VANISHING POINT

I AM A PIECES

I turn 22 on Friday! I get so excited whenever March comes around...!! every day of march is my birthday!is how i feel!!! I have big dreams for friday night maynnnnn!!

Here's some stuff that i chose to ommit from my other posts cuz I just wasnt sure where to start with this thing. Married guy (MG) made a some serious remarks to me yesterday that threw me off course a little.
Older men have this unbelievable confidence to say and do things when they want a woman ...
Like I said, during Black Rose's birthday heng, i bumped into him and his friend at the club. That was the first time he saw me with my friends, drunk, and just not office-like.
I know his story... that his wife trapped him into the whole marriage thing, and that he loves his kids but she is not his type. I roll my eyes evrytime he repeats that story to me in reffrence to me reminding him that he has a wife!

This is the reall situation with him though... At work, my team is a fun team. He's in the team... and the team and I have really fun times together; in and out of the office. So MG and I have had many bonding moments and gossip updates on whats cutting upstairs (another department)... but all this was before he started hitting on me. And get this, i didnt know he was married!! He's gained some weight in the past few years and so his ring had been at the jewelers for a month been resized. Long over due, but he said that he just never got the time to go pick it up.
During this Period, I had texted my ...closest girlfriend,Puppy,telling her that I had the hugest crush on this guy from the office (MG)
(((SHIT!)))
Then we had this huge office event, and at the party, I was talking to one of my team members, and she was telling me (more of whining) about her looking for the right man to marry...and then she started to mention all the men in our department who were married...and she mentioned MG! I had been working here for about 3-4 weeks by then. I was like, "WHHHHOOOO????" and she clarified, "MG...si he even has two small kids..." she brushed.

OOOkkkaaayy...!! I texted puppy and gave her the update. she replied "YOU BETTER LENGA THAT STORY ASAP!"
I was in complete agreement!! I concurred!
The good thing is at the time, he hadn't made a move on me. What he used to do was just the usuall: offer me a ride home, but drinks, laugh with me in the office etc. And on my part, i knew it was more than a kind gesture, but, i mean, how many guys do 'such'?? so I was just kind of indifferent about the whole affair (not in the Clinton-Lewinsky kind of way LOL)To me he was just ana guy trynig to hit on me.

So now yesterday, i was packing my stuff in the office getting ready to go home and he asked, out loud, "Purpledew, im heading home now, you want a lift??"
I took long to respond pretending i didnt hear but then, that made the silence in the air awkward as everyone (in the office) was subconciously waiting for my response, so i said in a 'oh sure!!' kind of tone "Yeah okay!"

In the car...
We are talkling about totally random stuff for a long time... traffic was crazy.. and then he asks why I dont seat next to him at lunch and basically why I have 'changed' the past few weeks. And I say, "because THEN, i dint know you were married, and now i know you are..."
(we were having a cigarette...)
"So that means you had something for me before I got my ring back...?" he shrugs
I freeze.
"I mean... i thought you were single... so... me... " god knows what i said next cuz i cant remember.

That is true... I did have a crush-thing on him. It could have showed. I even had even fantasized a little about the shag. Haha. Daym...

ANd he says "COOL!"

And then he adds "I need to get this car washed... Will you seat with me as I wait??"
"aaaii MG, seriously I have to go home.(he's pulled such a stunt before)" I try not to sound rude since he is still my supervisor at the end of the day...
"Look at this traffic PD... Just here K1, we wait, you can have a bite to eat... Fine! Call your girls if you think I have ulterior motives."

So I take out my phone boldy and start to speed dial Puppy's number as I think of who else I can call. She doesnt pick...
I call black rose, she sounds like shes already on her way home so i act like i called her about something else and change the topic. Then I get a text from puppy saying that shes in a meeting and she'll call me back. Sassy works too far... and so do the rest. Shit.
"anyway," I think "I'll just focus on random topics to talk about since we do get along.

