Conservativeliberal

THIS IS (COULD BE) IT!

2011-10-05T00:16:00.000-07:00

Good things coming my way these last few months of 2011!!!

Despite this being the most challenging year of my life emotionally; with Garry and Andrew, and having been on a crash course for “long distance is a bitch/ assholes will always be assholes/5 new ways to get your heartbroken”, I think I will come out fine. I will have battle scars and painful memories but really, that’s the case when you survive a war. I am still far from leaving the war but I’m approaching its end, where the winner surely will be me, but even this is not a guarantee. Nonetheless, I will come out fine.

It is not a war I can evade but one that was placed on the path of my destiny.

I hope to make peace with Garry and I have been trying to reach him with no avail these past few days.

And with Andrew, weeeeeeeeeeelll I like the Kid. I wanna be with him.

Still!!! Good things coming my way these last few months of 2011- in other areas of my life!

And lastly, there has been a SECURITY BREECH with my blog. Some friend of mine who’s always known about my blog told her friend who’s a girl who used to sleep and fling with Daisy’s ex man (during their relationship with D. Go figure). the girl told Daisy's ex man,the ex man told D about it and she told me.

So should I continue blogging about my quest for happiness, health and wealth on here if everything I write will soon become public knowledge??? I dunno.

This could be the last time ya’ll hear from me.

It’s been real tho and I truly, truly love ya’ll. Appreciate the support!

Peace and Love
Purple :*

HOME SWEET HOME?

2011-09-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

USA was great! Just got back a week ago and I miss being on vacay. New York, DC ,Philly, plus its environs, the earthquake and hurricane Irene all aweeesomE!I am glad to be home though. Really, there is no place like home.

Adventure chronicles will not be posted on here (sorry) but I will tell you, if you r planning to visit the big apple, a must eat is Little Italy in downtown New York. Great food, great ambience very Italian and outdoorsish, and hot lush men. Carry your GPS and make a list of must sees before you go there…if you can purchase a metro card for the subway online before hand, that too would be great.

So..!!!

A month before I left for USA, Garry and I had been in communication – which may I add he was good at, unlike in our relationship where he said he couldn’t keep up with because of our time difference and distance. If you can recall, he contacted me first as I was visiting my friend *Kendra and her newborn. He asked me to forgive him for his indiscretions with my ex bestfriend, Daisy, asked if I still loved him, if I was interested in building a friendship post the drama etc etc. I was wary but I agreed. I will admit that over time my feelings for him started to resurface. Then one day, he called me and asked that we skype. I told him I would get back to him in a few min. I was scared that I would fall in love for sure once I saw him…half an hour later, I went online and for the first time since our break up in feb, I saw him. Mayn…

Imagine if happiness was a crystal sphere the size of a tennis ball with gold dust swirling inside it like a wind over the ocean. Imagine that every human born had one sole purpose in life and that was to find their crystal sphere and that each sphere was subject to only one owner. Talking to Garry that morning was like watching my crystal sphere through an inpenetratable glass. Maybe that’s too dramatic of a description…and I say that only because of the pain this man has caused me has caused my heart to harden… but nonetheless, this is how I would describe it in a perfect world.

It was all shy at first as we tried to adjust to the fact that we were looking at one another eye to eye after so long and couldn’t turn away from the camera. In a short while though, the butterflies settled. Watching him speak, everything looked so new yet so familiar. We talked for hours and hours well into the afternoon. The topic of Daisy came up and again he apologized incessantly. I told him that we shouldn’t talk about it and that I was over thinking about their fling. He said if there was anything he regretted in his life this it was that.

Speaking of Daisy, I have been getting strange feelings that I will talk to her soon/she will talk to me soon. My intuition is very strong and I trust it-not always accurate but it’s one of those things that gets better with time. Albert Einstein actually said that the intuition of a man is like a muscle that when used more becomes stronger. And then last week when I went t do my hair just after I got back, my hair salonist who is also D’s was giving me back my hair products that I had left at the salon throughout my trip and he had labeled them “Daisy’s friend”… I thought that was on omen.

Two weeks before leaving to the USA though, Garry went quiet on me. Immediately I thought that Daisy must be in his vicinity hence the reason for my gut feelings about her. I don’t know... but Garry when distracted by school, fam etc will hardly communicate with me. He didn’t even call to wish me well on my trip and so once I landed in NYC, I removed him from my facebook and decided that I would only talk to him in November (when he’ll be back) face to face. Besides, maybe he was just pre-gaming me so that he can have pussy once his back. Who the fuck knows.

Andrew. Andrew oh Andrew. So, we left it at what? I don’t rem…but just before USA I cut him off. I didn’t tell him about my trip and he found out only too late that I was not in his time zone let alone the continent. He went nuts blowing up my facebook. After a week or so I responded to him and reminded him that we are not on talking terms and should keep it that way. He flat out said NO, “we should not cut off communication” . and so after about 2 weeks I gave him my USA number and he called me every day therafter. I thought “if only he was this crazy about me when I am back home”… of course that was his way of dealing with the fact that I could just up and leave the country. He wasn’t into me as I had hoped. Despite the fact that he sent me 40,000 kes to spend on my trip.

Upon my arrival back to the 254, Andrew had to see me. He even had time on his usual “too motherfucking busy” weekday schedule. I drove to his office numb and uncertain. He burst into a smile when I walked in. he was so excited that even his assistants were wary of this Andrew. I was elated. He hugged me and kissed me and picked me up and I giggled like a 6 year old.

We had dinner that night and he brought up our relationship/flingationship. “Given my age Purple, if I date someone, say you, marriage has got to be in foresight. What’s your 5 year plan?”

“But you know I am scared to death of marriage. There is a reason why we still met given this age difference. I want commitment and after commitment and love I will allow myself to play with the idea of marriage”

“it seems we are in different stages of life Purple” he concluded and with that paid for the bill.

This weekend as would have happened before, Andrew would have invited me to his home…but he didn’t. He had an impromptu meeting in Naivasha and had to cancel. This time, unlike the past, he didn’t carry me on his business trip. Once he got back he was “super exhausted” form the trip and couldn’t meet with me. I was upset. Did he not miss me? Despite the fact that he was tired, he could have just asked me to come over and sleep next to him. In my anger I told him that “no we can’t talk tomorrow…” and so the following day he didn’t call me. This absolutely surprised me. Andrew would always call me no matter how upset or strung I was. Always. And he would not stop until I picked up the phone. Finally at night he called me and said that he would like to meet me during the week. Another weekday rendezvous that had never been a norm in our relationship/flingationship. “I will call you tomorrow afternoon and we can talk about meeting” he stated. By his tone,I can tell that this is a break up.

Sometimes I wonder why life is breaking my heart. I attract almost everything I want in my life from my phone, my job, the car I drive, cheap gym membership, to the books I read, preety much with ease but I cant manage to draw into my life a fair, pure and honest love.
Sigh…

Peace and love!
Purple.

LIMBO

2011-08-01T05:52:00.000-07:00

So I wasn’t “Done”… You know how we are as females. Any public declaration of being “done” with a man is more so to the contrary – Far from “Done”.

As would any other man, when I walked away from Andrew, he chased. Chased like a Lion on a hunt expedition, like a leopard in desperate pursuit of a meal. Like animals in the wild, men chase what flee. And when they capture, they devour. I don’t need to interpret this simile much; I was the prey, he was the predator. And I grew weary of the run on this dry savannah of broken promises and scarce oasis of friends and eventually, I was caught. Put up a good fight might I just add in my defense.

And finally in the arms of this mostly indifferent beast of man with mere compassion and true feelings for me – I felt somewhat happy. Brief, abrupt, rapid, but nonetheless, happy. He is still in my life. Situation’s the same – calls only from Thursdays, and we spend every weekend together.

2 Sundays ago, after calling me incessantly on a Saturday afternoon, Andrew invited me to his house for dinner. We ate watched a movie and had a fuck. Standard operation procedure. Next day, we wake up and he has to go to Church (yes, the pagan lifestyle is just a part of him – his devotion is anchored to Sunday morning worship). I would expect that since this was the first Sunday I had been at his houses ( I mostly go on Friday nights) he would forfeigt church for me and cuddle in bed instead. Well, that was not the case. I get up, get dressed and get going (home). I couldn’t go to church with him well cuz he didn’t ask and two, I hadn’t any fresh clothes. I was hurt at his inconsideration and so I guess while we were getting ready my silence spoke for itself and he was able in interpret it. He asked about three times what was wrong and why I was quiet and so forth but I gave no indication of feeling played but instead smiled and gave him my well rehearsed “what are talking about” puzzled look. I drove home barely able to stop myself from crying.

Later that afternoon, he called. I didn’t pick and he called two more times. If only he would be that crazy about me on weekdays right? Finally I picked. He asked me to meet him at the Riverside café – our usual late Sunday afternoon spot. I declined, said I was tired and had a busy week coming up. He wouldn’t hear of it. “I know something is wrong – meet me and let’s talk”

Of course we didn’t talk about it. We had a great lunch, as we always did. Laughed, teased, flirted, kissed – very normal couply behavior. Then after we ate, it started to dawn on me that the weekend was over, which meant being with Andrew was over – until the next weekend. I need to be able to talk to the man I am sleeping with any time. Pick up the phone and tell him about my day, tell him that I miss him and I can’t wait to kiss him again- better yet, have him do all this to me.

At that point of sorrow, I said “I can’t do this Andrew”
“Do what…”
“I know you have a very busy life- but I am not happy being your weekend squeeze. Not anymore.”
“I know…”
“And its hurts knowing that you don’t want a relationship with me” I wanted to take back those words from the air and swallow them very quickly before they reached his ears.

I blurted out in an attempt to save myself from disappointment “but it’s okay. I have had a blast and I know you have too…so let’s go our separate ways.”

Silence.

He looked down and at me dead in the face. My heart was banging like a trapped beast in my chest. I felt tears heat up my eyes. “don’t fucking cry in front of him!” I yelled at myself inside and I pushed them back. And then abruptly he looked away and said nothing.

A wave of resentment and shame and pain flowed into my heart. Finally he said, “Perhaps at this point in time, we should be friends”

The last word “friends” echoed back and forth in my conscience. I started to shake my head “no. I can’t be friends”

“Why not!” he asked

“I can’t. I’m sorry if you don’t have the capability of calculating the reasoning there…but I can’t. “ I shot back

“we should go…” I slung my bag over my shoulder and signaled for the bill. Andrew didn’t move. Instead he started to speak… I sensed worry in his voice.

I put my bag back down…He put his hand on mine and started to say all these things… He wanted me to take it a day at a time. Enjoy the ride. Well, I had done that for three months now and now the ride didn’t feel like a euphoric exciting roller coaster but instead like a dreary ‘tea cup’ ride. He walked me to my car (never done that before) and kissed my cheek, then gave me a pat on my bum like he always did when he was saying gdbye. And that was it.

The following week, I was good! Living life blah blah blah.
And then came Saturday evening. Andrew calls. I pick. I’m happy to hear his voice. He says “I want to buy you that steak you like at Onami”
“aaaaaandrew!”
“what?”
“no…! You know we are not together anymore”
Silence.
“I want to see you. I miss you”
“And I miss you! But this is going to spiral out of control” I warn him
“But I want to be in a spiral out of control with you………………………….. I just want to talk they way we do”
The steak was delicious!!! Had two apple martinis and I drove home drinking water like a dehydrated camel.

That was my weekend to party and have a wild time cuz I hadn’t been out in a couple of weeks and I really wanted to let lose so when I got home and I changed into my sexy outfit and went to my same ol spot.

Guess who I met there? *David. Ya’ll remember him? Point 5 guy with the killer body and pretty boy looks? The one I stopped picking his calls as soon as Alex walced into my life? Went on a couple of dates with him? Yup. That David. I was already pretty drunk when he said hello stopping me on my way to the ladies. With my back toward the entrance, David placed his hands around my hips and talked into my ear trying not to kill my ear drum over the loud music. “You know you I’m not someone you met just the other day. Me and you go such a long way back Purple. So when I call you, just pick up the phone. You need to give me time to show you that I can be a good boyfriend to you”

HELOOOoo!! OOOOkayyy!!

And then I felt the weight of a heavy built man on my left shoulder. David was still going on and on. As I focused my eyes on this familiar body frame, the man turned around and smiled at me cheekily. It was Andrew. I did a “HeeeeYYY!!! Here he is!!!” redemption act as I grabbed his arm. David cordially introduced himself to Andrew. As I watched this two men, the point 5 ten times cuter and hotter that Andrew, I listened to my feelings undoubtedly gravitate towards Andrew. He was no point 5, never been a model, didn’t have an Israelite for a father but he was tall and masculine and tough and everything about him was reeking of testesterone. I love that.

So he took me home that night and on Sunday, he left me asleep in bed as he went to Church and came back with lunch. We spent the rest of the day together half in bed half on his ¾ acre lawn feeling the breeze. And then he took me home.

That was yesterday.

I don’t expect him to give me what I want; ask me to be his woman or love me the way I want to be loved. But for now, I am not going to break sweat about it.
Let’s just wait and see.

Peace & Love
Purple.

BAD ASS

2011-06-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

Where shall I begin!!!

We left it at my last post where everybody warned me against Andrew. “leave him alone!!! ” “OMG Andrew is a jerk Purple are u mad” “Aiii that guy has too much ego”
Let’s re-cap shall we… Andrew is mister big masculine guy whose business card I smacked with a red kiss. The sexy Audi guy who disappeared on me after a steamy make out session at the club’s elevator only to tell me two weeks later he’s been in New York for work and is in Las Vegas for the weekend. Andrew.
Bad ASS, Rude Boy, Rough talking Andrew.

I heeded the warnings, I really did. I took it all in. And then I sat on my bed and thought, I could either stay alone and experience heartbreak all over again over the whole Garry+Dee situation, or I could be with Andrew; have him distract me. The latter was much more alluring.

And so, it began.

We would see each other on weekends and on weekdays he would, as usual hardly call me…I would try and start a little conversation, his one line responses would tick me off, I’d bitch and moan to my girls, they would either give the “I told you so” stories or the “he’s such as ass” shoulders to lean on… and it all worked fine for me. I would say, “Is this really worth it?” and then I would remember that it was either this or heartbreak. And I would opt for the “this”. Within a couple of weeks, I was used to the not calling much. I was even fine with it! I was also not thinking about Garry at ALL. My friends even said that I didn’t talk about him at all. I was pleased. I loved Andrew’s house, I loved watching him train boxing, I loved his cars and his speeding, I loved the spontaneous business trips out of town where he would carry me along, it was…okay. He was not emotionally invested in me, but I was fine with it. He taught me to be indifferent and not give a shit. I wouldn’t think Andrew and I were a match anyways! He is too short tempered and impulsive and selfish and therefore in any case I couldn’t date him nonetheless… So I didn’t invest emotionally with him as well, or so I thought.

One Friday night, I wanted more. I didn’t really have anyone to call after work, or text goodnight, or visit in the middle of the week… I have always wanted that. I knew that! But now that my basic emotional needs were catered for ie, no crying over Garry, I got laid every weekend or whenever a public holiday fell in the middle of the week, My dinner was paid for, drinks too, and I was satisfied at that basic level, I felt like I needed to move up to the next level.

That same Friday night, Andrew upset me. Correction-he hurt me. I was hurt by his actions and crude comments. Given that he is so domineering, I could not tell him how he made me feel for fear of sparking a fight. Because of how he hurt me, I felt it was time for me to leave him. He took me home with him that night, we had great sex; we always did…the next day he made b/fast and took my for my drama class,and I wore his clothes. The next day after that, Sunday now, he picked me up and we had a late lunch at the Riverside café. It was delicious. We had a great laugh, I wished his best friend, who was in the hopital, a quick recovery over his phone, and he took me home.

On Monday night, I called him.
“Hi…can you talk?”
“I’m about to leave the house…Speak” he said in his usual Andrew bad boy tone
“Whats up with the fucking attitude” I asked not really bothered for a remorseful response
“…no.. im walking to my car. Im about to drive so, speak” he said.
“ok… then um, we’ll talk tomorrow.” I said
“No its ok …” his voice was softer now
“Let me call you when youre not on the move babe…” I say
“ummmm okay” he finished flat toned.And I hang up.

Five Minutes later, he calls me back.

“Purple. What’s the matter. You sound sad” he says in a very political tone.
“well… I don’t want us to talk when you’re driving…” I respond
“NO… come on. Talk to me.”
“okay……. Um…………….. I don’t want to carry on with what we have.”

Silence.

“Why.”
“I mean…after Friday, I really cant. I am not about that Andrew”
"Okay... I know youre not about that Dew (he calls me by my Kikuyu name), . You had been feeling like this all weekend?”
“Yes I have.”

SILENCE.

“I’m sorry about Friday.” He says

And then there’s a small back and forth over the Friday night incident. He apologizes again and again.

“I know Andrew, I know. It’s okay. I just can’t carry on and I simply couldn’t wait for the weekend when you will have time to see me so that I could tell you this… I’m sorry this has to be over the phone ”

SILENCE

“Hello Andrew?”
“Look, Dew ... You’re a grown woman, so… I guess-"
The call gets disconnected! He calls back.

“Let’s talk about this later?” he says… “okay,please. I will call you later?”

I am taken aback. I had prepared myself for a break up. Later in Andrew’s words means three or four days later. Once, I had wanted to speak to him but he was busy. He was to get back to me later, and he called after three days. I know those the tell tale sign of “He’s just not that into you” but look, we’ve already gone through my other options.

I sat on the floor speechless. I was still nervous from the phone call. Was that a hint of emotion I heard in his voice? I head never heard him talk like that…with… affection.

The next day at 9am, I was busy at work when I saw “DON’T CALL” calling me (that’s the caller I.D I gave Andrew) I could nt believe it. I picked up. He was asking me how may day was. At 9 am? I told him I was a little busy, something I would never say to Andrew, but he didn’t become defensive. Instead he continued to talk about how he has to go and do this and that and that he hoped I had a great day.

Over the next few days, he called some more. Once at least each day. I was already on EXIT mode so I didn’t really reciprocate. And then a strange thing happened on that week when I was at *Kendra’s visiting her and her newborn, Garry called. YUP. Garry. He told me that he loves me and this he cant believe he let what we had go. He talked to me about the whole Daisy fling, said it meant nothing and that he thought she understood that he was in it for the sex. I didn’t care anymore. “we broke up 5 months ago Garry” I reminded him. “I know. I know. But you weren’t my gurl when I did what I did with Daisy. She was just a fling. I love you so much and I am sure of it now”

Okay! Seriously! What the fuck. What was all this.I listened to him. I had already forgiven him. But now I don’t know what in heaven’s name made him call me after such a long time. We talked for an hour. And then I sorta just forgot about it.

On Friday, Andrew called me at 8pm. I had been working late that day and was on my way to ‘Electric Avenue’ to meet my girls. He said “turn around and come to my house. Lets have a drink here and I will take you back to your friends”

“im already here Andrew, and im using the company taxi, I cant turn around. If you want o see me come!” I finished laughing

“er…my er leg is hurting today” he said obviously lying. He had had a massive boxing fight with his trainer the day before.

“Okay…!Fine” I responded in fake enthusiasm and hang up

At about 1am, I was beat. It was time to go home. I had had a good night. I turned to Wanjiru, my neighbor, whom I was going home with that night and asked her if she was ready to leave. As we were walking out, Wanjiru was stopped by one of her admirers at the club. I walked on. On my way down the narrow staircase, I spotted Wanjiru’s boyfriend. He had told her he was at home asleep and on the on the other hand, he wasnt supposed to know that she was out that night. They had been having some issues of late. The moment I spotted him I turned around and ran back up to Wanjiru and hissed “Patrick is here!!!” I was half laughing at myself and her frozen reaction when she grabbed my arm and ran to the toilet with me.

“Purple are you SURE it was Patrick!” she exhaled
“Yes I am sure! He is in a white shirt! I’m sure” I yelled back
“okay fine” And she was out the door. I stood in the toilet laughing. And then I redid my make up and walked out 5 minutes later.

I went back to my seat where my girls were at and sat, waiting for the confrontation between Wanjiru and her boyfriend to end. My gurls were all busy canoodling with their boyfriends, and so I was preety much staring into space. And so I felt sad that I was alone. That dreadful lonely feeling that always crept up on me when I was in the club was starting to tease my conscience. It had been over 5 weeks since I last felt it…since Andrew came into my life.

“What the fuck I cant believe I’m feeling this again” I murmered to myself as I buried my face in my hands. I decided that the right place to go and cry would be the bathroom, and so I stood up to head there. When I raised my eyes to look up, I saw Andrew.

He had just walked into the club. His giagantic bouncer-like frame and masculine shoulders were paving through the crowd in front of him in his arrogant swagger.He was saying hallo to Wanjiru now, and she was pointing out my location for him. My heart banged so hard when I processed what I was seeing. In a fraction of a second I spun my head the other direction, pretending I hadn’t seen him. I walked to Puppy, my BFF, and told her that Andrew was in the club! She couldn’t believe it. “did you tell him you were here???” She asked demanding an answer… “Well kind of! But not really. I didn’t tell him to come! I just told him I was coming to meet yal here. And he said his leg was fucked so he couldnt come or whatever”

So…
That whole night, Andrew was like…really, into me. He paid attention to me 100%. Holding me close, whispering shit in my ear… When normally he’d say something stupid and ide walk off to chat with someone else and he would just let me go, laughing at my highly strung nature, this time he pulled me back to him, coaxing a smile outta me. I mean that’s normal couple behavior, but Andrew is NOT like that. His bad ass. I have pretty much only dated bad boys…so I know them. And Andrew is the worst. But that night… that was unusual

I didn’t go home with him that night as I always spent every Friday over at his house. He was disappointed. Asked me why I made up my mind to go to my own home so quickly. “But Friday night is u and me..” he said. I didn’t know how to accommodate this new Andrew. I wasn’t sure whether to trust it or not. He was very…intouch. But the moment he realized this, he was back on Bad boy mode, making that downward sneer as he said “It’s cool.” And I would say “I’ll come over tomorrow.”

