggage. Which shouldn’t be a problem, but… Garry had this ‘I’m the MAN” aura around him, that made me fall for him stupid- *blush *blush… This guy doesn’t have that.
Garry told me the other day “on the real, I think you need to let me go of me completely”. See that that last word there, completely? Sigh… He is done with me. Shrugging my shoulders
It’s been too damn long I’m still into this guy and I just want to move the hell on. I have been putting a front for my friends that I am okay, but I’m not. I’m begging God, The Universe, the genie in Aladdin, please, let me move on.
Maybe next week, or next month I won’t love you, like you don’t love me.
Peace & Love…
Purple.
When Garry came into my life…
Can I just take a moment here…
When Garry strolled into my life…in his black jacket and unapologetic swag… (Looking for the words)…
You know how when we were kids there was always a mapera tree in our estates. And every day at some point, we would go and climb the tree and see who can get the biggest reddest orangest mapera? Usually the ones that only birds would peck on and leave half eaten exposing the inner scarlet of the fruit for those of us on worm’s eye view to lust over? Do you remember how, the maperas we would get would be white inside and if you were lucky or brave enough to defy gravity you would get at least a pale pink looking one that you would only share with your best friend? Do ya’ll remember those days? Well that’s a peek into my childhood. *smile* And then, one day, you make friends with the boy who can run the fastest, bat the hardest and jump the furthest (do I hear three sticks lol) but cant climb the mapera tree to save his life because his mother told him if she ever found him on that tree or even heard that he was playing next to that tree that she would woop his sorry ass and take away his going-out-to-play rights. And you tell this kid, look, I know you can climb the highest with no fear…how’s about we get those three maperas over there (look up) and we split them 2:1. You can take two. He’s excited, all sparkly eyed and shit. And you say to yourself “Yes!” But then he says “What about my mom?” “No one’s gana tell!” “What about the ants on the top branches?”
“Okay, if you do this, I’ll let you kiss me”
Done.
He climbs, everyone’s watching, jaws dropped pin drop silence. He squeals! The ants are attacking him. “Just a couple more branches!” and eureka! He grabs the cluster of fruits and tucks them in both of his side pockets.
That afternoon, you wash the mapera and sit on the pavement with your friends in awe around you. In your hand is the neighborhood’s most priced possession. Your most priced possession. There’s no better looking mapera on the tree. You’ve never held such a huge mapera in your hand. You roll it in your palm taking in all the details of its skin. You remember all the other maperas you’d eaten before thinking about the day that you will get the mapera at the top of the tree. So big and tough those maperas.
And then you eat it; and for the first time, you know how a ripe mapera actually tastes like.
See, Garry is that mapera. As I was dating all these guys I have dated, I have known in my heart what I really wanted. That big mapera at the top of the tree. When a woman gets out or is trying to get out of a relationship, what gives her that will to leave is the idea of a better version of her current retarded boyfriend. If he doesn’t call her, doesn’t say nice things, cheats on her, she says to herself “I need a man who calls on time, treats me good and is faithful to me.” That’s what propels her into moving on! That’s what I call the moving on survival kit - MOSK
I wanted a sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent man. Doesn’t talk too much (leave that to me), can handle stressful situations well (I’ll leave that to you), taller than me , large, keeps fit, preferably dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record kinda guy. To me, TO mE, TO ME, Garry had all these qualities. And even more. He was that mapera at the top of the tree.
And now that we are done, I am having a hard time letting him go because I don’t have a MOSK.
What can I use as a MOSK?
I know that Garry probably doesn’t think he’s as great as I paint him out to be. And that I am lost in my own world falling in love with him like this, but you know what, I see him like that. He might not; ya’ll might not, but to me, from the most sincere part of my heart, Garry’s perfect. But who gives a fuck. Shrugging my shoulders.
I met this guy… he’s sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent doesn’t talk too much (leaves that to me), can handle stressful situations well , taller than me , large, keeps fit, dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record. In this dainty heart of mine, feelings for him are growing…and it’s not tears watering these flowery feelings, but pecks on the cheek, good morning texts, jokes on my Whats App chat, compliments about my body… *blush
But he’s not like Garry…He’s a bit too romantic, too worried about how I’ll get home, if I got home, if I was fine getting home. Plus he’s gat baggage. Which shouldn’t be a problem, but… Garry had this ‘I’m the MAN” aura around him, that made me fall for him stupid- *blush *blush… This guy doesn’t have that.
Garry told me the other day “on the real, I think you need to let me go of me completely”. See that that last word there, completely? Sigh… He is done with me. Shrugging my shoulders
It’s been too damn long I’m still into this guy and I just want to move the hell on. I have been putting a front for my friends that I am okay, but I’m not. I’m begging God, The Universe, the genie in Aladdin, please, let me move on.
Maybe next week, or next month I won’t love you, like you don’t love me.
Peace & Love…
Purple.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
UNTITLED.
There are three things in my life that are important to me: My career, My Love life (friends, family included) and My health. I see them in my mind like three strong Greek pillars upon which ‘my world’ and sometimes a peaceful, meditating animation of myself sits.
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
PATTERN
I normally write when I have 100% inspiration...i.e when I get this intuitive nudge from within that pushes me to a keyboard. But today I have only 60% inspiration, so to speak, so I just hope that what I wanna say comes out clear...
