When I broke up with *Baby over a year ago, the idea of getting a calmer, taller, bigger, more together, more fascinated by me and in love with me man got me past my Baby-withdrawal moments. Also I just needed a break. I had lost three years of my life swimming in his toxicity (as I have so often described that relationship) and all I wanted then was to break free and be alone. No man, No due responsibilities and no commitments. No running out of money or out of my mind tryna keep us together… Just me, myself and I. (That song is still one of my favorite Beyonce singles) Bottom line, I wanted a better me, and a better man
When Garry came into my life…
Can I just take a moment here…
When Garry strolled into my life…in his black jacket and unapologetic swag… (Looking for the words)…
You know how when we were kids there was always a mapera tree in our estates. And every day at some point, we would go and climb the tree and see who can get the biggest reddest orangest mapera? Usually the ones that only birds would peck on and leave half eaten exposing the inner scarlet of the fruit for those of us on worm’s eye view to lust over? Do you remember how, the maperas we would get would be white inside and if you were lucky or brave enough to defy gravity you would get at least a pale pink looking one that you would only share with your best friend? Do ya’ll remember those days? Well that’s a peek into my childhood. *smile* And then, one day, you make friends with the boy who can run the fastest, bat the hardest and jump the furthest (do I hear three sticks lol) but cant climb the mapera tree to save his life because his mother told him if she ever found him on that tree or even heard that he was playing next to that tree that she would woop his sorry ass and take away his going-out-to-play rights. And you tell this kid, look, I know you can climb the highest with no fear…how’s about we get those three maperas over there (look up) and we split them 2:1. You can take two. He’s excited, all sparkly eyed and shit. And you say to yourself “Yes!” But then he says “What about my mom?” “No one’s gana tell!” “What about the ants on the top branches?”
“Okay, if you do this, I’ll let you kiss me”
Done.
He climbs, everyone’s watching, jaws dropped pin drop silence. He squeals! The ants are attacking him. “Just a couple more branches!” and eureka! He grabs the cluster of fruits and tucks them in both of his side pockets.
That afternoon, you wash the mapera and sit on the pavement with your friends in awe around you. In your hand is the neighborhood’s most priced possession. Your most priced possession. There’s no better looking mapera on the tree. You’ve never held such a huge mapera in your hand. You roll it in your palm taking in all the details of its skin. You remember all the other maperas you’d eaten before thinking about the day that you will get the mapera at the top of the tree. So big and tough those maperas.
And then you eat it; and for the first time, you know how a ripe mapera actually tastes like.
See, Garry is that mapera. As I was dating all these guys I have dated, I have known in my heart what I really wanted. That big mapera at the top of the tree. When a woman gets out or is trying to get out of a relationship, what gives her that will to leave is the idea of a better version of her current retarded boyfriend. If he doesn’t call her, doesn’t say nice things, cheats on her, she says to herself “I need a man who calls on time, treats me good and is faithful to me.” That’s what propels her into moving on! That’s what I call the moving on survival kit - MOSK
I wanted a sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent man. Doesn’t talk too much (leave that to me), can handle stressful situations well (I’ll leave that to you), taller than me , large, keeps fit, preferably dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record kinda guy. To me, TO mE, TO ME, Garry had all these qualities. And even more. He was that mapera at the top of the tree.
And now that we are done, I am having a hard time letting him go because I don’t have a MOSK.
What can I use as a MOSK?
I know that Garry probably doesn’t think he’s as great as I paint him out to be. And that I am lost in my own world falling in love with him like this, but you know what, I see him like that. He might not; ya’ll might not, but to me, from the most sincere part of my heart, Garry’s perfect. But who gives a fuck. Shrugging my shoulders.
I met this guy… he’s sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent doesn’t talk too much (leaves that to me), can handle stressful situations well , taller than me , large, keeps fit, dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record. In this dainty heart of mine, feelings for him are growing…and it’s not tears watering these flowery feelings, but pecks on the cheek, good morning texts, jokes on my Whats App chat, compliments about my body… *blush
But he’s not like Garry…He’s a bit too romantic, too worried about how I’ll get home, if I got home, if I was fine getting home. Plus he’s gat baggage. Which shouldn’t be a problem, but… Garry had this ‘I’m the MAN” aura around him, that made me fall for him stupid- *blush *blush… This guy doesn’t have that.
Garry told me the other day “on the real, I think you need to let me go of me completely”. See that that last word there, completely? Sigh… He is done with me. Shrugging my shoulders
It’s been too damn long I’m still into this guy and I just want to move the hell on. I have been putting a front for my friends that I am okay, but I’m not. I’m begging God, The Universe, the genie in Aladdin, please, let me move on.
Maybe next week, or next month I won’t love you, like you don’t love me.
Peace & Love…
Purple.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
UNTITLED.
There are three things in my life that are important to me: My career, My Love life (friends, family included) and My health. I see them in my mind like three strong Greek pillars upon which ‘my world’ and sometimes a peaceful, meditating animation of myself sits.
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
PATTERN
I normally write when I have 100% inspiration...i.e when I get this intuitive nudge from within that pushes me to a keyboard. But today I have only 60% inspiration, so to speak, so I just hope that what I wanna say comes out clear...
You know what's funny with me is that when I get visions of my future; I don’t see the little kids running around the backyard like many women do. Yet I am the biggest romantic I know (well after *Kendra-high school friend. She’s on a whole other level). I see a nice house, sometimes three houses (all belonging to me), I see my nice interior living room, I see the trained dog & cat, and I see my man; Loving me ever so exclusively in his big dark frame and big ol’ bright heart. It’s not that I don’t want any kids, I didn’t say that. But neither did I say that I do… Oh and I tell ya, that’s music to my mom’s ears. She simply cannot bear the fact of having to deal with the social rejection of her first born daughter having a child out of wedlock…! When I was in high school she would say, “You should focus on your KCSE, not on boys”. In Uni she would say, “You need to focus on your career and make your own money. Those things (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) should matter after.”
Now that I have graduated and I am working she says “Not now. Think about your masters… You must be independent…”
My mother has always had a strong part in my decision making. She’s strong, determined, beautiful…and I mean this; people always say their mom’s are hot, my mom is hot. She’s funny (gat this one from her), conservative, sensitive, nagging, inquisitive & wholesome. We do not always meet eye to eye, in fact we hardly do (my dad says it’s because we are just alike-errr no we’re not r u fucking kidding me), but her voice, that voice that makes my brow plunge into an expressive thought, rings in my head whenever I am caught up in something. Like when I wanted to go outside and play on a weekday in class 7 and I knew I should have been studying, that voice came “Remember that you are now a pre-candidate …”. Or when I was in the shower hurriedly scrubbing trying not to miss the next episode of ‘Melrose Place’ on KTN, it would quiver in my psyche “Always wash behind your ears! You don’t want someone to come close to you and see your skin looking like a plate with oil that doesn’t get clean”.
Anyways, that’s just a by-the-way.
I believe that I will see the kids running around, once I have a good man. That, you see is the prerequisite to that vision. I do instead see something else … I see two girls …grown up, past their years of youthful revelry and indulgence. My two girls are beautiful and tall and they are reading the story of my life from my words…from a diary that I kept (or a blog-who knows). They’re reading about the years of my youth, my failures and successes, my heartbreaks and my journey to finding true love (their dad) because to me, love is what I live for.
Garry and I ended things a couple of weeks ago. Sigh…
It wasn’t working. I was asleep when he was awake, I was awake when he was asleep… working hours were cramped, I turned into a nag when he didn’t respond to a text, he pulled back when I wasn’t sentimental, I became non-empathetic, he became indifferent and then in a hurricane of pain and confusion I told him that we needed to end it. He couldn’t agree more.
And that was it.
I cried everyday for a week after that. I broke down in bed, I broke down in the shower-every time, I broke down in a matatu once, I was just a mess. When I went to Nanyuki for work, I remember this one morning and I just feel sorry for myself. I had to get up by 5am to prepare presentations for my boss that day…I had slept late listening to D’angelo because at the time music was the only thing that could get me past the tears. When my alarm went off at 5, I was groggy and sleep deprived… I remember feeling like my eyelids were bound together because my eyes couldn’t open…I had cried so much that I was completely swollen and puffed around my eyes. And then Garry’s memory, out of default, seeped into my conscience. Always the first thought in my head when I woke up…I switched off the alarm and lifted my body up. My chest felt like dead weight. And then suddenly I felt this burning piercing pain at the pit of my stomach. It was so painful and shockingly overwhelming that I made a screaming sound when it attacked me. And then finally my eyes opened only to allow tears to free from where they were now in constant release. My body went automatically into a curling position…I tried to press my stomach with my finger tips to locate the pain. What the hell was going on…?! I didn’t realize that it had already been thirty minutes when my colleague rung my hotel room phone. He was calling to ask if I was dressed and ready since we needed to be downstairs in the next fifteen. He asked if I was okay. I said no. “I think I have food poisoning…” I cried. He came into my room. He asked me if I needed to throw up or if I had a running stomach. “No…I was fine last night and then when I woke up today my stomach was paining” And then he looked at my face and asked, “Purple, have you been crying?”
I went to the nurse’s. It was acidity. The nurse said that I needed to take this pill and chew these other ones 8 times that day because I was one breakdown away from turning my acidity into an ulcer. “If you think that the work is stressful (the work my company was there to do) then just take a break because the stress will cause acidity and these are the last two pills I have that stop the production of acidity in your stomach. Chew these other ones (actal tums) all day anytime you feel pain but do not exceed 16 tablets…Also you should know that you could be producing acid long before your stomach starts to hurt, so take it easy” she finished.
That thirty minutes, before *Joseph came into my room to ‘save’ me, was the worst thirty minutes I had ever had in my life. I truly mean this. It was dark and sad and extremely sorrowful and how else can I describe it… It angers me that I got to this point. When I sat up on the bed and felt that piercing pain, that was Garry stabbing me with the very sword I gave to him to protect my heart. Overdramatic? Maybe, but that was what it felt like. I dated *Baby for three years: he cheated on me, he lied to me, he put me last, he loved me, he hurt me, he filled me, and when we broke up, sure my heart broke. But I was more lonely and missed the fact that he wasn’t in my bed at night than heartbroken, because I knew that relationship had to end. I met Garry once – in this beautiful dramatic acquaintance that lasted for 24 hours…we dated for 2-3weeks and he managed to break me this bad. I wonder if he was going through the same thing, or something similar… “nah, he’s probably kicking it with his boys without a care in the world” It was besides he who said that we shouldn’t talk at all after we break up…
The saddest thing-in my sleep, in my most peaceful time, I was hurting. So bad that when I woke up I had an ocean of acid in my tummy.
For the rest of the time in Nanyuki I consumed more actal tums than food or water. I had a beautiful hotel room, a scenery to die for, gourmet food, but it all meant nothing to me.
I couldn’t talk to Garry because he asked that we not talk. Despite the fact that I was busy, this here partner of mine shall I name her Heartbreak, did not leave my side. We were joined at the hip. Through the busy schedule, numerous conference calls, reservation adjustments and presentation preparations she stayed by my side pressing harder and harder into my chest as the memory of Garry’s face faded from my memory. I read in the true love magazine yesterday that it was scientifically proven now that a heartbreak causes the pain receptors in your body to be stimulated causing actual physical pain. Ha! Can you believe that! I asked my friends who I knew had had their hearts broken if they ever fell sick. “Like is it normal to be in this much pain?” most said not really but many of them said that yes they did fall sick-but not to the point where they had to go to hospital. Okay, so this is normal then, I thought. If *Patricia told me that she was so heartbroken that she used to FORGET to eat and that one time she fainted in town because of low blood sugar or whareva, and here she is, 8 months later, normal and happy then maybe I do have a chance of getting over this man.
My dad’s best man who all my life I called my uncle passed away the other day. I cried. I don’t know if it was because of the loss or because I was just depressed overall. I loved my ‘uncle’ but he had been ill a long time and I had already made peace with the fact that the man who used to buy me fudge and ask me for kisses in return is going to be gone. His daughter who was my childhood playmate and who I also love very much flew back in from the United States for the funeral. I had not seen her for almost twenty years. After the ceremony, we partied like maniacs. I was no longer in remission from my partyholic cancer…I was back in. In the meantime, *Thomas, her cousin, who I have known now for many years from different social circles started to hit on me. Tom and I well, we love the same music, (no actually he loves my music) we can have long meaningful conversations and I held him at the funeral as he wept over uncle *Eric’s descending casket. Uncle Eric and Tom were pretty close. Tom drove him to my granny’s 60 year anniversary wedding in Nyeri over a year ago, because Uncle Eric simply couldn’t miss this wedding. In his ailing frame, he managed to stand up throughout all the wedding prayers. This was the same wedding where I realized that I had to break up with Baby (refer to former blogs).