As I was driving home with a drunk Wanjiru who’s man left her at the club after their confrontation, Andrew called…asked if I was okay to drive, where I had reached and that I must call him once I get home.

Following day, I went to his house.

To repay his kindness, I bought him an expensive painting which he said he would hang in the living room the following week. There was no emotion attached to the gift really. I just bought it – as a response to his kindness.

I didn’t know where we stood or why he didn’t bring up the fact that I dumped him already. So I just went with the flow. Garry called me at some point that day, and Andrew was watching my face burst into a smile when I saw his caller ID. He asked me about Garry. I told him he was nobody. He didn’t believe me.

The following week, this week, I thought that Andrew and I had generated a new culture given he’s previous week’s actions. One where he called me on weekdays as well as weekends and called me on my way home to say he will miss me.But that wasn’t the case. He didn’t call on Monday or Tuesday. On Wednesday I wrote him a text. “Lord Andrew, Im fine thanks. How are you!”

His response “I’m good. Mad busy. Tax deadlines”

We were back to our usual on liner texts it seemed.

I do appreciate that Andrew helped me get over Garry. I am also very much aware that what we have is 70% more likely to fail as a relationship and 100% more likely to work as a fling. But now, I want more. Maybe not from him, but I cant carry on this way.

Garry’s been calling me and texting me everyday since last week. I always pick. Andrew wont call. So why not.

But I think now, I should cut them both off.

Garry is into me because he knows I have a man. Andrew can only have me as an accessory to his sex life. And with both men, I cant survive for long without breaking down. So yesterday, before writing this blog, I asked Andrew on text “Hey,tax deadlines met? Can we meet today?”
Please note that Andrew is always “too busy” on weekdays to give me the time of day. But I was testing the genuinity of this new'into me'act.

His response was non lucid “Not Yet!”

He didn’t mention my request for a rendezvous. Typical. So I responded, “Well my dear! Have yourself a lovely weekend. Pay up soon. Tax evasion is a crime :-) ! TATA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

He got the hint. He knew I was on my way out the door. A text came almost immidiately “You can come and watch me fight if you like”

And I replied “Naaaah thanks. MWAH”

Im just bored of his shit. I don’t care about how busy he gets and how he works out everyday after work and how Al Capone needed a shot (His Doberman mutt who I baby sit from time to time) or whareva! I belive him, I know he is extremely busy, but I mean haha…don’t you know how to use your phone.

I have been ignoring his calls and messages and I think today he has had enough and he sent a text saying "I will never call you again :-)". What are we? Sixteen???!!!Whatever rocks his boat mayn. I dont even care that my favourite heels are at his house. But I think for now, Im DONE. No M.O.S.K no nothing... jus me my self and I.

Tonight, I drink!

Peace & Love
Purple

CALL ME

2011-05-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday Morning

Surprisingly no hangover from the ‘early night’ out with the colleagues.
My phone beeps… it’s a text message. I’m lethargic to open it.

Hey, how you doin? I’m back! Just landed

It was Andrew. This was the first of any contact he had made with me since he told me he was in Las Vegas two weeks prior. I ask him how the trip was. He’s response is brief and direct to the point. He uses a full stop every few words and I get the sense that he may not be interested in talking to me, yet he’s the one who made contact… so I go ahead and bloody say what I want to say,

That was a long trip. I shuda told you to get me an I-heart-NY t-shirt n jersey… It’s nice to hear from you again. So, you have my number handsome; ul let me know if you’re interested in seeing me again. Welcome back! Xoxo

Saturday night

I stayed home. By probably 11pm I was willingly deep in party free slumber… At 2.30am I woke up to go for a pee. I peed. And then I went to bed. Before allowing sleep to take over me, I checked my phone out of habit, in my one eye open routine so that sleep doesn’t escape my eyes and I saw ‘1 new message’. I opened it and found a text message from *Andrew;

Where are you?

The message had come in just 15 minutes before I woke up to use the bathroom.
And I respond…

Stayed in tonight. I’m in bed... I assumed he was at the rave and wanted to see

For a moment I was repulsed by his eagerness to get back to the Nairobi party scene not even 24 hours after his arrival. Plus I was still displeased by the fact that in the two weeks he was in the US, he hadn’t called me. By this time I had already crossed him from my list…you know, stopped seeing him as a potential boyfriend. The next day when I woke up fresh and early, happy to receive the Sunday morning in my cozy duvet, I check my phone to see a text from Andrew…

“So did I, how did you sleep?.” probably the first comma I’ve seen in his messages to me.

I must say I was a little surprised that he was bothered with me. So I told him I slept well and then I asked him what he was doing up at 2 in the morning texting me. He responded by saying in one short sentence-“couldn’t sleep” full stop. And I write
Oh yeah, you’re still on New York time. Oh well the world was ending yesterday so at least you would have been awake to see the second coming.
And then he responds

Ha ha ha! That’s right!

So I get the sense, once again, that he is done with the conversation and I don’t send ANOTHER text. Got up, made breakfast and in the afternoon met up with my girls at the Village Market, did a nice afternoon lunch, met a guy I was totally crushing on and then I got home and went to bed ready for another dragging week at the office.

Monday morning; 6.45am

I am downstairs having breakfast when I hear my cell ring from my bedroom where I had left it charging. I run upstairs sure that it’s my neighbor Caitlyn, calling to tell me that she will come get me for work at such and such a time. Surprise, surprise as I see Andrew’s caller ID.

Really; surprise, surprise.

He sounded like he had just gotten up and was still in bed. He said, “I have been holding my breath hoping that you would call me.”

I was thrown off track. What the hell is this guy talking about? He’s the one who texts me like he doesn’t want to really talk to me. And I never initiate conversations with guys who are still on the ‘hitting on me’ stage… I tell him I thought he was done talking to me. He has no idea what I’m talking about. He asks “what were you up to yesterday. I would have liked to meet you” and I tell him about the plan for Village Market. And he says “I woulda come if you told me”

"I cant call you Andrew” I laugh
“why not?” he asks
“because that’s not how it goes. You call me.” I explain
“okay… can I see you today? After work maybe?” he asks
“Yeah…” I respond happy as a fukn fat kid with candy
“what time?” he asks
“Well I’m going to the gym so…”
“okay, call me in the evening and we can plan it”
And I laugh…
“Or I should call you?” he asks and I can feel his smile in his voice
“Yes…”
“Okay…I will.”

He picks me up ten minutes earlier than we had planned. I like people who keep time. His car is Sexy as hell. He asks “dinner or drinks?” and I’m reminded of the buffet park date (gag) (refer to former blogs) and I say… “Maybe we have dinner while having a drink”. I wanted to sound diplomatic and mature and up to his level of intelligence. You see Andrew is over thirty. I am twenty three. He’s is a big man both physically and in the corporate world who has pretty much made it … and works out by boxing in his home gym. Hence the Mohammed Ali signed boxing gloves he mentioned over dinner. I have never dated a ‘rich’ guy, much less an older man so I was very much in unfamiliar territory. He had all the control.

At dinner as we were looking at the menus, he glanced at me indecisively and asked me what I was going to have. I said “chicken lemon w/salad?’ He looked down at the menu and mumbled under his breath that he too wanted something light but he really like the French fries the restaurant served. When the waiter came, notebook firmly in hand, I was getting ready to give him my order when Andrew beat me to it and said “She’ll have a chicken lemon with salad and red wine, sweet yes? And I will have the same but with French fries (then he looked at me and smiled) with a double gin and tonic please…” I was all over sudden fascinated by him. I had wanted a man who took the reins. A man who was confident and comfortable in his skin, a man who looked at me with interest as I spoke and yet spoke himself spoke of greater things. A man who was not afraid to put his arm around my waist and pull me closer to him and talk to me inches from my face…

The date went great. We laughed so much at the stories we shared that I soon forgot my nerves. Andrew kissed me many times that night. He had moved from his side of the table to mine to be close to me and he liked it when I let my hand wander over his back and neck. He said I was ‘smooth’ and would get a lot a** if I was a guy. I shrugged conceited, and he laughed. Outside my house he opened for me the door and kissed me. He said he would see me again, soon.

As I went to bed that night, the memory of Garry came to me. In comparison, honestly, Garry was not so mighty anymore. Andrew was bigger than him, smarter than him, more attentive and funnier. All over sudden I felt on top of the world and said a little prayer that he may fall in love with me.
The next day, I sent him a text to respond to one he had sent to me after the date but was already asleep by the time it came. He didn’t reply. At around close to lunch time, I sent a message saying,

“Now it’s me you have holding my breath for a text/call etc…”

Less than a minute passed and he called. He had been really busy and thought he had already texted me. He said he was sorry. I was extremely calm and secure and told him it was not a problem. He asked me what my day would be like and I gave him my schedule. Then he made laugh a little and said “okay have a nice day”. The rest of the day, there was no communication from him. I wondered if I was being needy. I went to the gym and eased off my stress. Back from the gym at 8pm, there was still no word from him. At 10.30pm, I was on the edge. I hated it when I needed someone. I knew all the rules of not contacting a guy if he doesn’t contact you esp at the beginning of a relationship. I couldn’t help it. I really couldn’t and so I texted him…

‘Hey Andrew. How was your day. I’m about to turn in…”

He responded immediately…

“Day good. Me too. Very tired.”

I read the text again. And again. Was he being rude or was he being his usual non-descriptive self. I couldn’t tell. I felt like a stupid girl having texted him.
This was all yesterday. Today I have not contacted him and neither has he contacted me. Its 2.57pm. Surely even at his lunch break he wouldn’t have halad…no? I don’t get it sometimes. Men are so oblivious. Then again I’m probably not on his mind now that he is not calling me at 6.45 in the a.m or texting me at 2 am at night.

Ef this.

Peace & Love
Purple

Ps: David sorta stood me up twice last weekend due to the nature of his extremely busy job and due to his ‘delay’ I went on the date with Andrew. David wont stop apologizing and asking for a date this weekend. I don’t know what to do…

POST BETRAYAL

2011-05-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

I don’t have much purpose for this post…
I have inspiration but no purpose if you get what I mean. There is no punch line, uh-huh moment or anything of the sort.

After receiving the news last week about Dee Dee and Garry I took three days off work. Actually, let me rephrase, I got the news after I had conveniently taken three days off work. I believe that was God/Universe/The Higher Being trying to cushion my fall. Like I always say, I don’t believe in coincidence.

First day off, I spent the whole day in bed. Crying and reminiscing.

Second day off, I finally picked up David’s calls and accepted his offer to have lunch. The date was splendid as I fairly talked about in the previous blog.

Third day off, I promised myself to draw and to consolidate my music in an organized file, and also to lay on the grass of our backyard with my arms and legs spread out.

I had been looking at the grass since we moved into the new neighbourhood a month ago and had really been wanting to do that but the day that Daisy called me-the day she told me about the sexapade with Garry, I had picked her calls in the backyard cuz you know, connection issues with international calls… As I stood in the grass barefoot staring down, listening to the details of my bff and ex bf, I realized that there were millions of tiny grass bugs in the grass. I walked around the lawn looking at these minute creatures scurry around at the stomp of my foot… these little fuckers only think about food and water. And now running away from my feet… and maybe the birds…. See I am extremely TERRIFIED of insects. I would rather a warthog chase me than a locust creep up on my back. At least you can see a warthog. So that day, I didn’t lie on the grass. I didn’t want the bugs getting on me, finding a nest in my hair and crawling into my ears at night when I’m asleep, like that movie I saw when I was a kid about the Trans Atlantic Slave Trade where some white guy got a roach in his ear from the African bush and the natives had to get it out by pouring hot wax from a candle in his ear…

And I decided to have a drink instead.
Called my neighbour *Janet and we downed a few glasses of wine. I opened up to her about Garry and Dee Dee. She went into complete hysterics about why on earth I would still be talking to Daisy. I explained to her that I genuinely loved and understood her… She thought I was a loser. I am not.
Didn’t draw or consolidate my music/lyrics that day...

Garry sent me a text … said he was sorry for hurting me and ruining my friendship with Dee Dee…and that I should think of him as a bad memory in my past. Piece of shit was just trying to say that he is okay with me hating him and that he doesn’t mind if I think ill of him. That, ladies is how a mayn tells you that he really doesn’t give a shit. If he cared he would be trying his best to make sure I didn’t think ill of him. “They’re [dee dee & gee gee] probably popping champagne in the rusty Outback watching kangaroos mate”, I thought to myself that night.

I was a wrecked mess last week.

On Friday the 13th, I woke up waiting for the curses of the day to hit me. ‘’Three bad things…they always happen in threes…” I told myself. Let it just be known that I don’t believe in that stuff and that I am all about creating and maintaining positive energy ( well I try my best to)…but that day I guess I kind of wanted the shit to happen cuz I felt that way.

As the law of attraction would have it, three really shittty things happened to me. One with Baby, yes, the well known EX, the other with David, and the last with Daisy-as a result of stories a good friend of hers who’s been in love with her for forever told me.

I sent a really crude message to Baby and the other to Daisy at the height of my drunken night. It’s just marvellous that these are two people who’ve broken my heart.

The next day I woke up hangover-very familiar feeling those past few days. It saddened me what I had become and I wept in bed before realising it was 1 pm and I had a shit load to do. So I slithered out of bed partly wishing I never woke up to see another day.

I met dad downstairs shining as bright as a button and informed him that I would not be sleeping home that night; that it was Leila’s boyfriend’s birthday and I would be attending his party and given the logistics of what I had to that day and still attend the party, it would only make sense if I slept there.

I did my hair, bought Eric (the birthday boy) a bottle of ‘Magic Moments’ vodka, shopped for leggings and got a pair, briefly met with David as he was from a meeting and was heading to the gym, then home and said he would come for the party after a nap and shower. After, I planted my ‘its gana be a good night’ smile and showed up.
The house party was unexpectedly awesome…! I enjoyed myself to bits with my oh-so-cool-super-girl-crew. I missed my girls-had been a while since we had all been together like that. And I love that we are still so close after so long… After the house party we went to the club.

I think I looked preety darn good that night… in fact the whole oh-so-cool-super-girl-crew did! We’re a gang of six hottt awesome amazing ladies: Sassy, Black Rose, Puppy, Bootyfull, Leila and myself (sure ive mentioned them all before)… We have never had a fight that’s lasted more that twenty minutes long and we all have a mutual respect for one another. I was just talking the other day with Sassy that we as a click have never fallen out and that it truly was a blessing… So, here we all were at the club, making a scene with our youthful carousing and hearty revelry.

I sat on the lounge chair with this all too familiar feeling in my heart...if yal know what I mean. Around me, all my gurls (well except two who got a litol too tipsy at the house party to come) were swinging in the arms of their boyfriends. Ya’ll don’t even know what I’m talking about because I can’t describe the happiness that I was amidst. All my girls are in healthy happy relationships, all over one year old - and that’s as real and as close as I can get. I was at a freaking date night and didn’t even realise it…on my own all dolled up in my pink hugging dress and aviator heels cut low enough to show my ankle tattoo. It was nice watching them, all of them, laughing and giggling with their better halves at inside jokes, sharing and exchanging dirty looks, and then calling me up occasionally for a third wheeler dance. Oh and you shoulda seen Puppy! Christ even I felt in love just by lookin at her. See her & Daisy r who I call my best friends cuz I am closest to them, but my whole crew are preety much my best friends…That’s the happiest I had ever seen Puppy… Smiling the WHOLE night!!! The Whole night!!! Rem I told you she’s like the hottest chic in Nairobi...? She looked so beautiful and so happy that she woulda lit up my house with her glow. She was finally reunited with the love of her life after four years of separation by oceans & continents…He looked happy as fuck too. Everyone did. Bloody fantastic.

Well at least Janet was there… and she kept me company… I still had a great night. Ended up coming home tho…cuz Janet, Mandy and I r from the same neighbourhood and Mandy had her car so I hitched a ride… I could only imagine going to Aggie’s, where the party was and where everyone was going back to after the rave and having to cover my ears with a pillow to muffle the groans of moans of passionate love making from all the happy couples there. No pun ya’ll... but you know… that would kind of be hard for me.

Woke up dreading another Monday… got to work and well, its Monday night… Six pence none the richer’s playing  on DSTV radio and it feels so not another teen movie in my head right now.

David didn’t show by the way. It’s okay.

Daisy and I are not talking now… Haven’t heard from Garry since his text… I wish them both utmost misery. Well you know, if they end up together… like I hope he wakes up and doesn’t like her morning breath, or she finds his unflushed poop in the toilet as she’s going to brush her teeth… or she finds him drooling on her pillow as he snores with his mouth wide open or that maybe he wakes up and discovers she’s a night farter… mmh, I could write a song about that.

But if they don’t end up together, well, I hope that my friendship with D is fixed and that, Garry thinks of me everyday in the ‘depths of his despair’- Adele

Peace & Love
Purple

WHO'S GOT YOUR BACK: PART 2

2011-05-12T06:24:00.000-07:00

PART TWO:
Andrew didn’t say much to me after our steamy rendezvous. I was too proud to call him first and simply tried to pick and prod the whole situation with my girls at work.

Next weekend, Anthony David was coming to town. No way on earth was I missing that concert. Gat advance tickets decided that I would wear the dress that Daisy had sent for me from Australia just a few days ago with her brother (along with Adele’s new album 21).

Concert day-I was syked. Did some errands with Catelyn my neighbor and got home just in time to shower and change for the concert. Still no word from Andrew or Daisy or Garry for that matter. I got home and changed my mind about wearing the dress. Wore leggings, ankle length boots, a top and a boyfriend jacket…

The concert was great. After that the girls and I packed my car (my momma’s car) and headed to electric avenue, aka Westy. Club number 1: Bachus. Hoped to bump into Andrew there but there was no sign of him or his car. Went to another club, same club that Andrew and me were getting busy, and by then I was drunkish. Walking into the club, I spot *David in front of us. He’s hot. Light skinned, looks like he gyms everyday by the size of his arms and tone of his thighs and is commercially too bloody cute. Not my type. For the body, I would def say it’s a yes, but the pretty boy Justin Timberlake face and light skin, naaat so much. He’s also an old friend. Been knowing him since I was 12years old and he 15. I yelled, “Omigaaad why them jeans so tight!” and my girls burst out laughing. He turned around in a staggering motion. Omigosh he cannot be drunk! For the longest time I knew David, he was a health freak and never drank alcohol. He laughed after seeing me and we hugged. He leaned on me a little longer than usual. “Jeez how’d u get so high!!!”I asked him, and he stammered “don’t judge me Purple, been a tough day”… I promised not to and said I would see him at the club.

At the club I am bored stiff. The music is pounding in my ears and the alcohol tastes like bitter herbs. I want to go home. Self pity creeps in… I start to think about how I am a single girl clubbing every weekend looking for happiness and never finding it. I’m done clubbing…I need to start drawing again. That’s what I’ll do with my Saturday nights. And now that I’m starting piano classes I can think of some melodies for the songs I’ve written. I look back at my past relationships. Baby was the last serious like, proper serious boyfriend I had and that relationship failed… and then I thought of Brit… Ya’l remember him? He was such a good man, and then I thought of motor cycle guy and then of Garry. I looked at my phone. “No more drunk texts girl please...” I pleaded with my conscience. I drunk text, “This Usher song reminds me of the day you were dancing in my house… (plus some another rubbish I wrote)” , finish, send.

David stumbled towards me. I tried to avoid eye contact. I didnt want to talk to anyone. “Heeeeyy Purple”… his eyes were dancing and his face brightened up as he smiled at me with that infectious gorgeous grin. “Looking good!” he drawled. “Thanks…” I responded looking down at my boots. “Hey Puppy!” he yelled over the music to my girl. Ahh so that’s why he’s here… Puppy’s like the hottest chic in Nairobi. I moved back tryna give him room to talk to her. But then he moved when I moved and made himself comfy next to me. “Mayn the girls in this club!” he exhaled, “wooH, had to get away, they were bugging me.” he finished, giving away his signature smile. I got a flash of the Colgate advertisement. “Well maybe if you hadn’t broken bad looking this good, you’d be sitting here with us!” I joked. He leaned into my ear… “Where is your boyfriend…what was his name…?” he looked up squinting trying to remember.

“Hahaha, Baby? We broke up a year ago! I think it will be two years in October…!” I shouted back.
“No! has it really been that long?” he asked astonished. I nodded back smiling. “it has been a minute!”
“You really loved that guy Purple.” He began. “But you were sad weren’t you? How come you never called me?”

You see, David and I grew up in the same church. When he was in his mid teens, he became an usher for the youth service. When I turned fourteen, a friend of mine who had the hugest crush on David convinced me into becoming an usher with her so that she could be close to him. At 14 I didn’t really have a type and I thought he was cute too so I said why nat. All through high school, David had always been someone I looked up to. He became head usher for the teen service at some point and I remember I used to see him like he was my boss and big brother. He said to me one day, “Purple, maybe you should get a looser fitting skirt. You know how the people from the main Church are.” I was growing hips at that age and everything I owned started to get tight. So I always felt fat and took this as an insult and never looked at David with dreamy eyes ever again. To me he was dead.

In University, we joined the same school. Girls thought he was lush. I didn’t see it. By then, if you were not dark and handsome, I never looked your way. He would come up to me and say, “Purple, call me sometime. You don’t look too happy with this guy.” This was towards the end of my relationship with Baby. I didn’t call David cuz it sounded like he wanted to preach to me. And my relationship with religion had greatly deteriorated by this time.
David kissed me that night. Three times. I kissed him back. For the hell of it. He never left my side. He made me promise that I would call him once I got home. I reminded him that I was fine and that he was just drunk and I wish him well. He said he would call me the next day to prove that he is very aware of what just took place.
He called. Wanted to see me. I was too hangover. He called again, “when r u free then, I want to show you something” “Well I want to take three days off work from tomorrow so we can plan something.” Done.