You know what's funny with me is that when I get visions of my future; I don’t see the little kids running around the backyard like many women do. Yet I am the biggest romantic I know (well after *Kendra-high school friend. She’s on a whole other level). I see a nice house, sometimes three houses (all belonging to me), I see my nice interior living room, I see the trained dog & cat, and I see my man; Loving me ever so exclusively in his big dark frame and big ol’ bright heart. It’s not that I don’t want any kids, I didn’t say that. But neither did I say that I do… Oh and I tell ya, that’s music to my mom’s ears. She simply cannot bear the fact of having to deal with the social rejection of her first born daughter having a child out of wedlock…! When I was in high school she would say, “You should focus on your KCSE, not on boys”. In Uni she would say, “You need to focus on your career and make your own money. Those things (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) should matter after.”
Now that I have graduated and I am working she says “Not now. Think about your masters… You must be independent…”
My mother has always had a strong part in my decision making. She’s strong, determined, beautiful…and I mean this; people always say their mom’s are hot, my mom is hot. She’s funny (gat this one from her), conservative, sensitive, nagging, inquisitive & wholesome. We do not always meet eye to eye, in fact we hardly do (my dad says it’s because we are just alike-errr no we’re not r u fucking kidding me), but her voice, that voice that makes my brow plunge into an expressive thought, rings in my head whenever I am caught up in something. Like when I wanted to go outside and play on a weekday in class 7 and I knew I should have been studying, that voice came “Remember that you are now a pre-candidate …”. Or when I was in the shower hurriedly scrubbing trying not to miss the next episode of ‘Melrose Place’ on KTN, it would quiver in my psyche “Always wash behind your ears! You don’t want someone to come close to you and see your skin looking like a plate with oil that doesn’t get clean”.
Anyways, that’s just a by-the-way.
I believe that I will see the kids running around, once I have a good man. That, you see is the prerequisite to that vision. I do instead see something else … I see two girls …grown up, past their years of youthful revelry and indulgence. My two girls are beautiful and tall and they are reading the story of my life from my words…from a diary that I kept (or a blog-who knows). They’re reading about the years of my youth, my failures and successes, my heartbreaks and my journey to finding true love (their dad) because to me, love is what I live for.
Garry and I ended things a couple of weeks ago. Sigh…
It wasn’t working. I was asleep when he was awake, I was awake when he was asleep… working hours were cramped, I turned into a nag when he didn’t respond to a text, he pulled back when I wasn’t sentimental, I became non-empathetic, he became indifferent and then in a hurricane of pain and confusion I told him that we needed to end it. He couldn’t agree more.
And that was it.
I cried everyday for a week after that. I broke down in bed, I broke down in the shower-every time, I broke down in a matatu once, I was just a mess. When I went to Nanyuki for work, I remember this one morning and I just feel sorry for myself. I had to get up by 5am to prepare presentations for my boss that day…I had slept late listening to D’angelo because at the time music was the only thing that could get me past the tears. When my alarm went off at 5, I was groggy and sleep deprived… I remember feeling like my eyelids were bound together because my eyes couldn’t open…I had cried so much that I was completely swollen and puffed around my eyes. And then Garry’s memory, out of default, seeped into my conscience. Always the first thought in my head when I woke up…I switched off the alarm and lifted my body up. My chest felt like dead weight. And then suddenly I felt this burning piercing pain at the pit of my stomach. It was so painful and shockingly overwhelming that I made a screaming sound when it attacked me. And then finally my eyes opened only to allow tears to free from where they were now in constant release. My body went automatically into a curling position…I tried to press my stomach with my finger tips to locate the pain. What the hell was going on…?! I didn’t realize that it had already been thirty minutes when my colleague rung my hotel room phone. He was calling to ask if I was dressed and ready since we needed to be downstairs in the next fifteen. He asked if I was okay. I said no. “I think I have food poisoning…” I cried. He came into my room. He asked me if I needed to throw up or if I had a running stomach. “No…I was fine last night and then when I woke up today my stomach was paining” And then he looked at my face and asked, “Purple, have you been crying?”
I went to the nurse’s. It was acidity. The nurse said that I needed to take this pill and chew these other ones 8 times that day because I was one breakdown away from turning my acidity into an ulcer. “If you think that the work is stressful (the work my company was there to do) then just take a break because the stress will cause acidity and these are the last two pills I have that stop the production of acidity in your stomach. Chew these other ones (actal tums) all day anytime you feel pain but do not exceed 16 tablets…Also you should know that you could be producing acid long before your stomach starts to hurt, so take it easy” she finished.
That thirty minutes, before *Joseph came into my room to ‘save’ me, was the worst thirty minutes I had ever had in my life. I truly mean this. It was dark and sad and extremely sorrowful and how else can I describe it… It angers me that I got to this point. When I sat up on the bed and felt that piercing pain, that was Garry stabbing me with the very sword I gave to him to protect my heart. Overdramatic? Maybe, but that was what it felt like. I dated *Baby for three years: he cheated on me, he lied to me, he put me last, he loved me, he hurt me, he filled me, and when we broke up, sure my heart broke. But I was more lonely and missed the fact that he wasn’t in my bed at night than heartbroken, because I knew that relationship had to end. I met Garry once – in this beautiful dramatic acquaintance that lasted for 24 hours…we dated for 2-3weeks and he managed to break me this bad. I wonder if he was going through the same thing, or something similar… “nah, he’s probably kicking it with his boys without a care in the world” It was besides he who said that we shouldn’t talk at all after we break up…
The saddest thing-in my sleep, in my most peaceful time, I was hurting. So bad that when I woke up I had an ocean of acid in my tummy.
For the rest of the time in Nanyuki I consumed more actal tums than food or water. I had a beautiful hotel room, a scenery to die for, gourmet food, but it all meant nothing to me.