I had work every day last week but I met up with Tom everyday and drank and smoked and talked and drove around. He was my healing drug. I had already made it through a week without any breakdowns over Garry but Monday was Valentine’s Day and I didn’t want to be alone. I thought about having sex with him that day but decided not to. Garry did not call or text me.
On Sunday, I woke up hangover. I drank water and stared at my messy wardrobe in front of me. And I spotted Garry’s black sweater. I remembered him and realized I hadn’t thought about him in a couple of days. Cool. And then, my frenemies, Heartbreak along with Loneliness strolled into my bedroom with insolent looks on their faces. Heartbreak sat on the dresser far from me but Loneliness took his shoes and coat off and slithered into my bed. In a small panic, I managed a prayer… “not today God, please.”
I opened my facebook via my phone and searched for Garry. We were no longer friends on here, but I just wanted to see if in some sort of miracle way we were still friends and that all this had been a bad dream. I sent him a message. The first in a long time. Heartbreak smiled cunningly as she watched me punch in the letters “call me…”
I slept at 8pm that night (Sunday). Tom was calling me. I wasn’t in the mood so I put my phone on silent and slept. About four hours later, my Zain line which I had not used for like two weeks now started to SCREAM from under my bed in that irritating Nokia ring tone. “How did Tom get my zain number!!!” I thought. He didn’t even know I had two phones. I crawled on my stomach and reached for the damn cellie and opened one eye to look at the caller I.D. ‘Private no.’ I was now sure it was Tom. Natasha, my ‘cousin’ from the states, had that number. She must have given it to him.
“Hello??” I whispered trying to sound as sleepy and bothered as possible so as to make the conversation short.
“Helloooo?” I asked again
“Yeah. Hey...”
“Hello, who’s this” I was getting mad cuz I could feel my body waking up and I really needed to sleep to avoid a hangover day at work the next day.
“It’s Garry.” The deep, solid, unapologetic, beautiful voice said
“Omigod!” I was thrust into total consciousness.
He actually called. Can I just say, that that was the happiest I had ever been in the past three weeks. We talked… we caught up. He asked how I was doing; I asked how he was doing… He told me he missed me. And that he thought I would never talk to him again but that he doesn’t want to confuse me…because he wants out more than he wants in (of a relationship with me)… I heard him laugh…and, it felt like cold water on my overheating engine heart. And then his “mmh, mmh” sounds that he makes to show that he is listening to me when I’m talking. He told me about his near death experience and I was so shocked that I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t show him that. “I’ll call you on your birthday” he says… I say something in the lines of Oh that will be great, but what I’m really thinking is, my birthday is in two weeks…cant you call sooner…? Please.
And then I asked him if he has met someone… “nope” he brushes
“Well, I kind of have someone in my life…” I said. And I wanted to add “…but I want to be with you and not him. What can I do to make you come back to me G?” but instead I said “…but it’s nothing serious.”
And then his phone died… And that was that.
Next day, I texted him. No reply.
At night, Tom called me. Shit, I had completely forgotten about him. He asked me to give him a chance. He said, “I know you have told me that you are still in love with Garry but I’m ganna leave that as your problem. It’s not stopping me from pursuing you.” (Did I mention that Tom & Garry know each other? Yup. I just found out) And then he asked that I please text him before going to bed. I didn’t. Next day (today), he calls while I’m at work…he wants to bring me lunch. I tell him that he doesn’t have to. He mentions that he doesn’t do these kinds of things for chicks… I know that. He doesn’t have the best track record…but I don’t care, Garry is all I care about. But I accept the offer.
Garry, I just want you to know that I love you.
I don’t know why you don’t love me…
I thought for ten minutes before writing “love”, but I am sure beyond a doubt that it is what it is. You almost died; I would rather you know.
You said, ‘what r u doing to me Purple. What should I do Purple.’ You said that you miss me because you love my personality…
But that you want out, more than you want in.
What can I do to make you love me? Am I not your type? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not tall in enough or skinny enough or graceful enough? Really, what’s the issue here…
You said, “You know! I figured it out…why we didn’t work… There was a lot of miscommunication because of the distance. (yeah? No shit)… If we were both in the same place this wouldn’t be happening. I was thinking of coming for like a week, to see you…but I really want to buy a house, get some investments started here. Can I at least take you out for lunch when I get back?
You can marry me when you get back!
I love you.
Xoxo.
You know what's funny with me is that when I get visions of my future; I don’t see the little kids running around the backyard like many women do. Yet I am the biggest romantic I know (well after *Kendra-high school friend. She’s on a whole other level). I see a nice house, sometimes three houses (all belonging to me), I see my nice interior living room, I see the trained dog & cat, and I see my man; Loving me ever so exclusively in his big dark frame and big ol’ bright heart. It’s not that I don’t want any kids, I didn’t say that. But neither did I say that I do… Oh and I tell ya, that’s music to my mom’s ears. She simply cannot bear the fact of having to deal with the social rejection of her first born daughter having a child out of wedlock…! When I was in high school she would say, “You should focus on your KCSE, not on boys”. In Uni she would say, “You need to focus on your career and make your own money. Those things (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) should matter after.”
Now that I have graduated and I am working she says “Not now. Think about your masters… You must be independent…”
My mother has always had a strong part in my decision making. She’s strong, determined, beautiful…and I mean this; people always say their mom’s are hot, my mom is hot. She’s funny (gat this one from her), conservative, sensitive, nagging, inquisitive & wholesome. We do not always meet eye to eye, in fact we hardly do (my dad says it’s because we are just alike-errr no we’re not r u fucking kidding me), but her voice, that voice that makes my brow plunge into an expressive thought, rings in my head whenever I am caught up in something. Like when I wanted to go outside and play on a weekday in class 7 and I knew I should have been studying, that voice came “Remember that you are now a pre-candidate …”. Or when I was in the shower hurriedly scrubbing trying not to miss the next episode of ‘Melrose Place’ on KTN, it would quiver in my psyche “Always wash behind your ears! You don’t want someone to come close to you and see your skin looking like a plate with oil that doesn’t get clean”.
Anyways, that’s just a by-the-way.
I believe that I will see the kids running around, once I have a good man. That, you see is the prerequisite to that vision. I do instead see something else … I see two girls …grown up, past their years of youthful revelry and indulgence. My two girls are beautiful and tall and they are reading the story of my life from my words…from a diary that I kept (or a blog-who knows). They’re reading about the years of my youth, my failures and successes, my heartbreaks and my journey to finding true love (their dad) because to me, love is what I live for.
Garry and I ended things a couple of weeks ago. Sigh…
It wasn’t working. I was asleep when he was awake, I was awake when he was asleep… working hours were cramped, I turned into a nag when he didn’t respond to a text, he pulled back when I wasn’t sentimental, I became non-empathetic, he became indifferent and then in a hurricane of pain and confusion I told him that we needed to end it. He couldn’t agree more.
And that was it.
I cried everyday for a week after that. I broke down in bed, I broke down in the shower-every time, I broke down in a matatu once, I was just a mess. When I went to Nanyuki for work, I remember this one morning and I just feel sorry for myself. I had to get up by 5am to prepare presentations for my boss that day…I had slept late listening to D’angelo because at the time music was the only thing that could get me past the tears. When my alarm went off at 5, I was groggy and sleep deprived… I remember feeling like my eyelids were bound together because my eyes couldn’t open…I had cried so much that I was completely swollen and puffed around my eyes. And then Garry’s memory, out of default, seeped into my conscience. Always the first thought in my head when I woke up…I switched off the alarm and lifted my body up. My chest felt like dead weight. And then suddenly I felt this burning piercing pain at the pit of my stomach. It was so painful and shockingly overwhelming that I made a screaming sound when it attacked me. And then finally my eyes opened only to allow tears to free from where they were now in constant release. My body went automatically into a curling position…I tried to press my stomach with my finger tips to locate the pain. What the hell was going on…?! I didn’t realize that it had already been thirty minutes when my colleague rung my hotel room phone. He was calling to ask if I was dressed and ready since we needed to be downstairs in the next fifteen. He asked if I was okay. I said no. “I think I have food poisoning…” I cried. He came into my room. He asked me if I needed to throw up or if I had a running stomach. “No…I was fine last night and then when I woke up today my stomach was paining” And then he looked at my face and asked, “Purple, have you been crying?”
I went to the nurse’s. It was acidity. The nurse said that I needed to take this pill and chew these other ones 8 times that day because I was one breakdown away from turning my acidity into an ulcer. “If you think that the work is stressful (the work my company was there to do) then just take a break because the stress will cause acidity and these are the last two pills I have that stop the production of acidity in your stomach. Chew these other ones (actal tums) all day anytime you feel pain but do not exceed 16 tablets…Also you should know that you could be producing acid long before your stomach starts to hurt, so take it easy” she finished.
That thirty minutes, before *Joseph came into my room to ‘save’ me, was the worst thirty minutes I had ever had in my life. I truly mean this. It was dark and sad and extremely sorrowful and how else can I describe it… It angers me that I got to this point. When I sat up on the bed and felt that piercing pain, that was Garry stabbing me with the very sword I gave to him to protect my heart. Overdramatic? Maybe, but that was what it felt like. I dated *Baby for three years: he cheated on me, he lied to me, he put me last, he loved me, he hurt me, he filled me, and when we broke up, sure my heart broke. But I was more lonely and missed the fact that he wasn’t in my bed at night than heartbroken, because I knew that relationship had to end. I met Garry once – in this beautiful dramatic acquaintance that lasted for 24 hours…we dated for 2-3weeks and he managed to break me this bad. I wonder if he was going through the same thing, or something similar… “nah, he’s probably kicking it with his boys without a care in the world” It was besides he who said that we shouldn’t talk at all after we break up…
The saddest thing-in my sleep, in my most peaceful time, I was hurting. So bad that when I woke up I had an ocean of acid in my tummy.
For the rest of the time in Nanyuki I consumed more actal tums than food or water. I had a beautiful hotel room, a scenery to die for, gourmet food, but it all meant nothing to me.
I couldn’t talk to Garry because he asked that we not talk. Despite the fact that I was busy, this here partner of mine shall I name her Heartbreak, did not leave my side. We were joined at the hip. Through the busy schedule, numerous conference calls, reservation adjustments and presentation preparations she stayed by my side pressing harder and harder into my chest as the memory of Garry’s face faded from my memory. I read in the true love magazine yesterday that it was scientifically proven now that a heartbreak causes the pain receptors in your body to be stimulated causing actual physical pain. Ha! Can you believe that! I asked my friends who I knew had had their hearts broken if they ever fell sick. “Like is it normal to be in this much pain?” most said not really but many of them said that yes they did fall sick-but not to the point where they had to go to hospital. Okay, so this is normal then, I thought. If *Patricia told me that she was so heartbroken that she used to FORGET to eat and that one time she fainted in town because of low blood sugar or whareva, and here she is, 8 months later, normal and happy then maybe I do have a chance of getting over this man.
My dad’s best man who all my life I called my uncle passed away the other day. I cried. I don’t know if it was because of the loss or because I was just depressed overall. I loved my ‘uncle’ but he had been ill a long time and I had already made peace with the fact that the man who used to buy me fudge and ask me for kisses in return is going to be gone. His daughter who was my childhood playmate and who I also love very much flew back in from the United States for the funeral. I had not seen her for almost twenty years. After the ceremony, we partied like maniacs. I was no longer in remission from my partyholic cancer…I was back in. In the meantime, *Thomas, her cousin, who I have known now for many years from different social circles started to hit on me. Tom and I well, we love the same music, (no actually he loves my music) we can have long meaningful conversations and I held him at the funeral as he wept over uncle *Eric’s descending casket. Uncle Eric and Tom were pretty close. Tom drove him to my granny’s 60 year anniversary wedding in Nyeri over a year ago, because Uncle Eric simply couldn’t miss this wedding. In his ailing frame, he managed to stand up throughout all the wedding prayers. This was the same wedding where I realized that I had to break up with Baby (refer to former blogs).