At night, I paced around my room and finally text Andrew.
“Hi Lov… So, now that I am in moderate limbo, can I just ask; do you have a woman? Am I too young? Nat you type? Maybe a lousy kisser? I can take it, really.”

Two minutes later…

Ha ha ha! None of the above. I’m in Las Vegas, Nevada!... hence my silence bayb.

“As in U.S.A?”

“Yup”

“Party scene here nat enough for you? Had to go to sin city!!! I don’t buy that excuse for the silence, but I’ll take it. Work or Leisure?”

“New York for work, Vegas for the weekend. I think you are extremely hot Purple… there was no pun intended. Pole for the silence”

“Okay, get me a chip from that place of the ‘Hangover’ (movie)..what was it, ‘Ceaser’s Palace? You rem when the retard asked the receptionist in the film… “Did he really live here? You know… Ceasar?”

“Ha ha ha! I miss your humor P. Was there last night. Bring you a chip then.”

Monday morning, I send Daisy a message. I want so much to tell her about Andrew and how I’m crazy about him and also about David. But with the way she has been acting lately, I wonder if I should even bother. But then she really gets me… and I start to feel bad. I have to fix this, I think to myself.

So I send her a message. It’s pleasantries at first but she’s almost same ol’ D! I’m excited and feel that the time is right to mention to her that there is a strain that I think we should fix. Garry should be behind us. He has no stake in defining our ten year friendship. Along the conversation, she apologizes for closing up to me and says that that is just how she is when she senses anger or judgment from people (she’s referring to the time when I lost it after she told me about Garry hitting on her). I apologized for my quickness to anger.

“Are you ready to talk about Garry” she said/texted
I had no fucking idea where this was going but responded “I’m all in…”
And she begun.

From the moment she landed in Melbourne, Garry did not leave her side. He was the perfect gentleman, opening doors for her, paying her bills, refilling her glass, cupping her face in his hands and declaring her outstanding beauty… she was confused. She didn’t like it. This was my turf, she reminded herself…and she didn’t like smokers besides. But Garry was persistent.
On the day that she had to drop her little brother at the airport to return to Nairobi, Garry insisted on coming along. So there they were like a cute family, driving to the airport. After that they went to the club where they would wait for the rest of the gang. Girls were literally chasing Garry around the club she said. He was lusted over by women in Melbourne and Sidney and he knows it.
One girl, as they were sitted talking and Garry was busy getting jealous over some other guy talking to Daisy, climbed onto a speaker and started dancing trying to get his attention. She had no panties on. Garry walked away. From the bar, Daisy looked back and saw him walk away from another bunch of girls that were all over him. He came to her with a drink in his hand for her. She was blown away at how all these girls wanted him but all he wanted was her.

Later that night/or some night… he kissed her. Over and over and over. He said that he wanted her. She declined, he groaned, “but why Dee-Dee”; he already had a pet name for her. And she said “you know why”…and with that went to bed. I assume I was the ‘why’.

The next day, they hooked up. She was ashamed and didn’t like it. She asked her friend from Sidney, Gabby, if she should tell me what she just did. Gabby warned her against it. And then she had sex with him again.

It was his birthday now. She took him bowling. At first he was apprehensive, but finally agreed to go. He turned out to be great! He even hit a strike! YIPPEE-FUCKING-DEEE!!! And then he said, “It’s all cuza Daisy”. And now! By then, they were a couple. He introduced her as his woman. And they had sex again.

One of Gabby’s friends had come along from Sidney with Gabby because she wanted to hang out with Garry. She was absolutely in love with him. On his birthday, she bought him a cake and surprised Garry at the house while Daisy was in the shower. She told Garry about her feelings for him, but he said he was feeling Dee and wasn’t interested. She took a flight back to Sidney that night.

As ya’ll may remember, Garry was to call me on his birthday, he didn’t.

As Dee Dee and G were watching movies in each other’s arms after a meal that one of them cooked for the other one evening, Sue walks into the house and stops dead in her tracks at this grotesque sight.

See Garry lived with three people in this house; Himself, Robert and Sue. Sue was extremely in love with Garry. Sue’s name was on the lease.

She marched to Robert and said, “I want that bitch out of my house!”
Garry wouldn’t have any of it. “If she leaves, I leave!” and Sue relaxed her grip. Daisy was uneasy. “Maybe I should leave” “no stay”. He was firm.

God knows if they had sex again, because she mentioned his loud snoring. Which I had told her about when me G were together…and we laughed about it. Garry said defensively, “it’s because I was sleeping on my back!” Sleeping on his back because he was holding me in his arms…

After everybody had gone back to their respective cities, Daisy stayed behind and played house with my ex mayn. Later on, she saw it fit to leave.

In Adelaide, they were eager to continue what they had started. G asked her to go online and they talked every so often. He was now pursuing a similar long distance relationship with her. Like he did with me.

“Its going to be hard Purple, but it will make us stronger.” He said to me once.

After some time however, Daisy said that she could no longer continue with the relationship. He couldn’t stop talking about all these girls that were hitting on him and saying stuff like “what are you going to do…”

By this time I was crying on my bedroom floor. It was as if the pain in my chest was too heavy because my entire upper body was on the ground, my face burning with tears. Daisy went on and on about the relationship/fling. She wasn’t holding back. Not that I wanted her to, but it hurt too much hearing all this; in detail.

My dream, my six foot one, dark skinned heavy built muscular I’ll pay for your ticket in June I can’t wait to kiss you again of a man was sleeping with my best friend.

As she lay it all down on the table for me, Garry's image kept on coming into my mind-when he undressed and stood naked in front of me, fearless; his hefty body glistening in the dark, before devouring me. An image I replayed in my mind every single day in wait of his second coming, and now she was the woman on the bed. Unbelievable.

And then I remembered the day he broke my heart. I am extremely uncomfortable with crying in front of people but I called Daisy, and she came to my house, and nursed me day after day, back to proximal happiness. I couldn’t fucking believe it. I had never felt this way about any man. Ever. And she knew this. I used to be the hugest skeptic of love at first sight, until I saw Garry. Folks, it exists.

I threw up two times that mornining. And my acidity came back.

I do not believe in coincidence.
There is a reason he came into my life. There is a reason that Daisy was there for me, and there is a reason she was the one who did this to me.

It’s been two days since I got the news. I’m much better now.

Had my first date with David. He saw my artwork and was convinced that I am sitting on a prime talent. He makes me blush and such, kissing my cheek at lunch and holding my hand under the table when I am talking. He’s absolutely gorgeous. Inside and out. He’s determined, passionate and sweet. And he believes in me. For some strange, reason, he does. I dunno why…

Andrew hasn’t spoken to me since Sunday, aka, Las Vegas.

Garry and me spoke on Monday when Daisy broke the news to me. He apologized for everything. Even for breaking communication with me that day many weeks ago. He said, “I’m not into her”... And many other things about Daisy I choose not to write on here.

Daisy and I are still friends. She apologized incessantly… I try to be empathetic to her. That she had missed being loved and Garry swept her away. She swears that she is not interested in him in the slightest bit anymore. He is immature and smokes…she says. I love Daisy… I hate that she did this to me. She had a bigger stake in our friendship and Garry was just being single, I tried to explain to her. He fucked up for sure by banging my best friend, but, I mean, if he was fucking some other bitch who am I to give a damn? D on the other hand, like I said, had a huge stake with me. And so, the betrayal lies with her. Never him.

I don’t know for sure what happened between them but just as Regina Brett said, all that matters is that you loved.

Peace and Love,
Purple.

WHO'S GOT YOUR BACK?

2011-05-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

For oloyal who are ganna read this, go head and toss in some microwave popcorn and pop open a coke cuz this is a gana be a block buster ride…!

Disclaimer: It has been over 4 months since Garry and I parted ways. I am still in love with him.

PART ONE
About a month ago, there was this huge rugby tournament in Adelaide, Australia. The Kenya sevens team was going to be taking part and so of course the entire Kenyan diaspora in Australia would be attending.

Remember one of my best friends who I named *Daisy on here? She studies in Adelaide. And as you all well know, Garry’s in Melbourne.So… a week before the rugby tournament, Garry and me have a HUGE fight and he says he never wants to speak to me ever again. “We are cutting all modes of communication Purple!” he retorted into my ears over and over. (ref to former blog)

During the rugby tournament, Daisy sends me a text on ‘whatsapp’ (as will be our main mode of communication for the rest of this story) telling me that she just spotted G in Adelaide at the rugby after party and he was wearing the t-shirt I bought him. Garry had just gotten them into the club for free and he looked good. Et cetera … so I ask, “is he with another girl, who is he with, has he talked about me?”… this went on for… a while. I'm excited she tells me all this! And then she was back to partying.

I didn’t talk to her again that whole weekend cuz I was losing my mind thinking about Garry and I didn’t want to hear what he was up to just yet. Finally I think what was a week or so later I texted her… How was it, How was G, did he speak of me? And her response was vague and somewhat evasive. She probably thought that her response was normal but I pick up these things from people who are close to me. How we talk, has always been very detailed and lucid, and given that I was asking about the so called love of my life no-man-has-ever-had this-impact-on-me person, her formless words raised a warning sign pretty much instantly. After a few more attempts she did mention that when she brought up my name on the table (they sat together at the club) he stood up and walked off. Oooooo-ooo.

A couple of days later, after everyone was back in their respective cities, she tells me that Yes indeed, he did mention my name. He pulled her aside from the crowd and started to tell her why me and him broke up. That he wanted her to hear his side of the story. That he genuinely liked me and he meant everything he said to me, and that I am a good girlfriend and know how to treat a man, but the long distance and the realization that this was heading to a serious relationship scared him half to death and he just couldn’t go ahead with what we had planned together.

Question: what role did she have in Garry’s life that was so important that he had to defend himself to her?

She said to me, girl he really likes you. But I think G is the kind of man that you have to wait for to grow up because he is immature. You should date him when he is like 26 cuz he was oogling over chick’s asses like he was 13. I was so irritated.

Question: He is a free man, I am nat he’s woman no more and I know I gat my own fine behind so I’m nat insecure there thank the Lord ( and ma mama)…but why on earth though do you give a damn what he’s oogling over? Why were you irritated? Mmh…

A couple weeks later I am sitting at my office cubicle bored out of my mind and I start to entertain my suspicions about Daisy. I write a song, about it. And I love it. I show it to Ronnie (6ft dark chocolate candy mayn ladies I can hook ya’ll up) and he thinks it’s awesome. He says “maybe you should ask this girl you’re talking about if she’s creeping with Garry” (so he knows the whole G story but nat about Daisy et cetera) And I say “she’ll think I’m crazy I don’t have any basis for such a question” and he says as a matter of factly, “Yeah you do. Look at what you just wrote”

I took out my phone two days later, and asked her…
“Babe I need you to be real honest with me. Is Garry hitting on you?”
She took thirty minutes to respond.
“Honestly, babe, I think he is.
But I’m not sure… he wouldn’t leave my side during Adeleide sevens (the rugby tournament – and this is like two weeks later). He was always where I was, saying stuff like he doesn’t want niggaz to hit on me /disturb me, at first I thought it was because I was hanging out with his baby cousin’s friend!”
I say, “Its okay. I knew. I just wanted to hear it from you”
She responds, “OH mY GOD HE TOLD YOU?????????!”
And I’m taken a back by her surprise and say, “No, I just felt it…”

I walk to the ladies bathroom and lock the door behind me and break down. Last time I cried like that was when Garry told me that we should break up. Thirty minutes later I go back to my desk.

I ask her if she feels him, if she is attracted to him because let’s face it, Garry is fucking attractive… and she says alarmingly, “OMG no way! Purple I would never ever go there! I know what the two of you shared. He’s so immature and he smokes I don’t even like that.”

This back and forth goes on for a while and eventually I am settled knowing that she is not in the least bit interested in him.

One week later, it’s heading to Easter Holiday. Daisy is heading to Melbourne with a bunch of her friends from Sidney. I wonder if she is going to Melbourne because of Garry and think I’m overreacting. Daisy is too mature for this kind of shit. She wouldn’t do that to me. She was there for me every day when he broke my heart. That week on Thursday night, day before easter, Im out with Black Rose at Bachus drinking wine. We wanted to catch up… I’m a light weight and the wine was sweet. I didn’t realize how quick it was getting to my head. Ronnie says he’s leaving and confirms if I’m okay to go home on my own and I say “yeah of course! Thanks for everything Love.” And he’s off. Something was odd about him that evening. Black rose and I catch up…we are both drunk. The conversations get emotional…I tell her of my suspicions of Daisy and Garry. She is grounded on the fact that Daisy and I go way back and I have nothing to worry about.

At the peak of my drunken stupor, I text Garry. A first communication attempt since he lost his temper with me. “She’s my best friend G. For fuck’s sake, get with someone else”… I hit send.

I show the message to Black rose. She laughs at my spelling errors and retypes it and sends it again.

We move to another club. And then another club... I meet a bunch of other friends – my neighbours. Black Rose heads home I spot *Andrew. He looks so fly that night. He’s a huge Spartan of a man with bouldering shoulders and beastly arms perfect to lift my hips… I reapply my red lipstick and half catwalk half stagger towards him. He’s pleasantly surprised to see me. We chit-chat. God knows I can’t speak straight. He gives me his business card. “Call me sometime…” I kiss the white card stamping it with my red lipstick and ask the bar tender for a pen and write my number on the back and give it back to him… He pulls me into his arms and bursts out laughing, his entire frame shaking from laughter causing my breasts to shift with this ramble. I laugh at this. I guess he thinks I’m laughing with him… He takes the card, and says slipping it into his wallet, “Dew (he calls me by my second name), you’ve really grown up I see.” Andrew’s a friend of my cousin’s husband. We met years before when I was just 19 or 20. I was dating Baby at the time.

I get home. Take out my phone out before bed and see “1 new Message…Read?”I know in my heart of hearts that it is Garry… I open the message.
“Hi Purple. Lets talk. Stuff can really be misconstrued via text. Let me know when I can call you.”

I read the message over and over and over looking for any hint of emotion. Maybe he wants me back. Maybe we can be together now. Maybe I can go to Australia in June like he promised! Maybe I can start art classes in Melbourne and get my own place because I surely don’t want to create a strain in our relationship by living with him! A man needs his space. I read it one last time. I had no idea what the hell misconstrued meant. So I dash to my brother room to get the dictionary. He sleeps like a drunk sailor and can’t hear me knock. Fuck. It hits me like a light bulb! My damn phone has a dictionary.

Misconstrue : to misunderstand, to interpret wrongly.

I blush at my man’s intelligence.

“You can call me now.” I reply. Its 3 am in the morning, I’m drunk, but that would mean that it is 11am in Australia and that’s a good time to have a chat ain it…? He calls…before I pick, I look at his name on my phone screen and savor the moment. I had waited so long for the day I would see his number on my phone again. “Hi!!!!!!” I screamed. He laughed and said hi back.

We talked about all sorts of things. Actually I talked and he did most of the listening. I apologized for my rumbling, he said “no, no you know I like it when you talk…” we didn’t mention the whole thing with him and Daisy until I brought it up probably 10 minutes later. He hesitated. I panicked and realized that being the man that he was, he was about to get frank with me and I couldn’t bear to hear him talk about how she blows him away or anything of the sort. So I said, “No wait, Garry. I know you can be brutally honest, so I’m sorry for making you call me but, I don’t think I wanna hear it anymore.” And then there was silence and he said, “Look, let me at least tell you this, I don’t feel her and I am not at this moment in time hitting on Daisy.”

I went to bed happy that night. More so because I heard his voice again, and I heard him laugh, and heard him say my name. I wondered why he wouldn’t love me and gave up on the stupid fantasy the minute it crept into my conscience.

The next day, he called again. I was on my way out of the house to watch a play and was still at the mirror fixing my make-up. He was at some house party and was talking a little too much than usual. Asking me shit. The last time Garry cared what I was up to was when he was my boyfriend. “Baby are you drunk?” I asked half laughing. “yeah, yeah you can tell?” he asked. “Definitely… are you with Daisy?” I asked plainly. He responded too quick “Yeah she’s here at the party. She just got to Melbourne.” My heart skipped a beat and he changed the topic “text me on my birthday okay” … I didn’t want to. His birthday would be four days away and I didn’t want to go along my week looking forward to talking to him. Because I would start to love him again. I tried to explain this to him cz men just dont get such shit. And he said “Okay then I will call you.”

That whole week, I wasn’t at peace. Andrew and I chatted on phone endlessly. He was a busy man but loved his drink and despised chicks with drama and hoped to quit smoking some day. He liked my forwardness and blunt remarks.

A day after Garry’s birthday, I sent Daisy a message. I asked her if he was still hitting on her. She said that he was still treating them like a gentleman but no, he definitely was not hitting on her anymore.Another strained megs, i thot.

That weekend I met up with Andrew. At the club his white t-shirt molded his torso beautifully. True to his physique, his arms were strong and he lifted me in the elevator as we made out like post teen randys. He walked me to the car and kissed me. “Are you sure you don’t want me take you home?” I looked over at his sexy Audi and then to my gurl who had blacked out drunk in the front seat and said, “Not tonight…” “when can I see you again?” he was towering over me now… I slipped into the car when I felt his hardness on my pelvis, “I’ll call you handsome.”

The following week I tried telling Daisy about him. How I was completely lust over him and couldn’t wait to finally be with a man after 4 months since Garry and that I was worried that he might have a streak of bad-boy in him that I must avoid and so maybe I should call the whole thing off... but as had been Daisy of late, her response was empty and awkward. “awww im happy for you” she said. I hated that the whole Garry hitting on her thing had created a rift between us. I asked her how she was enjoying Melboune and how Garry was. She said he’s fine and that they had all been hanging out together her crew and his. I asked how his birthday went as it was a few days after his birthday… she said it was simple, that his friend bought him cake and that they (they being G and his friends) had been partying all week. “its demonic here!” and I responded “Celebrate your graduation babe to the fullest. Tear it down.”

( ( part two in next blog ) )

IN MY HEART

2011-04-07T05:59:00.000-07:00

He phoned to tell me that he would be landing in three days. He would be staying at his aunt’s, a relative he trusted that wouldn’t blow his cover that he was in the country before school break. He said he couldn’t wait to see me.
Three days later at twilight, his white Mitsubishi pulled up into my parking lot. When the door bell rang my heart fumbled to get its beat together! I could already smell him… I opened the door and there was my man. All 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo in a white sweater of him. “G!” I screamed leaping into his arms where I was received gracefully. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry for everything. I was unresponsive, but only because so many beautiful feelings were overwhelming me! He hunched his shoulders to cup my face with his palms and said it again looking for answers in my eyes “Purple, forgive me?”
“yes yes yes G…”
We went to Masai Mara and then to Mombasa. He told me to leave the man I was currently seeing and be with him. I sent a text on the spot to the guy and told him bluntly that we were not working out and that I wished him happiness. We made love all the time. I had forgotten how strong he was inside me. I loved him.
When we got back to Nairobi, ten days had passed. We were at a party of his friend’s and he was showing me off with a huge grin on his bold African face. I never felt so complete.I stood over the balcony watching the crowd below me dancing and drinking the night away. When I turned around, Garry was standing there. Watching me. No expression on his face. I smiled at him expecting him to break out of his trance and walk towards me and kiss me or something of the sort, but he just stood there looking at me over his strong chin – holding his drink. Finally he walked to me and I was relieved. Then he placed his palm on my chest as softly as a feather would land on the ground and suddenly I felt a wave of emotional pain burst inside me! He was looking at me dead in the eye and then in one swift motion, he pushed me off the balcony.
My mouth was still agape as I watched Garry recede further and further from me in my descent. He watched me fall from the balcony, his drink still in his hand. My eyes filled with tears and confusion and hurt. And then I landed on the floor. I wasn’t hurt. I stood up still crying, burying my hands into my palms in shame. When I looked up, Garry was running to the edge of the staircase frantic as if someone else had pushed me and he had tuned into a nutcase trying to get to me to see if I was okay.
“But you told me You Loved Me!!!” I screamed at him
“I said I was sorry Purple!” he retorted and threw his hand in the air as a sign of frustration.
I thought for a moment “maybe he’s sorry…No, but he was looking at me as me as I fell with no remorse.” And with that, I walked away. I saw him walk away too, back into the crowd. I got into the car and cried for ages before finally leaving.

I woke up suddenly. I was crying. I touched my face and felt that my cheeks were moist and burning from the tears. My heart was paining – you know, I was hurting. I couldn’t remember what had just happened or what I had just dreamt. I don’t normally have dreams that I wake up out of so I was quite confused. What was going on? My alarm clock suddenly startled me causing me to break from thought. Was it morning already! I slumped back onto my pillow trying to remember what I dreamt about. I gave up after about ten minutes and went to the shower.

On my way to work, everything come flooding back to me like a time warp in fast forward! I remembered his white sweater, this kiss at the door when I first saw him, making out at the beach; loose memories form the Mara, and then, the ‘murder’. I’m telling you, it hit me like a brick on the head. I even had to put my hand over my mouth to cover my shock. He looked so clear in my dreams! I could see his entire face…:-(.

My eyes got teary and a felt sadness and self pity. But I didn’t cry. People in traffic would think I was some crazy chick.

At work, I googled dream interpretations: Falling dreams, dreams where you’re ‘killed’ but don’t die. There were all these interpretations that even I would have come up with on my own.They didnt really give me the explanations I needed. At last, I texted G. We hadn’t talked in two weeks. I told him about the dream trying my best to attach as much emotion as I could to the words. Three hours later, he responded “You know I would never push you baby.” As usual. Short, non-explanatory, evasive texts. I got mad at him but mostly at me for even bothering. I had been doing well trying to move on.

