HALTED

“Baby, baby, baby
From the day I saw you
I really really want to catch your eye
There's something special 'bout you
I must really like you
Cause not a lotta guys are worth my time
Ooo baby, baby, baby
It's gettin kind of crazy
Cause you are takin over my mind”
You don’t know my name

“I know you have said to me
This is exactly how it should be when it’s meant to be
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gon do something bout it
We should do right now”
Unthinkable

“Well you could try sleeping in my bed”
Try sleeping with a broken heart
ALICIA KEYS

One day he was telling me that he was online looking at the rates for airline tickets, asking me of I was sure coming in June was okay because it would be winter in Melbourne, asking me if I’m okay with him calling me in the middle of the night because it would be morning in Melbourne and he wants to hear my voice… and then a couple of days later, I happily and naively ask if he’s going to ask me to be his valentine and he chats back (on gmail chat) “Maybe…(smiley face)” – Warning.
Two days, silence – Warning

I called and ask why he didn’t call me when he said he would
“I told you I’m not very good with communication. I told you this wouldn’t be easy. The time difference is a killer. I’ll call you later”

Later. Two days and one night later...
I’m angry that he hasn’t made any sort of communication whatsoever until now. Not even a text to say I miss you or have a nice day. Nothing.

In a moment of vulnerability, intense emotion, sadness and a tang of booz, I send him a text asking if he’s still waiting for my answer as to whether I want to be his girl. Do you still want be my man? I will be good to you and love you. Call me tomorrow, anytime; day or night”

Next morning, he calls and I run out of the apartment in the hope of getting a clear connection cuz the lines between Nairobi and Melbourne are a nightmare.

“Call me back in a minute babe. Let me run and get the keys to the pool house cuz the network is much better there” I exhale
“Okay”… he mutters.
One minute later, my phone rings again.
“Heelloooo    ” (happiness)
“Hey… So how was XYZ last night?” he asks
“It was okay. I came home early though. Still not in the party mood”
“You should have fun Purple. Why would you want to stay home?”
This sort of takes me aback. Why is he talking like that? And doesn’t he like that nowadays I like to stay home. What’s going on with him lately.
“Well did you get my text last night?” I ignore his comment and try to save the conversation from a fight
“Oh yeah. I did. It really jazzed me…”
“okay”
“yeah..”
“And…?” at this point, pain starts to creep into my heart.

And then he says something and I don’t quite hear what. After that, the whole conversation turns to ati whats and please say that again’s
“I’ll call you when I get a better connection” he yells into the speaker
“Wait!...and when is that going to be? You have been quiet of late. I text you and you don’t reply. I email you, no response. I mean and now you’ve called me for 2 minutes and your fine with not talking to me till God knows when?”
“Purple, I WILL call you!...Okay. In the evening. Your time. Today.
“Don’t call…” I mumble
“Come on what is it?”
And I begin explaining how he’s 8 hours ahead of me and he never communicates until its night in Nairobi, meaning he goes through his whole day not halaing at me. In the while, im at my office at 10.00am saying to myself, “It’s six pm in Melbourne and no text, no email, no inbox from Garry all day – his day”. I also point out that I had to ask his cousin the other day Jeremy (also in Australia) to tell him (Garry) that I want to talk to him (this was before he had his own phone line. I mean what if I never texted Jeremy, would we even be here talking today?

“So as in Garry, just don’t call me if you’re not going to try and communicate better” I finish, fingers crossed, legs crossed, heart crossed, eyes shut…
“Okay.” And the line goes dead.

I look at my phone. Did he just hang up on me?! And then my eyes get hot and I’m stung by the gush of tears.
I start to panic! Should I call back? Oh my God. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
I call back. He doesn’t pick. I hang up. Fuck. Now I’m crying and breathing heavy...I turn my face away from the windows of the apartments facing the pool area and I stare at the river running below. Nairobi River…Black, polluted, and moving in a slow miserable almost dead slither.