I had work every day last week but I met up with Tom everyday and drank and smoked and talked and drove around. He was my healing drug. I had already made it through a week without any breakdowns over Garry but Monday was Valentine’s Day and I didn’t want to be alone. I thought about having sex with him that day but decided not to. Garry did not call or text me.
On Sunday, I woke up hangover. I drank water and stared at my messy wardrobe in front of me. And I spotted Garry’s black sweater. I remembered him and realized I hadn’t thought about him in a couple of days. Cool. And then, my frenemies, Heartbreak along with Loneliness strolled into my bedroom with insolent looks on their faces. Heartbreak sat on the dresser far from me but Loneliness took his shoes and coat off and slithered into my bed. In a small panic, I managed a prayer… “not today God, please.”
I opened my facebook via my phone and searched for Garry. We were no longer friends on here, but I just wanted to see if in some sort of miracle way we were still friends and that all this had been a bad dream. I sent him a message. The first in a long time. Heartbreak smiled cunningly as she watched me punch in the letters “call me…”
I slept at 8pm that night (Sunday). Tom was calling me. I wasn’t in the mood so I put my phone on silent and slept. About four hours later, my Zain line which I had not used for like two weeks now started to SCREAM from under my bed in that irritating Nokia ring tone. “How did Tom get my zain number!!!” I thought. He didn’t even know I had two phones. I crawled on my stomach and reached for the damn cellie and opened one eye to look at the caller I.D. ‘Private no.’ I was now sure it was Tom. Natasha, my ‘cousin’ from the states, had that number. She must have given it to him.
“Hello??” I whispered trying to sound as sleepy and bothered as possible so as to make the conversation short.
“Helloooo?” I asked again
“Yeah. Hey...”
“Hello, who’s this” I was getting mad cuz I could feel my body waking up and I really needed to sleep to avoid a hangover day at work the next day.
“It’s Garry.” The deep, solid, unapologetic, beautiful voice said
“Omigod!” I was thrust into total consciousness.
He actually called. Can I just say, that that was the happiest I had ever been in the past three weeks. We talked… we caught up. He asked how I was doing; I asked how he was doing… He told me he missed me. And that he thought I would never talk to him again but that he doesn’t want to confuse me…because he wants out more than he wants in (of a relationship with me)… I heard him laugh…and, it felt like cold water on my overheating engine heart. And then his “mmh, mmh” sounds that he makes to show that he is listening to me when I’m talking. He told me about his near death experience and I was so shocked that I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t show him that. “I’ll call you on your birthday” he says… I say something in the lines of Oh that will be great, but what I’m really thinking is, my birthday is in two weeks…cant you call sooner…? Please.
And then I asked him if he has met someone… “nope” he brushes
“Well, I kind of have someone in my life…” I said. And I wanted to add “…but I want to be with you and not him. What can I do to make you come back to me G?” but instead I said “…but it’s nothing serious.”
And then his phone died… And that was that.
Next day, I texted him. No reply.
At night, Tom called me. Shit, I had completely forgotten about him. He asked me to give him a chance. He said, “I know you have told me that you are still in love with Garry but I’m ganna leave that as your problem. It’s not stopping me from pursuing you.” (Did I mention that Tom & Garry know each other? Yup. I just found out) And then he asked that I please text him before going to bed. I didn’t. Next day (today), he calls while I’m at work…he wants to bring me lunch. I tell him that he doesn’t have to. He mentions that he doesn’t do these kinds of things for chicks… I know that. He doesn’t have the best track record…but I don’t care, Garry is all I care about. But I accept the offer.
Garry, I just want you to know that I love you.
I don’t know why you don’t love me…
I thought for ten minutes before writing “love”, but I am sure beyond a doubt that it is what it is. You almost died; I would rather you know.
You said, ‘what r u doing to me Purple. What should I do Purple.’ You said that you miss me because you love my personality…
But that you want out, more than you want in.
What can I do to make you love me? Am I not your type? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not tall in enough or skinny enough or graceful enough? Really, what’s the issue here…
You said, “You know! I figured it out…why we didn’t work… There was a lot of miscommunication because of the distance. (yeah? No shit)… If we were both in the same place this wouldn’t be happening. I was thinking of coming for like a week, to see you…but I really want to buy a house, get some investments started here. Can I at least take you out for lunch when I get back?
You can marry me when you get back!
I love you.
Xoxo.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
ALWAYS HATED SUCH ARTICLES,BUT THIS 1 HIT A RAW NERVE!!!
HOW MANY DID U BREAK??? ***CRINGE***
Author:
Stingray
StingRay is the astrologer at Astralis Daily
Horoscopes
10 Mistakes Women Make In Relationships With Men.
Author:
Stingray
Women, no matter what type, have a tendency to unintentionally
push a man\'s buttons in the beginning of a relationship. This
usually leads to the 'Where did I go wrong?', and by this time,
he\'s most likely to avoid any questions you insist on asking him
about it. There are ways to avoid this, and there are ways to
get your questions answered without having him realize he\'s
opening up. Which is a subject in itself. I am going to keep
this as short, and sweet as possible.
These are 10 mistakes women tend to make with their beaus in the
beginning, or start of a relationship, that usually get the
break-up ball rolling. These are in no particular order, as they
can vary in damage from each man. Just try to make a little note
of them, and if you catch yourself in the process of making one,
step back and ask yourself if you might regret your actions
later on.
1. Ladies, men generally know it is their 'responsibility' to
make the phone calls. Unless they are extremely insecure, in
which case why would you bother anyway, they will call you if
they want to talk to you. They will also return your calls to
them, if they want to talk to you. Trust in this, if he is into
you, he WILL call. If he doesn\'t, then be over it. You will only
annoy him, and there is no turning back from being annoying.
This has never failed, and it never will. I know it\'s hard to
fight the urge, but this is worth it in the end.
2. I know it\'s tempting when your snuggled close together to
want to talk about your relationship, and find out where you
stand in all this madness. First off, men are more action
oriented when it comes to love, the fact he is snuggling with
you is his way of showing you he cares about you. Don\'t ruin it
by trying to analyze things. You\'ll find him scooting over and
bringing that arm back from around your shoulders real quick.
Talking about feelings makes it all too much a reality for a
man, and he will close up. You might find a sensitive one here
and there, but better safe than sorry.
3. Stop asking questions about his past girlfriends. A question
or two about why they broke up is fine, you have a right to know
if she tried to kill him. But, too many questions about them can
lead to all sorts of problems, that is including a
reconciliation. You get him thinking about those good old days,
and she might be the one he\'s calling tomorrow.
4. Make it a habit of stepping outside yourself if you find that
you have been babbling on and on. Most men will listen for a
while, but when you start going into how you like to dress your
cat for the fall season, you might want to just show him
Fluffy\'s wardrobe instead of describing it for two hours.
5. Here\'s an important one, at least in the beginning, don\'t
shed any tears. If you\'ve caught a sad movie, he\'ll find it
endearing, but if your sobbing because he forgot to hold your
hand or kiss you goodbye, you are turning him off for sure.
6. This is an oldie, but a goodie. Don\'t be so available. If you
have been out a few times, the next time he asks, say you have
plans. He\'s not going to give up asking you out because you have
a life. Also, if he says he is going out with the boys tell him
how cute you think it is, and that you hope they tear it up and
have a wild time. You will score points with this, and he\'ll be
thinking about you while he\'s out. I guess you could say you\'re
putting a little reverse psychology at work here, but this is
almost always a fail proof tactic.
7. Okay Ladies, let\'s talk about Hallmark cards, greeting cards,
and just about any card you can think of. (Handmade Included)
Unless it\'s a birthday, in which case, you should get something
funny and just sign your name, don\'t give your guy cards with a
short novel written in them, or your latest poetry. This is also
including those long drawn out letters, and if your far away a
letter is okay, but stay away from the hand to hand kind. Every
man I know cringes at the thought of these. I know you want to
pour your heart out, but it\'s too much for a man to swallow when
your first starting out. If he sends them to you, then you can
send them back to him with no worries. But, this is highly
unlikely, I\'m afraid.
8. Most men know that the 'I forgot my (fill in the blank )at
your place' trick, is a sham. Unless he\'s never had any dealings
with women, he knows what your trying to do here. If he wants
you to leave your things at his place, he\'ll say ' Why don\'t you
just leave that here?' This can really creep some men out. If it
really is an accident, they will know you didn\'t mean it. It\'s a
good idea, though, to check and make sure you have everything to
avoid him mistakenly thinking you did it on purpose.
9. Unless he asks you, DON\'T show up at his work. This should be
pretty self explanatory. It\'s a bad idea on so many levels.
10. And last but not least, do not bring up marriage, and all
your hopes for a huge family. If he asks, trust that he\'s not
looking for all the dreams you had when you were 12 years old
about your wedding day, and the gown you designed. Do not talk
about what your kids would look like, and how you would raise
them together to be good caring citizens. If he initiates this
kind of talk, then you can play around with the topic, but keep
it a fun conversation, or he will be dreading he ever brought it
up. Unless your a mail order bride, and going over your
arrangements, this is something you should avoid drumming up a
conversation about.
These are 10 mistakes I see over, and over again. They are made
in many different ways, but almost always have the same negative
result. The most important thing to remember is that men are
different, and they just don\'t move to the same beat as our
drum. It\'s always the best attack to not be like all the other
girls who made him uncomfortable, and just let him have a good
time. In the beginning, let him hold the keys to all the doors
that lead to the 'feeling' rooms. He will open them when he\'s
ready, and lock them for good if you constantly knock on them
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/10-mistakes-women-make-in-relationships-with-men-3428.html
About the AuthorStingRay is the astrologer at Astralis Daily
Horoscopes
Thursday, January 20, 2011
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP aka LDR
It’s been one hell of a ride with this one… But it looks like I am still here (there) (everywhere)
After the emotional weekend, this is an email he sent me on Monday night after a tennis match conversation we had over the phone; during which the phone line connection between Nairobi and Melbourne was crystal clear.
I wondered if it would be necessary to post this.
I believe it is. Just so we can understand where I am. Mentally, Emotionally, Psychologically.
I decided to ask him if it would be okay to post his ‘letter’ (so he calls it) ONLINE…I tried to ask on Tuesday, I couldn’t…I tried on Wednesday and on Thursday night I just blurted it out. Garry is a private person. Doesn’t like his personals aired in public.But then he said “Yeah, go ahead.”
I was pleased :-)…
I did delete a paragraph that I thought was too intimate (for yal to read :-p ) but I have not edited anything else- spelling errors and all.
This should be the last deep and detailed blog about Garry and me.
We are however, now pursuing a happily ever after.
With Love,
Purple
The truth is what this letter is about. No lines no nothing, just you and me.
Saturday night party at my place. Having loads of fun, I knew it was my last night!
Wanted to keep the night out low key say bye to the friends on the rave and Kenya.
But your bro is like “lets go to my place for more drinks?” I change n were off. We fika and
I notice u doing ur art work on the floor but i honestly thought u were covering books....
Nwa I dint take much notice. Later on Im with the fellaz kicking it on the balcony then you came, kind of noticed! Next time I saw u, u were drinking on the round table, i looked again. But i wanted a closer look so i went to the kitchen n thats when we first talked i was like she ait.
Went out to party some more, our paths crossed again(i remember bits and pieces). Truthfully when we went to the ride i was only interested in feeling on you. I was tipsy. Really dint give a fuck, But Hold on when our lips came together energy flowed out from you into my heart which i had chained up and i felt it sparkle. That wasn’t it yet.. I thought to myself this is the perfect last night fling for me before I go. We had sex. During that u told me “look at me." i did more than just look, i saw your beauty. Bado..
WHen I really Started FEELING U was when we started talking we argued a little, joked, flirted ,cuddled and fell asleep. Im thinking wow this is such a nice mama but o well i just have to sahau her. Not actually realising whats going.... I dropped you home knowing thats the end of that, but the problem was 1nce i left couldn’t stop thinking about you. I love how your skin smells forget about perfume, you have this amazing natural smell even if i asked you what perfume you wore and sprayed it,it would be empty coz your scent isn’t there.i loved it so much.