I couldn’t talk to Garry because he asked that we not talk. Despite the fact that I was busy, this here partner of mine shall I name her Heartbreak, did not leave my side. We were joined at the hip. Through the busy schedule, numerous conference calls, reservation adjustments and presentation preparations she stayed by my side pressing harder and harder into my chest as the memory of Garry’s face faded from my memory. I read in the true love magazine yesterday that it was scientifically proven now that a heartbreak causes the pain receptors in your body to be stimulated causing actual physical pain. Ha! Can you believe that! I asked my friends who I knew had had their hearts broken if they ever fell sick. “Like is it normal to be in this much pain?” most said not really but many of them said that yes they did fall sick-but not to the point where they had to go to hospital. Okay, so this is normal then, I thought. If *Patricia told me that she was so heartbroken that she used to FORGET to eat and that one time she fainted in town because of low blood sugar or whareva, and here she is, 8 months later, normal and happy then maybe I do have a chance of getting over this man.
My dad’s best man who all my life I called my uncle passed away the other day. I cried. I don’t know if it was because of the loss or because I was just depressed overall. I loved my ‘uncle’ but he had been ill a long time and I had already made peace with the fact that the man who used to buy me fudge and ask me for kisses in return is going to be gone. His daughter who was my childhood playmate and who I also love very much flew back in from the United States for the funeral. I had not seen her for almost twenty years. After the ceremony, we partied like maniacs. I was no longer in remission from my partyholic cancer…I was back in. In the meantime, *Thomas, her cousin, who I have known now for many years from different social circles started to hit on me. Tom and I well, we love the same music, (no actually he loves my music) we can have long meaningful conversations and I held him at the funeral as he wept over uncle *Eric’s descending casket. Uncle Eric and Tom were pretty close. Tom drove him to my granny’s 60 year anniversary wedding in Nyeri over a year ago, because Uncle Eric simply couldn’t miss this wedding. In his ailing frame, he managed to stand up throughout all the wedding prayers. This was the same wedding where I realized that I had to break up with Baby (refer to former blogs).
I had work every day last week but I met up with Tom everyday and drank and smoked and talked and drove around. He was my healing drug. I had already made it through a week without any breakdowns over Garry but Monday was Valentine’s Day and I didn’t want to be alone. I thought about having sex with him that day but decided not to. Garry did not call or text me.
On Sunday, I woke up hangover. I drank water and stared at my messy wardrobe in front of me. And I spotted Garry’s black sweater. I remembered him and realized I hadn’t thought about him in a couple of days. Cool. And then, my frenemies, Heartbreak along with Loneliness strolled into my bedroom with insolent looks on their faces. Heartbreak sat on the dresser far from me but Loneliness took his shoes and coat off and slithered into my bed. In a small panic, I managed a prayer… “not today God, please.”
I opened my facebook via my phone and searched for Garry. We were no longer friends on here, but I just wanted to see if in some sort of miracle way we were still friends and that all this had been a bad dream. I sent him a message. The first in a long time. Heartbreak smiled cunningly as she watched me punch in the letters “call me…”
I slept at 8pm that night (Sunday). Tom was calling me. I wasn’t in the mood so I put my phone on silent and slept. About four hours later, my Zain line which I had not used for like two weeks now started to SCREAM from under my bed in that irritating Nokia ring tone. “How did Tom get my zain number!!!” I thought. He didn’t even know I had two phones. I crawled on my stomach and reached for the damn cellie and opened one eye to look at the caller I.D. ‘Private no.’ I was now sure it was Tom. Natasha, my ‘cousin’ from the states, had that number. She must have given it to him.
“Hello??” I whispered trying to sound as sleepy and bothered as possible so as to make the conversation short.
“Helloooo?” I asked again
“Yeah. Hey...”
“Hello, who’s this” I was getting mad cuz I could feel my body waking up and I really needed to sleep to avoid a hangover day at work the next day.
“It’s Garry.” The deep, solid, unapologetic, beautiful voice said
“Omigod!” I was thrust into total consciousness.
He actually called. Can I just say, that that was the happiest I had ever been in the past three weeks. We talked… we caught up. He asked how I was doing; I asked how he was doing… He told me he missed me. And that he thought I would never talk to him again but that he doesn’t want to confuse me…because he wants out more than he wants in (of a relationship with me)… I heard him laugh…and, it felt like cold water on my overheating engine heart. And then his “mmh, mmh” sounds that he makes to show that he is listening to me when I’m talking. He told me about his near death experience and I was so shocked that I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t show him that. “I’ll call you on your birthday” he says… I say something in the lines of Oh that will be great, but what I’m really thinking is, my birthday is in two weeks…cant you call sooner…? Please.
And then I asked him if he has met someone… “nope” he brushes
“Well, I kind of have someone in my life…” I said. And I wanted to add “…but I want to be with you and not him. What can I do to make you come back to me G?” but instead I said “…but it’s nothing serious.”
And then his phone died… And that was that.
Next day, I texted him. No reply.
At night, Tom called me. Shit, I had completely forgotten about him. He asked me to give him a chance. He said, “I know you have told me that you are still in love with Garry but I’m ganna leave that as your problem. It’s not stopping me from pursuing you.” (Did I mention that Tom & Garry know each other? Yup. I just found out) And then he asked that I please text him before going to bed. I didn’t. Next day (today), he calls while I’m at work…he wants to bring me lunch. I tell him that he doesn’t have to. He mentions that he doesn’t do these kinds of things for chicks… I know that. He doesn’t have the best track record…but I don’t care, Garry is all I care about. But I accept the offer.