FOWARD
Hes having a white cap and im on my second Fanta.
And he starts...
" You know, I was resigning in August, but since you came I decided to push till NOvember."(my internship lasts till April or Aug).
"MG... aki please si we lenga that story?" i try to smile, BUT HE HAD JUST THROWN OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE
"And when you went on study leave last week, I would come to work for three hours"
"Really...?" I retort sarcastically
"Im serious ask Figit"...

The conversation was one of those where i had to be nice nad nod you know... cuz hes my boss, but at the same time, I was trying to gain controll over the direction of the topic. i was very uncomfortable

Then he asks if i watched greys anatomy (i do duuuhhh)and if i remember that Mcdreamy was married to the gyna, but he wante marydith... Im nothing like marydith! Thats black rose... im like isabel and christina combined!

He mentioned somewhere in there that, where was I four years ago, which is when he got married... And that was what really like OVERWHELMED me and that was when I lied to him that Brit and I were officially a couple and that i was so in love that I want to go on the pill(brit and I have never been official but office people dont know a tad about my love life except MG since he met Brit last week at Black roses birthday heng...and I told him then, that Brit was a guy I was 'just' interested in...)

ha. oH shit...

This is soooo not how i want my post break up with brit to be... Wait, did I mention that I ended things with him last saturday? Well I did. It was the right thing to do. You all know why (ref to all former blogs) . He was a keeper... it hurt letting him knowing that.

Anyways, Universe, Im posting this out to you.
DURING THIS TIME OF SINGLEHOOD, I WANT PEACE, AND JOY, AND GREAT MOVIES AND MUSIC TO WATCH, AND LOSTA FUN AND LOVE with and from MY GIRLS, HAPPY TIMES, COLD RAINY CUDDLY INDOOR AFERNOONS WITH ELLEN DEGENRES AND AVATAR AND GREYS AND MY PERSON (WHICH IM YET TO FIND...NOT A BOYFRIEND, A BFF),AND NO FEELING EVER, OF BEING LONELY OR NEEDY. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE AND BE IN LOVE WITH THAT. AND THEN WHEN I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE, ITS GOT TO BE HIM... MY THE-ONE. NOT ANOTHER TIME WASTING RELATIONSHIP. COMPRENDE?

EL FIN.





MUCH CYBER LOVE. XoXo

One MORE thing about the guy with the golden badge

I hope this blog will come out as clear and as vivid as it is in my mind because I am distratcted by the television and the Kikuyu radio station blasting in the kitchen. (The house help is all up in her element man, I cant tell her to switch it off).

I forgot to mention on my last that on the Thursday of Valentine's week, I came home to find my cousins from the UK and my new neice who I met for the first time since she was born in London. It was really emotional since my cousins and I hadnt seen each other for over 6 years. They looked to grown up!! and pretty... and they had a dash of an accent I could tell. LOL. To everythinh I said, Yama would say "yee"... as in, "yaa" is the way we say it here. Or when I showed her a top i had bought a week before she said "wicked". It was so much fun,lol.
so while we were still gushing over how are you's and look how much you've become pretty's, my little neice kept on shouting at her mom (my cousin), "MOMI, teddiii, Teddiii" while pointing at my bedroom. Yama shut her off everytime..so anyway i didnt pay much attiention to that.

Yama was walking infront of me as we walked towards my bedroom in search of a more confined spot spot catch up. At the rim of my bedroom window was a huge bouquet of white flowers... The first thing that cane to my mind was that Yama had brought us (my fam and me) flowers just as a sign of compassion, and that they were inmy room cuz the living room was filled with guests. But by the way she leaned back and blushed at me looking at the flowers, I knew that that wasnt it.
and then it hit me... rather lethargically, that they must have been from Brit. Burried in the fat crown of petals was a card reading,

'Happy Valentines. You tha Best'

'How adorable' I thought... 'If only i loved him'
And there was also a Teddy bear, and White Tolberone chocolates...
He remembered my obbsession with white roses and white chocolate.
My mum peeped into the room whispering "Youve seen your tu things?".. she was smiling from ear to ear. lol.


Then on valentines day he brought over three little boxes wrapped in my favourite colours, BLUE and PURPLE... and inside them were chocolates and a thong in each.

soooooo anyyyywwwaaayyyyyyyy...