Two weeks later, he called me. We had been in communication on and off mostly on facebook. I picked up the phone half nervous half excited that he rung. What I thought was going to be a sweet mellow covering up what we feel for each other conversation tuned into the worst I ever had with a man in my life. He was FURIOUS!
I had sent him a text two days before which he had not replied to – so in a weak moment I wrote to him “G, why do you take so long to respond…? If u r going to be giving me your full attention and then suddenly going A wall, should we be talking at all? Look, I have a man so I’m not tryna get with you. You know how it is with us. Xoxo” Of course I don’t have a man, first off, but there have been rumors that got to him in Melbourne that I had been seen with some guy and when he asked me about it, I brushed it off like I didn’t want to talk abt it. Having him believe that I was with someone gave me some of the power that I had lost when I fell so blindly for him.

He was talking loudly over phone – not necessarily shouting. He was saying how angry I make him sometimes, how I should realize that there is a time difference between Ke and Aus and so when he takes long to reply to a message I should ‘‘Learn’’ patience. “You don’t even know what I was doing Purple or why I didn’t reply on time. And why the hell would you tell me you have a man! So you’re dating that guy???! All the best in your new found happiness!!”

I have never been spoken to like this by man. So let me just say I was dumbfounded. I tried to stand up for myself but suddenly he said “No Purple. Listen. I don’t. want. To. Ever. Talk. To you again.”

I had already settled myself in the car from my desk so that my colleagues wouldn’t see us fight and when I heard those words from the cell, the only thing I could say was “I’m sorry” “there’s no need to be sorry. It won’t make any sense to since we are cutting all communication channels as of now.”

This man, all 6foot one, broad chested, damn Mandingo of a man had already broken my heart before. You have read it in my other blogs. And so as I sat there in the car waiting for the pain, sorrow and anguish that I expected would follow such harsh remarks, I was … shall I say, pleased, that I felt nothing. It was as if instead of the words flying into my heart through my sweater into my chest and nesting a home there, they flew right past and disintegrated in the air like gun powder from a fired pistol. I did try and plead with him to calm down for I didn’t know that he had such a temper but he found all my efforts pointless since ‘’we were cutting all communication” shortly. And I even cried after the phone call ended but I cried out all of the Garry that was left in me. I went back to my desk and worked in my 8-5 like nothing had happened. I even saw a naked man that day! Really. Even the universe was trying to cheer me up.

All of last weekend, at Adelaide sevens in Australia, Daisy was with Garry. If you remember, Daisy is one of my best friends who is studying in that retarded country (no offence down unders) she told me that he was wearing one of the t-shirts I bought him and that he looked great but didn’t mention my name once. Even when she started to talk about me on the table, he stood up and walked away. And she even said that she suspects that he had his eye on her, that he could have been hitting on her, but she’s not sure. She’s met someone who she is smitten over.
It hurt me a whole lot that he would hit on my bf… anyways, Im here, and I might not be happy with my job, my dreams being so far, and with my roller coaster love life, but I am secure.
Peace & Love
Purple.

M.O.S.K

2011-03-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

When I broke up with *Baby over a year ago, the idea of getting a calmer, taller, bigger, more together, more fascinated by me and in love with me man got me past my Baby-withdrawal moments. Also I just needed a break. I had lost three years of my life swimming in his toxicity (as I have so often described that relationship) and all I wanted then was to break free and be alone. No man, No due responsibilities and no commitments. No running out of money or out of my mind tryna keep us together… Just me, myself and I. (That song is still one of my favorite Beyonce singles) Bottom line, I wanted a better me, and a better man
When Garry came into my life…

Can I just take a moment here…

When Garry strolled into my life…in his black jacket and unapologetic swag… (Looking for the words)…

You know how when we were kids there was always a mapera tree in our estates. And every day at some point, we would go and climb the tree and see who can get the biggest reddest orangest mapera? Usually the ones that only birds would peck on and leave half eaten exposing the inner scarlet of the fruit for those of us on worm’s eye view to lust over? Do you remember how, the maperas we would get would be white inside and if you were lucky or brave enough to defy gravity you would get at least a pale pink looking one that you would only share with your best friend? Do ya’ll remember those days? Well that’s a peek into my childhood. *smile* And then, one day, you make friends with the boy who can run the fastest, bat the hardest and jump the furthest (do I hear three sticks lol) but cant climb the mapera tree to save his life because his mother told him if she ever found him on that tree or even heard that he was playing next to that tree that she would woop his sorry ass and take away his going-out-to-play rights. And you tell this kid, look, I know you can climb the highest with no fear…how’s about we get those three maperas over there (look up) and we split them 2:1. You can take two. He’s excited, all sparkly eyed and shit. And you say to yourself “Yes!” But then he says “What about my mom?” “No one’s gana tell!” “What about the ants on the top branches?”
“Okay, if you do this, I’ll let you kiss me”

Done.

He climbs, everyone’s watching, jaws dropped pin drop silence. He squeals! The ants are attacking him. “Just a couple more branches!” and eureka! He grabs the cluster of fruits and tucks them in both of his side pockets.
That afternoon, you wash the mapera and sit on the pavement with your friends in awe around you. In your hand is the neighborhood’s most priced possession. Your most priced possession. There’s no better looking mapera on the tree. You’ve never held such a huge mapera in your hand. You roll it in your palm taking in all the details of its skin. You remember all the other maperas you’d eaten before thinking about the day that you will get the mapera at the top of the tree. So big and tough those maperas.

And then you eat it; and for the first time, you know how a ripe mapera actually tastes like.

See, Garry is that mapera. As I was dating all these guys I have dated, I have known in my heart what I really wanted. That big mapera at the top of the tree. When a woman gets out or is trying to get out of a relationship, what gives her that will to leave is the idea of a better version of her current retarded boyfriend. If he doesn’t call her, doesn’t say nice things, cheats on her, she says to herself “I need a man who calls on time, treats me good and is faithful to me.” That’s what propels her into moving on! That’s what I call the moving on survival kit - MOSK

I wanted a sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent man. Doesn’t talk too much (leave that to me), can handle stressful situations well (I’ll leave that to you), taller than me , large, keeps fit, preferably dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record kinda guy. To me, TO mE, TO ME, Garry had all these qualities. And even more. He was that mapera at the top of the tree.

And now that we are done, I am having a hard time letting him go because I don’t have a MOSK.
What can I use as a MOSK?

I know that Garry probably doesn’t think he’s as great as I paint him out to be. And that I am lost in my own world falling in love with him like this, but you know what, I see him like that. He might not; ya’ll might not, but to me, from the most sincere part of my heart, Garry’s perfect. But who gives a fuck. Shrugging my shoulders.

I met this guy… he’s sincere, driven, more motivated than me, big hearted, warm, intelligent doesn’t talk too much (leaves that to me), can handle stressful situations well , taller than me , large, keeps fit, dark skinned, is working towards his dream, no criminal record. In this dainty heart of mine, feelings for him are growing…and it’s not tears watering these flowery feelings, but pecks on the cheek, good morning texts, jokes on my Whats App chat, compliments about my body… *blush

But he’s not like Garry…He’s a bit too romantic, too worried about how I’ll get home, if I got home, if I was fine getting home. Plus he’s gat baggage. Which shouldn’t be a problem, but… Garry had this ‘I’m the MAN” aura around him, that made me fall for him stupid- *blush *blush… This guy doesn’t have that.
Garry told me the other day “on the real, I think you need to let me go of me completely”. See that that last word there, completely? Sigh… He is done with me. Shrugging my shoulders

It’s been too damn long I’m still into this guy and I just want to move the hell on. I have been putting a front for my friends that I am okay, but I’m not. I’m begging God, The Universe, the genie in Aladdin, please, let me move on.

Maybe next week, or next month I won’t love you, like you don’t love me.
Peace & Love…
Purple.

UNTITLED.

2011-03-01T00:54:00.000-08:00

There are three things in my life that are important to me: My career, My Love life (friends, family included) and My health. I see them in my mind like three strong Greek pillars upon which ‘my world’ and sometimes a peaceful, meditating animation of myself sits.
I wait for the time when all these three things are in line with my Universe because it is only then that I will have reached self actualization-effortless harmony.
I have been walking around the scenes of my life with a broken heart for a month now; since Garry and I broke up. I cried too much, I sleep too little, I laugh too hard at jokes in a hopeless effort to be happy again and I think too much.
Garry called again on Wednesday. I had asked him to (Tuesday). He called when I needed to be leaving the office so that I could get to the gym and leave before dark. But because it was Garry, I stayed behind for an hour and half longer. It was a great conversation… But he still does not want to be with me. Not as long as we are not in the same country he said.
On Sunday, he called. Out of his free will. I was pleasantly surprised. Okay, I was Mind Blasted!!! #russel peters stand-up comedy Indian accent. His voice, in my ears, ya’ll just don know what it does to me. He called when I was on my way home from the hair salon. I needed to rush to the house, get changed and drive to Impala club to meet up with Super Sanguine and the rest of her gang. She had been waiting for me for 30 min already. But Garry called, and, well…I didn’t go.
I just sent him a text. He responded (shocker); a brief, evasive, ‘have a good day, thank you’ response that froze me to immobility on my way from the marketing department to my desk. And then I was just numb. It’s no surprise that he talks to me only when he wants to talk or that I had not, after everything, even once given up on what I hoped would have been.
I got to my desk, took off my rose colored glasses (as Dee would nickname my sprungness for Garry) and began to type this.
When a girl says “I’m done with this guy”, we all know, she’s everything BUT done. When you are ‘done’ with someone, you just become done. There is usually no need for a public vocal declaration. However, there is a deep determination for your mind to overcome your heart. And usually, after a few more failed attempts to reclaim you “MAN”, you start to become, indifferent. And the raging fires, thudding drums and clashing cymbals in your heart that ever so dramatically describe the love you have for this man (or woman) start to subside… And that ladies, is when you become ‘done’.
I am neither here nor there; done nor not done. Rather I am camped between these two fortresses as I negotiate with my heart to give up on this love that will never be. She (my heart) seems to be responding well to my terms. However, she warns that if there is loneliness in her near future, she will surely go back to where I am running from. I have enlightened her that even from this place, with this man, where she has grown fond of, that there was even more loneliness and a crushing rejection that she surely cannot accommodate again in her frail structure of a home where HE never came back to.
And so, with that, I am finally letting go.
To the days ahead.
I thank olaya’l who have been there for me and not once ignored my calls or failed to come visit me when my heart was breaking. And for yal who’ve been reading this blog in a silent rooting for my breakthrough, Much Love. Only happiness should be our ultimate goal.
Always,
Purpledew…

PATTERN

2011-02-22T00:38:00.000-08:00

I normally write when I have 100% inspiration...i.e when I get this intuitive nudge from within that pushes me to a keyboard. But today I have only 60% inspiration, so to speak, so I just hope that what I wanna say comes out clear...

You know what's funny with me is that when I get visions of my future; I don’t see the little kids running around the backyard like many women do. Yet I am the biggest romantic I know (well after *Kendra-high school friend. She’s on a whole other level). I see a nice house, sometimes three houses (all belonging to me), I see my nice interior living room, I see the trained dog & cat, and I see my man; Loving me ever so exclusively in his big dark frame and big ol’ bright heart. It’s not that I don’t want any kids, I didn’t say that. But neither did I say that I do… Oh and I tell ya, that’s music to my mom’s ears. She simply cannot bear the fact of having to deal with the social rejection of her first born daughter having a child out of wedlock…! When I was in high school she would say, “You should focus on your KCSE, not on boys”. In Uni she would say, “You need to focus on your career and make your own money. Those things (boyfriend/fiancé/husband) should matter after.”
Now that I have graduated and I am working she says “Not now. Think about your masters… You must be independent…”
My mother has always had a strong part in my decision making. She’s strong, determined, beautiful…and I mean this; people always say their mom’s are hot, my mom is hot. She’s funny (gat this one from her), conservative, sensitive, nagging, inquisitive & wholesome. We do not always meet eye to eye, in fact we hardly do (my dad says it’s because we are just alike-errr no we’re not r u fucking kidding me), but her voice, that voice that makes my brow plunge into an expressive thought, rings in my head whenever I am caught up in something. Like when I wanted to go outside and play on a weekday in class 7 and I knew I should have been studying, that voice came “Remember that you are now a pre-candidate …”. Or when I was in the shower hurriedly scrubbing trying not to miss the next episode of ‘Melrose Place’ on KTN, it would quiver in my psyche “Always wash behind your ears! You don’t want someone to come close to you and see your skin looking like a plate with oil that doesn’t get clean”.

Anyways, that’s just a by-the-way.

I believe that I will see the kids running around, once I have a good man. That, you see is the prerequisite to that vision. I do instead see something else … I see two girls …grown up, past their years of youthful revelry and indulgence. My two girls are beautiful and tall and they are reading the story of my life from my words…from a diary that I kept (or a blog-who knows). They’re reading about the years of my youth, my failures and successes, my heartbreaks and my journey to finding true love (their dad) because to me, love is what I live for.

Garry and I ended things a couple of weeks ago. Sigh…
It wasn’t working. I was asleep when he was awake, I was awake when he was asleep… working hours were cramped, I turned into a nag when he didn’t respond to a text, he pulled back when I wasn’t sentimental, I became non-empathetic, he became indifferent and then in a hurricane of pain and confusion I told him that we needed to end it. He couldn’t agree more.
And that was it.

I cried everyday for a week after that. I broke down in bed, I broke down in the shower-every time, I broke down in a matatu once, I was just a mess. When I went to Nanyuki for work, I remember this one morning and I just feel sorry for myself. I had to get up by 5am to prepare presentations for my boss that day…I had slept late listening to D’angelo because at the time music was the only thing that could get me past the tears. When my alarm went off at 5, I was groggy and sleep deprived… I remember feeling like my eyelids were bound together because my eyes couldn’t open…I had cried so much that I was completely swollen and puffed around my eyes. And then Garry’s memory, out of default, seeped into my conscience. Always the first thought in my head when I woke up…I switched off the alarm and lifted my body up. My chest felt like dead weight. And then suddenly I felt this burning piercing pain at the pit of my stomach. It was so painful and shockingly overwhelming that I made a screaming sound when it attacked me. And then finally my eyes opened only to allow tears to free from where they were now in constant release. My body went automatically into a curling position…I tried to press my stomach with my finger tips to locate the pain. What the hell was going on…?! I didn’t realize that it had already been thirty minutes when my colleague rung my hotel room phone. He was calling to ask if I was dressed and ready since we needed to be downstairs in the next fifteen. He asked if I was okay. I said no. “I think I have food poisoning…” I cried. He came into my room. He asked me if I needed to throw up or if I had a running stomach. “No…I was fine last night and then when I woke up today my stomach was paining” And then he looked at my face and asked, “Purple, have you been crying?”

I went to the nurse’s. It was acidity. The nurse said that I needed to take this pill and chew these other ones 8 times that day because I was one breakdown away from turning my acidity into an ulcer. “If you think that the work is stressful (the work my company was there to do) then just take a break because the stress will cause acidity and these are the last two pills I have that stop the production of acidity in your stomach. Chew these other ones (actal tums) all day anytime you feel pain but do not exceed 16 tablets…Also you should know that you could be producing acid long before your stomach starts to hurt, so take it easy” she finished.

That thirty minutes, before *Joseph came into my room to ‘save’ me, was the worst thirty minutes I had ever had in my life. I truly mean this. It was dark and sad and extremely sorrowful and how else can I describe it… It angers me that I got to this point. When I sat up on the bed and felt that piercing pain, that was Garry stabbing me with the very sword I gave to him to protect my heart. Overdramatic? Maybe, but that was what it felt like. I dated *Baby for three years: he cheated on me, he lied to me, he put me last, he loved me, he hurt me, he filled me, and when we broke up, sure my heart broke. But I was more lonely and missed the fact that he wasn’t in my bed at night than heartbroken, because I knew that relationship had to end. I met Garry once – in this beautiful dramatic acquaintance that lasted for 24 hours…we dated for 2-3weeks and he managed to break me this bad. I wonder if he was going through the same thing, or something similar… “nah, he’s probably kicking it with his boys without a care in the world” It was besides he who said that we shouldn’t talk at all after we break up…
The saddest thing-in my sleep, in my most peaceful time, I was hurting. So bad that when I woke up I had an ocean of acid in my tummy.

For the rest of the time in Nanyuki I consumed more actal tums than food or water. I had a beautiful hotel room, a scenery to die for, gourmet food, but it all meant nothing to me.
I couldn’t talk to Garry because he asked that we not talk. Despite the fact that I was busy, this here partner of mine shall I name her Heartbreak, did not leave my side. We were joined at the hip. Through the busy schedule, numerous conference calls, reservation adjustments and presentation preparations she stayed by my side pressing harder and harder into my chest as the memory of Garry’s face faded from my memory. I read in the true love magazine yesterday that it was scientifically proven now that a heartbreak causes the pain receptors in your body to be stimulated causing actual physical pain. Ha! Can you believe that! I asked my friends who I knew had had their hearts broken if they ever fell sick. “Like is it normal to be in this much pain?” most said not really but many of them said that yes they did fall sick-but not to the point where they had to go to hospital. Okay, so this is normal then, I thought. If *Patricia told me that she was so heartbroken that she used to FORGET to eat and that one time she fainted in town because of low blood sugar or whareva, and here she is, 8 months later, normal and happy then maybe I do have a chance of getting over this man.

My dad’s best man who all my life I called my uncle passed away the other day. I cried. I don’t know if it was because of the loss or because I was just depressed overall. I loved my ‘uncle’ but he had been ill a long time and I had already made peace with the fact that the man who used to buy me fudge and ask me for kisses in return is going to be gone. His daughter who was my childhood playmate and who I also love very much flew back in from the United States for the funeral. I had not seen her for almost twenty years. After the ceremony, we partied like maniacs. I was no longer in remission from my partyholic cancer…I was back in. In the meantime, *Thomas, her cousin, who I have known now for many years from different social circles started to hit on me. Tom and I well, we love the same music, (no actually he loves my music) we can have long meaningful conversations and I held him at the funeral as he wept over uncle *Eric’s descending casket. Uncle Eric and Tom were pretty close. Tom drove him to my granny’s 60 year anniversary wedding in Nyeri over a year ago, because Uncle Eric simply couldn’t miss this wedding. In his ailing frame, he managed to stand up throughout all the wedding prayers. This was the same wedding where I realized that I had to break up with Baby (refer to former blogs).

I had work every day last week but I met up with Tom everyday and drank and smoked and talked and drove around. He was my healing drug. I had already made it through a week without any breakdowns over Garry but Monday was Valentine’s Day and I didn’t want to be alone. I thought about having sex with him that day but decided not to. Garry did not call or text me.

On Sunday, I woke up hangover. I drank water and stared at my messy wardrobe in front of me. And I spotted Garry’s black sweater. I remembered him and realized I hadn’t thought about him in a couple of days. Cool. And then, my frenemies, Heartbreak along with Loneliness strolled into my bedroom with insolent looks on their faces. Heartbreak sat on the dresser far from me but Loneliness took his shoes and coat off and slithered into my bed. In a small panic, I managed a prayer… “not today God, please.”
I opened my facebook via my phone and searched for Garry. We were no longer friends on here, but I just wanted to see if in some sort of miracle way we were still friends and that all this had been a bad dream. I sent him a message. The first in a long time. Heartbreak smiled cunningly as she watched me punch in the letters “call me…”

I slept at 8pm that night (Sunday). Tom was calling me. I wasn’t in the mood so I put my phone on silent and slept. About four hours later, my Zain line which I had not used for like two weeks now started to SCREAM from under my bed in that irritating Nokia ring tone. “How did Tom get my zain number!!!” I thought. He didn’t even know I had two phones. I crawled on my stomach and reached for the damn cellie and opened one eye to look at the caller I.D. ‘Private no.’ I was now sure it was Tom. Natasha, my ‘cousin’ from the states, had that number. She must have given it to him.

“Hello??” I whispered trying to sound as sleepy and bothered as possible so as to make the conversation short.

“Helloooo?” I asked again

“Yeah. Hey...”

“Hello, who’s this” I was getting mad cuz I could feel my body waking up and I really needed to sleep to avoid a hangover day at work the next day.

“It’s Garry.” The deep, solid, unapologetic, beautiful voice said

“Omigod!” I was thrust into total consciousness.

He actually called. Can I just say, that that was the happiest I had ever been in the past three weeks. We talked… we caught up. He asked how I was doing; I asked how he was doing… He told me he missed me. And that he thought I would never talk to him again but that he doesn’t want to confuse me…because he wants out more than he wants in (of a relationship with me)… I heard him laugh…and, it felt like cold water on my overheating engine heart. And then his “mmh, mmh” sounds that he makes to show that he is listening to me when I’m talking. He told me about his near death experience and I was so shocked that I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t show him that. “I’ll call you on your birthday” he says… I say something in the lines of Oh that will be great, but what I’m really thinking is, my birthday is in two weeks…cant you call sooner…? Please.
And then I asked him if he has met someone… “nope” he brushes
“Well, I kind of have someone in my life…” I said. And I wanted to add “…but I want to be with you and not him. What can I do to make you come back to me G?” but instead I said “…but it’s nothing serious.”
And then his phone died… And that was that.

Next day, I texted him. No reply.

At night, Tom called me. Shit, I had completely forgotten about him. He asked me to give him a chance. He said, “I know you have told me that you are still in love with Garry but I’m ganna leave that as your problem. It’s not stopping me from pursuing you.” (Did I mention that Tom & Garry know each other? Yup. I just found out) And then he asked that I please text him before going to bed. I didn’t. Next day (today), he calls while I’m at work…he wants to bring me lunch. I tell him that he doesn’t have to. He mentions that he doesn’t do these kinds of things for chicks… I know that. He doesn’t have the best track record…but I don’t care, Garry is all I care about. But I accept the offer.