Garry, I just want you to know that I love you.
I don’t know why you don’t love me…
I thought for ten minutes before writing “love”, but I am sure beyond a doubt that it is what it is. You almost died; I would rather you know.
You said, ‘what r u doing to me Purple. What should I do Purple.’ You said that you miss me because you love my personality…
But that you want out, more than you want in.
What can I do to make you love me? Am I not your type? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not tall in enough or skinny enough or graceful enough? Really, what’s the issue here…
You said, “You know! I figured it out…why we didn’t work… There was a lot of miscommunication because of the distance. (yeah? No shit)… If we were both in the same place this wouldn’t be happening. I was thinking of coming for like a week, to see you…but I really want to buy a house, get some investments started here. Can I at least take you out for lunch when I get back?
You can marry me when you get back!
I love you.
Xoxo.
You know what's funny with me is that when I get visions of my future; I don’t see the little kids running around the backyard like many women do. Yet I am the biggest romantic I know (well after *Kendra-high school friend. She’s on a whole other level). I see a nice house, sometimes three houses (all belonging to me), I see my nice interior living room, I see the trained dog & cat, and I see my man; Loving me ever so exclusively in his big dark frame and big ol’ bright heart. It’s not that I don’t want any kids, I didn’t say that. But neither did I say that I do… Oh and I tell ya, that’s music to my mom’s ears. She simply cannot bear the fact of having to deal with the social rejection of her first born daughter having a child out of wedlock…! When I was in high school she would say, “You should focus on your KCSE, not on boys”. In Uni she would say, “You need to focus on your career and make your own money. Those things (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) should matter after.”
Now that I have graduated and I am working she says “Not now. Think about your masters… You must be independent…”
My mother has always had a strong part in my decision making. She’s strong, determined, beautiful…and I mean this; people always say their mom’s are hot, my mom is hot. She’s funny (gat this one from her), conservative, sensitive, nagging, inquisitive & wholesome. We do not always meet eye to eye, in fact we hardly do (my dad says it’s because we are just alike-errr no we’re not r u fucking kidding me), but her voice, that voice that makes my brow plunge into an expressive thought, rings in my head whenever I am caught up in something. Like when I wanted to go outside and play on a weekday in class 7 and I knew I should have been studying, that voice came “Remember that you are now a pre-candidate …”. Or when I was in the shower hurriedly scrubbing trying not to miss the next episode of ‘Melrose Place’ on KTN, it would quiver in my psyche “Always wash behind your ears! You don’t want someone to come close to you and see your skin looking like a plate with oil that doesn’t get clean”.
Anyways, that’s just a by-the-way.
I believe that I will see the kids running around, once I have a good man. That, you see is the prerequisite to that vision. I do instead see something else … I see two girls …grown up, past their years of youthful revelry and indulgence. My two girls are beautiful and tall and they are reading the story of my life from my words…from a diary that I kept (or a blog-who knows). They’re reading about the years of my youth, my failures and successes, my heartbreaks and my journey to finding true love (their dad) because to me, love is what I live for.
Garry and I ended things a couple of weeks ago. Sigh…
It wasn’t working. I was asleep when he was awake, I was awake when he was asleep… working hours were cramped, I turned into a nag when he didn’t respond to a text, he pulled back when I wasn’t sentimental, I became non-empathetic, he became indifferent and then in a hurricane of pain and confusion I told him that we needed to end it. He couldn’t agree more.
And that was it.
I cried everyday for a week after that. I broke down in bed, I broke down in the shower-every time, I broke down in a matatu once, I was just a mess. When I went to Nanyuki for work, I remember this one morning and I just feel sorry for myself. I had to get up by 5am to prepare presentations for my boss that day…I had slept late listening to D’angelo because at the time music was the only thing that could get me past the tears. When my alarm went off at 5, I was groggy and sleep deprived… I remember feeling like my eyelids were bound together because my eyes couldn’t open…I had cried so much that I was completely swollen and puffed around my eyes. And then Garry’s memory, out of default, seeped into my conscience. Always the first thought in my head when I woke up…I switched off the alarm and lifted my body up. My chest felt like dead weight. And then suddenly I felt this burning piercing pain at the pit of my stomach. It was so painful and shockingly overwhelming that I made a screaming sound when it attacked me. And then finally my eyes opened only to allow tears to free from where they were now in constant release. My body went automatically into a curling position…I tried to press my stomach with my finger tips to locate the pain. What the hell was going on…?! I didn’t realize that it had already been thirty minutes when my colleague rung my hotel room phone. He was calling to ask if I was dressed and ready since we needed to be downstairs in the next fifteen. He asked if I was okay. I said no. “I think I have food poisoning…” I cried. He came into my room. He asked me if I needed to throw up or if I had a running stomach. “No…I was fine last night and then when I woke up today my stomach was paining” And then he looked at my face and asked, “Purple, have you been crying?”
I went to the nurse’s. It was acidity. The nurse said that I needed to take this pill and chew these other ones 8 times that day because I was one breakdown away from turning my acidity into an ulcer. “If you think that the work is stressful (the work my company was there to do) then just take a break because the stress will cause acidity and these are the last two pills I have that stop the production of acidity in your stomach. Chew these other ones (actal tums) all day anytime you feel pain but do not exceed 16 tablets…Also you should know that you could be producing acid long before your stomach starts to hurt, so take it easy” she finished.