I have tonnes to write about married guy but then Ellen Degeneres has started and we dont have the PVR decoder... Much much love.REALLY.

LIFE UPDATE

I HAD A BLASSSSST THIS WEEKEND.
SINCERLY.

DARK N TWISTY;AWESOME PARTY.
REALLY.

I THINK I AM SO OVERWORKED THAT I HAD FORGOTEN HOW TO GET DRUNK AND TALK JIBBERISH WITH MY OH-SO-COOL-SUPER-GIRL-CREW. (just realised im writing in CAPS)

rewind

Valentines week

I wasnt so excited. I usually am.Cuz im in my niche on Valentine's day. Despite the fact that I had a guy who is crazy about me by my side,I just wasnt into it. 'im just nOt that into him' (read the book? or seen the film?)
I dont give a hoot now for being judged.
"Oh Purple dew good men dont come that easy... Anyway, you should know." my frenemy sent that text. Stupid. So she met this good guy and all she does EVERYTIME is tell me how lucky she is. Shit! shut the fuck up!!! ( she's baby's ex... YES MY BABY.)

I know that Brit is the BEST GUY IN THE WORLD!!!! I KNOOOOOOOW. Every time i hear someone telling me that, I see this animation in my head of him standing on top of the world (in space) with a huge grin on his face and a gleaming BRIGHT GOLD MEDAL on his right shoulder reading, "THE BEST GUY IN THE WORLD!"
Mayn, I get it.
I know this though, that I am not screwing up if I leave him. His not Mine. There is some girl out there who deserves him. And Im just wasting his time.
He wouldnt hear of this though. I told him. By the pool on Sunday night at my place.
Sigh... I keep seeing my knight in shining armour in my head. ITS NOT HIM.

In the process now of finally ending this.
I love you Brit.
If it wasnt for you, I would have never believed that there are STILL good men out there. (i thought they were extinct)... ( he doesnt read this. Im just relaying this to the Universe).


SO SATURDAY NIGHT!!! FU*N
We leave black rose's house AND head to Westy. Brit had been calling all day by then since he was already there (at Bacchus)... But we went to Qs. And I wanted to go to Qs. Not bacchus and play wife.
I see DAINTY DIVA (DD) at the other end of the bar.. You mean she's back from SA!! excitement! I buy her a shot of tequilla. we do it..FIre! Her side kick shows up. She used to be like my BFF in highschool but nowadais she has a weng, and a lame attitude. This isnt hollywood hunny. She hasnt even flown out to ANYWHERE so me that weng... pleeeez.

Puppy cmes up to me and says that RUFF GURL is looking for me and that shes upstairs. another one of my highschool mates. so we go up. IM tipsy by now. As we peep onto the roof top, the first person I see belive it or not is MARRIED GUY! ahahaha! This guy i could swear was stalking me! Qz isnt even his crowd. Shouldnt he be babysitting??

Hes been hitting on me for like 4 weeks now. Its kind of weird. eugh. But i just lenga. Good thing is that he throws drinks like madddd!( my bday is next weekend i have to call him)... So i say hi. as usuall he gives me that drooling look. Smirk. I roll my eyes when he's not looking. Intro him to Puppy, hoping that he falls in love with her and leaves me alone. he offers me a cigi.

PARRRTTYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Brit shows up.

I spent the whole night moving from Married guys table (where we were all sitting) to Brits table (he was sitting at the counter).

I got drunkkkk!!
Blast married guy and tell him to stop hitting on me. Hes all gentlemanish so he's calm and all. Kind of handsome...yeah yeah.. then he goes to brit and strats haviing a laugh with him. AWKWARD...

I glance over to my left and see puppy dancing with the lesbians from Uni and I almost colappse in shock. I had a fling of some sort with one of them and Puppy was all up in my space religiously condeming me...I didnt care cuz she (les gal) made my horny as hell at the time.

Eh, i have really typed without mpango. (sorry readers)
I am so bored at work now. have to keep minimizing this page when the bosses (which is everyone since im an intern) pass by.