Garry, I just want you to know that I love you.
I don’t know why you don’t love me…
I thought for ten minutes before writing “love”, but I am sure beyond a doubt that it is what it is. You almost died; I would rather you know.

You said, ‘what r u doing to me Purple. What should I do Purple.’ You said that you miss me because you love my personality…
But that you want out, more than you want in.

What can I do to make you love me? Am I not your type? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not tall in enough or skinny enough or graceful enough? Really, what’s the issue here…

You said, “You know! I figured it out…why we didn’t work… There was a lot of miscommunication because of the distance. (yeah? No shit)… If we were both in the same place this wouldn’t be happening. I was thinking of coming for like a week, to see you…but I really want to buy a house, get some investments started here. Can I at least take you out for lunch when I get back?

You can marry me when you get back!

I love you.

Xoxo.

ALWAYS HATED SUCH ARTICLES,BUT THIS 1 HIT A RAW NERVE!!!

2011-02-01T03:54:00.000-08:00

HOW MANY DID U BREAK??? ***CRINGE***

10 Mistakes Women Make In Relationships With Men.

Author:

Stingray

Women, no matter what type, have a tendency to unintentionally
push a man\'s buttons in the beginning of a relationship. This
usually leads to the 'Where did I go wrong?', and by this time,
he\'s most likely to avoid any questions you insist on asking him
about it. There are ways to avoid this, and there are ways to
get your questions answered without having him realize he\'s
opening up. Which is a subject in itself. I am going to keep
this as short, and sweet as possible.

These are 10 mistakes women tend to make with their beaus in the
beginning, or start of a relationship, that usually get the
break-up ball rolling. These are in no particular order, as they
can vary in damage from each man. Just try to make a little note
of them, and if you catch yourself in the process of making one,
step back and ask yourself if you might regret your actions
later on.

1. Ladies, men generally know it is their 'responsibility' to
make the phone calls. Unless they are extremely insecure, in
which case why would you bother anyway, they will call you if
they want to talk to you. They will also return your calls to
them, if they want to talk to you. Trust in this, if he is into
you, he WILL call. If he doesn\'t, then be over it. You will only
annoy him, and there is no turning back from being annoying.
This has never failed, and it never will. I know it\'s hard to
fight the urge, but this is worth it in the end.

2. I know it\'s tempting when your snuggled close together to
want to talk about your relationship, and find out where you
stand in all this madness. First off, men are more action
oriented when it comes to love, the fact he is snuggling with
you is his way of showing you he cares about you. Don\'t ruin it
by trying to analyze things. You\'ll find him scooting over and
bringing that arm back from around your shoulders real quick.
Talking about feelings makes it all too much a reality for a
man, and he will close up. You might find a sensitive one here
and there, but better safe than sorry.

3. Stop asking questions about his past girlfriends. A question
or two about why they broke up is fine, you have a right to know
if she tried to kill him. But, too many questions about them can
lead to all sorts of problems, that is including a
reconciliation. You get him thinking about those good old days,
and she might be the one he\'s calling tomorrow.

4. Make it a habit of stepping outside yourself if you find that
you have been babbling on and on. Most men will listen for a
while, but when you start going into how you like to dress your
cat for the fall season, you might want to just show him
Fluffy\'s wardrobe instead of describing it for two hours.

5. Here\'s an important one, at least in the beginning, don\'t
shed any tears. If you\'ve caught a sad movie, he\'ll find it
endearing, but if your sobbing because he forgot to hold your
hand or kiss you goodbye, you are turning him off for sure.

6. This is an oldie, but a goodie. Don\'t be so available. If you
have been out a few times, the next time he asks, say you have
plans. He\'s not going to give up asking you out because you have
a life. Also, if he says he is going out with the boys tell him
how cute you think it is, and that you hope they tear it up and
have a wild time. You will score points with this, and he\'ll be
thinking about you while he\'s out. I guess you could say you\'re
putting a little reverse psychology at work here, but this is
almost always a fail proof tactic.

7. Okay Ladies, let\'s talk about Hallmark cards, greeting cards,
and just about any card you can think of. (Handmade Included)
Unless it\'s a birthday, in which case, you should get something
funny and just sign your name, don\'t give your guy cards with a
short novel written in them, or your latest poetry. This is also
including those long drawn out letters, and if your far away a
letter is okay, but stay away from the hand to hand kind. Every
man I know cringes at the thought of these. I know you want to
pour your heart out, but it\'s too much for a man to swallow when
your first starting out. If he sends them to you, then you can
send them back to him with no worries. But, this is highly
unlikely, I\'m afraid.

8. Most men know that the 'I forgot my (fill in the blank )at
your place' trick, is a sham. Unless he\'s never had any dealings
with women, he knows what your trying to do here. If he wants
you to leave your things at his place, he\'ll say ' Why don\'t you
just leave that here?' This can really creep some men out. If it
really is an accident, they will know you didn\'t mean it. It\'s a
good idea, though, to check and make sure you have everything to
avoid him mistakenly thinking you did it on purpose.

9. Unless he asks you, DON\'T show up at his work. This should be
pretty self explanatory. It\'s a bad idea on so many levels.

10. And last but not least, do not bring up marriage, and all
your hopes for a huge family. If he asks, trust that he\'s not
looking for all the dreams you had when you were 12 years old
about your wedding day, and the gown you designed. Do not talk
about what your kids would look like, and how you would raise
them together to be good caring citizens. If he initiates this
kind of talk, then you can play around with the topic, but keep
it a fun conversation, or he will be dreading he ever brought it
up. Unless your a mail order bride, and going over your
arrangements, this is something you should avoid drumming up a
conversation about.

These are 10 mistakes I see over, and over again. They are made
in many different ways, but almost always have the same negative
result. The most important thing to remember is that men are
different, and they just don\'t move to the same beat as our
drum. It\'s always the best attack to not be like all the other
girls who made him uncomfortable, and just let him have a good
time. In the beginning, let him hold the keys to all the doors
that lead to the 'feeling' rooms. He will open them when he\'s
ready, and lock them for good if you constantly knock on them

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/10-mistakes-women-make-in-relationships-with-men-3428.html

About the Author
StingRay is the astrologer at Astralis Daily
Horoscopes

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP aka LDR

2011-01-20T23:39:00.000-08:00

It’s been one hell of a ride with this one… But it looks like I am still here (there) (everywhere)
After the emotional weekend, this is an email he sent me on Monday night after a tennis match conversation we had over the phone; during which the phone line connection between Nairobi and Melbourne was crystal clear.

I wondered if it would be necessary to post this.

I believe it is. Just so we can understand where I am. Mentally, Emotionally, Psychologically.

I decided to ask him if it would be okay to post his ‘letter’ (so he calls it) ONLINE…I tried to ask on Tuesday, I couldn’t…I tried on Wednesday and on Thursday night I just blurted it out. Garry is a private person. Doesn’t like his personals aired in public.But then he said “Yeah, go ahead.”

I was pleased :-)…

I did delete a paragraph that I thought was too intimate (for yal to read :-p ) but I have not edited anything else- spelling errors and all.

This should be the last deep and detailed blog about Garry and me.
We are however, now pursuing a happily ever after.
With Love,
Purple

The truth is what this letter is about. No lines no nothing, just you and me.
Saturday night party at my place. Having loads of fun, I knew it was my last night!
Wanted to keep the night out low key say bye to the friends on the rave and Kenya.
But your bro is like “lets go to my place for more drinks?” I change n were off. We fika and
I notice u doing ur art work on the floor but i honestly thought u were covering books....
Nwa I dint take much notice. Later on Im with the fellaz kicking it on the balcony then you came, kind of noticed! Next time I saw u, u were drinking on the round table, i looked again. But i wanted a closer look so i went to the kitchen n thats when we first talked i was like she ait.
Went out to party some more, our paths crossed again(i remember bits and pieces). Truthfully when we went to the ride i was only interested in feeling on you. I was tipsy. Really dint give a fuck, But Hold on when our lips came together energy flowed out from you into my heart which i had chained up and i felt it sparkle. That wasn’t it yet.. I thought to myself this is the perfect last night fling for me before I go. We had sex. During that u told me “look at me." i did more than just look, i saw your beauty. Bado..
WHen I really Started FEELING U was when we started talking we argued a little, joked, flirted ,cuddled and fell asleep. Im thinking wow this is such a nice mama but o well i just have to sahau her. Not actually realising whats going.... I dropped you home knowing thats the end of that, but the problem was 1nce i left couldn’t stop thinking about you. I love how your skin smells forget about perfume, you have this amazing natural smell even if i asked you what perfume you wore and sprayed it,it would be empty coz your scent isn’t there.i loved it so much.
I wasn’t coming to see you l8r on that day, i was supposed to be spending quality time with the folks it being my last day. But i had to see you. I opend your door and there you are dressed in blue laying calm on your bed, the sun rays infused with the curtains and gave the room such a romantic colour and mood. I sayed Hi, you smiled and welcomed me like im the MAN. What a feeling we hugged and kissed and the process of me realizing what i feel for you began. We spoke and i began seeing you beyond your physical, im into the person inside. The way you talk, your attitude, charisma, camaraderie im just astonished how much i like the person, we touch we kiss and thats when the chains i put around my heart disappear. I gaze into your sexy eyes and a rollercoaster of emotions travel through my body. Im scared cz i dnt no what the fuck im feeling. I try to fight it cz i no im not the the type of person to fall for anyone ever. But this round the heart won the mind. You kiss my eyes and i totaly flip. WTF WTF WTF. Simple delicate kiss but it means so much to me.

I dint want to leave but i had to. Distance was separating me from some1 really special but i had to. We spoke and for the 2 days i travelled 'Purple' my darling your all i thought of. Someone like you doesn’t come around everyday i know i have searched.

As i told you before i have never been in a real relationship. I always get scared confused and back out or just avoid them, Over the years i have developed the art of shutting any i want out of my life. Very selfish not caring about any1 but myself which is wrong. Your telling me about your bad Karma? i have treated mamas in the past like dirt-use and abuse. So iv been running knowing my day will come. But i cant keep thinking like that. I live once, i decided to stop running and man up.
The past weekend when i hurt you, that was me being confused. I care so much about u and i have to be sure what i feel for you is real before i can commit myself to you because i care about u so so much and it grows everyday. But i would rather not be with you than to be with you only to break you. Im new at this and super confused. I really don’t want to lose you coz you the full package. I love the way u always call text, the concern and compassion you show makes me want to live forever. I feel the same but i have to learn how to express it coz i haven’t before. Somtimes i need space sometimes i feel like running hopefully youl learn how to handle that situation. I don’t know this or that but i know ur part of me.

Peace and love Ya'll

HALTED

2011-01-16T23:23:00.000-08:00

“Baby, baby, baby
From the day I saw you
I really really want to catch your eye
There's something special 'bout you
I must really like you
Cause not a lotta guys are worth my time
Ooo baby, baby, baby
It's gettin kind of crazy
Cause you are takin over my mind”
You don’t know my name

“I know you have said to me
This is exactly how it should be when it’s meant to be
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gon do something bout it
We should do right now”
Unthinkable

“Well you could try sleeping in my bed”
Try sleeping with a broken heart
ALICIA KEYS

One day he was telling me that he was online looking at the rates for airline tickets, asking me of I was sure coming in June was okay because it would be winter in Melbourne, asking me if I’m okay with him calling me in the middle of the night because it would be morning in Melbourne and he wants to hear my voice… and then a couple of days later, I happily and naively ask if he’s going to ask me to be his valentine and he chats back (on gmail chat) “Maybe…(smiley face)” – Warning.
Two days, silence – Warning

I called and ask why he didn’t call me when he said he would
“I told you I’m not very good with communication. I told you this wouldn’t be easy. The time difference is a killer. I’ll call you later”

Later. Two days and one night later...
I’m angry that he hasn’t made any sort of communication whatsoever until now. Not even a text to say I miss you or have a nice day. Nothing.

In a moment of vulnerability, intense emotion, sadness and a tang of booz, I send him a text asking if he’s still waiting for my answer as to whether I want to be his girl. Do you still want be my man? I will be good to you and love you. Call me tomorrow, anytime; day or night”

Next morning, he calls and I run out of the apartment in the hope of getting a clear connection cuz the lines between Nairobi and Melbourne are a nightmare.

“Call me back in a minute babe. Let me run and get the keys to the pool house cuz the network is much better there” I exhale
“Okay”… he mutters.
One minute later, my phone rings again.
“Heelloooo    ” (happiness)
“Hey… So how was XYZ last night?” he asks
“It was okay. I came home early though. Still not in the party mood”
“You should have fun Purple. Why would you want to stay home?”
This sort of takes me aback. Why is he talking like that? And doesn’t he like that nowadays I like to stay home. What’s going on with him lately.
“Well did you get my text last night?” I ignore his comment and try to save the conversation from a fight
“Oh yeah. I did. It really jazzed me…”
“okay”
“yeah..”
“And…?” at this point, pain starts to creep into my heart.

And then he says something and I don’t quite hear what. After that, the whole conversation turns to ati whats and please say that again’s
“I’ll call you when I get a better connection” he yells into the speaker
“Wait!...and when is that going to be? You have been quiet of late. I text you and you don’t reply. I email you, no response. I mean and now you’ve called me for 2 minutes and your fine with not talking to me till God knows when?”
“Purple, I WILL call you!...Okay. In the evening. Your time. Today.
“Don’t call…” I mumble
“Come on what is it?”
And I begin explaining how he’s 8 hours ahead of me and he never communicates until its night in Nairobi, meaning he goes through his whole day not halaing at me. In the while, im at my office at 10.00am saying to myself, “It’s six pm in Melbourne and no text, no email, no inbox from Garry all day – his day”. I also point out that I had to ask his cousin the other day Jeremy (also in Australia) to tell him (Garry) that I want to talk to him (this was before he had his own phone line. I mean what if I never texted Jeremy, would we even be here talking today?

“So as in Garry, just don’t call me if you’re not going to try and communicate better” I finish, fingers crossed, legs crossed, heart crossed, eyes shut…
“Okay.” And the line goes dead.

I look at my phone. Did he just hang up on me?! And then my eyes get hot and I’m stung by the gush of tears.
I start to panic! Should I call back? Oh my God. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
I call back. He doesn’t pick. I hang up. Fuck. Now I’m crying and breathing heavy...I turn my face away from the windows of the apartments facing the pool area and I stare at the river running below. Nairobi River…Black, polluted, and moving in a slow miserable almost dead slither.

My phone rings! I almost drop it. The number +614 never looked so beautiful.
“Babe did you hang up on me?” I cry
“No.” he lies. “Try and enjoy your day today ok. I’ll call you when I have a better connection. Or maybe tomorrow” And the phone goes dead again.
I didn’t even get to say anything…

Can I just say, that that was the worst day I had since I found out Baby was cheating on me three years ago.
Do I need to explain how long I cried? i can smell a break up from a planet away.
No wonder he was silent. No wonder he just suddenly isn’t good with communication. He’s not feeling me anymore!

But he asked me to be his girlfriend. And what about the airline tickets he was looking at? And the whole “I have never connected so well with anyone before” speech. And what about when he asked if I still sleep with his sweater? And when I mentioned that I could go to Melbourne for my masters instead of Philladelphia/New York (mY dream!), he was ecstatic. Where did that go???

In matters of the heart I always prefer to suffer in silence. But I couldn’t this time. I called *Daisy. Literally waking her up and just bawling. I mean she had no idea what was going on, she was trying to understand me while still trying to be sympathetic and I was just throwing phrases like “You see what I mean!??” and “I don’t understand why”. Very unnatural place for me; crying on someone’s shoulder, but so is seeing the man of your dreams, have him see you and lure you into his cask and then roll you down the hill while you’re still in it.

On Sunday, I can’t stand the silence and uncertainty. So I text
“Better connection today?”
He responds, “Call you in 30 minutes”
I calculate the time difference; it’s about 8pm in Melbourne… He must be at home... I think. Who knows. I don’t know him…!

The phone rings…I get this sick sick feeling at the pit of my stomach. I pick.
“Hello?” I try to sound cheerful
“Hey beautiful…”
“how u doin?”
“Oh well you know…mild hangover. Just chilling” His accent is going in and out: Kenyan and Brooklyn New York-ish
“Okay… so… um…” I start
“Yeah… Mayn, I don’t know what’s going on…” And then silence
“You don’t know what’s going on?” he starts to test my temper
“Yeah. Like… I don’t know. I don’t think this going to work out Purple”

Do you remember how you felt when you did your KCSE and you were on your way to school to pick up your results. The results that teachers, parents, cousins and just about everyone who had authority over you said would determine your LIFE forever… Do you remember how it felt when you were walking up to the office to pick your result’s slip and what was racing through your mind when you were ripping that envelope? How your eyes tried to stabilize as you read the grade at the bottom of the transcript? The feeling just before you saw your grade?

That feeling, everyday, for a week combined with the terror that engulfs you just before you realize there’s a speeding truck about to slam into your car and you’re in it; that’s how this felt.

My heart BROKE.

See, I am aware that I don’t even know Garry. That we met once and I fell once. I realize this. I’ve met tones of guys and been in useless relationships and moved on with my life without a hiccup (I mean u have been following my blog yes?) but Garry…! This was my forever.

I had decided to write down an extremely detailed list of the kind of partner I wanted. You know, like they tell you to in every other self help single-girl book there is in the world. And that list would make my heart skip a beat whenever I thought of ever possibly meeting this Man. I’d settle because I liked a guy and I’d let myself be wooed and you know relationshiped just cuz well, he was there and I did have feelings for him. Is there love at first sight? Absofuckingloutley. I’ve watched people talk about it, I’ve read about it etc and I believe in it. When I first saw Garry, this is exactly what happened to me. I told him he was the first guy I had ever met who I liked everything about. Even his ugly toe.

I woke up last night at half past 2 because I heard my brother’s phone ring/beep when a message came in. His room is across the hall from mine right, and it woke me up. I thought it was my phone. I thought it was Garry texting (because surely, he doesn’t want to wake his Queen by calling) to tell me he just realized he made a huge mistake. Ten seconds later I was swimming in a salty ocean of tears and unbearable pain. And so I prayed, “For whatever reason You let Garry come into my life, and for whatever reason he now doesn’t what to be with me, please, take this pain away…I’m begging”

I opened the messages in my phone. One in particular saddened me the most. I had texted him saying that I had never heard of a long distance relationship working and he had replied “Neither have I baby. But what to do…? I want to be with you” He did want to be with me.

Yeah? I donno
I don’t know what changed his mind.
Here I go again.
Hello 2011. Please, take me slow.

Peace & Love Yall

TWENTY FOUR HOURS

2011-01-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

TWENTY FOUR HOURS
When I went up country for Christmas, something changed in me. More like, settled in me. I didn’t know if it was permanent or temporary, but I liked it.

*Daisy and I had promised each other that we would be each other’s dates for new year’s eve. If you’ve been keeping tabs on my blog, you know im single. Daisy is also single, and let me just say I am so proud of her for leaving her ex! He reminds me so much of Baby!!!

However when 31st came around I wasn’t feeling it at all. The rave that is. So many times in the last 2 months I have gone out and im like, “why am I here…” (on the rave). I didn’t have a man, the men on the rave were just not for me… and yeah, I was looking for a man. A lover , a friend, a companion. I knew what I wanted.
I would find myself staring into space, (on the rave) with this feeling of dread and loneliness and suddenly, I would want to go home. And when I got home, I was so happy to go to bed. This happened so many times and when I had enough of it, I just stopped going out. Again, whether it was permanent or temporary I didn’t know, but I was liking it

I started to think what I would replace this time with… the Friday and Saturday nights. Movies, my art, and … well that’s all I had. I was tired of the night scene and if anything, I have been a single girl partying for almost a year now and not met the kind of man I wanted. So if I changed my scene, maybe I would find my man right? Sounded convincing to me. Whatever. Man or no man, catch me dead on the rave on New Year’s Eve.

I ditched Daisy on 31st. I felt really bad because I would have loved to go to Naivasha with her but I also knew I would wind up being the party pooper; quiet, lonely, and lost in fantasy.

That night I stayed home alone with five candles, popcorn and Gabriel ‘coco’ Channel’s life story movie. I enjoyed myself to bits! At midnight, I watched the fireworks from my balcony, kissed my imaginary boyfriend and went to bed at 1 am.

On January 8th, 2011, I opted to leave Quinnz (after the rugby game at impala) before nightfall cuz I wasn’t interested in partying. I got home. What to do… decided to take out my art work. My parents were away for the weekend and so my brother *David was not home, and neither was the car…more time for me then. I spilled my art supplies on the floor and started to construct a view finder. It was ridiculously demanding and I was sweating and cursing but I loved it. At 10.30 pm David strolls in with the house shopping (really at 10.30?!!), tiptoes across the mess ive made on the floor and informs me, rather than asking, that he is having four friends over for a few drinks. I was cross with him!!! All my shit was on the floor and I was already half way and if I moved it would mess everything I had been working on. After an argument though, his boys were coming.

Ten minutes later, you could hear loud late night revelries from the parking lot. Surely I hadn’t even moved my stuff. A second later the door bell rang and a huge influx of youth splurged into the living room. This wasn’t four people. This was more like fourteen people!!!
Everyone was nice though, even the drunkish girl who walked over me rushing to the toilet as I was tried to pick up my art supplies. A few minutes later David was pouring me a drink and I was in on the fun. Well kinda… I decided to sit on the dining table away from the ‘celebrations’. A couple of times though a bunch of them would come and make small talk with me, which was cool.

I needed a cigarette. I went to the balcony. There was three guys sitting on the couch there but I couldn’t really see their faces because it was pitch black. How many fucking people are there here!

“Hi, I’m Garry,” the one on the furthest left said halfway standing up. And then the other two follwed.

“Hi… Hi… Hi… I’m Purple, David’s sister” I responded smiling.

I decided I was going to smoke on the other balcony at the back of the house behind the kitchen and made some lame excuse why. I didn’t want to smoke in front of these kids.