I wasn’t coming to see you l8r on that day, i was supposed to be spending quality time with the folks it being my last day. But i had to see you. I opend your door and there you are dressed in blue laying calm on your bed, the sun rays infused with the curtains and gave the room such a romantic colour and mood. I sayed Hi, you smiled and welcomed me like im the MAN. What a feeling we hugged and kissed and the process of me realizing what i feel for you began. We spoke and i began seeing you beyond your physical, im into the person inside. The way you talk, your attitude, charisma, camaraderie im just astonished how much i like the person, we touch we kiss and thats when the chains i put around my heart disappear. I gaze into your sexy eyes and a rollercoaster of emotions travel through my body. Im scared cz i dnt no what the fuck im feeling. I try to fight it cz i no im not the the type of person to fall for anyone ever. But this round the heart won the mind. You kiss my eyes and i totaly flip. WTF WTF WTF. Simple delicate kiss but it means so much to me.
I dint want to leave but i had to. Distance was separating me from some1 really special but i had to. We spoke and for the 2 days i travelled 'Purple' my darling your all i thought of. Someone like you doesn’t come around everyday i know i have searched.
As i told you before i have never been in a real relationship. I always get scared confused and back out or just avoid them, Over the years i have developed the art of shutting any i want out of my life. Very selfish not caring about any1 but myself which is wrong. Your telling me about your bad Karma? i have treated mamas in the past like dirt-use and abuse. So iv been running knowing my day will come. But i cant keep thinking like that. I live once, i decided to stop running and man up.
The past weekend when i hurt you, that was me being confused. I care so much about u and i have to be sure what i feel for you is real before i can commit myself to you because i care about u so so much and it grows everyday. But i would rather not be with you than to be with you only to break you. Im new at this and super confused. I really don’t want to lose you coz you the full package. I love the way u always call text, the concern and compassion you show makes me want to live forever. I feel the same but i have to learn how to express it coz i haven’t before. Somtimes i need space sometimes i feel like running hopefully youl learn how to handle that situation. I don’t know this or that but i know ur part of me.
Peace and love Ya'll
After the emotional weekend, this is an email he sent me on Monday night after a tennis match conversation we had over the phone; during which the phone line connection between Nairobi and Melbourne was crystal clear.
I wondered if it would be necessary to post this.
I believe it is. Just so we can understand where I am. Mentally, Emotionally, Psychologically.
I decided to ask him if it would be okay to post his ‘letter’ (so he calls it) ONLINE…I tried to ask on Tuesday, I couldn’t…I tried on Wednesday and on Thursday night I just blurted it out. Garry is a private person. Doesn’t like his personals aired in public.But then he said “Yeah, go ahead.”
I was pleased :-)…
I did delete a paragraph that I thought was too intimate (for yal to read :-p ) but I have not edited anything else- spelling errors and all.
This should be the last deep and detailed blog about Garry and me.
We are however, now pursuing a happily ever after.
With Love,
Purple
The truth is what this letter is about. No lines no nothing, just you and me.
Saturday night party at my place. Having loads of fun, I knew it was my last night!
Wanted to keep the night out low key say bye to the friends on the rave and Kenya.
But your bro is like “lets go to my place for more drinks?” I change n were off. We fika and
I notice u doing ur art work on the floor but i honestly thought u were covering books....
Nwa I dint take much notice. Later on Im with the fellaz kicking it on the balcony then you came, kind of noticed! Next time I saw u, u were drinking on the round table, i looked again. But i wanted a closer look so i went to the kitchen n thats when we first talked i was like she ait.
Went out to party some more, our paths crossed again(i remember bits and pieces). Truthfully when we went to the ride i was only interested in feeling on you. I was tipsy. Really dint give a fuck, But Hold on when our lips came together energy flowed out from you into my heart which i had chained up and i felt it sparkle. That wasn’t it yet.. I thought to myself this is the perfect last night fling for me before I go. We had sex. During that u told me “look at me." i did more than just look, i saw your beauty. Bado..
WHen I really Started FEELING U was when we started talking we argued a little, joked, flirted ,cuddled and fell asleep. Im thinking wow this is such a nice mama but o well i just have to sahau her. Not actually realising whats going.... I dropped you home knowing thats the end of that, but the problem was 1nce i left couldn’t stop thinking about you. I love how your skin smells forget about perfume, you have this amazing natural smell even if i asked you what perfume you wore and sprayed it,it would be empty coz your scent isn’t there.i loved it so much.
I wasn’t coming to see you l8r on that day, i was supposed to be spending quality time with the folks it being my last day. But i had to see you. I opend your door and there you are dressed in blue laying calm on your bed, the sun rays infused with the curtains and gave the room such a romantic colour and mood. I sayed Hi, you smiled and welcomed me like im the MAN. What a feeling we hugged and kissed and the process of me realizing what i feel for you began. We spoke and i began seeing you beyond your physical, im into the person inside. The way you talk, your attitude, charisma, camaraderie im just astonished how much i like the person, we touch we kiss and thats when the chains i put around my heart disappear. I gaze into your sexy eyes and a rollercoaster of emotions travel through my body. Im scared cz i dnt no what the fuck im feeling. I try to fight it cz i no im not the the type of person to fall for anyone ever. But this round the heart won the mind. You kiss my eyes and i totaly flip. WTF WTF WTF. Simple delicate kiss but it means so much to me.
I dint want to leave but i had to. Distance was separating me from some1 really special but i had to. We spoke and for the 2 days i travelled 'Purple' my darling your all i thought of. Someone like you doesn’t come around everyday i know i have searched.
As i told you before i have never been in a real relationship. I always get scared confused and back out or just avoid them, Over the years i have developed the art of shutting any i want out of my life. Very selfish not caring about any1 but myself which is wrong. Your telling me about your bad Karma? i have treated mamas in the past like dirt-use and abuse. So iv been running knowing my day will come. But i cant keep thinking like that. I live once, i decided to stop running and man up.
The past weekend when i hurt you, that was me being confused. I care so much about u and i have to be sure what i feel for you is real before i can commit myself to you because i care about u so so much and it grows everyday. But i would rather not be with you than to be with you only to break you. Im new at this and super confused. I really don’t want to lose you coz you the full package. I love the way u always call text, the concern and compassion you show makes me want to live forever. I feel the same but i have to learn how to express it coz i haven’t before. Somtimes i need space sometimes i feel like running hopefully youl learn how to handle that situation. I don’t know this or that but i know ur part of me.
Peace and love Ya'll
Sunday, January 16, 2011
HALTED
“Baby, baby, baby
From the day I saw you
I really really want to catch your eye
There's something special 'bout you
I must really like you
Cause not a lotta guys are worth my time
Ooo baby, baby, baby
It's gettin kind of crazy
Cause you are takin over my mind”
You don’t know my name
“I know you have said to me
This is exactly how it should be when it’s meant to be
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gon do something bout it
We should do right now”
Unthinkable
“Well you could try sleeping in my bed”
Try sleeping with a broken heart
ALICIA KEYS
One day he was telling me that he was online looking at the rates for airline tickets, asking me of I was sure coming in June was okay because it would be winter in Melbourne, asking me if I’m okay with him calling me in the middle of the night because it would be morning in Melbourne and he wants to hear my voice… and then a couple of days later, I happily and naively ask if he’s going to ask me to be his valentine and he chats back (on gmail chat) “Maybe…(smiley face)” – Warning.
Two days, silence – Warning
I called and ask why he didn’t call me when he said he would
“I told you I’m not very good with communication. I told you this wouldn’t be easy. The time difference is a killer. I’ll call you later”
Later. Two days and one night later...
I’m angry that he hasn’t made any sort of communication whatsoever until now. Not even a text to say I miss you or have a nice day. Nothing.
In a moment of vulnerability, intense emotion, sadness and a tang of booz, I send him a text asking if he’s still waiting for my answer as to whether I want to be his girl. Do you still want be my man? I will be good to you and love you. Call me tomorrow, anytime; day or night”
Next morning, he calls and I run out of the apartment in the hope of getting a clear connection cuz the lines between Nairobi and Melbourne are a nightmare.
“Call me back in a minute babe. Let me run and get the keys to the pool house cuz the network is much better there” I exhale
“Okay”… he mutters.
One minute later, my phone rings again.
“Heelloooo ” (happiness)
“Hey… So how was XYZ last night?” he asks
“It was okay. I came home early though. Still not in the party mood”
“You should have fun Purple. Why would you want to stay home?”
This sort of takes me aback. Why is he talking like that? And doesn’t he like that nowadays I like to stay home. What’s going on with him lately.
“Well did you get my text last night?” I ignore his comment and try to save the conversation from a fight
“Oh yeah. I did. It really jazzed me…”
“okay”
“yeah..”
“And…?” at this point, pain starts to creep into my heart.
And then he says something and I don’t quite hear what. After that, the whole conversation turns to ati whats and please say that again’s
“I’ll call you when I get a better connection” he yells into the speaker
“Wait!...and when is that going to be? You have been quiet of late. I text you and you don’t reply. I email you, no response. I mean and now you’ve called me for 2 minutes and your fine with not talking to me till God knows when?”
“Purple, I WILL call you!...Okay. In the evening. Your time. Today.
“Don’t call…” I mumble
“Come on what is it?”
And I begin explaining how he’s 8 hours ahead of me and he never communicates until its night in Nairobi, meaning he goes through his whole day not halaing at me. In the while, im at my office at 10.00am saying to myself, “It’s six pm in Melbourne and no text, no email, no inbox from Garry all day – his day”. I also point out that I had to ask his cousin the other day Jeremy (also in Australia) to tell him (Garry) that I want to talk to him (this was before he had his own phone line. I mean what if I never texted Jeremy, would we even be here talking today?
“So as in Garry, just don’t call me if you’re not going to try and communicate better” I finish, fingers crossed, legs crossed, heart crossed, eyes shut…
“Okay.” And the line goes dead.
I look at my phone. Did he just hang up on me?! And then my eyes get hot and I’m stung by the gush of tears.
I start to panic! Should I call back? Oh my God. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
I call back. He doesn’t pick. I hang up. Fuck. Now I’m crying and breathing heavy...I turn my face away from the windows of the apartments facing the pool area and I stare at the river running below. Nairobi River…Black, polluted, and moving in a slow miserable almost dead slither.
My phone rings! I almost drop it. The number +614 never looked so beautiful.
“Babe did you hang up on me?” I cry
“No.” he lies. “Try and enjoy your day today ok. I’ll call you when I have a better connection. Or maybe tomorrow” And the phone goes dead again.
I didn’t even get to say anything…
Can I just say, that that was the worst day I had since I found out Baby was cheating on me three years ago.
Do I need to explain how long I cried? i can smell a break up from a planet away.
No wonder he was silent. No wonder he just suddenly isn’t good with communication. He’s not feeling me anymore!
But he asked me to be his girlfriend. And what about the airline tickets he was looking at? And the whole “I have never connected so well with anyone before” speech. And what about when he asked if I still sleep with his sweater? And when I mentioned that I could go to Melbourne for my masters instead of Philladelphia/New York (mY dream!), he was ecstatic. Where did that go???
In matters of the heart I always prefer to suffer in silence. But I couldn’t this time. I called *Daisy. Literally waking her up and just bawling. I mean she had no idea what was going on, she was trying to understand me while still trying to be sympathetic and I was just throwing phrases like “You see what I mean!??” and “I don’t understand why”. Very unnatural place for me; crying on someone’s shoulder, but so is seeing the man of your dreams, have him see you and lure you into his cask and then roll you down the hill while you’re still in it.
On Sunday, I can’t stand the silence and uncertainty. So I text
“Better connection today?”
He responds, “Call you in 30 minutes”
I calculate the time difference; it’s about 8pm in Melbourne… He must be at home... I think. Who knows. I don’t know him…!
The phone rings…I get this sick sick feeling at the pit of my stomach. I pick.
“Hello?” I try to sound cheerful
“Hey beautiful…”
“how u doin?”
“Oh well you know…mild hangover. Just chilling” His accent is going in and out: Kenyan and Brooklyn New York-ish
“Okay… so… um…” I start
“Yeah… Mayn, I don’t know what’s going on…” And then silence
“You don’t know what’s going on?” he starts to test my temper
“Yeah. Like… I don’t know. I don’t think this going to work out Purple”
Do you remember how you felt when you did your KCSE and you were on your way to school to pick up your results. The results that teachers, parents, cousins and just about everyone who had authority over you said would determine your LIFE forever… Do you remember how it felt when you were walking up to the office to pick your result’s slip and what was racing through your mind when you were ripping that envelope? How your eyes tried to stabilize as you read the grade at the bottom of the transcript? The feeling just before you saw your grade?