That thirty minutes, before *Joseph came into my room to ‘save’ me, was the worst thirty minutes I had ever had in my life. I truly mean this. It was dark and sad and extremely sorrowful and how else can I describe it… It angers me that I got to this point. When I sat up on the bed and felt that piercing pain, that was Garry stabbing me with the very sword I gave to him to protect my heart. Overdramatic? Maybe, but that was what it felt like. I dated *Baby for three years: he cheated on me, he lied to me, he put me last, he loved me, he hurt me, he filled me, and when we broke up, sure my heart broke. But I was more lonely and missed the fact that he wasn’t in my bed at night than heartbroken, because I knew that relationship had to end. I met Garry once – in this beautiful dramatic acquaintance that lasted for 24 hours…we dated for 2-3weeks and he managed to break me this bad. I wonder if he was going through the same thing, or something similar… “nah, he’s probably kicking it with his boys without a care in the world” It was besides he who said that we shouldn’t talk at all after we break up…
The saddest thing-in my sleep, in my most peaceful time, I was hurting. So bad that when I woke up I had an ocean of acid in my tummy.
For the rest of the time in Nanyuki I consumed more actal tums than food or water. I had a beautiful hotel room, a scenery to die for, gourmet food, but it all meant nothing to me.
I couldn’t talk to Garry because he asked that we not talk. Despite the fact that I was busy, this here partner of mine shall I name her Heartbreak, did not leave my side. We were joined at the hip. Through the busy schedule, numerous conference calls, reservation adjustments and presentation preparations she stayed by my side pressing harder and harder into my chest as the memory of Garry’s face faded from my memory. I read in the true love magazine yesterday that it was scientifically proven now that a heartbreak causes the pain receptors in your body to be stimulated causing actual physical pain. Ha! Can you believe that! I asked my friends who I knew had had their hearts broken if they ever fell sick. “Like is it normal to be in this much pain?” most said not really but many of them said that yes they did fall sick-but not to the point where they had to go to hospital. Okay, so this is normal then, I thought. If *Patricia told me that she was so heartbroken that she used to FORGET to eat and that one time she fainted in town because of low blood sugar or whareva, and here she is, 8 months later, normal and happy then maybe I do have a chance of getting over this man.
My dad’s best man who all my life I called my uncle passed away the other day. I cried. I don’t know if it was because of the loss or because I was just depressed overall. I loved my ‘uncle’ but he had been ill a long time and I had already made peace with the fact that the man who used to buy me fudge and ask me for kisses in return is going to be gone. His daughter who was my childhood playmate and who I also love very much flew back in from the United States for the funeral. I had not seen her for almost twenty years. After the ceremony, we partied like maniacs. I was no longer in remission from my partyholic cancer…I was back in. In the meantime, *Thomas, her cousin, who I have known now for many years from different social circles started to hit on me. Tom and I well, we love the same music, (no actually he loves my music) we can have long meaningful conversations and I held him at the funeral as he wept over uncle *Eric’s descending casket. Uncle Eric and Tom were pretty close. Tom drove him to my granny’s 60 year anniversary wedding in Nyeri over a year ago, because Uncle Eric simply couldn’t miss this wedding. In his ailing frame, he managed to stand up throughout all the wedding prayers. This was the same wedding where I realized that I had to break up with Baby (refer to former blogs).
I had work every day last week but I met up with Tom everyday and drank and smoked and talked and drove around. He was my healing drug. I had already made it through a week without any breakdowns over Garry but Monday was Valentine’s Day and I didn’t want to be alone. I thought about having sex with him that day but decided not to. Garry did not call or text me.
On Sunday, I woke up hangover. I drank water and stared at my messy wardrobe in front of me. And I spotted Garry’s black sweater. I remembered him and realized I hadn’t thought about him in a couple of days. Cool. And then, my frenemies, Heartbreak along with Loneliness strolled into my bedroom with insolent looks on their faces. Heartbreak sat on the dresser far from me but Loneliness took his shoes and coat off and slithered into my bed. In a small panic, I managed a prayer… “not today God, please.”
I opened my facebook via my phone and searched for Garry. We were no longer friends on here, but I just wanted to see if in some sort of miracle way we were still friends and that all this had been a bad dream. I sent him a message. The first in a long time. Heartbreak smiled cunningly as she watched me punch in the letters “call me…”
I slept at 8pm that night (Sunday). Tom was calling me. I wasn’t in the mood so I put my phone on silent and slept. About four hours later, my Zain line which I had not used for like two weeks now started to SCREAM from under my bed in that irritating Nokia ring tone. “How did Tom get my zain number!!!” I thought. He didn’t even know I had two phones. I crawled on my stomach and reached for the damn cellie and opened one eye to look at the caller I.D. ‘Private no.’ I was now sure it was Tom. Natasha, my ‘cousin’ from the states, had that number. She must have given it to him.
“Hello??” I whispered trying to sound as sleepy and bothered as possible so as to make the conversation short.
“Helloooo?” I asked again
“Yeah. Hey...”
“Hello, who’s this” I was getting mad cuz I could feel my body waking up and I really needed to sleep to avoid a hangover day at work the next day.
“It’s Garry.” The deep, solid, unapologetic, beautiful voice said
“Omigod!” I was thrust into total consciousness.