So I left.

As I sat on the stool at the back of the house and puffed away, I thought about Gary. Briefly. I didn’t see his face but he felt, over powering – to me. He had a huge frame and a deep voice. I lost trail of that thought and thought about David…his friends were really cool. They had already made me laugh so much in a span of like 30 min .

When I got back in, I saw Garry standing by the TV and my gaze froze. He was this might huge guy with a beautiful smile and dark skin. The way his eyes nose and mouth were placed on his face was just….amazing. He caught me staring and like I had been stung in my eye I turned away.

At some point, I went to the kitchen to refill. Garry walked in behind me and sat on the counter without invitation. He said hello, again, and I smiled… “Hey” and stopped my self from almost saying “kiddo!”

“So your David’s younger sister?” he asked.

“No, elder sister.” I smiled trying not to blush.

“oh really! So you’re the one he had to check with before we could come here?”

“Is that what he said he was doing?” I asked

“Yeah… Just before we came.”

As we spoke some more it turned out he was older than me. The girl who rushed into the bathroom and some other guy in the house were his siblings and he met my brother through them.

I watched him smile as he spoke, looking at how his mouth burst into a smile when I said something funny… His shoulders were so wide. I thought about lying on his chest. And his lips were full and unmistakably African. My mind was already racing to the future… he’s perfect, I thought. He laughed again and his deep voiced, almost childish laughter choired in my ears. I fell for him instantly. And he was flirting! What was that he said about my smile? That he liked it?

And just then, this girl walked into the kitchen and walked towards Garry. She placed her hands on his lap and they started to have this conversation. At this point one of David’s friends was yelling for me to go to the living room with the bottle of vodka. I obeyed immediately and walked away. I saw from the corner of my eye Garry follow me out of the kitchen with his gaze.

That girl must be his girlfriend, I thought. She was skinny and tall and had braces. She clad in a tight skimpy black dress and what seemed like ten inch heels.
Shame on him for flirting with me while his babe was around! I had seen them talk earlier and jump up to the same music.

I carried my drink to my room and sipped in agony. I asked God why he would bring such a handsome man on the path of my life and have him taken. I was upset more so because I had nobody. I had never been single for so long. Its been months!! And months.

I dozed off and woke up to a less noisy house. It was around 1 am. I went to the living room and found David and his two best friends, *shiko and *john in the living room laughing drunkedly. I asked where everyone was. What I really wanted to ask was where Gary was. My brother said that they went home. Oh well okay. I took a shower and after that, David came knocking on my door asking if I wanted to go to the rave with them. No way hozay, I said. Shiko and John then peeped into the room… come on David’s Big sis, lets just goooo. Im flyiying out tomorrow come on, John pleaded. I was adamant. I wasn’t going. But they wouldn’t budge. So I said okay okay but if I get bored im coming home! David was so excited. My brother and me and are only close when it comes to movies so seeing him excited to want to hang out with me made want to go.

Psys will always be Psys. Crowded, Loud music, hot, and familiar faces. That feeling of dread started to creep up on me. I shook it off. Can I atleast try and enjoy myself! I stood in the sea of people and thought how nice my bed would feel… and then I saw him. Garry. My heart did a BOOM BOOM BOOM BAM!!! There he was at the back in his black Chuck Bass jacket looking like a demigod. My god you are so handsome, I whispered to myself. Omigod this is fate. And then I saw Braces Babe appear next to him. Argh this chik!!! I double checked my outfit and pursed my lips trying to spread my red lip gloss. I tried to make him notice me by standing right in front of his eye level.
David suddenly shouted in my ear, distracting my thoughts, “there is Melany!” I had called her before leaving the house to ask her where she was just in case my brothers’ friends bored me. We had decided to meet up at Psys. I rushed to her and we hugged and I shouted in her ear, “I have just seen the most beautiful man in the world. She shouted back “WHEEEEEERE!!!” and I pulled her behind me and stood about three feet away from Garry with my back towards him. Facing Melany, I said “ this guy, right here” I pointed behind me, “…with the black jacket…”

Melany frowned, “This guy???!!!”
She was pointing right above my shoulder.
“I know this guy!!!” she shouted.
He was here, saying hello to Melany. They hugged. And then he looked at me. I could swear to God he looked at me with warm romantic eyes yah!
Just go with the flow its how I felt. And then he hugged me. My body vapourized. Oh lawd he was so big. I want to marry you. What did you say? Nice to see you? Where did you go, you left me in the kitchen?

Whaaaaaat? I asked!!

“You look sexy, I like your red mini dress”….!

“OHHHHH , Thanks.” I blushed until the inside of my vagina.

“Lets go outside its too hot in here!” he yelled

“Okay” I yelled back. “Wait what about your girlfriend?”

“Who?”

“that girl with the braces? And long hair? Black dress?”

“Oh *Mary!!! My COUSIN!”

“Your cousin?!”

“Are you saying I’m incestuous?!” he joked

“No!!!” I laughed!

He held my hand and led me outside. Behind him, I felt like a feather; light as air. I was looking at how his jeans lay on his butt. Omigod, this guy…!

We got to his car…

“Back seat?” he asked

“What?” I responded.

“Yeah, I lets talk” he said. No expression.

“Well I though you meant outside. On the side walk…”

“Come on, its okay” he said.

“hey look, im not some babe your gana, you know… at the back of a car.!”

“Okay… But I just wanna talk… I want to get to know you. We’ll sit in front then,”

I didn’t want to be pushy so I got in. But I couldn’t help but think that he was just like every other guy. I was not pleased.

10 minutes into talking though, we were getting along. He was so nice to talk to and he laughed at my jokes. I ramble sometimes… and he told me about himself and what he does. We taaaaaaaaalked and talked. About relationships, lust, school, movies fashion! And finally when I was comfortable, he leaned in for a kiss.
I melted like butter on toast.
We made out. And I mean made out. His demeanour was so large. He made the car feel cramped, that turned me on. He lifted me to the passenger’s side. Everything was so soft and slow and deep. And then he said, “ You know we really click…”
“yeah I guess”, I said trying to act indifferent. And he was like “where have you been all holiday?” woooo rooomance!!!
I started to panic cuz of the cops that normally come and bust people doing it in the car so I asked him to stop.

I walked back to the club to fix my hair and was hit by the familiar heat wave from the dance floor. When I found Garry again, he was waiting for me. We sat somewhere.

Did I mention that this was his last nigh in Kenya? That he was leaving for Melbourne Australia the next day ay 11pm? No?

I was devastated but too happy to mourn.
I asked if I was going to see him the next day at least to say goodbye. He said that he had to take his folks to church in the morning and then there’s a family lunch in the afternoon and then there’s I donno what in the evening and he needs to pack and his folks would be cross with him if disappeared on his last day.

“Well, if you really want to seeme like you say you do, you’ll find a way…”

My brother came to us and said that him and two other ppl were going to finish up the night at our place. He asked if I was coming with him. I said yeah of course and started to stand up.
Garry held my hand and asked me to stay “I’ll take you home Purple”
.
“No, why don’t you come over we hang out at my house?”

“ Okay, I’ll come but can I drive with you? In my car?”

“Yeah sure if we ‘re leaving now…” I said hoping that he would say yes. I didn’t want to let him go but also not wanting to give in too easy.

“okay.” He stood up and kissed me.

In the car was him, me and braces babe. She was very young. My brother’s age. Well im 22 and shes 19 so to me that’s youuuung. Garry had to drop her home. And then we would go to my house. It turned out she lives on the same street as Baby did.

As we were driving away from Brace Babes house approaching the main road, Garry said
“I live right across the road. We can go over to my house and hang out…I’ll bring u home in the cox.”

“Are you fucking kidding me!!! All this was cuz you wanted to chipo me?!!!” I was furious!!!
“No! your house is 2 min away from here I just thought that we can stay at mine for a little bit since your bro went with a mob back to your house…!”
“Take me home.”
“Come on, baby (I was baby now). It’s my last night… I just want to spend time with you.”
And then the flash of the cartoon/animation movies of the terrier dog and poodle was it, came to mind. There was this scene, it was the terrier’s last night; he was going to be put to sleep the next day. And he used this line to get the poodle to sleep with him. Or was it that movie with the dogs that talk, Look Who’s Talking?

“Oh coz its your last night your looking for a quick shag?!”

“No. I just want to cuddle. Didn’t you say you felt it too… this energy between us?” he said, all Barry White voiced.

“No way. Home. Please. If you want to see me, you can come tomorrow. If you don’t come well then there was no energy. Me I’m not a chipo, Wat the hell”

“Okay…. Fine. To your house then…” he said, sad.
He started the car.

“Wait…” his reverse psychology was working…

“Purple, I just want more time with you. Alone…” he said reinforcing his plea

“Okay…”

Without another word the car roared to life and we crossed the road straight to the other side.
2 minutes really was 2 minutes. More like 30 seconds. His house was right there. And it was BIG. It was pitch black but I could see the white of the house reflecting from the moonlight. We walked around a couple of corners. At the back of a wall he turned towards me and pinned me on the bricks and we kissed. My heart was beating so fast I thought I would run out of breath. He pressed onto me and I felt his erection. I was moist in my panties. Cuddling my ass!

He took my hand again and led me across this lawn to like a guest house. Out of nowhere, five dogs hopped towards us. “Shit theyre ganna bark!!!” I hissed.
“No, the wont.”
They licked my naked legs and one of them hopped onto Garry. He laughed. I fell even more for this man. Those of you who know me know my love for animals. He tried to shoo them away but they followed us to the door, also not making a sound as if they could tell that we were trying to be quiet.

Once in the house/room, Garry hugged me and said… “If you don’t want to do anything, we wont.” I didn’t respond. Of course this meant, I want us to fuck.

All I will say is that the rest is history.

This ginourmous man blanketed me. He was strong. Like a gentle beast. And everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever wrote about on my wish list to the universe, everything I dreamed about during boring meetings at work, everything.

At 9am, in his arms, we were woken up by a knock on the window. “GAARRRY! Weh, Garry get the fuck up.”
I was the first to wake up. I shook him to consciousness. “Whaaaat Sam!” Gary’s voice broke.
It was his little brother. He was telling Garry that he needed to wake up because he was taking everyone to church that day. And that he should remember that Mom wanted to talk to him about something important that day over lunch. Also, he should remember how he tells his little brother to be responsible and that now it was his turn to act responsibly.

“Shut up Sammy” He yelled from the bed. It was comical really. I looked at my watch. If my folks had been home there is no wayyyy I would have spent the night there. Another reason why I thought this was fate. If not fate at least something close.
“Tell her I’m not home and go away man”
“No I want to skive church! I’ve just come from Westy man. You take them to church and let me sleep here.” Sammy said into the window. In a family of eight children, I guess one kid missing from church could go unnoticed.
Garry woke up and marched to the window. One can’t see the bed from that specific window by the way… I then heard him hiss “I have a girl here okay, fuck off!”
And then Sammy’s voice tones down to a whisper too and I heard muffled laughter and slapping around. And whats that noise? Are those condoms being passed over.

Back in bed, on his wide chest, I tried to savour the moment. We started to chat.
It started to get emotional. He asked me if I would wait for him if he asked me too. I said yes. He went back and said that asking me to do that for him would be selfish… I said it felt like we knew each other for ages. He couldn’t agree more. After about an hour of trying to figure things out, I realised I was very much into this guy. My heart was already in love with him. Maybe not real love, but you know, fallacy love. My mind was fond of him. He asked me, how much I felt for him. I said 9, on a scale of 1 to 10. He said, “get to 11 baby. I’ll be waiting”

After everybody was in church, we walked out.

This was the first time I had ever been chipod. I was a chips funga and this right here to the car in my red mini dress in the scorching of the Sunday sun was my walk of shame. Garry opened for me the door and kissed me and then looked at me. He started to walk away and I pulled him back to me. “Please stay. You don’t start school till March right?”
“ I have to go. I need to work baby.”
He turned around and went to the driver’s seat.
We spoke very little on the way to my house. I held his hand but he seemed unresponsive. What the hell was wrong with him? Is this how chiboz are dumped? Oh god I should have known.
We got to my house. I’ll call you baby. He kissed me goodbye and left.

At 2pm, I went to Masai market and started to pick out stuff to give Garry. I know he said we couldn’t meet but I couldn’t sleep and I was thinking about him all day. Maybe I can give Daisy this stuff and shell mail it to him once she gets to Adelaide (Australia).
I bought a Tusker tshit, A ‘Proudly Kenyan’ Tshit and a key holder. Then I went home. I took a shower and went to bed. Garry Garry Garry Garry, that was what was in my head.

At 4.30pm, my cell rang. “Are you at home Baby?”
His voice thrust me into complete happiness! “YES YES I am…”
“I’m a minute from your house”
“Really?!!!”
“yeah?... I told you I’d come.”
“No you didn’t!”
“Yes I did” he was laughing. Oh that sweet laugh.
Whatever okay im home.

He walked into my bedroom and I planted the hugest kiss on him!

I showed him his presents. He was so excited about the Tshirts. Especially the Tusker one saying that they were like gold in Australia. We cuddled in bed for a long time talking.

We made love again and again.

His flight was at 11 pm. He was meant to be at the airport by 8pm. At 7.15pm he was in my arms and I was kissing the scars on his face when his phone rang for the a millionth time.
That was when we realised the time. He hadn’t even packed!

“Please stay!” I begged.
“I can’t baby!!!”

We hugged and held each other. I told him I could wait for him. He said that he cant let me do that because 11 months was a long time.
He asked me if I would be feeling him like this if he wasn’t leaving in 3 hours. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Of course I would! There is absolutely nothing about you that I do not like (wanted to say love). You’re perfect. But I know he was right. I am very stingy with guys and I play hard to get. I don’t approach, I wait to be approached etc etc… all these female empowerment books, I lived by them like they were my bible. But Gary was different. I didn’t care that I was begging him to stay. And I had never fallen this fast for anyone.

I walked him to his car. My brother was all awkward cuz this was his boy. Ok whatever.
We kissed. Not like we kissed in the bedroom. A quick, awkward kiss. And he disappeared. Gone.

I went to have a shower and I cried my lungs out. I cried so hard that my throat became sore. I thanked God for bringing Gary into my life but cursed Him for taking him away. I cried. I cried and cried. One hour later, I resurrected from the steam in the shower and went to bed.

I got a text from him, “That was the best 24 hours I have ever had”

I wanted to say, I LOVE YOU, don’t go, but I replied “I feel the same. Call me at the airport love”

We talked until the very last minute. And finally he texted and said, “Taking off with your heart, My Queen”.

I will never delete his messages from my phone.

I spent the next day, Monday 10th telling Daisy all about him. She was shocked. She couldn’t believe all this had happened. Every sentence had Gary in it. Every hour I checked my phone to see if he had called me from Bangkok where he connected his flight. I was resuming work on Tuesday the following day.

I was replaying every moment with him over and over. I looked at the pics we took before bed. I woke up wearing his jumper.

I went to work humming his name.

I need to snap out of this shit man. He’s gone. But I couldn’t.

Three hours ago, I was on my way home from work. Its Tuesday evening. My phone vibrated in my bag. I recognised the number, it was Australian. I screamed for the tout to stop fucking the car. I jumped out.
I picked up the phone

“HELLO!!!!!”

“Hey baby…”

“Gary!!!!” I shouted. I crossed the road and got into Jivanjee Gardens. Crazy how I crossed the road.
The first thing he said was “Dew, I’ve missed you so much”
Did he just call me Dew? That was my middle tribes name. My heart. Oh my heart. The way I felt when he said those words.

I was so happy to hear his voice.

After asking me how my day was, he said, I want to ask you something but you have to think about it okay…
“Okay”
“Purple I want you to be my girl…”
“Omigod whaaat!”
“Just think about it okay…”
“Okaay!!!!”
“cuz its gana be hard baby… if you want to, its gana be hard.”
“I knoooow… Omigod”
“I want to pay for a ticket for you to come here!”
“OH Christ Gary!”
“I haven’t even called my folks you know. I just landed. I miss you. Youre the only person I thought about for the entire flight. Do you want to be with me? Cuz if youre ready im ready.” Etc etc etc etc

I was so happy!
Oh shit I cant believe this.

Im in a spin right now.

With Love,
Purple

Forever & Ever mode

2010-12-15T01:27:00.000-08:00

I dated Baby, my first love (note: not the love of my life) for three years. Before that, dating back to the onset of puberty, I was never really alone. My first boyfriend was Malcolm in Std 7, then I-Still-Have-a-Crush-On-You (ISHACOU) in class 8...
(A Little History on That…)
He played basketball, he was smart, he was swaaag...he was the beginning of 'my Type'; my definition of a hot guy. We were almost like best friends in STD 4&5 where we were deskies...and 2 years is a long time. But from class 6, we became sworn enemies. We didn’t speak, not even a hello, until class 8.
What happened? I donno. Hormones, I think. No, really, it was.

On the first day of Std 6, the three 6th grade classes were shuffled. ISHACOU n i ended up in the same class thank God. After the shuffle though, people were weird around each other cuz these three different classes, all of the same grade, that were now mix matched with each other were like three different cultures.

Green class was rowdy, barbaric, noisemakers, the boys mixed with the girls, the girls beat the boys up, and was always 2nd (sometimes 3rd) in grade performance. Up until Uni, these were the only two years I enjoyed school.

Red Class was full of those plastic girls. The ones who wore make up and talked about that Spanish guy from Sunset Beach in high pitched voices. In this class, boys and girls didn’t talk or play 'Hicho' or share lunch. In this class it was all, "Nancy & Jacob, sittin on a tree..." I hated this class!

And then there was Yellow class. They were okay. This class was just full of chops (smart kids/geeks). Boys and girls were awkward with each other... and really that’s all I remember.

In my mind as a 10 year old, this was how it looked to me. And I still remember it the same way! Its funny lol.

I was in Green Class/House. And so was ISHACOU.
After the shuffling, ISHACOU and I ended up in the same class. YELLOW. But cuz everyone was new to each other, it was all weird. Green girls were talking to yellow boys and their eyes would pop and they’d freeze when we tapped their shoulders. Oh gosh like that day I asked Omollo for masking tape and Jonathan looked at me like I was an alien. We couldn’t play, we couldn’t eat lunch together, ISHACOU was sitting far from me... I had to make new friends, it was weird.
And then one time, ISHACOU and I had not talked in forever cuz I mean, it was taboo, and when I made a teasy joke to him, he answered me back, like RUDELY and all the other boys BURST out laughing. He was friends with these aliens now. Dude I was so embarrassed. So I got mad and didn’t speak to him and he didn’t speak to me. For 2 years.
And then in class 8:-), he came to school with tones of junk food (from some party they had at his house). Everyone in class was surrounding his desk hoping to get a pack of masala sticks, lollipops, crisps or firecrackers. (He sat to my left, two desks in front). I just sat my desk alone eating my sandwich. Nobody asked me why I wasn’t tryna get sth from ISHACOU cuz they knew we didn’t talk. And then, I heard him shout amidst the commotion, "Purple, catch!" I didn’t even see it coming. ISHACOU had been swallowed by the crowd...I couldn’t see him; but then a packet of crisps landed on my desk. And EVERYONE turned their heads to see the crisps land on my desk like "omigod did he just do that??!! Does he have a crush on her? Are they going to date now?"

Well as history shows, it was YES, YES and YES :-)
And then when I was in high school, form 1, he flew to the USA.

In from 2 there was this guy called Alex. Dude, I just remembered him. He was Large! I mean BIG mUSCLES and tall. He wrote me often and we spent every single day of my holidays together. I’m blushing just remembering. When we were in lines at the movies or at fast food restaurants he would hold me on my waist from behind. And when we were in church standing up during prayer, I would feel the print of his huge palm on my back. One time I felt his erection when he hugged me goodnight outside my house *blush*
And then that ended. Frankly, I don’t remember how.

And then I met *Jason. I became his official girlfriend. (There were other random ppl in between before Jason & Alex but nothing legit). As I was dating Jason, the plutonic relationship between *Simon and I started to grow. Every Sunday we met at the sports club. We'd eat or watch a game of soccer. And then when dark fell, he would take me to the tennis court, underneath the bleachers and we would make out and touch each other in places even I had never touched. And so I decided to break up with *Jason. I was crazy about Simon. I thought he was crazy about me too. But one day, he sent me a message. I had been waiting all afternoon for him at our usual spot on Sunday. I think it was sometime during my midterm break.The txt message went something like:

I am studying now for my KCSE and I need to focus. Lales cant be a part of my life at the moment.

I asked his younger brother, who was sitting next to me, what 'Lales' meant, and he said, "it means chiks man! (haha)...boarding school is that rough eh?" I have never forgotten this moment. The way my heart felt.
He stopped texting, stopped writing, stopped everything.
In form 4, I met *Theodore. I had liked him for a long time but I thought he wouldn’t be interested in me cuz at the time he dated some chik who looked like she belonged on the set of 'mean girls' and I was nothing like her.
But as it turned out, he liked me. That year, he took me to Safari Sevens; my first time to go. He was the rugby captain of his high school team and this I guess gave him access to sevenz cuz we didn’t pay. He was REALLY HOT. I mean, he’s the hottest guy I have ever dated to date. He's got a chisel cut face with a strong chin and a confident nose. He's got good height, he's body is tight and built. He’s a pretty boy. A very masculine pretty boy. Like Zack Effron, Mathew MCconaughey hot. Get it? But he was also the dumbest. Completely blonde. Couldn’t make conversation, couldn’t watch a movie together, couldn’t laugh at the same jokes, couldn’t study together... So after KCSE, we broke up.

Right after that there was Fattyfat, then Funny guy, Smelly Wally, So sexy, then *Tommy, Pussy Wagon and finally Baby.