That feeling, everyday, for a week combined with the terror that engulfs you just before you realize there’s a speeding truck about to slam into your car and you’re in it; that’s how this felt.
My heart BROKE.
See, I am aware that I don’t even know Garry. That we met once and I fell once. I realize this. I’ve met tones of guys and been in useless relationships and moved on with my life without a hiccup (I mean u have been following my blog yes?) but Garry…! This was my forever.
I had decided to write down an extremely detailed list of the kind of partner I wanted. You know, like they tell you to in every other self help single-girl book there is in the world. And that list would make my heart skip a beat whenever I thought of ever possibly meeting this Man. I’d settle because I liked a guy and I’d let myself be wooed and you know relationshiped just cuz well, he was there and I did have feelings for him. Is there love at first sight? Absofuckingloutley. I’ve watched people talk about it, I’ve read about it etc and I believe in it. When I first saw Garry, this is exactly what happened to me. I told him he was the first guy I had ever met who I liked everything about. Even his ugly toe.
I woke up last night at half past 2 because I heard my brother’s phone ring/beep when a message came in. His room is across the hall from mine right, and it woke me up. I thought it was my phone. I thought it was Garry texting (because surely, he doesn’t want to wake his Queen by calling) to tell me he just realized he made a huge mistake. Ten seconds later I was swimming in a salty ocean of tears and unbearable pain. And so I prayed, “For whatever reason You let Garry come into my life, and for whatever reason he now doesn’t what to be with me, please, take this pain away…I’m begging”
I opened the messages in my phone. One in particular saddened me the most. I had texted him saying that I had never heard of a long distance relationship working and he had replied “Neither have I baby. But what to do…? I want to be with you” He did want to be with me.
Yeah? I donno
I don’t know what changed his mind.
Here I go again.
Hello 2011. Please, take me slow.
Peace & Love Yall
From the day I saw you
I really really want to catch your eye
There's something special 'bout you
I must really like you
Cause not a lotta guys are worth my time
Ooo baby, baby, baby
It's gettin kind of crazy
Cause you are takin over my mind”
You don’t know my name
“I know you have said to me
This is exactly how it should be when it’s meant to be
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gon do something bout it
We should do right now”
Unthinkable
“Well you could try sleeping in my bed”
Try sleeping with a broken heart
ALICIA KEYS
One day he was telling me that he was online looking at the rates for airline tickets, asking me of I was sure coming in June was okay because it would be winter in Melbourne, asking me if I’m okay with him calling me in the middle of the night because it would be morning in Melbourne and he wants to hear my voice… and then a couple of days later, I happily and naively ask if he’s going to ask me to be his valentine and he chats back (on gmail chat) “Maybe…(smiley face)” – Warning.
Two days, silence – Warning
I called and ask why he didn’t call me when he said he would
“I told you I’m not very good with communication. I told you this wouldn’t be easy. The time difference is a killer. I’ll call you later”
Later. Two days and one night later...
I’m angry that he hasn’t made any sort of communication whatsoever until now. Not even a text to say I miss you or have a nice day. Nothing.
In a moment of vulnerability, intense emotion, sadness and a tang of booz, I send him a text asking if he’s still waiting for my answer as to whether I want to be his girl. Do you still want be my man? I will be good to you and love you. Call me tomorrow, anytime; day or night”
Next morning, he calls and I run out of the apartment in the hope of getting a clear connection cuz the lines between Nairobi and Melbourne are a nightmare.
“Call me back in a minute babe. Let me run and get the keys to the pool house cuz the network is much better there” I exhale
“Okay”… he mutters.
One minute later, my phone rings again.
“Heelloooo ” (happiness)
“Hey… So how was XYZ last night?” he asks
“It was okay. I came home early though. Still not in the party mood”
“You should have fun Purple. Why would you want to stay home?”
This sort of takes me aback. Why is he talking like that? And doesn’t he like that nowadays I like to stay home. What’s going on with him lately.
“Well did you get my text last night?” I ignore his comment and try to save the conversation from a fight
“Oh yeah. I did. It really jazzed me…”
“okay”
“yeah..”
“And…?” at this point, pain starts to creep into my heart.
And then he says something and I don’t quite hear what. After that, the whole conversation turns to ati whats and please say that again’s
“I’ll call you when I get a better connection” he yells into the speaker
“Wait!...and when is that going to be? You have been quiet of late. I text you and you don’t reply. I email you, no response. I mean and now you’ve called me for 2 minutes and your fine with not talking to me till God knows when?”
“Purple, I WILL call you!...Okay. In the evening. Your time. Today.
“Don’t call…” I mumble
“Come on what is it?”
And I begin explaining how he’s 8 hours ahead of me and he never communicates until its night in Nairobi, meaning he goes through his whole day not halaing at me. In the while, im at my office at 10.00am saying to myself, “It’s six pm in Melbourne and no text, no email, no inbox from Garry all day – his day”. I also point out that I had to ask his cousin the other day Jeremy (also in Australia) to tell him (Garry) that I want to talk to him (this was before he had his own phone line. I mean what if I never texted Jeremy, would we even be here talking today?
“So as in Garry, just don’t call me if you’re not going to try and communicate better” I finish, fingers crossed, legs crossed, heart crossed, eyes shut…
“Okay.” And the line goes dead.
I look at my phone. Did he just hang up on me?! And then my eyes get hot and I’m stung by the gush of tears.
I start to panic! Should I call back? Oh my God. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
I call back. He doesn’t pick. I hang up. Fuck. Now I’m crying and breathing heavy...I turn my face away from the windows of the apartments facing the pool area and I stare at the river running below. Nairobi River…Black, polluted, and moving in a slow miserable almost dead slither.
My phone rings! I almost drop it. The number +614 never looked so beautiful.
“Babe did you hang up on me?” I cry
“No.” he lies. “Try and enjoy your day today ok. I’ll call you when I have a better connection. Or maybe tomorrow” And the phone goes dead again.
I didn’t even get to say anything…
Can I just say, that that was the worst day I had since I found out Baby was cheating on me three years ago.
Do I need to explain how long I cried? i can smell a break up from a planet away.
No wonder he was silent. No wonder he just suddenly isn’t good with communication. He’s not feeling me anymore!
But he asked me to be his girlfriend. And what about the airline tickets he was looking at? And the whole “I have never connected so well with anyone before” speech. And what about when he asked if I still sleep with his sweater? And when I mentioned that I could go to Melbourne for my masters instead of Philladelphia/New York (mY dream!), he was ecstatic. Where did that go???
In matters of the heart I always prefer to suffer in silence. But I couldn’t this time. I called *Daisy. Literally waking her up and just bawling. I mean she had no idea what was going on, she was trying to understand me while still trying to be sympathetic and I was just throwing phrases like “You see what I mean!??” and “I don’t understand why”. Very unnatural place for me; crying on someone’s shoulder, but so is seeing the man of your dreams, have him see you and lure you into his cask and then roll you down the hill while you’re still in it.
On Sunday, I can’t stand the silence and uncertainty. So I text
“Better connection today?”
He responds, “Call you in 30 minutes”
I calculate the time difference; it’s about 8pm in Melbourne… He must be at home... I think. Who knows. I don’t know him…!
The phone rings…I get this sick sick feeling at the pit of my stomach. I pick.
“Hello?” I try to sound cheerful
“Hey beautiful…”
“how u doin?”
“Oh well you know…mild hangover. Just chilling” His accent is going in and out: Kenyan and Brooklyn New York-ish
“Okay… so… um…” I start
“Yeah… Mayn, I don’t know what’s going on…” And then silence
“You don’t know what’s going on?” he starts to test my temper
“Yeah. Like… I don’t know. I don’t think this going to work out Purple”
Do you remember how you felt when you did your KCSE and you were on your way to school to pick up your results. The results that teachers, parents, cousins and just about everyone who had authority over you said would determine your LIFE forever… Do you remember how it felt when you were walking up to the office to pick your result’s slip and what was racing through your mind when you were ripping that envelope? How your eyes tried to stabilize as you read the grade at the bottom of the transcript? The feeling just before you saw your grade?
That feeling, everyday, for a week combined with the terror that engulfs you just before you realize there’s a speeding truck about to slam into your car and you’re in it; that’s how this felt.
My heart BROKE.
See, I am aware that I don’t even know Garry. That we met once and I fell once. I realize this. I’ve met tones of guys and been in useless relationships and moved on with my life without a hiccup (I mean u have been following my blog yes?) but Garry…! This was my forever.
I had decided to write down an extremely detailed list of the kind of partner I wanted. You know, like they tell you to in every other self help single-girl book there is in the world. And that list would make my heart skip a beat whenever I thought of ever possibly meeting this Man. I’d settle because I liked a guy and I’d let myself be wooed and you know relationshiped just cuz well, he was there and I did have feelings for him. Is there love at first sight? Absofuckingloutley. I’ve watched people talk about it, I’ve read about it etc and I believe in it. When I first saw Garry, this is exactly what happened to me. I told him he was the first guy I had ever met who I liked everything about. Even his ugly toe.
I woke up last night at half past 2 because I heard my brother’s phone ring/beep when a message came in. His room is across the hall from mine right, and it woke me up. I thought it was my phone. I thought it was Garry texting (because surely, he doesn’t want to wake his Queen by calling) to tell me he just realized he made a huge mistake. Ten seconds later I was swimming in a salty ocean of tears and unbearable pain. And so I prayed, “For whatever reason You let Garry come into my life, and for whatever reason he now doesn’t what to be with me, please, take this pain away…I’m begging”
I opened the messages in my phone. One in particular saddened me the most. I had texted him saying that I had never heard of a long distance relationship working and he had replied “Neither have I baby. But what to do…? I want to be with you” He did want to be with me.
Yeah? I donno
I don’t know what changed his mind.
Here I go again.
Hello 2011. Please, take me slow.
Peace & Love Yall
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
TWENTY FOUR HOURS
TWENTY FOUR HOURS
When I went up country for Christmas, something changed in me. More like, settled in me. I didn’t know if it was permanent or temporary, but I liked it.
*Daisy and I had promised each other that we would be each other’s dates for new year’s eve. If you’ve been keeping tabs on my blog, you know im single. Daisy is also single, and let me just say I am so proud of her for leaving her ex! He reminds me so much of Baby!!!
However when 31st came around I wasn’t feeling it at all. The rave that is. So many times in the last 2 months I have gone out and im like, “why am I here…” (on the rave). I didn’t have a man, the men on the rave were just not for me… and yeah, I was looking for a man. A lover , a friend, a companion. I knew what I wanted.
I would find myself staring into space, (on the rave) with this feeling of dread and loneliness and suddenly, I would want to go home. And when I got home, I was so happy to go to bed. This happened so many times and when I had enough of it, I just stopped going out. Again, whether it was permanent or temporary I didn’t know, but I was liking it
I started to think what I would replace this time with… the Friday and Saturday nights. Movies, my art, and … well that’s all I had. I was tired of the night scene and if anything, I have been a single girl partying for almost a year now and not met the kind of man I wanted. So if I changed my scene, maybe I would find my man right? Sounded convincing to me. Whatever. Man or no man, catch me dead on the rave on New Year’s Eve.
I ditched Daisy on 31st. I felt really bad because I would have loved to go to Naivasha with her but I also knew I would wind up being the party pooper; quiet, lonely, and lost in fantasy.
That night I stayed home alone with five candles, popcorn and Gabriel ‘coco’ Channel’s life story movie. I enjoyed myself to bits! At midnight, I watched the fireworks from my balcony, kissed my imaginary boyfriend and went to bed at 1 am.
On January 8th, 2011, I opted to leave Quinnz (after the rugby game at impala) before nightfall cuz I wasn’t interested in partying. I got home. What to do… decided to take out my art work. My parents were away for the weekend and so my brother *David was not home, and neither was the car…more time for me then. I spilled my art supplies on the floor and started to construct a view finder. It was ridiculously demanding and I was sweating and cursing but I loved it. At 10.30 pm David strolls in with the house shopping (really at 10.30?!!), tiptoes across the mess ive made on the floor and informs me, rather than asking, that he is having four friends over for a few drinks. I was cross with him!!! All my shit was on the floor and I was already half way and if I moved it would mess everything I had been working on. After an argument though, his boys were coming.