I got to work today and discoverd that married guy is my SUPERVISOR!!!!!! CRINGE!!!!!
HAHAHA. HE HASNT SHOWN UP YET (PHEW). bUT I JUST GOT MY PAPERS WHICH HE IS MENT TO SIGN AS MY SUPERVISOR! SHAIT.
I love you ALLL!!!
TATA.

OH SHIT HE JUST PASSED BEHIND ME MY STOMACH TURNED TO JELLOO FUUUUUCKKKK! YALL DONT EVEN KNOW!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AAHAHHA

rainbow colors

another post for today!! I am having a great day at work. My supervisor has surprisngle loosened her leash on me. And three good things have happened to me today: I got a free sausage, won a bet for sh500 and got a chocolate from the guy of procurement upstairs.

My main agenda for this note was to post the beautiful LGBT flag in support of this community. I stumbled upon it while on cuppatea's blog and i was in awe when i discovered that they hae a flag!! how awesome!!
THey are a beautiful colourfull HAPPY and HOPEFULL lot and they are here to stay.
THere's no point in wars. Instead of having a human rights battle, lets do a human rights peace walk.
AND BESIDES, WILL AND GRACE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT WILL... AND THE OTHER QUEEN I FORGET HIS NAME.

OBSESSED IS ME (SEEN THE MOVIE?)

He's got evrything I want his yummy (human) being him!
I had a dream the other day about him teaching me how to drive ( i drive but havent ever since I got bashed 2 years ago), and on this day, as he was seated on the passenger's siT instructing me, his palm reassuringly on my thigh, he told me to drive to a certain location. And there was a house; meduim sized,not large, but cozy. and he took me inside, and told me it was our place.

"but i live with my parents now (they were in Nainja for 3 years) they cant let me move in with you" I cried.
"eis okay lov (british accent. You do know that he grew up in East London)... but you can come here any time you want. Spend the night.. we can cook there ( he pointed at the beautifuly laid out kitchen), Its got four bedrooms, and im getting a master bed for us."

I think i must have cum in my sleep hahaha. Or maybe shed a joyfull tear.

Where are you MAN OF MY DREAMS!!!!!!!

PS: SORT OF ENDED THINGS WITH BRIT. WILL KEEP YALL POSTED
i LOVE YOU ALL!!! MUCHO LOVE

BTW CUPPA, THE LGBT (lesbain gay bi tranni) FLAG IS SO BEAUTIFUL.I PRINTED IT FROM YOUR POST AND PLACED IT IN MY WALLET. I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS EVEN A FLAG! SINCE THE SEVENTIES. TOO AWESOME

I am the Michael Angelo of my life

Okay this is for all the brit supporters out there.
TRYING IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
I just recently revealed to myself that i dont LOVE him.I like him ALOOT but i dont love him. Problem is we're already on the i love you phase. I wasnt comfy with saying it from the begining i remember but iwas soo excited about him that i just used to say it loosely.
I regret that.
Cuz now, i think he means it and i have to say it back when i know from the bottom of my heart i dont mean it. shit! Atleast because i like him alot and hes such a great guy, its not hard to sound like i mean it. I dont want to hurt his feelings so how now after three months can i start back pedalling by asking him that we stop saying 'i love you'. Let me tell you, ths is also the shit end of the stick.

And i think hes going to bring me valentine's day gifts in the office. yeah! STAB ME IN MY EYE. Let me tell you though, i love love love just how great of a guy he is but that will never equate him to being my the one. I am the full blown romantic believe me. ask anyone! But if your mind is visualising somebody else, and your heart is rooting for it, youre going to end up just like me in this mix.