It is therefore objectively correct to conclude that I have never really been alone. Not like this year of 2010, no. This is not my territory. I’m just camping here.
So when things like those I am about to describe happen, it’s just nature’s way of telling me that "this is where you are supposed to be." (in a rshp)

When I was with Motor Cycle guy (shudder), there was this time I was leaving his house. It was raining and I was in a rush. I kissed him and quickly without a second thought said "bye I love you." I FROZE. He noticed. He immediately begins to dilute the tension. "No no it’s okay..." And I’m like "no no no no I didnt-thats not what I-I don’t love you!" I blurted. And then he started to act hurt... like make awkward faces and pinch the bridge of his nose. Dude, I say I love you, it’s awkward. I say I don’t love you, you’re Mad.???
I asked myself over and over and over why, even in the remotest of situations, that ever came out of my mouth. I was like on "forever & ever" mode. That's what I deduced. I have a mode. A mode which if turned on, by my immediate environment eg. Slow Norah Jones music, a starry night, a rainy sunset, I become this person; in love, happy, yes I will be your wife... you knooow... like, I switch from reality to Romantic Comedy.
Last Saturday, I was with MG. We were in my neighbourhood...shoud i say our neighborhood, in a bar-restaurant with his friends (hilarious guys) and one of my best friends and her friend. We must have spoken like three times only the whole afternoon cuz the table was flowing with conversation and he and I were mostly the audience. I mean we hang out all the time, me and MG. That’s just how I decided we r ganna be. No Black or White, No strings, No complications. He was sitting next to me and the whole scene was like the one from Eat Pray Love when Julia Roberts and her Italian friends were having lunch in the open Roman city and it was all happy go lucky. So I guess that put me in forever & ever mode?
Cuz when I was leaving I said to MG, "I love you"...
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUck!
"For Real?" His eyes were twinkling!
What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m telling you, this might sound crazy and non-credible, but it happens. These words, they just slide from my mouth. My eyes can see them slide down my tongue into the world with their hands up in the air as they shout "weeeeeee" down my toungue. And by the time my hands can clump my jaws shut the words have escaped and glided into the ears of person X and in a few seconds I can see them have a party in persons X's eyes.
I DON’T LOVE MG. I don’t. I don’t. If you haven’t noticed, allow me to point out that he only appears into my life when there is no one. And even so, not as a love interest. I don’t fantasize about him, or think about making love to him...or like, being with him. At all. I just like him.
You know after I went thru that heartbreak (or sth) after reading “the White Masai’ I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have normal, text book emotional tendencies.
So anyway, here I was, having told him that. I was so confused. I was now in Reality Mode.
When he was walking to his car he turned around and gave me this blushy smile. I smiled back. On my way home, he called and asked me if we could talk. Oh shit. He never calls me unless hes asking for a plan.
Note to self: Be aware of “forever & ever mode’.

SINGLE GURL PERKS

2010-12-08T02:02:00.000-08:00

Okay.
I love being single . I do. It’s the dating that sucks. The single part can suck too; when you’re all alone at night and it’s raining outside and D’angelo’s tunes are playing. So allow me to rephrase. I LIKE being single.

I know I said I would continue with The Pillars of my Life but I got lost somewhere in this thing called life.
But for one, I finally left that dreadful job euuuuuugh!!! And I got another job which I LOVE. Thank you GOD! I really have never thanked God so much in my life.
And, I left Motor Cycle guy. No regrets, although I realized that he is a bit of a jerk. Break ups reveal these things in people.

So I’m a single gal again . (MG is still somewhere as a silhouette in my life. (*no comment)

As I was handing in my resignation papers in Diabetes Limited, a guy came up and introduced himself as *Bono. He said he would like my number. I wasn’t really feeling it. I’m into love at first sight nini nini. Or at least, heart-doing-flip-flops at first sight nini nini. I gave him my number. He wasn’t so bad; nice sense of humour.
Immediately I walked out of that dreadful building, free as a bird, I got a text from Bono. Something like “So are you ganna talk to me?” Okay, ‘?????’ whats this guy talking about. I didn’t reply. I was busy anyway. I was to start my new job in three days and I needed to shop for office cloz, get my certificate from Uni blah blah blah.
Two weeks later though, he called… I was like “who is *bono,” when I read the caller ID. He asked if we could meet up for lunch. It was a Saturday afternoon and I had to go for a fitting for a dress to my cousin’s wedding. So I told him I was busy till around 5. He says, “Okay then lets meet up for a drink after”… I reluctantly said yes. It’s our first date. A bar, really? I had enough of that kind of scene for 3years with Baby (ex,~Loooooved him). But nonetheless, I was bored and I thought, “it is a sato anyway, so what the hell. This could wound up being my boyfriend.”
At 8pm, *Bono came for me. We had decided to postpone to night time. He was parked outside our apartment complex. I wondered why he didn’t drive in. He didn’t mind that I had to walk up the hill? Okay, whatever.
I’m talking to my BFF telling her that I am on my way to Tamasha as I walk out of the gate. There were two cars parked there and one, I assumed was a cab. There was a guy in a huge ( like down to your knees huge) yellow anorak askari (watchman) jacket standing next to one of the cars waiting for someone. I assumed he was a cab guy and passed him. I was busy on the phone heading towards the second parked car that only had its headlights on when I heard the guy in the jacket call out my name.
Turning around I realized it was *Bono. I froze and *Puppy (BFF) was all “hello??” on the other side of the phone.
OMG. I was so embarrassed! I rushed to hug him and apologized. He said, “looks like I don’t look like who your waiting for”… Totally ignored that and went to the passenger’s side.

Thank goodness he was easy to talk to. Here I was all dolled up, while *Bono clad in a huuuge jacket and I don’t know what else (I couldn’t see past the jacket) and what is this? Is he high? He spoke loosely and his eyes popped out of his eye sockets, bloodshot red, focusing on the road. He leaned so close to the steering wheel that his back was hunched. It was dark so I only saw this from the lights of an approaching car. What the hell.
Then he made a comment about my dress. Something about unbuttoning it and I don’t know what. That was it. No way, no how.
We stopped at an atm. He was withdrawing money. I called BFF. Told her to come save me. “Just come to Tamasha for like an hour and chill with us then say you have to go and I must come with you…!!!” I implored. She hesitated but said she would come through.
At Tamasha, (which later turned out to be buffet park…the side for wababaz,) *Bono ordered a quarter of Viceroy, and a double Vat for me. Yeah, a whole bottie for himself. TELLER WARNING ALERT NO.1.
He took off his Eskimo jacket. He was sweating (no shit!) … underneath he clad nice. A soccer jersey and jeans. Shoes; naaah. (we all do this as girls, I mean, it was the first date). *Bono was clearly high, and used such little coke to chase his triple shots a glass.
The conversation was forced and I was mostly nervous because he kept touching my knee (shudder) but he was having a great time!
Anyway, BFF was there in 30 minutes and the plan worked. *Bono had already cleared his bottie.
*note to self, no Bar – first dates.

2010-11-29T00:06:00.000-08:00

I read this book, "The White Masaai".

It's had an unusual effect on me. I've become depressed and heartbroken.

The story is about a Swiss girl who came on holiday in the late 80's in Mombasa and fell deeply in love with a Masai she met on the likoni ferry. She says that she fell in love the second she saw him. It was that kind of soul pierceing, heart stopping "my life is bout to change" kind of love. She even says in an interview i read online that it was not a good feeling. She knew that what she felt would change her life. Lketinga was very tall and dark skinned wearing the full masaai warrior rigalia, with a strong handsome face looking as she writes, like a god.
He was good natured and kind hearted and after going back to swittzerland after her holiday she gives up her whole life there to come back and be with him.

The story is extremelly moving and Corrine Hofmann's ability to vividly describe events glues you to the every page. I finished the book in two sittings and became obsessed to find out what happened next. I discovered there was a sequel. I bought it the next day even coming to work late just so that I could wait for the bookstore to open.

I wish I didnt buy the sequel(s)... Because after that, I have been going through what feels like a heartbreak. Its terrible. Three days now, I cant get the story out of my head. Lketinga still lives here in samburu. Im overcome with tears when I think about the kind of life he lives and the fact that he is not with Corrine and their daughter Napirai. How Silly is that???

The last time I was like this was a year ago after i left Baby. I dont see the connection really cuz im sure i mourned him. And I dont love this man anymore.

I fell in love with the story of Corrine and Lketinga. I really did. And now its like I am having my heart broken cuz it 'didnt work out'. And the sad ending, I cant get over it. This is so unsual.

With love,
Purple.

2010-10-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

Let me begin with the string of events that have occurred on my way to this computer...
Its about 25 degrees outside and walking in CBD at this time of day in this heat competing for sidewalk space with equally agitated civilians is not usually the best backdrop for me just before I am about to post a blog. Nonetheless, I have too many circusing thoughts and i need to lay them down here to release my mind of this over crowdedness.

I was standing on a cross roads (literally) thinking of the best aerated cyber in CBD that I can blog in before my lunch hour ended. For days I have been too tired to reach out for my laptop when I get home in the evening. Just as I was thinking about *Kent (work mate) and his favorite cyber in CBD, he leaps out right in front of me as if he was standing by the streetlight waiting for me to show up. Suddenly I can smile and laugh and make small talk of how he was just on my mind when he appeared; I had been having one of those gloomy I-hate-my-job mornings and i just didn't feel like being happy...intentionally, because the reality of my stinking job would not change the next day. But *Kent's infectious joy was able to erode all this melancholy. Just the other day I was in the same state of gloom when *Kent was sitting next to me at a meeting which we were waiting for to commence in this huge warehouse of a room with one air fan and repulsing hot air. I was slightly rude to him when he asked me what the matter was, stating that I was not my usual happy self that day. Why couldn't he see that I couldn't keep up with his upbeat, slightly childish and sometimes annoying Joy? And still after that, he was nice to me. Trying to break a smile out of me.

We crossed the road happily hand in hand; plutonically, as he made a joke, i think. I was laughing anyway. And then *Janice, my former workmate who left the company I am working for cuz she simply "isn't cut out for this shit", walked up to me with a huge smile on her face. "Purple!!!! Hiiiiiiiiii...!!!!!!"
I was so happy to see her! She was my source of happiness during my first days working for "Diabetes Limited (DL)"(not the real name) and I was extremely sad the day she left the company just three weeks after. She looked great and was "in a rush" to go and buy a pair of shoes she had left a down payment for a week before and was just horrified that the sales clerk might have sold them because she had taken too long go back and buy them. We promised each other we would hook up. *Kent had walked away. We had taken too long (15minutes) catching up and he was heading home (skiving jobo).

Just as I was watching *janice disappear round the corner, I heard my name being called out. My middle, home tribe name...(what do u call those??). I didnt respond at first cuz thats not a name that registers in my mind when I am not at home. I turned my head 2 seconds late and saw a middle aged man behind me waving frantically from inside a small firmiliar silver car. *Antony!!! my brain suddenly yelled. It was my cab guy. LOL. Heis usually stationed right outside our apartments at home and I saw him like an Uncle. He always spoke to me in vernacular stating that it was extremely important that I know how to speak in my mother tongue. I could understand the language but when it came to me forming sentences of my own, my brain just went on lock. *Antony was an old fashioned conservative kind of man with a heart of gold (cheap cab rides!!) who ironically listened to urban music, even if he couldn't sing along for the life of him. Every time i got into his car, he was listening to kiss100 or easyfm. He said to me once in Kiswahili that he enjoyed MY kind of music. Maybe he didn't, maybe he just wanted to connect with me and lied to create some kind of common ground between us so that I wouldn't haggle so much over cab fare haha.

By the time I was approaching the cyber my mood was up 150%. I was 100 km away from sadness. And then!!! an aunt of mine walks past me (she saw me i didnt see her) and shrieks my home name. Again I take a little longer than usual to respond to this call. She's sweaty and beat... looks like she just walked from muthurwa to town at 120 steps per minute. She's happy to see me all the same and asks me to hang in there (in reference to my job) and then she's off. Shes a friend of my mom's. Not my real aunt.

Its rare happenings like these that make me think that the universe is trying to send me a message. Like, "you are not alone. See all these people who love you that I just spontaneously sent to bump into you?" or "You can quit your job and still be as happy as *Janice, or end up as hassled looking as your aunt". Dude, I don't know. at least Im not so gloomy anymore. Also, it could be because im reading a very intuitive book. And so my messages to the Universe are translated with immediate effect. So all this weird/unusual stuff (unusual to me) is happening.

I might not have enough time to write about what I really wanted to today cuz my lunch break is almost over now and im 30 minutes behind schedule in sending those fucking orders.. so let me try to be brief and non explanatory.

The three most important things in my life are My Career, My Love life and My health. (family and friends fall into love life). In my mind, they appear like three big Greek pillars and on top of these pillars is the world. Sorrounded by clouds and blue skies. The 'world' is me, i think. Anyway this is how they appear in my mind. Right now, none of these pillars is where I want them to be. I have ten minutes to the end of lunch break... mmmh where should i begin.

Motor cycle guy is just amazing. I even feel like deleting my previous blog because i read all his signs wrong. He is gentle and caring and sympathetic and motivated and into me and 'you have been the woman of my dreams since I met you three years a go' ish.
I think I am incapable of loving at this point. My heart and mind are pretty made up. They're just sitting there with their arms crossed across their chests waiting for me to freaking leave the guy already!!!. After I left baby, my ex whom I loved to the death of me, Im just thinking that i haven't had a stable relationship since then! And look, I just recently realized this. I have been knowing that everything is going great and i just hadn't met someone I want to settle down with yet. After Baby, there was Brit (former blogs). He was amaaaazing!!! the perfect escape from my toxic, chokingly consuming former relationship with baby. He was everything I wanted in a man. Frankly, everything that Baby wasn't and I wanted him to be. He took my breath away with how he spoke, how he touched me, how he &*$3^@ me, how he cooked... But then I couldn't stay.

And then there was this thing that until now i cant explain, with MG. The whole affair (lol) gave me writer's block for months and I couldn't write or blog.

Then there was *Alex. He was also a nice guy but too talkative and Sanguine for my liking. He was a great guy tho.

And now, Motor cycle. I was so into him at the beginning. I was even afraid I was falling in love. But now I am almost indifferent to him.And him, he's still treating me like a pearl he found in the ocean. So fuck me for being so ... choosy?stupid?unappreciative?stupid?stupid?stupid.

One thing we need to be clear on though is that I am NOT in love with Baby. I haven't been in over a year. I see him sometimes.We are casual friends and I just see him as my past. Despite all the pain he caused me, it was through him that I knew what I will never tolerate from a man. A standard that i carry like a badge of honor but now I'm starting to see as a limitation. *Sammie (samantha) says that my standards are too high. I refute that. I think they are just rare. I don't need a guy to be stinking rich or devilishly handsome or whatever romantic novel rhapsody you can thank of. But there is a certain few things that i think my man must have before i fully submit to him. And these are not things that i have consciously coined, but have over time developed in my psyche. Like a guy can have these Basic Qualities (like the basic needs in Maslow's hierarchy of needs), and I will fall for him foolishly. And he could be missing the other qualities that i look for in a man, and i am totally fine. Clear now? Like there are attributes which I like to call Basic Qualities that a guy has to have for me to fall for him. Some which I don't even know what to call in language...like swag, or these things that more visually than logically explainable. Anyway, mister motor cycle is lacking a few...
Im thinking that its cuz i hadn't gotten intimate with a man in sooooooo long that maybe i just needed a fix and so thats why my body was playing a trick on my heart making false beliefs that Motor guy is the shit. Making me believe the same. I'm disgusted by this trail of destruction I am leaving behind me...
I gatta run.
We shall continue this later... :) :) :) :)

CAVE AGE ERA MUCH?

2010-10-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

Helooo :) :)

Today i have been a very good girl. I got to work on time and i have reached and surpassed my sales target... the stars are surely aligned for me today :)

We didn't end up going for Churchill live on Tuesday, RudeBoyNotsoRide (a.k.a MotorBike guy ~ MB guy) and I cuz of the rain. I thought that that was such a stupid excuse! especially cuz I was already on my way from work to Carnivore when he cancelled. And even if he cancelled and there was a huge down pour, si he should have told me we meet up in CBD instead??? since we both work here...and the whole date was about hanging out with me. Wasn't it?
I was on full HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU defence mode. Dude. I have no more tolerance for crap ~ only and only if i feel and see that you could be the ONE... and even then my crap tolerance level is low. And you will be TOO INTO ME to pull such stunts.

He called back ten minutes later to uncancel the date saying that we can can just go by cab (instead of him going to pick the car from destination-very-far)... Logistics should have been planned effectively prior. He knows he is on thin ice anyway cuz he knows I have been warned against him. So yeah, game up.
I was like, "no no lets just hook up some other time cuz I have already turned around." he knew he had fucked up and that's why he called back.yup yup.

So anyway here's what i wanted to talk about.
On our first date he mentioned how his ex never used to offer to come over and cook for him or anything knowing well that he cant cook and lives alone. I thought 'aww how cute he wants someone to feed him. easy i can do that'... Yesterday he had a headache. He was like, come and massage me nini nini work is killing me... I was like awww get well soon. your probably dehydrated have a glass of water and moniter it, youll be fine.
Today he's like, hope you slept well, wish you could bring me breakfast or better yet, you.

?????

Is it just me or are u also reading into this like he wants a maid~girlfriend~bitch~bendover sorta relationship ?? This isnt the 60s... no mad~men scenario here... i wish you could bring me breakfast?

I dunno, this is weird. And yeah!!! i would love to do this kind of stuff for MY BOYFRIEND. WHO I HAVE FALLEN In LOVE WITH.OVER TIME
I dont think he should be suggesting such stuff after one date! i hardly know him. I don't even know his second name. ai?

I smell a rat.

i donno i dont think im wrong...

2010-10-05T02:22:00.000-07:00

its been forever...

Sigh, I cant even really remember where i left things.
Well, Ive got 40 minutes to write this before I'm forced to do get back to work.

The reason I hadn't really been blogging is because of the twisted awkward unusual place I was in my life; love life to be more certain.

Rem Married Guy? otherwise known as MG? ((shaking head in disgrace))...

Despite the fact that my contract with the company we were both working for ended, (meaning I would see less or even non of him) we still used to see each other quite a lot. Mostly on the weekends. Anyway, a lot has happened in between then and now, stuff that's not really worthy of my blog so i wont get into it. But in short, I haven't slept with him, i have kissed him many times, I do NOT have the strong feelings i had for him anymore (i really cannot get passed the wedding ring _no matter how hard i try), and so now I just you know... left the whole thing. well sorta.

Also somewhere in between, i met this guy, Mr. A. haha how weird was that month long relationship-thing. *rolling eyes* dating is really not fun.

I also graduated from UNI yaaaayyyy!!! I miss it so much tho. i just wanna party and not have to think about work the next day. blegh.

And now, there's a new guy. Mr Not-so-rude-rude-boy... Okay so here's the story with him. about three years ago, when I was still in uni (duh), i met him in Black rose's apartment. It was a hangover Friday , as was every Friday in my uni, and i was going to check up on my girls after the previous night's reckless drinking! I noticed him straight away when I stepped into the room.. you know one of those, butterflies at first sight. After he left later on i asked about him... and Black rose and Sassy were like, "Purple dew, you really do have bad boy syndrome. hes not a good guy. and he's also asked about you. what is it with u and falling for assholes"... or something close to that. you get the drift though. And then there was a bunch of other stuff they told me about his past that totally threw me off.

so i lengad the crush and moved on with my dysfunctional relationship with Baby. (reff to former blogs). Anyways, over the past year he has always been asking me out on a date and i have always been giving excuses or bluntly ignoring him when he chats me up on face book. i just didn't want his storo. but i was still atrtracted to him so sometimes i would go back to Black Rose and ask her "what is his issue again?".

Alright so yesterday. he chatts me up as usual and i ignore him as usual. but then this time he says "purple dew why do u always ignore me? M sorry to bother you tho" And im like "im writing an email, relax"... which i wasnt..
and we start to chat up. he asks me out on a date. tells me that I should get to know him, give him a chance, blah blah blah. he plead a good case however. so I chat up Black rose and im like, girl, what was the story with RudeBoyNotRude again?
ANd she says the same stuff.
okay, now this time i know i don't hav an excuse.I am not seeing anyone, I was free in the afternoon and bored as hell at work, so i said, OKay...

My resilience with bad boys has grown tremendously. My girls fail to believe so.

I meet him. Butterflies and everything. He is shorter and smaller that I remembered. Must be all these Idris Elba sex fantasies ive been having; raising my bar really high :)...

I went on this date with my guard as high as the wall of china. I was expecting to meet this arrogant selfish bastard, you know? and im telling you, he was so sweet and shy and awww i was just blown away. Right, but not everything was perfect... I expected to be taken to a nicer more expensive place..*cringe*... Dude im not going to end up in another BRIT-relationship (ref to former blogs)...
Anyway, he lives alone, works, has hopes and ambitions of making it someday. owns a sexy bike, kinda cute... and is going to pick me up today from work so that we can go and watch Churchill live. He got office tickets (he's not buying them :( ... )but at least im going for a live performance right.
All these women empowerment books are not helping a bratha.

so!!! i'm back and and i aint high in crack!! lol

I love you all.

Stay Tuned.
Purple.

Long Awaited

2010-09-21T02:17:00.000-07:00

SIX months since my last post...!!
OOOh how i missed my blog and all my followers.
Coming soon...
Mucho love..

12 THINGS

2010-03-02T02:32:00.000-08:00

Like I said, i turn 22 on friday...And I wanted to make a list of things that you, (friends/followers) dont know about me. I couldnt come up with 22, but I came up with 12!! more than half.