Ten minutes later, you could hear loud late night revelries from the parking lot. Surely I hadn’t even moved my stuff. A second later the door bell rang and a huge influx of youth splurged into the living room. This wasn’t four people. This was more like fourteen people!!!
Everyone was nice though, even the drunkish girl who walked over me rushing to the toilet as I was tried to pick up my art supplies. A few minutes later David was pouring me a drink and I was in on the fun. Well kinda… I decided to sit on the dining table away from the ‘celebrations’. A couple of times though a bunch of them would come and make small talk with me, which was cool.
I needed a cigarette. I went to the balcony. There was three guys sitting on the couch there but I couldn’t really see their faces because it was pitch black. How many fucking people are there here!
“Hi, I’m Garry,” the one on the furthest left said halfway standing up. And then the other two follwed.
“Hi… Hi… Hi… I’m Purple, David’s sister” I responded smiling.
I decided I was going to smoke on the other balcony at the back of the house behind the kitchen and made some lame excuse why. I didn’t want to smoke in front of these kids.
So I left.
As I sat on the stool at the back of the house and puffed away, I thought about Gary. Briefly. I didn’t see his face but he felt, over powering – to me. He had a huge frame and a deep voice. I lost trail of that thought and thought about David…his friends were really cool. They had already made me laugh so much in a span of like 30 min .
When I got back in, I saw Garry standing by the TV and my gaze froze. He was this might huge guy with a beautiful smile and dark skin. The way his eyes nose and mouth were placed on his face was just….amazing. He caught me staring and like I had been stung in my eye I turned away.
At some point, I went to the kitchen to refill. Garry walked in behind me and sat on the counter without invitation. He said hello, again, and I smiled… “Hey” and stopped my self from almost saying “kiddo!”
“So your David’s younger sister?” he asked.
“No, elder sister.” I smiled trying not to blush.
“oh really! So you’re the one he had to check with before we could come here?”
“Is that what he said he was doing?” I asked
“Yeah… Just before we came.”
As we spoke some more it turned out he was older than me. The girl who rushed into the bathroom and some other guy in the house were his siblings and he met my brother through them.
I watched him smile as he spoke, looking at how his mouth burst into a smile when I said something funny… His shoulders were so wide. I thought about lying on his chest. And his lips were full and unmistakably African. My mind was already racing to the future… he’s perfect, I thought. He laughed again and his deep voiced, almost childish laughter choired in my ears. I fell for him instantly. And he was flirting! What was that he said about my smile? That he liked it?
And just then, this girl walked into the kitchen and walked towards Garry. She placed her hands on his lap and they started to have this conversation. At this point one of David’s friends was yelling for me to go to the living room with the bottle of vodka. I obeyed immediately and walked away. I saw from the corner of my eye Garry follow me out of the kitchen with his gaze.
That girl must be his girlfriend, I thought. She was skinny and tall and had braces. She clad in a tight skimpy black dress and what seemed like ten inch heels.
Shame on him for flirting with me while his babe was around! I had seen them talk earlier and jump up to the same music.
I carried my drink to my room and sipped in agony. I asked God why he would bring such a handsome man on the path of my life and have him taken. I was upset more so because I had nobody. I had never been single for so long. Its been months!! And months.
I dozed off and woke up to a less noisy house. It was around 1 am. I went to the living room and found David and his two best friends, *shiko and *john in the living room laughing drunkedly. I asked where everyone was. What I really wanted to ask was where Gary was. My brother said that they went home. Oh well okay. I took a shower and after that, David came knocking on my door asking if I wanted to go to the rave with them. No way hozay, I said. Shiko and John then peeped into the room… come on David’s Big sis, lets just goooo. Im flyiying out tomorrow come on, John pleaded. I was adamant. I wasn’t going. But they wouldn’t budge. So I said okay okay but if I get bored im coming home! David was so excited. My brother and me and are only close when it comes to movies so seeing him excited to want to hang out with me made want to go.
Psys will always be Psys. Crowded, Loud music, hot, and familiar faces. That feeling of dread started to creep up on me. I shook it off. Can I atleast try and enjoy myself! I stood in the sea of people and thought how nice my bed would feel… and then I saw him. Garry. My heart did a BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM!!! There he was at the back in his black Chuck Bass jacket looking like a demigod. My god you are so handsome, I whispered to myself. Omigod this is fate. And then I saw Braces Babe appear next to him. Argh this chik!!! I double checked my outfit and pursed my lips trying to spread my red lip gloss. I tried to make him notice me by standing right in front of his eye level.
David suddenly shouted in my ear, distracting my thoughts, “there is Melany!” I had called her before leaving the house to ask her where she was just in case my brothers’ friends bored me. We had decided to meet up at Psys. I rushed to her and we hugged and I shouted in her ear, “I have just seen the most beautiful man in the world. She shouted back “WHEEEEEERE!!!” and I pulled her behind me and stood about three feet away from Garry with my back towards him. Facing Melany, I said “ this guy, right here” I pointed behind me, “…with the black jacket…”
Melany frowned, “This guy???!!!”
She was pointing right above my shoulder.
“I know this guy!!!” she shouted.
He was here, saying hello to Melany. They hugged. And then he looked at me. I could swear to God he looked at me with warm romantic eyes yah!
Just go with the flow its how I felt. And then he hugged me. My body vapourized. Oh lawd he was so big. I want to marry you. What did you say? Nice to see you? Where did you go, you left me in the kitchen?
Whaaaaaat? I asked!!
“You look sexy, I like your red mini dress”….!
“OHHHHH , Thanks.” I blushed until the inside of my vagina.
“Lets go outside its too hot in here!” he yelled
“Okay” I yelled back. “Wait what about your girlfriend?”
“Who?”
“that girl with the braces? And long hair? Black dress?”
“Oh *Mary!!! My COUSIN!”
“Your cousin?!”
“Are you saying I’m incestuous?!” he joked
“No!!!” I laughed!
He held my hand and led me outside. Behind him, I felt like a feather; light as air. I was looking at how his jeans lay on his butt. Omigod, this guy…!
We got to his car…
“Back seat?” he asked
“What?” I responded.
“Yeah, I lets talk” he said. No expression.
“Well I though you meant outside. On the side walk…”
“Come on, its okay” he said.
“hey look, im not some babe your gana, you know… at the back of a car.!”
“Okay… But I just wanna talk… I want to get to know you. We’ll sit in front then,”
I didn’t want to be pushy so I got in. But I couldn’t help but think that he was just like every other guy. I was not pleased.
10 minutes into talking though, we were getting along. He was so nice to talk to and he laughed at my jokes. I ramble sometimes… and he told me about himself and what he does. We taaaaaaaaalked and talked. About relationships, lust, school, movies fashion! And finally when I was comfortable, he leaned in for a kiss.
I melted like butter on toast.
We made out. And I mean made out. His demeanour was so large. He made the car feel cramped, that turned me on. He lifted me to the passenger’s side. Everything was so soft and slow and deep. And then he said, “ You know we really click…”
“yeah I guess”, I said trying to act indifferent. And he was like “where have you been all holiday?” woooo rooomance!!!
I started to panic cuz of the cops that normally come and bust people doing it in the car so I asked him to stop.
I walked back to the club to fix my hair and was hit by the familiar heat wave from the dance floor. When I found Garry again, he was waiting for me. We sat somewhere.
Did I mention that this was his last nigh in Kenya? That he was leaving for Melbourne Australia the next day ay 11pm? No?
I was devastated but too happy to mourn.
I asked if I was going to see him the next day at least to say goodbye. He said that he had to take his folks to church in the morning and then there’s a family lunch in the afternoon and then there’s I donno what in the evening and he needs to pack and his folks would be cross with him if disappeared on his last day.
“Well, if you really want to seeme like you say you do, you’ll find a way…”
My brother came to us and said that him and two other ppl were going to finish up the night at our place. He asked if I was coming with him. I said yeah of course and started to stand up.
Garry held my hand and asked me to stay “I’ll take you home Purple”
.
“No, why don’t you come over we hang out at my house?”
“ Okay, I’ll come but can I drive with you? In my car?”
“Yeah sure if we ‘re leaving now…” I said hoping that he would say yes. I didn’t want to let him go but also not wanting to give in too easy.
“okay.” He stood up and kissed me.
In the car was him, me and braces babe. She was very young. My brother’s age. Well im 22 and shes 19 so to me that’s youuuung. Garry had to drop her home. And then we would go to my house. It turned out she lives on the same street as Baby did.
As we were driving away from Brace Babes house approaching the main road, Garry said
“I live right across the road. We can go over to my house and hang out…I’ll bring u home in the cox.”
“Are you fucking kidding me!!! All this was cuz you wanted to chipo me?!!!” I was furious!!!
“No! your house is 2 min away from here I just thought that we can stay at mine for a little bit since your bro went with a mob back to your house…!”
“Take me home.”
“Come on, baby (I was baby now). It’s my last night… I just want to spend time with you.”
And then the flash of the cartoon/animation movies of the terrier dog and poodle was it, came to mind. There was this scene, it was the terrier’s last night; he was going to be put to sleep the next day. And he used this line to get the poodle to sleep with him. Or was it that movie with the dogs that talk, Look Who’s Talking?
“Oh coz its your last night your looking for a quick shag?!”
“No. I just want to cuddle. Didn’t you say you felt it too… this energy between us?” he said, all Barry White voiced.
“No way. Home. Please. If you want to see me, you can come tomorrow. If you don’t come well then there was no energy. Me I’m not a chipo, Wat the hell”
“Okay…. Fine. To your house then…” he said, sad.
He started the car.
“Wait…” his reverse psychology was working…
“Purple, I just want more time with you. Alone…” he said reinforcing his plea
“Okay…”
Without another word the car roared to life and we crossed the road straight to the other side.
2 minutes really was 2 minutes. More like 30 seconds. His house was right there. And it was BIG. It was pitch black but I could see the white of the house reflecting from the moonlight. We walked around a couple of corners. At the back of a wall he turned towards me and pinned me on the bricks and we kissed. My heart was beating so fast I thought I would run out of breath. He pressed onto me and I felt his erection. I was moist in my panties. Cuddling my ass!
He took my hand again and led me across this lawn to like a guest house. Out of nowhere, five dogs hopped towards us. “Shit theyre ganna bark!!!” I hissed.
“No, the wont.”
They licked my naked legs and one of them hopped onto Garry. He laughed. I fell even more for this man. Those of you who know me know my love for animals. He tried to shoo them away but they followed us to the door, also not making a sound as if they could tell that we were trying to be quiet.
Once in the house/room, Garry hugged me and said… “If you don’t want to do anything, we wont.” I didn’t respond. Of course this meant, I want us to fuck.
All I will say is that the rest is history.
This ginourmous man blanketed me. He was strong. Like a gentle beast. And everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever wrote about on my wish list to the universe, everything I dreamed about during boring meetings at work, everything.
At 9am, in his arms, we were woken up by a knock on the window. “GAARRRY! Weh, Garry get the fuck up.”
I was the first to wake up. I shook him to consciousness. “Whaaaat Sam!” Gary’s voice broke.
It was his little brother. He was telling Garry that he needed to wake up because he was taking everyone to church that day. And that he should remember that Mom wanted to talk to him about something important that day over lunch. Also, he should remember how he tells his little brother to be responsible and that now it was his turn to act responsibly.
“Shut up Sammy” He yelled from the bed. It was comical really. I looked at my watch. If my folks had been home there is no wayyyy I would have spent the night there. Another reason why I thought this was fate. If not fate at least something close.
“Tell her I’m not home and go away man”
“No I want to skive church! I’ve just come from Westy man. You take them to church and let me sleep here.” Sammy said into the window. In a family of eight children, I guess one kid missing from church could go unnoticed.
Garry woke up and marched to the window. One can’t see the bed from that specific window by the way… I then heard him hiss “I have a girl here okay, fuck off!”
And then Sammy’s voice tones down to a whisper too and I heard muffled laughter and slapping around. And whats that noise? Are those condoms being passed over.
Back in bed, on his wide chest, I tried to savour the moment. We started to chat.
