When I broke up with *Baby over a year ago, the idea of getting a calmer, taller, bigger, more together, more fascinated by me and in love with me man got me past my Baby-withdrawal moments. Also I just needed a break. I had lost three years of my life swimming in his toxicity (as I have so often described that relationship) and all I wanted then was to break free and be alone. No man, No due responsibilities and no commitments. No running out of money or out of my mind tryna keep us together… Just me, myself and I. (That song is still one of my favorite Beyonce singles) Bottom line, I wanted a better me, and a better man
When Garry came into my life…
Can I just take a moment here…
When Garry strolled into my life…in his black jacket and unapologetic swag… (Looking for the words)…
You know how when we were kids there was always a mapera tree in our estates. And every day at some point, we would go and climb the tree and see who can get the biggest reddest orangest mapera? Usually the ones that only birds would peck on and leave half eaten exposing the inner scarlet of the fruit for those of us on worm’s eye view to lust over? Do you remember how, the maperas we would get would be white inside and if you were lucky or brave enough to defy gravity you would get at least a pale pink looking one that you would only share with your best friend? Do ya’ll remember those days? Well that’s a peek into my childhood. *smile* And then, one day, you make friends with the boy who can run the fastest, bat the hardest and jump the furthest (do I hear three sticks lol) but cant climb the mapera tree to save his life because his mother told him if she ever found him on that tree or even heard that he was playing next to that tree that she would woop his sorry ass and take away his going-out-to-play rights. And you tell this kid, look, I know you can climb the highest with no fear…how’s about we get those three maperas over there (look up) and we split them 2:1. You can take two. He’s excited, all sparkly eyed and shit. And you say to yourself “Yes!” But then he says “What about my mom?” “No one’s gana tell!” “What about the ants on the top branches?”
“Okay, if you do this, I’ll let you kiss me”
Done.
He climbs, everyone’s watching, jaws dropped pin drop silence. He squeals! The ants are attacking him. “Just a couple more branches!” and eureka! He grabs the cluster of fruits and tucks them in both of his side pockets.
That afternoon, you wash the mapera and sit on the pavement with your friends in awe around you. In your hand is the neighborhood’s most priced possession. Your most priced possession. There’s no better looking mapera on the tree. You’ve never held such a huge mapera in your hand. You roll it in your palm taking in all the details of its skin. You remember all the other maperas you’d eaten before thinking about the day that you will get the mapera at the top of the tree. So big and tough those maperas.
And then you eat it; and for the first time, you know how a ripe mapera actually tastes like.
See, Garry is that mapera. As I was dating all these guys I have dated, I have known in my heart what I really wanted. That big mapera at the top of the tree. When a woman gets out or is trying to get out of a relationship, what gives her that will to leave is the idea of a better version of her current retarded boyfriend. If he doesn’t call her, doesn’t say nice things, cheats on her, she says to herself “I need a man who calls on time, treats me good and is faithful to me.” That’s what propels her into moving on! That’s what I call the moving on survival kit - MOSK
I wanted a sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent man. Doesn’t talk too much (leave that to me), can handle stressful situations well (I’ll leave that to you), taller than me , large, keeps fit, preferably dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record kinda guy. To me, TO mE, TO ME, Garry had all these qualities. And even more. He was that mapera at the top of the tree.
And now that we are done, I am having a hard time letting him go because I don’t have a MOSK.
What can I use as a MOSK?
I know that Garry probably doesn’t think he’s as great as I paint him out to be. And that I am lost in my own world falling in love with him like this, but you know what, I see him like that. He might not; ya’ll might not, but to me, from the most sincere part of my heart, Garry’s perfect. But who gives a fuck. Shrugging my shoulders.
I met this guy… he’s sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent doesn’t talk too much (leaves that to me), can handle stressful situations well , taller than me , large, keeps fit, dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record. In this dainty heart of mine, feelings for him are growing…and it’s not tears watering these flowery feelings, but pecks on the cheek, good morning texts, jokes on my Whats App chat, compliments about my body… *blush
But he’s not like Garry…He’s a bit too romantic, too worried about how I’ll get home, if I got home, if I was fine getting home. Plus he’s gat baggage. Which shouldn’t be a problem, but… Garry had this ‘I’m the MAN” aura around him, that made me fall for him stupid- *blush *blush… This guy doesn’t have that.
Garry told me the other day “on the real, I think you need to let me go of me completely”. See that that last word there, completely? Sigh… He is done with me. Shrugging my shoulders
It’s been too damn long I’m still into this guy and I just want to move the hell on. I have been putting a front for my friends that I am okay, but I’m not. I’m begging God, The Universe, the genie in Aladdin, please, let me move on.
Maybe next week, or next month I won’t love you, like you don’t love me.
Peace & Love…
Purple.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
UNTITLED.
There are three things in my life that are important to me: My career, My Love life (friends, family included) and My health. I see them in my mind like three strong Greek pillars upon which ‘my world’ and sometimes a peaceful, meditating animation of myself sits.
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…
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