IN MY HEART

He phoned to tell me that he would be landing in three days. He would be staying at his aunt’s, a relative he trusted that wouldn’t blow his cover that he was in the country before school break. He said he couldn’t wait to see me.
Three days later at twilight, his white Mitsubishi pulled up into my parking lot. When the door bell rang my heart fumbled to get its beat together! I could already smell him… I opened the door and there was my man. All 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo in a white sweater of him. “G!” I screamed leaping into his arms where I was received gracefully. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for everything. I was unresponsive, but only because so many beautiful feelings were overwhelming me! He hunched his shoulders to cup my face with his palms and said it again looking for answers in my eyes “Purple, forgive me?”
“yes yes yes G…”
We went to Masai Mara and then to Mombasa. He told me to leave the man I was currently seeing and be with him. I sent a text on the spot to the guy and told him bluntly that we were not working out and that I wished him happiness. We made love all the time. I had forgotten how strong he was inside me. I loved him.
When we got back to Nairobi, ten days had passed. We were at a party of his friend’s and he was showing me off with a huge grin on his bold African face. I never felt so complete.I stood over the balcony watching the crowd below me dancing and drinking the night away. When I turned around, Garry was standing there. Watching me. No expression on his face. I smiled at him expecting him to break out of his trance and walk towards me and kiss me or something of the sort, but he just stood there looking at me over his strong chin – holding his drink. Finally he walked to me and I was relieved. Then he placed his palm on my chest as softly as a feather would land on the ground and suddenly I felt a wave of emotional pain burst inside me! He was looking at me dead in the eye and then in one swift motion, he pushed me off the balcony.
My mouth was still agape as I watched Garry recede further and further from me in my descent. He watched me fall from the balcony, his drink still in his hand. My eyes filled with tears and confusion and hurt. And then I landed on the floor. I wasn’t hurt. I stood up still crying, burying my hands into my palms in shame. When I looked up, Garry was running to the edge of the staircase frantic as if someone else had pushed me and he had tuned into a nutcase trying to get to me to see if I was okay.
“But you told me You Loved Me!!!” I screamed at him
“I said I was sorry Purple!” he retorted and threw his hand in the air as a sign of frustration.
I thought for a moment “maybe he’s sorry…No, but he was looking at me as me as I fell with no remorse.” And with that, I walked away. I saw him walk away too, back into the crowd. I got into the car and cried for ages before finally leaving.

I woke up suddenly. I was crying. I touched my face and felt that my cheeks were moist and burning from the tears. My heart was paining – you know, I was hurting. I couldn’t remember what had just happened or what I had just dreamt. I don’t normally have dreams that I wake up out of so I was quite confused. What was going on? My alarm clock suddenly startled me causing me to break from thought. Was it morning already! I slumped back onto my pillow trying to remember what I dreamt about. I gave up after about ten minutes and went to the shower.

On my way to work, everything come flooding back to me like a time warp in fast forward! I remembered his white sweater, this kiss at the door when I first saw him, making out at the beach; loose memories form the Mara, and then, the ‘murder’. I’m telling you, it hit me like a brick on the head. I even had to put my hand over my mouth to cover my shock. He looked so clear in my dreams! I could see his entire face…:-(.

My eyes got teary and a felt sadness and self pity. But I didn’t cry. People in traffic would think I was some crazy chick.

At work, I googled dream interpretations: Falling dreams, dreams where you’re ‘killed’ but don’t die. There were all these interpretations that even I would have come up with on my own.They didnt really give me the explanations I needed. At last, I texted G. We hadn’t talked in two weeks. I told him about the dream trying my best to attach as much emotion as I could to the words. Three hours later, he responded “You know I would never push you baby.” As usual. Short, non-explanatory, evasive texts. I got mad at him but mostly at me for even bothering. I had been doing well trying to move on.

Two weeks later, he called me. We had been in communication on and off mostly on facebook. I picked up the phone half nervous half excited that he rung. What I thought was going to be a sweet mellow covering up what we feel for each other conversation tuned into the worst I ever had with a man in my life. He was FURIOUS!
I had sent him a text two days before which he had not replied to – so in a weak moment I wrote to him “G, why do you take so long to respond…? If u r going to be giving me your full attention and then suddenly going A wall, should we be talking at all? Look, I have a man so I’m not tryna get with you. You know how it is with us. Xoxo” Of course I don’t have a man, first off, but there have been rumors that got to him in Melbourne that I had been seen with some guy and when he asked me about it, I brushed it off like I didn’t want to talk abt it. Having him believe that I was with someone gave me some of the power that I had lost when I fell so blindly for him.

He was talking loudly over phone – not necessarily shouting. He was saying how angry I make him sometimes, how I should realize that there is a time difference between Ke and Aus and so when he takes long to reply to a message I should ‘‘Learn’’ patience. “You don’t even know what I was doing Purple or why I didn’t reply on time. And why the hell would you tell me you have a man! So you’re dating that guy???! All the best in your new found happiness!!”

I have never been spoken to like this by man. So let me just say I was dumbfounded. I tried to stand up for myself but suddenly he said “No Purple. Listen. I don’t. want. To. Ever. Talk. To you again.”

I had already settled myself in the car from my desk so that my colleagues wouldn’t see us fight and when I heard those words from the cell, the only thing I could say was “I’m sorry” “there’s no need to be sorry. It won’t make any sense to since we are cutting all communication channels as of now.”

This man, all 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo of a man had already broken my heart before. You have read it in my other blogs. And so as I sat there in the car waiting for the pain, sorrow and anguish that I expected would follow such harsh remarks, I was … shall I say, pleased, that I felt nothing. It was as if instead of the words flying into my heart through my sweater into my chest and nesting a home there, they flew right past and disintegrated in the air like gun powder from a fired pistol. I did try and plead with him to calm down for I didn’t know that he had such a temper but he found all my efforts pointless since ‘’we were cutting all communication” shortly. And I even cried after the phone call ended but I cried out all of the Garry that was left in me. I went back to my desk and worked in my 8-5 like nothing had happened. I even saw a naked man that day! Really. Even the universe was trying to cheer me up.

All of last weekend, at Adelaide sevens in Australia, Daisy was with Garry. If you remember, Daisy is one of my best friends who is studying in that retarded country (no offence down unders) she told me that he was wearing one of the t-shirts I bought him and that he looked great but didn’t mention my name once. Even when she started to talk about me on the table, he stood up and walked away. And she even said that she suspects that he had his eye on her, that he could have been hitting on her, but she’s not sure. She’s met someone who she is smitten over.
It hurt me a whole lot that he would hit on my bf… anyways, Im here, and I might not be happy with my job, my dreams being so far, and with my roller coaster love life, but I am secure.
Peace & Love
Purple.