My phone rings! I almost drop it. The number +614 never looked so beautiful.
“Babe did you hang up on me?” I cry
“No.” he lies. “Try and enjoy your day today ok. I’ll call you when I have a better connection. Or maybe tomorrow” And the phone goes dead again.
I didn’t even get to say anything…

Can I just say, that that was the worst day I had since I found out Baby was cheating on me three years ago.
Do I need to explain how long I cried? i can smell a break up from a planet away.
No wonder he was silent. No wonder he just suddenly isn’t good with communication. He’s not feeling me anymore!

But he asked me to be his girlfriend. And what about the airline tickets he was looking at? And the whole “I have never connected so well with anyone before” speech. And what about when he asked if I still sleep with his sweater? And when I mentioned that I could go to Melbourne for my masters instead of Philladelphia/New York (mY dream!), he was ecstatic. Where did that go???

In matters of the heart I always prefer to suffer in silence. But I couldn’t this time. I called *Daisy. Literally waking her up and just bawling. I mean she had no idea what was going on, she was trying to understand me while still trying to be sympathetic and I was just throwing phrases like “You see what I mean!??” and “I don’t understand why”. Very unnatural place for me; crying on someone’s shoulder, but so is seeing the man of your dreams, have him see you and lure you into his cask and then roll you down the hill while you’re still in it.

On Sunday, I can’t stand the silence and uncertainty. So I text
“Better connection today?”
He responds, “Call you in 30 minutes”
I calculate the time difference; it’s about 8pm in Melbourne… He must be at home... I think. Who knows. I don’t know him…!

The phone rings…I get this sick sick feeling at the pit of my stomach. I pick.
“Hello?” I try to sound cheerful
“Hey beautiful…”
“how u doin?”
“Oh well you know…mild hangover. Just chilling” His accent is going in and out: Kenyan and Brooklyn New York-ish
“Okay… so… um…” I start
“Yeah… Mayn, I don’t know what’s going on…” And then silence
“You don’t know what’s going on?” he starts to test my temper
“Yeah. Like… I don’t know. I don’t think this going to work out Purple”

Do you remember how you felt when you did your KCSE and you were on your way to school to pick up your results. The results that teachers, parents, cousins and just about everyone who had authority over you said would determine your LIFE forever… Do you remember how it felt when you were walking up to the office to pick your result’s slip and what was racing through your mind when you were ripping that envelope? How your eyes tried to stabilize as you read the grade at the bottom of the transcript? The feeling just before you saw your grade?

That feeling, everyday, for a week combined with the terror that engulfs you just before you realize there’s a speeding truck about to slam into your car and you’re in it; that’s how this felt.

My heart BROKE.

See, I am aware that I don’t even know Garry. That we met once and I fell once. I realize this. I’ve met tones of guys and been in useless relationships and moved on with my life without a hiccup (I mean u have been following my blog yes?) but Garry…! This was my forever.

I had decided to write down an extremely detailed list of the kind of partner I wanted. You know, like they tell you to in every other self help single-girl book there is in the world. And that list would make my heart skip a beat whenever I thought of ever possibly meeting this Man. I’d settle because I liked a guy and I’d let myself be wooed and you know relationshiped just cuz well, he was there and I did have feelings for him. Is there love at first sight? Absofuckingloutley. I’ve watched people talk about it, I’ve read about it etc and I believe in it. When I first saw Garry, this is exactly what happened to me. I told him he was the first guy I had ever met who I liked everything about. Even his ugly toe.

I woke up last night at half past 2 because I heard my brother’s phone ring/beep when a message came in. His room is across the hall from mine right, and it woke me up. I thought it was my phone. I thought it was Garry texting (because surely, he doesn’t want to wake his Queen by calling) to tell me he just realized he made a huge mistake. Ten seconds later I was swimming in a salty ocean of tears and unbearable pain. And so I prayed, “For whatever reason You let Garry come into my life, and for whatever reason he now doesn’t what to be with me, please, take this pain away…I’m begging”

I opened the messages in my phone. One in particular saddened me the most. I had texted him saying that I had never heard of a long distance relationship working and he had replied “Neither have I baby. But what to do…? I want to be with you” He did want to be with me.

Yeah? I donno
I don’t know what changed his mind.
Here I go again.
Hello 2011. Please, take me slow.

Peace & Love Yall