He actually called. Can I just say, that that was the happiest I had ever been in the past three weeks. We talked… we caught up. He asked how I was doing; I asked how he was doing… He told me he missed me. And that he thought I would never talk to him again but that he doesn’t want to confuse me…because he wants out more than he wants in (of a relationship with me)… I heard him laugh…and, it felt like cold water on my overheating engine heart. And then his “mmh, mmh” sounds that he makes to show that he is listening to me when I’m talking. He told me about his near death experience and I was so shocked that I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t show him that. “I’ll call you on your birthday” he says… I say something in the lines of Oh that will be great, but what I’m really thinking is, my birthday is in two weeks…cant you call sooner…? Please.
And then I asked him if he has met someone… “nope” he brushes
“Well, I kind of have someone in my life…” I said. And I wanted to add “…but I want to be with you and not him. What can I do to make you come back to me G?” but instead I said “…but it’s nothing serious.”
And then his phone died… And that was that.
Next day, I texted him. No reply.
At night, Tom called me. Shit, I had completely forgotten about him. He asked me to give him a chance. He said, “I know you have told me that you are still in love with Garry but I’m ganna leave that as your problem. It’s not stopping me from pursuing you.” (Did I mention that Tom & Garry know each other? Yup. I just found out) And then he asked that I please text him before going to bed. I didn’t. Next day (today), he calls while I’m at work…he wants to bring me lunch. I tell him that he doesn’t have to. He mentions that he doesn’t do these kinds of things for chicks… I know that. He doesn’t have the best track record…but I don’t care, Garry is all I care about. But I accept the offer.
Garry, I just want you to know that I love you.
I don’t know why you don’t love me…
I thought for ten minutes before writing “love”, but I am sure beyond a doubt that it is what it is. You almost died; I would rather you know.
You said, ‘what r u doing to me Purple. What should I do Purple.’ You said that you miss me because you love my personality…
But that you want out, more than you want in.
What can I do to make you love me? Am I not your type? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not tall in enough or skinny enough or graceful enough? Really, what’s the issue here…
You said, “You know! I figured it out…why we didn’t work… There was a lot of miscommunication because of the distance. (yeah? No shit)… If we were both in the same place this wouldn’t be happening. I was thinking of coming for like a week, to see you…but I really want to buy a house, get some investments started here. Can I at least take you out for lunch when I get back?
You can marry me when you get back!
I love you.
Xoxo.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
ALWAYS HATED SUCH ARTICLES,BUT THIS 1 HIT A RAW NERVE!!!
HOW MANY DID U BREAK??? ***CRINGE***
Author:
Stingray
StingRay is the astrologer at Astralis Daily
Horoscopes
10 Mistakes Women Make In Relationships With Men.
Author:
Stingray
Women, no matter what type, have a tendency to unintentionally
push a man\'s buttons in the beginning of a relationship. This
usually leads to the 'Where did I go wrong?', and by this time,
he\'s most likely to avoid any questions you insist on asking him
about it. There are ways to avoid this, and there are ways to
get your questions answered without having him realize he\'s
opening up. Which is a subject in itself. I am going to keep
this as short, and sweet as possible.
These are 10 mistakes women tend to make with their beaus in the
beginning, or start of a relationship, that usually get the
break-up ball rolling. These are in no particular order, as they
can vary in damage from each man. Just try to make a little note
of them, and if you catch yourself in the process of making one,
step back and ask yourself if you might regret your actions
later on.
1. Ladies, men generally know it is their 'responsibility' to
make the phone calls. Unless they are extremely insecure, in
which case why would you bother anyway, they will call you if
they want to talk to you. They will also return your calls to
them, if they want to talk to you. Trust in this, if he is into
you, he WILL call. If he doesn\'t, then be over it. You will only
annoy him, and there is no turning back from being annoying.
This has never failed, and it never will. I know it\'s hard to
fight the urge, but this is worth it in the end.
2. I know it\'s tempting when your snuggled close together to
want to talk about your relationship, and find out where you
stand in all this madness. First off, men are more action
oriented when it comes to love, the fact he is snuggling with
you is his way of showing you he cares about you. Don\'t ruin it
by trying to analyze things. You\'ll find him scooting over and
bringing that arm back from around your shoulders real quick.
Talking about feelings makes it all too much a reality for a
man, and he will close up. You might find a sensitive one here
and there, but better safe than sorry.
3. Stop asking questions about his past girlfriends. A question
or two about why they broke up is fine, you have a right to know
if she tried to kill him. But, too many questions about them can
lead to all sorts of problems, that is including a
reconciliation. You get him thinking about those good old days,
and she might be the one he\'s calling tomorrow.
4. Make it a habit of stepping outside yourself if you find that
you have been babbling on and on. Most men will listen for a
while, but when you start going into how you like to dress your
cat for the fall season, you might want to just show him
Fluffy\'s wardrobe instead of describing it for two hours.
5. Here\'s an important one, at least in the beginning, don\'t
shed any tears. If you\'ve caught a sad movie, he\'ll find it
endearing, but if your sobbing because he forgot to hold your
hand or kiss you goodbye, you are turning him off for sure.
6. This is an oldie, but a goodie. Don\'t be so available. If you
have been out a few times, the next time he asks, say you have
plans. He\'s not going to give up asking you out because you have
a life. Also, if he says he is going out with the boys tell him
how cute you think it is, and that you hope they tear it up and
have a wild time. You will score points with this, and he\'ll be
thinking about you while he\'s out. I guess you could say you\'re
putting a little reverse psychology at work here, but this is
almost always a fail proof tactic.