It started to get emotional. He asked me if I would wait for him if he asked me too. I said yes. He went back and said that asking me to do that for him would be selfish… I said it felt like we knew each other for ages. He couldn’t agree more. After about an hour of trying to figure things out, I realised I was very much into this guy. My heart was already in love with him. Maybe not real love, but you know, fallacy love. My mind was fond of him. He asked me, how much I felt for him. I said 9, on a scale of 1 to 10. He said, “get to 11 baby. I’ll be waiting”
After everybody was in church, we walked out.
This was the first time I had ever been chipod. I was a chips funga and this right here to the car in my red mini dress in the scorching of the Sunday sun was my walk of shame. Garry opened for me the door and kissed me and then looked at me. He started to walk away and I pulled him back to me. “Please stay. You don’t start school till March right?”
“ I have to go. I need to work baby.”
He turned around and went to the driver’s seat.
We spoke very little on the way to my house. I held his hand but he seemed unresponsive. What the hell was wrong with him? Is this how chiboz are dumped? Oh god I should have known.
We got to my house. I’ll call you baby. He kissed me goodbye and left.
At 2pm, I went to Masai market and started to pick out stuff to give Garry. I know he said we couldn’t meet but I couldn’t sleep and I was thinking about him all day. Maybe I can give Daisy this stuff and shell mail it to him once she gets to Adelaide (Australia).
I bought a Tusker tshit, A ‘Proudly Kenyan’ Tshit and a key holder. Then I went home. I took a shower and went to bed. Garry Garry Garry Garry, that was what was in my head.
At 4.30pm, my cell rang. “Are you at home Baby?”
His voice thrust me into complete happiness! “YES YES I am…”
“I’m a minute from your house”
“Really?!!!”
“yeah?... I told you I’d come.”
“No you didn’t!”
“Yes I did” he was laughing. Oh that sweet laugh.
Whatever okay im home.
He walked into my bedroom and I planted the hugest kiss on him!
I showed him his presents. He was so excited about the Tshirts. Especially the Tusker one saying that they were like gold in Australia. We cuddled in bed for a long time talking.
We made love again and again.
His flight was at 11 pm. He was meant to be at the airport by 8pm. At 7.15pm he was in my arms and I was kissing the scars on his face when his phone rang for the a millionth time.
That was when we realised the time. He hadn’t even packed!
“Please stay!” I begged.
“I can’t baby!!!”
We hugged and held each other. I told him I could wait for him. He said that he cant let me do that because 11 months was a long time.
He asked me if I would be feeling him like this if he wasn’t leaving in 3 hours. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Of course I would! There is absolutely nothing about you that I do not like (wanted to say love). You’re perfect. But I know he was right. I am very stingy with guys and I play hard to get. I don’t approach, I wait to be approached etc etc… all these female empowerment books, I lived by them like they were my bible. But Gary was different. I didn’t care that I was begging him to stay. And I had never fallen this fast for anyone.
I walked him to his car. My brother was all awkward cuz this was his boy. Ok whatever.
We kissed. Not like we kissed in the bedroom. A quick, awkward kiss. And he disappeared. Gone.
I went to have a shower and I cried my lungs out. I cried so hard that my throat became sore. I thanked God for bringing Gary into my life but cursed Him for taking him away. I cried. I cried and cried. One hour later, I resurrected from the steam in the shower and went to bed.
I got a text from him, “That was the best 24 hours I have ever had”
I wanted to say, I LOVE YOU, don’t go, but I replied “I feel the same. Call me at the airport love”
We talked until the very last minute. And finally he texted and said, “Taking off with your heart, My Queen”.
I will never delete his messages from my phone.
I spent the next day, Monday 10th telling Daisy all about him. She was shocked. She couldn’t believe all this had happened. Every sentence had Gary in it. Every hour I checked my phone to see if he had called me from Bangkok where he connected his flight. I was resuming work on Tuesday the following day.
I was replaying every moment with him over and over. I looked at the pics we took before bed. I woke up wearing his jumper.
I went to work humming his name.
I need to snap out of this shit man. He’s gone. But I couldn’t.
Three hours ago, I was on my way home from work. Its Tuesday evening. My phone vibrated in my bag. I recognised the number, it was Australian. I screamed for the tout to stop fucking the car. I jumped out.
I picked up the phone
“HELLO!!!!!”
“Hey baby…”
“Gary!!!!” I shouted. I crossed the road and got into Jivanjee Gardens. Crazy how I crossed the road.
The first thing he said was “Dew, I’ve missed you so much”
Did he just call me Dew? That was my middle tribes name. My heart. Oh my heart. The way I felt when he said those words.
I was so happy to hear his voice.
After asking me how my day was, he said, I want to ask you something but you have to think about it okay…
“Okay”
“Purple I want you to be my girl…”
“Omigod whaaat!”
“Just think about it okay…”
“Okaay!!!!”
“cuz its gana be hard baby… if you want to, its gana be hard.”
“I knoooow… Omigod”
“I want to pay for a ticket for you to come here!”
“OH Christ Gary!”
“I haven’t even called my folks you know. I just landed. I miss you. Youre the only person I thought about for the entire flight. Do you want to be with me? Cuz if youre ready im ready.” Etc etc etc etc
I was so happy!
Oh shit I cant believe this.
Im in a spin right now.
With Love,
Purple
When I went up country for Christmas, something changed in me. More like, settled in me. I didn’t know if it was permanent or temporary, but I liked it.
*Daisy and I had promised each other that we would be each other’s dates for new year’s eve. If you’ve been keeping tabs on my blog, you know im single. Daisy is also single, and let me just say I am so proud of her for leaving her ex! He reminds me so much of Baby!!!
However when 31st came around I wasn’t feeling it at all. The rave that is. So many times in the last 2 months I have gone out and im like, “why am I here…” (on the rave). I didn’t have a man, the men on the rave were just not for me… and yeah, I was looking for a man. A lover , a friend, a companion. I knew what I wanted.
I would find myself staring into space, (on the rave) with this feeling of dread and loneliness and suddenly, I would want to go home. And when I got home, I was so happy to go to bed. This happened so many times and when I had enough of it, I just stopped going out. Again, whether it was permanent or temporary I didn’t know, but I was liking it
I started to think what I would replace this time with… the Friday and Saturday nights. Movies, my art, and … well that’s all I had. I was tired of the night scene and if anything, I have been a single girl partying for almost a year now and not met the kind of man I wanted. So if I changed my scene, maybe I would find my man right? Sounded convincing to me. Whatever. Man or no man, catch me dead on the rave on New Year’s Eve.
I ditched Daisy on 31st. I felt really bad because I would have loved to go to Naivasha with her but I also knew I would wind up being the party pooper; quiet, lonely, and lost in fantasy.
That night I stayed home alone with five candles, popcorn and Gabriel ‘coco’ Channel’s life story movie. I enjoyed myself to bits! At midnight, I watched the fireworks from my balcony, kissed my imaginary boyfriend and went to bed at 1 am.
On January 8th, 2011, I opted to leave Quinnz (after the rugby game at impala) before nightfall cuz I wasn’t interested in partying. I got home. What to do… decided to take out my art work. My parents were away for the weekend and so my brother *David was not home, and neither was the car…more time for me then. I spilled my art supplies on the floor and started to construct a view finder. It was ridiculously demanding and I was sweating and cursing but I loved it. At 10.30 pm David strolls in with the house shopping (really at 10.30?!!), tiptoes across the mess ive made on the floor and informs me, rather than asking, that he is having four friends over for a few drinks. I was cross with him!!! All my shit was on the floor and I was already half way and if I moved it would mess everything I had been working on. After an argument though, his boys were coming.
Ten minutes later, you could hear loud late night revelries from the parking lot. Surely I hadn’t even moved my stuff. A second later the door bell rang and a huge influx of youth splurged into the living room. This wasn’t four people. This was more like fourteen people!!!
Everyone was nice though, even the drunkish girl who walked over me rushing to the toilet as I was tried to pick up my art supplies. A few minutes later David was pouring me a drink and I was in on the fun. Well kinda… I decided to sit on the dining table away from the ‘celebrations’. A couple of times though a bunch of them would come and make small talk with me, which was cool.
I needed a cigarette. I went to the balcony. There was three guys sitting on the couch there but I couldn’t really see their faces because it was pitch black. How many fucking people are there here!
“Hi, I’m Garry,” the one on the furthest left said halfway standing up. And then the other two follwed.
“Hi… Hi… Hi… I’m Purple, David’s sister” I responded smiling.
I decided I was going to smoke on the other balcony at the back of the house behind the kitchen and made some lame excuse why. I didn’t want to smoke in front of these kids.
So I left.
As I sat on the stool at the back of the house and puffed away, I thought about Gary. Briefly. I didn’t see his face but he felt, over powering – to me. He had a huge frame and a deep voice. I lost trail of that thought and thought about David…his friends were really cool. They had already made me laugh so much in a span of like 30 min .
When I got back in, I saw Garry standing by the TV and my gaze froze. He was this might huge guy with a beautiful smile and dark skin. The way his eyes nose and mouth were placed on his face was just….amazing. He caught me staring and like I had been stung in my eye I turned away.
At some point, I went to the kitchen to refill. Garry walked in behind me and sat on the counter without invitation. He said hello, again, and I smiled… “Hey” and stopped my self from almost saying “kiddo!”
“So your David’s younger sister?” he asked.
“No, elder sister.” I smiled trying not to blush.
“oh really! So you’re the one he had to check with before we could come here?”
“Is that what he said he was doing?” I asked
“Yeah… Just before we came.”
As we spoke some more it turned out he was older than me. The girl who rushed into the bathroom and some other guy in the house were his siblings and he met my brother through them.
I watched him smile as he spoke, looking at how his mouth burst into a smile when I said something funny… His shoulders were so wide. I thought about lying on his chest. And his lips were full and unmistakably African. My mind was already racing to the future… he’s perfect, I thought. He laughed again and his deep voiced, almost childish laughter choired in my ears. I fell for him instantly. And he was flirting! What was that he said about my smile? That he liked it?
And just then, this girl walked into the kitchen and walked towards Garry. She placed her hands on his lap and they started to have this conversation. At this point one of David’s friends was yelling for me to go to the living room with the bottle of vodka. I obeyed immediately and walked away. I saw from the corner of my eye Garry follow me out of the kitchen with his gaze.
That girl must be his girlfriend, I thought. She was skinny and tall and had braces. She clad in a tight skimpy black dress and what seemed like ten inch heels.
Shame on him for flirting with me while his babe was around! I had seen them talk earlier and jump up to the same music.
I carried my drink to my room and sipped in agony. I asked God why he would bring such a handsome man on the path of my life and have him taken. I was upset more so because I had nobody. I had never been single for so long. Its been months!! And months.
I dozed off and woke up to a less noisy house. It was around 1 am. I went to the living room and found David and his two best friends, *shiko and *john in the living room laughing drunkedly. I asked where everyone was. What I really wanted to ask was where Gary was. My brother said that they went home. Oh well okay. I took a shower and after that, David came knocking on my door asking if I wanted to go to the rave with them. No way hozay, I said. Shiko and John then peeped into the room… come on David’s Big sis, lets just goooo. Im flyiying out tomorrow come on, John pleaded. I was adamant. I wasn’t going. But they wouldn’t budge. So I said okay okay but if I get bored im coming home! David was so excited. My brother and me and are only close when it comes to movies so seeing him excited to want to hang out with me made want to go.
Psys will always be Psys. Crowded, Loud music, hot, and familiar faces. That feeling of dread started to creep up on me. I shook it off. Can I atleast try and enjoy myself! I stood in the sea of people and thought how nice my bed would feel… and then I saw him. Garry. My heart did a BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM!!! There he was at the back in his black Chuck Bass jacket looking like a demigod. My god you are so handsome, I whispered to myself. Omigod this is fate. And then I saw Braces Babe appear next to him. Argh this chik!!! I double checked my outfit and pursed my lips trying to spread my red lip gloss. I tried to make him notice me by standing right in front of his eye level.
David suddenly shouted in my ear, distracting my thoughts, “there is Melany!” I had called her before leaving the house to ask her where she was just in case my brothers’ friends bored me. We had decided to meet up at Psys. I rushed to her and we hugged and I shouted in her ear, “I have just seen the most beautiful man in the world. She shouted back “WHEEEEEERE!!!” and I pulled her behind me and stood about three feet away from Garry with my back towards him. Facing Melany, I said “ this guy, right here” I pointed behind me, “…with the black jacket…”
Melany frowned, “This guy???!!!”
