UNTITLED.

There are three things in my life that are important to me: My career, My Love life (friends, family included) and My health. I see them in my mind like three strong Greek pillars upon which ‘my world’ and sometimes a peaceful, meditating animation of myself sits.
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…