7. Okay Ladies, let\'s talk about Hallmark cards, greeting cards,
and just about any card you can think of. (Handmade Included)
Unless it\'s a birthday, in which case, you should get something
funny and just sign your name, don\'t give your guy cards with a
short novel written in them, or your latest poetry. This is also
including those long drawn out letters, and if your far away a
letter is okay, but stay away from the hand to hand kind. Every
man I know cringes at the thought of these. I know you want to
pour your heart out, but it\'s too much for a man to swallow when
your first starting out. If he sends them to you, then you can
send them back to him with no worries. But, this is highly
unlikely, I\'m afraid.
8. Most men know that the 'I forgot my (fill in the blank )at
your place' trick, is a sham. Unless he\'s never had any dealings
with women, he knows what your trying to do here. If he wants
you to leave your things at his place, he\'ll say ' Why don\'t you
just leave that here?' This can really creep some men out. If it
really is an accident, they will know you didn\'t mean it. It\'s a
good idea, though, to check and make sure you have everything to
avoid him mistakenly thinking you did it on purpose.
9. Unless he asks you, DON\'T show up at his work. This should be
pretty self explanatory. It\'s a bad idea on so many levels.
10. And last but not least, do not bring up marriage, and all
your hopes for a huge family. If he asks, trust that he\'s not
looking for all the dreams you had when you were 12 years old
about your wedding day, and the gown you designed. Do not talk
about what your kids would look like, and how you would raise
them together to be good caring citizens. If he initiates this
kind of talk, then you can play around with the topic, but keep
it a fun conversation, or he will be dreading he ever brought it
up. Unless your a mail order bride, and going over your
arrangements, this is something you should avoid drumming up a
conversation about.
These are 10 mistakes I see over, and over again. They are made
in many different ways, but almost always have the same negative
result. The most important thing to remember is that men are
different, and they just don\'t move to the same beat as our
drum. It\'s always the best attack to not be like all the other
girls who made him uncomfortable, and just let him have a good
time. In the beginning, let him hold the keys to all the doors
that lead to the 'feeling' rooms. He will open them when he\'s
ready, and lock them for good if you constantly knock on them
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/10-mistakes-women-make-in-relationships-with-men-3428.html
About the AuthorStingRay is the astrologer at Astralis Daily
Horoscopes
Thursday, January 20, 2011
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP aka LDR
It’s been one hell of a ride with this one… But it looks like I am still here (there) (everywhere)
After the emotional weekend, this is an email he sent me on Monday night after a tennis match conversation we had over the phone; during which the phone line connection between Nairobi and Melbourne was crystal clear.
I wondered if it would be necessary to post this.
I believe it is. Just so we can understand where I am. Mentally, Emotionally, Psychologically.
I decided to ask him if it would be okay to post his ‘letter’ (so he calls it) ONLINE…I tried to ask on Tuesday, I couldn’t…I tried on Wednesday and on Thursday night I just blurted it out. Garry is a private person. Doesn’t like his personals aired in public.But then he said “Yeah, go ahead.”
I was pleased :-)…
I did delete a paragraph that I thought was too intimate (for yal to read :-p ) but I have not edited anything else- spelling errors and all.
This should be the last deep and detailed blog about Garry and me.
We are however, now pursuing a happily ever after.
With Love,
Purple
The truth is what this letter is about. No lines no nothing, just you and me.
Saturday night party at my place. Having loads of fun, I knew it was my last night!
Wanted to keep the night out low key say bye to the friends on the rave and Kenya.
But your bro is like “lets go to my place for more drinks?” I change n were off. We fika and
I notice u doing ur art work on the floor but i honestly thought u were covering books....
Nwa I dint take much notice. Later on Im with the fellaz kicking it on the balcony then you came, kind of noticed! Next time I saw u, u were drinking on the round table, i looked again. But i wanted a closer look so i went to the kitchen n thats when we first talked i was like she ait.
Went out to party some more, our paths crossed again(i remember bits and pieces). Truthfully when we went to the ride i was only interested in feeling on you. I was tipsy. Really dint give a fuck, But Hold on when our lips came together energy flowed out from you into my heart which i had chained up and i felt it sparkle. That wasn’t it yet.. I thought to myself this is the perfect last night fling for me before I go. We had sex. During that u told me “look at me." i did more than just look, i saw your beauty. Bado..
WHen I really Started FEELING U was when we started talking we argued a little, joked, flirted ,cuddled and fell asleep. Im thinking wow this is such a nice mama but o well i just have to sahau her. Not actually realising whats going.... I dropped you home knowing thats the end of that, but the problem was 1nce i left couldn’t stop thinking about you. I love how your skin smells forget about perfume, you have this amazing natural smell even if i asked you what perfume you wore and sprayed it,it would be empty coz your scent isn’t there.i loved it so much.
I wasn’t coming to see you l8r on that day, i was supposed to be spending quality time with the folks it being my last day. But i had to see you. I opend your door and there you are dressed in blue laying calm on your bed, the sun rays infused with the curtains and gave the room such a romantic colour and mood. I sayed Hi, you smiled and welcomed me like im the MAN. What a feeling we hugged and kissed and the process of me realizing what i feel for you began. We spoke and i began seeing you beyond your physical, im into the person inside. The way you talk, your attitude, charisma, camaraderie im just astonished how much i like the person, we touch we kiss and thats when the chains i put around my heart disappear. I gaze into your sexy eyes and a rollercoaster of emotions travel through my body. Im scared cz i dnt no what the fuck im feeling. I try to fight it cz i no im not the the type of person to fall for anyone ever. But this round the heart won the mind. You kiss my eyes and i totaly flip. WTF WTF WTF. Simple delicate kiss but it means so much to me.