She was pointing right above my shoulder.
“I know this guy!!!” she shouted.
He was here, saying hello to Melany. They hugged. And then he looked at me. I could swear to God he looked at me with warm romantic eyes yah!
Just go with the flow its how I felt. And then he hugged me. My body vapourized. Oh lawd he was so big. I want to marry you. What did you say? Nice to see you? Where did you go, you left me in the kitchen?
Whaaaaaat? I asked!!
“You look sexy, I like your red mini dress”….!
“OHHHHH , Thanks.” I blushed until the inside of my vagina.
“Lets go outside its too hot in here!” he yelled
“Okay” I yelled back. “Wait what about your girlfriend?”
“Who?”
“that girl with the braces? And long hair? Black dress?”
“Oh *Mary!!! My COUSIN!”
“Your cousin?!”
“Are you saying I’m incestuous?!” he joked
“No!!!” I laughed!
He held my hand and led me outside. Behind him, I felt like a feather; light as air. I was looking at how his jeans lay on his butt. Omigod, this guy…!
We got to his car…
“Back seat?” he asked
“What?” I responded.
“Yeah, I lets talk” he said. No expression.
“Well I though you meant outside. On the side walk…”
“Come on, its okay” he said.
“hey look, im not some babe your gana, you know… at the back of a car.!”
“Okay… But I just wanna talk… I want to get to know you. We’ll sit in front then,”
I didn’t want to be pushy so I got in. But I couldn’t help but think that he was just like every other guy. I was not pleased.
10 minutes into talking though, we were getting along. He was so nice to talk to and he laughed at my jokes. I ramble sometimes… and he told me about himself and what he does. We taaaaaaaaalked and talked. About relationships, lust, school, movies fashion! And finally when I was comfortable, he leaned in for a kiss.
I melted like butter on toast.
We made out. And I mean made out. His demeanour was so large. He made the car feel cramped, that turned me on. He lifted me to the passenger’s side. Everything was so soft and slow and deep. And then he said, “ You know we really click…”
“yeah I guess”, I said trying to act indifferent. And he was like “where have you been all holiday?” woooo rooomance!!!
I started to panic cuz of the cops that normally come and bust people doing it in the car so I asked him to stop.
I walked back to the club to fix my hair and was hit by the familiar heat wave from the dance floor. When I found Garry again, he was waiting for me. We sat somewhere.
Did I mention that this was his last nigh in Kenya? That he was leaving for Melbourne Australia the next day ay 11pm? No?
I was devastated but too happy to mourn.
I asked if I was going to see him the next day at least to say goodbye. He said that he had to take his folks to church in the morning and then there’s a family lunch in the afternoon and then there’s I donno what in the evening and he needs to pack and his folks would be cross with him if disappeared on his last day.
“Well, if you really want to seeme like you say you do, you’ll find a way…”
My brother came to us and said that him and two other ppl were going to finish up the night at our place. He asked if I was coming with him. I said yeah of course and started to stand up.
Garry held my hand and asked me to stay “I’ll take you home Purple”
.
“No, why don’t you come over we hang out at my house?”
“ Okay, I’ll come but can I drive with you? In my car?”
“Yeah sure if we ‘re leaving now…” I said hoping that he would say yes. I didn’t want to let him go but also not wanting to give in too easy.
“okay.” He stood up and kissed me.
In the car was him, me and braces babe. She was very young. My brother’s age. Well im 22 and shes 19 so to me that’s youuuung. Garry had to drop her home. And then we would go to my house. It turned out she lives on the same street as Baby did.
As we were driving away from Brace Babes house approaching the main road, Garry said
“I live right across the road. We can go over to my house and hang out…I’ll bring u home in the cox.”
“Are you fucking kidding me!!! All this was cuz you wanted to chipo me?!!!” I was furious!!!
“No! your house is 2 min away from here I just thought that we can stay at mine for a little bit since your bro went with a mob back to your house…!”
“Take me home.”
“Come on, baby (I was baby now). It’s my last night… I just want to spend time with you.”
And then the flash of the cartoon/animation movies of the terrier dog and poodle was it, came to mind. There was this scene, it was the terrier’s last night; he was going to be put to sleep the next day. And he used this line to get the poodle to sleep with him. Or was it that movie with the dogs that talk, Look Who’s Talking?
“Oh coz its your last night your looking for a quick shag?!”
“No. I just want to cuddle. Didn’t you say you felt it too… this energy between us?” he said, all Barry White voiced.
“No way. Home. Please. If you want to see me, you can come tomorrow. If you don’t come well then there was no energy. Me I’m not a chipo, Wat the hell”
“Okay…. Fine. To your house then…” he said, sad.
He started the car.
“Wait…” his reverse psychology was working…
“Purple, I just want more time with you. Alone…” he said reinforcing his plea
“Okay…”
Without another word the car roared to life and we crossed the road straight to the other side.
2 minutes really was 2 minutes. More like 30 seconds. His house was right there. And it was BIG. It was pitch black but I could see the white of the house reflecting from the moonlight. We walked around a couple of corners. At the back of a wall he turned towards me and pinned me on the bricks and we kissed. My heart was beating so fast I thought I would run out of breath. He pressed onto me and I felt his erection. I was moist in my panties. Cuddling my ass!
He took my hand again and led me across this lawn to like a guest house. Out of nowhere, five dogs hopped towards us. “Shit theyre ganna bark!!!” I hissed.
“No, the wont.”
They licked my naked legs and one of them hopped onto Garry. He laughed. I fell even more for this man. Those of you who know me know my love for animals. He tried to shoo them away but they followed us to the door, also not making a sound as if they could tell that we were trying to be quiet.
Once in the house/room, Garry hugged me and said… “If you don’t want to do anything, we wont.” I didn’t respond. Of course this meant, I want us to fuck.
All I will say is that the rest is history.
This ginourmous man blanketed me. He was strong. Like a gentle beast. And everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever wrote about on my wish list to the universe, everything I dreamed about during boring meetings at work, everything.
At 9am, in his arms, we were woken up by a knock on the window. “GAARRRY! Weh, Garry get the fuck up.”
I was the first to wake up. I shook him to consciousness. “Whaaaat Sam!” Gary’s voice broke.
It was his little brother. He was telling Garry that he needed to wake up because he was taking everyone to church that day. And that he should remember that Mom wanted to talk to him about something important that day over lunch. Also, he should remember how he tells his little brother to be responsible and that now it was his turn to act responsibly.
“Shut up Sammy” He yelled from the bed. It was comical really. I looked at my watch. If my folks had been home there is no wayyyy I would have spent the night there. Another reason why I thought this was fate. If not fate at least something close.
“Tell her I’m not home and go away man”
“No I want to skive church! I’ve just come from Westy man. You take them to church and let me sleep here.” Sammy said into the window. In a family of eight children, I guess one kid missing from church could go unnoticed.
Garry woke up and marched to the window. One can’t see the bed from that specific window by the way… I then heard him hiss “I have a girl here okay, fuck off!”
And then Sammy’s voice tones down to a whisper too and I heard muffled laughter and slapping around. And whats that noise? Are those condoms being passed over.
Back in bed, on his wide chest, I tried to savour the moment. We started to chat.
It started to get emotional. He asked me if I would wait for him if he asked me too. I said yes. He went back and said that asking me to do that for him would be selfish… I said it felt like we knew each other for ages. He couldn’t agree more. After about an hour of trying to figure things out, I realised I was very much into this guy. My heart was already in love with him. Maybe not real love, but you know, fallacy love. My mind was fond of him. He asked me, how much I felt for him. I said 9, on a scale of 1 to 10. He said, “get to 11 baby. I’ll be waiting”
After everybody was in church, we walked out.
This was the first time I had ever been chipod. I was a chips funga and this right here to the car in my red mini dress in the scorching of the Sunday sun was my walk of shame. Garry opened for me the door and kissed me and then looked at me. He started to walk away and I pulled him back to me. “Please stay. You don’t start school till March right?”
“ I have to go. I need to work baby.”
He turned around and went to the driver’s seat.
We spoke very little on the way to my house. I held his hand but he seemed unresponsive. What the hell was wrong with him? Is this how chiboz are dumped? Oh god I should have known.
We got to my house. I’ll call you baby. He kissed me goodbye and left.
At 2pm, I went to Masai market and started to pick out stuff to give Garry. I know he said we couldn’t meet but I couldn’t sleep and I was thinking about him all day. Maybe I can give Daisy this stuff and shell mail it to him once she gets to Adelaide (Australia).
I bought a Tusker tshit, A ‘Proudly Kenyan’ Tshit and a key holder. Then I went home. I took a shower and went to bed. Garry Garry Garry Garry, that was what was in my head.
At 4.30pm, my cell rang. “Are you at home Baby?”
His voice thrust me into complete happiness! “YES YES I am…”
“I’m a minute from your house”
“Really?!!!”
“yeah?... I told you I’d come.”
“No you didn’t!”
“Yes I did” he was laughing. Oh that sweet laugh.
Whatever okay im home.
He walked into my bedroom and I planted the hugest kiss on him!
I showed him his presents. He was so excited about the Tshirts. Especially the Tusker one saying that they were like gold in Australia. We cuddled in bed for a long time talking.
We made love again and again.
His flight was at 11 pm. He was meant to be at the airport by 8pm. At 7.15pm he was in my arms and I was kissing the scars on his face when his phone rang for the a millionth time.
That was when we realised the time. He hadn’t even packed!
“Please stay!” I begged.
“I can’t baby!!!”
We hugged and held each other. I told him I could wait for him. He said that he cant let me do that because 11 months was a long time.
He asked me if I would be feeling him like this if he wasn’t leaving in 3 hours. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Of course I would! There is absolutely nothing about you that I do not like (wanted to say love). You’re perfect. But I know he was right. I am very stingy with guys and I play hard to get. I don’t approach, I wait to be approached etc etc… all these female empowerment books, I lived by them like they were my bible. But Gary was different. I didn’t care that I was begging him to stay. And I had never fallen this fast for anyone.
I walked him to his car. My brother was all awkward cuz this was his boy. Ok whatever.
We kissed. Not like we kissed in the bedroom. A quick, awkward kiss. And he disappeared. Gone.
I went to have a shower and I cried my lungs out. I cried so hard that my throat became sore. I thanked God for bringing Gary into my life but cursed Him for taking him away. I cried. I cried and cried. One hour later, I resurrected from the steam in the shower and went to bed.
I got a text from him, “That was the best 24 hours I have ever had”
I wanted to say, I LOVE YOU, don’t go, but I replied “I feel the same. Call me at the airport love”
We talked until the very last minute. And finally he texted and said, “Taking off with your heart, My Queen”.
I will never delete his messages from my phone.
I spent the next day, Monday 10th telling Daisy all about him. She was shocked. She couldn’t believe all this had happened. Every sentence had Gary in it. Every hour I checked my phone to see if he had called me from Bangkok where he connected his flight. I was resuming work on Tuesday the following day.
I was replaying every moment with him over and over. I looked at the pics we took before bed. I woke up wearing his jumper.
I went to work humming his name.
I need to snap out of this shit man. He’s gone. But I couldn’t.
Three hours ago, I was on my way home from work. Its Tuesday evening. My phone vibrated in my bag. I recognised the number, it was Australian. I screamed for the tout to stop fucking the car. I jumped out.
I picked up the phone
“HELLO!!!!!”
“Hey baby…”
“Gary!!!!” I shouted. I crossed the road and got into Jivanjee Gardens. Crazy how I crossed the road.
The first thing he said was “Dew, I’ve missed you so much”
Did he just call me Dew? That was my middle tribes name. My heart. Oh my heart. The way I felt when he said those words.
I was so happy to hear his voice.
After asking me how my day was, he said, I want to ask you something but you have to think about it okay…
“Okay”
“Purple I want you to be my girl…”
“Omigod whaaat!”
“Just think about it okay…”
“Okaay!!!!”
“cuz its gana be hard baby… if you want to, its gana be hard.”
“I knoooow… Omigod”
“I want to pay for a ticket for you to come here!”
“OH Christ Gary!”
“I haven’t even called my folks you know. I just landed. I miss you. Youre the only person I thought about for the entire flight. Do you want to be with me? Cuz if youre ready im ready.” Etc etc etc etc
I was so happy!
Oh shit I cant believe this.
Im in a spin right now.
With Love,
Purple
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