I visualise alot. I like to paint pictures of my future. Like my wedding, my husband, my house, my next meal, those Jimmy Choos that will fall from the sky like manna... and when i do this visualation thing, the love of my life is a huge built tall MAN (like O'neal !!!! well not that big but thereabouts ...but if he comes looking like shaquel i wont mind), DARK skinned, so so very handsome, great teeth, CONFIDENT AND STRAIGHT FOWARD,looks good in a shirt and smells good, good heart, sharp intellect, large DI*$!, good education, funny (the usuall here)... Anyway, let me not sound too demanding but Brit falls short only on the personality profile( and a bit on the physical but thats not a probsince hes still really hot) For the most part, he is the best guy with the biggest heart but i feel as though I have a bigger pesonality presence than him. He's quiet, which is good, and i want my FOREVER to be just as calm and quiet cuz im talkative nini nini, but i wonder whether he would stand up for me in an argument you know? And I like a guy who has a presence.NOT EGO,OR ARROGANT AURA... i just hope yall get me. The best example i can give you is IDRIS ELBA. He was in Obsessed (with Beyonce), American Gangsta (as the guy Denzel shot point blank on the street) and Daddy's little girls. Thats my forever! praise the lord.

Im trying to focus on all of Brit's good, and not the bad that i dont want. So far so good but i know tht after some time i will want more and i might just bail.
Mucho Cyber Love!!!!

STUPID GIRL

Yesterday I went for the march on uhuru highway that commemorated the life and death of Martin Njuma may he rest in peace.

By then, my feelings for Brit had gone on a plunging decline. I invited him to come for the walk with me...

Before he told me about how they (his family and he)were at a rocky financial place, i was fine with stuff such as handling the bill, using pubic transport together etc. After he told me this truth however, shit in my mind has just changed.

We were in the jav going to the venue on barichO road where the walk/march was going to begin and all i could think was, "When we get married we'll still be javing?"
And then he was wearing thos african beaded chains. I liked it...yeah, if I was 17. "Where is his golden man chain? ...?" i thought. I was goimg to introduce him to alot of high end people that day...
Yeah youre probably thinking im a total bitch, but you knw what, JUDGE ME. Had it been me reading this i would think the same.

So we got there. Met Bootyfull and her-triplet (i forget the name i gave her on my blog)
We all walked together. THere were some random side dramas happening at the event but they arent really relevant...
Her-triplet whispered in my ear, "i read your blog..."
I was glad she did so now i didint have to start explaining whats going on between me and brit. She told me she'd beat me if i left him over something like money.
I couldnt agree more.
Bootyfull on the other hand said that i cant force myself to be where i cant and if i want to leave, i should...
I tried to shove that advice aside.

The walk was refeshing. I wished i walked like that evryday. I need to change my lifestyle!

After that, we went up to the old K1 now called THE CLICK, and had a few drinks.
I was like, "arrrgh, i dont want to spend my money." a.k.a i dont want to handle the bill. What i had in my wallet was for the dentist appointment i was to have today (it was a horror by the way).
The thought of me doing that made me want to just leave.

But shock!!! He was handling the bill.

BUT...

It felt like my heart was already out the door :-(
I wasnt feelong him.
"shit purpledew, you'll never get a guylike this one!" I scolded myself.

But even as he reached in for a kiss, i hoped that it would be a quick kiss.

So I told him. That I wanted to leave him.
The excuse i used was so far fetched but he bought it.
I watched his heart break infront of me. He is so handsome :-(.
(note; i dint leave him, i just suggested it)...that sounds so stupid.

On the way home, we were quiet.
He walked me home, holding my hand while looking down. I still didn't
want to change my mind.

WE got to this tree that he likes to call my spot and looked me dead in the eye and said,
"If you leave me you'll shred life apart."
"Babe... I dont know..."i mumbled
He was choking his words by now.
"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me purpledew i told you that and i love you so much. I wioll maik you appy (his british accent had started to escalate)"

I felt TERRIBLE!!! AND I JUST WANTED TO CRY
I started to imagine myself in a reality show where brit and I were the stars and now everyone who was watching was jus thinkig how terrible I am. And then I saw myself on the show of "The Bachelor, The Men say it all" and the people in the audience were hurling insults at me. and then, i felt bad.. and i wept a little. and he, unsurprisingly hugged me.

We were now not almost separated.

This morniing he asked me if i would change my facebook relationship status when i became his GIRLFRIEND. I frowned at that last word.


STUCK.