I dint want to leave but i had to. Distance was separating me from some1 really special but i had to. We spoke and for the 2 days i travelled 'Purple' my darling your all i thought of. Someone like you doesn’t come around everyday i know i have searched.
As i told you before i have never been in a real relationship. I always get scared confused and back out or just avoid them, Over the years i have developed the art of shutting any i want out of my life. Very selfish not caring about any1 but myself which is wrong. Your telling me about your bad Karma? i have treated mamas in the past like dirt-use and abuse. So iv been running knowing my day will come. But i cant keep thinking like that. I live once, i decided to stop running and man up.
The past weekend when i hurt you, that was me being confused. I care so much about u and i have to be sure what i feel for you is real before i can commit myself to you because i care about u so so much and it grows everyday. But i would rather not be with you than to be with you only to break you. Im new at this and super confused. I really don’t want to lose you coz you the full package. I love the way u always call text, the concern and compassion you show makes me want to live forever. I feel the same but i have to learn how to express it coz i haven’t before. Somtimes i need space sometimes i feel like running hopefully youl learn how to handle that situation. I don’t know this or that but i know ur part of me.
Peace and love Ya'll
After the emotional weekend, this is an email he sent me on Monday night after a tennis match conversation we had over the phone; during which the phone line connection between Nairobi and Melbourne was crystal clear.
I wondered if it would be necessary to post this.
I believe it is. Just so we can understand where I am. Mentally, Emotionally, Psychologically.
I decided to ask him if it would be okay to post his ‘letter’ (so he calls it) ONLINE…I tried to ask on Tuesday, I couldn’t…I tried on Wednesday and on Thursday night I just blurted it out. Garry is a private person. Doesn’t like his personals aired in public.But then he said “Yeah, go ahead.”
I was pleased :-)…
I did delete a paragraph that I thought was too intimate (for yal to read :-p ) but I have not edited anything else- spelling errors and all.
This should be the last deep and detailed blog about Garry and me.
We are however, now pursuing a happily ever after.
With Love,
Purple
The truth is what this letter is about. No lines no nothing, just you and me.
Saturday night party at my place. Having loads of fun, I knew it was my last night!
Wanted to keep the night out low key say bye to the friends on the rave and Kenya.
But your bro is like “lets go to my place for more drinks?” I change n were off. We fika and
I notice u doing ur art work on the floor but i honestly thought u were covering books....
Nwa I dint take much notice. Later on Im with the fellaz kicking it on the balcony then you came, kind of noticed! Next time I saw u, u were drinking on the round table, i looked again. But i wanted a closer look so i went to the kitchen n thats when we first talked i was like she ait.
Went out to party some more, our paths crossed again(i remember bits and pieces). Truthfully when we went to the ride i was only interested in feeling on you. I was tipsy. Really dint give a fuck, But Hold on when our lips came together energy flowed out from you into my heart which i had chained up and i felt it sparkle. That wasn’t it yet.. I thought to myself this is the perfect last night fling for me before I go. We had sex. During that u told me “look at me." i did more than just look, i saw your beauty. Bado..
WHen I really Started FEELING U was when we started talking we argued a little, joked, flirted ,cuddled and fell asleep. Im thinking wow this is such a nice mama but o well i just have to sahau her. Not actually realising whats going.... I dropped you home knowing thats the end of that, but the problem was 1nce i left couldn’t stop thinking about you. I love how your skin smells forget about perfume, you have this amazing natural smell even if i asked you what perfume you wore and sprayed it,it would be empty coz your scent isn’t there.i loved it so much.
I wasn’t coming to see you l8r on that day, i was supposed to be spending quality time with the folks it being my last day. But i had to see you. I opend your door and there you are dressed in blue laying calm on your bed, the sun rays infused with the curtains and gave the room such a romantic colour and mood. I sayed Hi, you smiled and welcomed me like im the MAN. What a feeling we hugged and kissed and the process of me realizing what i feel for you began. We spoke and i began seeing you beyond your physical, im into the person inside. The way you talk, your attitude, charisma, camaraderie im just astonished how much i like the person, we touch we kiss and thats when the chains i put around my heart disappear. I gaze into your sexy eyes and a rollercoaster of emotions travel through my body. Im scared cz i dnt no what the fuck im feeling. I try to fight it cz i no im not the the type of person to fall for anyone ever. But this round the heart won the mind. You kiss my eyes and i totaly flip. WTF WTF WTF. Simple delicate kiss but it means so much to me.
I dint want to leave but i had to. Distance was separating me from some1 really special but i had to. We spoke and for the 2 days i travelled 'Purple' my darling your all i thought of. Someone like you doesn’t come around everyday i know i have searched.
As i told you before i have never been in a real relationship. I always get scared confused and back out or just avoid them, Over the years i have developed the art of shutting any i want out of my life. Very selfish not caring about any1 but myself which is wrong. Your telling me about your bad Karma? i have treated mamas in the past like dirt-use and abuse. So iv been running knowing my day will come. But i cant keep thinking like that. I live once, i decided to stop running and man up.
The past weekend when i hurt you, that was me being confused. I care so much about u and i have to be sure what i feel for you is real before i can commit myself to you because i care about u so so much and it grows everyday. But i would rather not be with you than to be with you only to break you. Im new at this and super confused. I really don’t want to lose you coz you the full package. I love the way u always call text, the concern and compassion you show makes me want to live forever. I feel the same but i have to learn how to express it coz i haven’t before. Somtimes i need space sometimes i feel like running hopefully youl learn how to handle that situation. I don’t know this or that but i know ur part of me.
Peace and love Ya'll
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