(1) I had a blankie until I was 14 years. I couldnt sleep without it; its what got me to sleep. I used to...smell it..sorta sniff it... ALL DAY! Unless i wasnt in the house. I had about six and they had to be washed with stay soft otherwise I couldnt 'smell' them. And as I did, i'd 'do' my mouth just like a baby looking for a mother's breast...haha, or you know how your mouth moves when you are on a pacifier? That was what I did with the blankie only it wasnt in my mouth, I just held it up to my face. And when I was packing for my first day of highschool (boarding school) my dad saw it in my trunk and refused me to carry it. So I left it behind. and then the habbit sorta just disappeared.

(2) The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is pee.

(3) I notice a man by his Skin tone (dark), height, shirt, cologne, smile, voice, watch... exactly in that order.

(4) I dont like writing with a black biro

(5) I can never go to bed without brushing my teeth. Even when im high

(6)I collect all my old scratch cards. Have quite a huge collection now

(7) If i could do anything i wanted in the world, and be sure not to fail, I would be an Actor, a Dancer, then a singer an artist (draw) and a photogropher. Clearly im in the wrong career. All these are the arts.

(8) I hate that when I'm anxious or nervous I get verbal diahorroea.

(9)My favourite weather is when it rains (or when the sun comes out just after) and all my sex fantasies in such weather.

(10)I went lesbo for some months when Baby and I were having madd issues and i was depressed. And relations with two females... *cringe* No?

(11) My plan had always been to wait for marriage to have sex.

(12) When i get really stressed in an exam (and this is true as hell) I get horny. Its like an anxious, stressed arousal... ??? not ati 'aaawwwww i am horny'..nah. And its frustrating and there was this one time in highschool during a chem paper, it happened and i said fuck it, so, i had a small orgasm. I had to save this for last!
If this happens to anyone else please let it be known!! i know im not alone.

(13)I JUST THOT OF THIS ONE!!!! I LOVE JAKE SULLY (AVATAR) HIS REAL NAME IS SAMUEL WORTHINGTON AND HES A 34 YR OLD AUSIE. I THINK THE AVATAR FILM IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER... The love story was not so original but it was still played out beautifuly! aND I LOVED IT...I wish it was me!
I never watch movies twice cuz i dont like the predictability. like NEVER. However, there are some movies i have watched over and over : ANNIE (when i was 6 or 7, i watched it evryday and knew all the songs by heart),CRUEL INTENTIONS (the original with Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon), FACE OFF, and now AVATAR... I wish I was in the Omaticaya tribe, and had a tail... Tsu'tey was a little sexier than Jake though giggle...

Mucho cyber love XXXXXXooooooo
PD

VANISHING POINT

2010-03-01T23:16:00.000-08:00

I AM A PIECES

I turn 22 on Friday! I get so excited whenever March comes around...!! every day of march is my birthday!is how i feel!!! I have big dreams for friday night maynnnnn!!

Here's some stuff that i chose to ommit from my other posts cuz I just wasnt sure where to start with this thing. Married guy (MG) made a some serious remarks to me yesterday that threw me off course a little.
Older men have this unbelievable confidence to say and do things when they want a woman ...
Like I said, during Black Rose's birthday heng, i bumped into him and his friend at the club. That was the first time he saw me with my friends, drunk, and just not office-like.
I know his story... that his wife trapped him into the whole marriage thing, and that he loves his kids but she is not his type. I roll my eyes evrytime he repeats that story to me in reffrence to me reminding him that he has a wife!

This is the reall situation with him though... At work, my team is a fun team. He's in the team... and the team and I have really fun times together; in and out of the office. So MG and I have had many bonding moments and gossip updates on whats cutting upstairs (another department)... but all this was before he started hitting on me. And get this, i didnt know he was married!! He's gained some weight in the past few years and so his ring had been at the jewelers for a month been resized. Long over due, but he said that he just never got the time to go pick it up.
During this Period, I had texted my ...closest girlfriend,Puppy,telling her that I had the hugest crush on this guy from the office (MG)
(((SHIT!)))
Then we had this huge office event, and at the party, I was talking to one of my team members, and she was telling me (more of whining) about her looking for the right man to marry...and then she started to mention all the men in our department who were married...and she mentioned MG! I had been working here for about 3-4 weeks by then. I was like, "WHHHHOOOO????" and she clarified, "MG...si he even has two small kids..." she brushed.

OOOkkkaaayy...!! I texted puppy and gave her the update. she replied "YOU BETTER LENGA THAT STORY ASAP!"
I was in complete agreement!! I concurred!
The good thing is at the time, he hadn't made a move on me. What he used to do was just the usuall: offer me a ride home, but drinks, laugh with me in the office etc. And on my part, i knew it was more than a kind gesture, but, i mean, how many guys do 'such'?? so I was just kind of indifferent about the whole affair (not in the Clinton-Lewinsky kind of way LOL)To me he was just ana guy trynig to hit on me.

So now yesterday, i was packing my stuff in the office getting ready to go home and he asked, out loud, "Purpledew, im heading home now, you want a lift??"
I took long to respond pretending i didnt hear but then, that made the silence in the air awkward as everyone (in the office) was subconciously waiting for my response, so i said in a 'oh sure!!' kind of tone "Yeah okay!"

In the car...
We are talkling about totally random stuff for a long time... traffic was crazy.. and then he asks why I dont seat next to him at lunch and basically why I have 'changed' the past few weeks. And I say, "because THEN, i dint know you were married, and now i know you are..."
(we were having a cigarette...)
"So that means you had something for me before I got my ring back...?" he shrugs
I freeze.
"I mean... i thought you were single... so... me... " god knows what i said next cuz i cant remember.

That is true... I did have a crush-thing on him. It could have showed. I even had even fantasized a little about the shag. Haha. Daym...

ANd he says "COOL!"

And then he adds "I need to get this car washed... Will you seat with me as I wait??"
"aaaii MG, seriously I have to go home.(he's pulled such a stunt before)" I try not to sound rude since he is still my supervisor at the end of the day...
"Look at this traffic PD... Just here K1, we wait, you can have a bite to eat... Fine! Call your girls if you think I have ulterior motives."

So I take out my phone boldy and start to speed dial Puppy's number as I think of who else I can call. She doesnt pick...
I call black rose, she sounds like shes already on her way home so i act like i called her about something else and change the topic. Then I get a text from puppy saying that shes in a meeting and she'll call me back. Sassy works too far... and so do the rest. Shit.
"anyway," I think "I'll just focus on random topics to talk about since we do get along.

FOWARD
Hes having a white cap and im on my second Fanta.
And he starts...
" You know, I was resigning in August, but since you came I decided to push till NOvember."(my internship lasts till April or Aug).
"MG... aki please si we lenga that story?" i try to smile, BUT HE HAD JUST THROWN OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE
"And when you went on study leave last week, I would come to work for three hours"
"Really...?" I retort sarcastically
"Im serious ask Figit"...

The conversation was one of those where i had to be nice nad nod you know... cuz hes my boss, but at the same time, I was trying to gain controll over the direction of the topic. i was very uncomfortable

Then he asks if i watched greys anatomy (i do duuuhhh)and if i remember that Mcdreamy was married to the gyna, but he wante marydith... Im nothing like marydith! Thats black rose... im like isabel and christina combined!

He mentioned somewhere in there that, where was I four years ago, which is when he got married... And that was what really like OVERWHELMED me and that was when I lied to him that Brit and I were officially a couple and that i was so in love that I want to go on the pill(brit and I have never been official but office people dont know a tad about my love life except MG since he met Brit last week at Black roses birthday heng...and I told him then, that Brit was a guy I was 'just' interested in...)

ha. oH shit...

This is soooo not how i want my post break up with brit to be... Wait, did I mention that I ended things with him last saturday? Well I did. It was the right thing to do. You all know why (ref to all former blogs) . He was a keeper... it hurt letting him knowing that.

Anyways, Universe, Im posting this out to you.
DURING THIS TIME OF SINGLEHOOD, I WANT PEACE, AND JOY, AND GREAT MOVIES AND MUSIC TO WATCH, AND LOSTA FUN AND LOVE with and from MY GIRLS, HAPPY TIMES, COLD RAINY CUDDLY INDOOR AFERNOONS WITH ELLEN DEGENRES AND AVATAR AND GREYS AND MY PERSON (WHICH IM YET TO FIND...NOT A BOYFRIEND, A BFF),AND NO FEELING EVER, OF BEING LONELY OR NEEDY. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE AND BE IN LOVE WITH THAT. AND THEN WHEN I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE, ITS GOT TO BE HIM... MY THE-ONE. NOT ANOTHER TIME WASTING RELATIONSHIP. COMPRENDE?

EL FIN.

MUCH CYBER LOVE. XoXo

One MORE thing about the guy with the golden badge

2010-02-25T07:42:00.000-08:00

I hope this blog will come out as clear and as vivid as it is in my mind because I am distratcted by the television and the Kikuyu radio station blasting in the kitchen. (The house help is all up in her element man, I cant tell her to switch it off).

I forgot to mention on my last that on the Thursday of Valentine's week, I came home to find my cousins from the UK and my new neice who I met for the first time since she was born in London. It was really emotional since my cousins and I hadnt seen each other for over 6 years. They looked to grown up!! and pretty... and they had a dash of an accent I could tell. LOL. To everythinh I said, Yama would say "yee"... as in, "yaa" is the way we say it here. Or when I showed her a top i had bought a week before she said "wicked". It was so much fun,lol.
so while we were still gushing over how are you's and look how much you've become pretty's, my little neice kept on shouting at her mom (my cousin), "MOMI, teddiii, Teddiii" while pointing at my bedroom. Yama shut her off everytime..so anyway i didnt pay much attiention to that.

Yama was walking infront of me as we walked towards my bedroom in search of a more confined spot spot catch up. At the rim of my bedroom window was a huge bouquet of white flowers... The first thing that cane to my mind was that Yama had brought us (my fam and me) flowers just as a sign of compassion, and that they were inmy room cuz the living room was filled with guests. But by the way she leaned back and blushed at me looking at the flowers, I knew that that wasnt it.
and then it hit me... rather lethargically, that they must have been from Brit. Burried in the fat crown of petals was a card reading,

'Happy Valentines. You tha Best'

'How adorable' I thought... 'If only i loved him'
And there was also a Teddy bear, and White Tolberone chocolates...
He remembered my obbsession with white roses and white chocolate.
My mum peeped into the room whispering "Youve seen your tu things?".. she was smiling from ear to ear. lol.

Then on valentines day he brought over three little boxes wrapped in my favourite colours, BLUE and PURPLE... and inside them were chocolates and a thong in each.

soooooo anyyyywwwaaayyyyyyyy...

I have tonnes to write about married guy but then Ellen Degeneres has started and we dont have the PVR decoder... Much much love.REALLY.

LIFE UPDATE

2010-02-22T22:27:00.000-08:00

I HAD A BLASSSSST THIS WEEKEND.
SINCERLY.

DARK N TWISTY;AWESOME PARTY.
REALLY.

I THINK I AM SO OVERWORKED THAT I HAD FORGOTEN HOW TO GET DRUNK AND TALK JIBBERISH WITH MY OH-SO-COOL-SUPER-GIRL-CREW. (just realised im writing in CAPS)

rewind

Valentines week

I wasnt so excited. I usually am.Cuz im in my niche on Valentine's day. Despite the fact that I had a guy who is crazy about me by my side,I just wasnt into it. 'im just nOt that into him' (read the book? or seen the film?)
I dont give a hoot now for being judged.
"Oh Purple dew good men dont come that easy... Anyway, you should know." my frenemy sent that text. Stupid. So she met this good guy and all she does EVERYTIME is tell me how lucky she is. Shit! shut the fuck up!!! ( she's baby's ex... YES MY BABY.)

I know that Brit is the BEST GUY IN THE WORLD!!!! I KNOOOOOOOW. Every time i hear someone telling me that, I see this animation in my head of him standing on top of the world (in space) with a huge grin on his face and a gleaming BRIGHT GOLD MEDAL on his right shoulder reading, "THE BEST GUY IN THE WORLD!"
Mayn, I get it.
I know this though, that I am not screwing up if I leave him. His not Mine. There is some girl out there who deserves him. And Im just wasting his time.
He wouldnt hear of this though. I told him. By the pool on Sunday night at my place.
Sigh... I keep seeing my knight in shining armour in my head. ITS NOT HIM.

In the process now of finally ending this.
I love you Brit.
If it wasnt for you, I would have never believed that there are STILL good men out there. (i thought they were extinct)... ( he doesnt read this. Im just relaying this to the Universe).

SO SATURDAY NIGHT!!! FU*N
We leave black rose's house AND head to Westy. Brit had been calling all day by then since he was already there (at Bacchus)... But we went to Qs. And I wanted to go to Qs. Not bacchus and play wife.
I see DAINTY DIVA (DD) at the other end of the bar.. You mean she's back from SA!! excitement! I buy her a shot of tequilla. we do it..FIre! Her side kick shows up. She used to be like my BFF in highschool but nowadais she has a weng, and a lame attitude. This isnt hollywood hunny. She hasnt even flown out to ANYWHERE so me that weng... pleeeez.

Puppy cmes up to me and says that RUFF GURL is looking for me and that shes upstairs. another one of my highschool mates. so we go up. IM tipsy by now. As we peep onto the roof top, the first person I see belive it or not is MARRIED GUY! ahahaha! This guy i could swear was stalking me! Qz isnt even his crowd. Shouldnt he be babysitting??

Hes been hitting on me for like 4 weeks now. Its kind of weird. eugh. But i just lenga. Good thing is that he throws drinks like madddd!( my bday is next weekend i have to call him)... So i say hi. as usuall he gives me that drooling look. Smirk. I roll my eyes when he's not looking. Intro him to Puppy, hoping that he falls in love with her and leaves me alone. he offers me a cigi.

PARRRTTYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Brit shows up.

I spent the whole night moving from Married guys table (where we were all sitting) to Brits table (he was sitting at the counter).

I got drunkkkk!!
Blast married guy and tell him to stop hitting on me. Hes all gentlemanish so he's calm and all. Kind of handsome...yeah yeah.. then he goes to brit and strats haviing a laugh with him. AWKWARD...

I glance over to my left and see puppy dancing with the lesbians from Uni and I almost colappse in shock. I had a fling of some sort with one of them and Puppy was all up in my space religiously condeming me...I didnt care cuz she (les gal) made my horny as hell at the time.

Eh, i have really typed without mpango. (sorry readers)
I am so bored at work now. have to keep minimizing this page when the bosses (which is everyone since im an intern) pass by.

I got to work today and discoverd that married guy is my SUPERVISOR!!!!!! CRINGE!!!!!
HAHAHA. HE HASNT SHOWN UP YET (PHEW). bUT I JUST GOT MY PAPERS WHICH HE IS MENT TO SIGN AS MY SUPERVISOR! SHAIT.
I love you ALLL!!!
TATA.

OH SHIT HE JUST PASSED BEHIND ME MY STOMACH TURNED TO JELLOO FUUUUUCKKKK! YALL DONT EVEN KNOW!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AAHAHHA

rainbow colors

2010-02-18T03:58:00.000-08:00

another post for today!! I am having a great day at work. My supervisor has surprisngle loosened her leash on me. And three good things have happened to me today: I got a free sausage, won a bet for sh500 and got a chocolate from the guy of procurement upstairs.

My main agenda for this note was to post the beautiful LGBT flag in support of this community. I stumbled upon it while on cuppatea's blog and i was in awe when i discovered that they hae a flag!! how awesome!!
THey are a beautiful colourfull HAPPY and HOPEFULL lot and they are here to stay.
THere's no point in wars. Instead of having a human rights battle, lets do a human rights peace walk.
AND BESIDES, WILL AND GRACE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT WILL... AND THE OTHER QUEEN I FORGET HIS NAME.

OBSESSED IS ME (SEEN THE MOVIE?)

2010-02-18T01:44:00.001-08:00

He's got evrything I want his yummy (human) being him!
I had a dream the other day about him teaching me how to drive ( i drive but havent ever since I got bashed 2 years ago), and on this day, as he was seated on the passenger's siT instructing me, his palm reassuringly on my thigh, he told me to drive to a certain location. And there was a house; meduim sized,not large, but cozy. and he took me inside, and told me it was our place.

"but i live with my parents now (they were in Nainja for 3 years) they cant let me move in with you" I cried.
"eis okay lov (british accent. You do know that he grew up in East London)... but you can come here any time you want. Spend the night.. we can cook there ( he pointed at the beautifuly laid out kitchen), Its got four bedrooms, and im getting a master bed for us."

I think i must have cum in my sleep hahaha. Or maybe shed a joyfull tear.

Where are you MAN OF MY DREAMS!!!!!!!

PS: SORT OF ENDED THINGS WITH BRIT. WILL KEEP YALL POSTED
i LOVE YOU ALL!!! MUCHO LOVE

BTW CUPPA, THE LGBT (lesbain gay bi tranni) FLAG IS SO BEAUTIFUL.I PRINTED IT FROM YOUR POST AND PLACED IT IN MY WALLET. I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS EVEN A FLAG! SINCE THE SEVENTIES. TOO AWESOME

I am the Michael Angelo of my life

2010-02-10T00:15:00.000-08:00

Okay this is for all the brit supporters out there.
TRYING IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
I just recently revealed to myself that i dont LOVE him.I like him ALOOT but i dont love him. Problem is we're already on the i love you phase. I wasnt comfy with saying it from the begining i remember but iwas soo excited about him that i just used to say it loosely.
I regret that.
Cuz now, i think he means it and i have to say it back when i know from the bottom of my heart i dont mean it. shit! Atleast because i like him alot and hes such a great guy, its not hard to sound like i mean it. I dont want to hurt his feelings so how now after three months can i start back pedalling by asking him that we stop saying 'i love you'. Let me tell you, ths is also the shit end of the stick.

And i think hes going to bring me valentine's day gifts in the office. yeah! STAB ME IN MY EYE. Let me tell you though, i love love love just how great of a guy he is but that will never equate him to being my the one. I am the full blown romantic believe me. ask anyone! But if your mind is visualising somebody else, and your heart is rooting for it, youre going to end up just like me in this mix.

I visualise alot. I like to paint pictures of my future. Like my wedding, my husband, my house, my next meal, those Jimmy Choos that will fall from the sky like manna... and when i do this visualation thing, the love of my life is a huge built tall MAN (like O'neal !!!! well not that big but thereabouts ...but if he comes looking like shaquel i wont mind), DARK skinned, so so very handsome, great teeth, CONFIDENT AND STRAIGHT FOWARD,looks good in a shirt and smells good, good heart, sharp intellect, large DI*$!, good education, funny (the usuall here)... Anyway, let me not sound too demanding but Brit falls short only on the personality profile( and a bit on the physical but thats not a probsince hes still really hot) For the most part, he is the best guy with the biggest heart but i feel as though I have a bigger pesonality presence than him. He's quiet, which is good, and i want my FOREVER to be just as calm and quiet cuz im talkative nini nini, but i wonder whether he would stand up for me in an argument you know? And I like a guy who has a presence.NOT EGO,OR ARROGANT AURA... i just hope yall get me. The best example i can give you is IDRIS ELBA. He was in Obsessed (with Beyonce), American Gangsta (as the guy Denzel shot point blank on the street) and Daddy's little girls. Thats my forever! praise the lord.

Im trying to focus on all of Brit's good, and not the bad that i dont want. So far so good but i know tht after some time i will want more and i might just bail.
Mucho Cyber Love!!!!

STUPID GIRL

2010-02-01T02:52:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I went for the march on uhuru highway that commemorated the life and death of Martin Njuma may he rest in peace.

By then, my feelings for Brit had gone on a plunging decline. I invited him to come for the walk with me...

Before he told me about how they (his family and he)were at a rocky financial place, i was fine with stuff such as handling the bill, using pubic transport together etc. After he told me this truth however, shit in my mind has just changed.

We were in the jav going to the venue on barichO road where the walk/march was going to begin and all i could think was, "When we get married we'll still be javing?"
And then he was wearing thos african beaded chains. I liked it...yeah, if I was 17. "Where is his golden man chain? ...?" i thought. I was goimg to introduce him to alot of high end people that day...
Yeah youre probably thinking im a total bitch, but you knw what, JUDGE ME. Had it been me reading this i would think the same.

So we got there. Met Bootyfull and her-triplet (i forget the name i gave her on my blog)
We all walked together. THere were some random side dramas happening at the event but they arent really relevant...
Her-triplet whispered in my ear, "i read your blog..."
I was glad she did so now i didint have to start explaining whats going on between me and brit. She told me she'd beat me if i left him over something like money.
I couldnt agree more.
Bootyfull on the other hand said that i cant force myself to be where i cant and if i want to leave, i should...
I tried to shove that advice aside.

The walk was refeshing. I wished i walked like that evryday. I need to change my lifestyle!

After that, we went up to the old K1 now called THE CLICK, and had a few drinks.
I was like, "arrrgh, i dont want to spend my money." a.k.a i dont want to handle the bill. What i had in my wallet was for the dentist appointment i was to have today (it was a horror by the way).
The thought of me doing that made me want to just leave.

But shock!!! He was handling the bill.

BUT...

It felt like my heart was already out the door :-(
I wasnt feelong him.
"shit purpledew, you'll never get a guylike this one!" I scolded myself.

But even as he reached in for a kiss, i hoped that it would be a quick kiss.

So I told him. That I wanted to leave him.
The excuse i used was so far fetched but he bought it.
I watched his heart break infront of me. He is so handsome :-(.
(note; i dint leave him, i just suggested it)...that sounds so stupid.

On the way home, we were quiet.
He walked me home, holding my hand while looking down. I still didn't
want to change my mind.

WE got to this tree that he likes to call my spot and looked me dead in the eye and said,
"If you leave me you'll shred life apart."
"Babe... I dont know..."i mumbled
He was choking his words by now.
"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me purpledew i told you that and i love you so much. I wioll maik you appy (his british accent had started to escalate)"

I felt TERRIBLE!!! AND I JUST WANTED TO CRY
I started to imagine myself in a reality show where brit and I were the stars and now everyone who was watching was jus thinkig how terrible I am. And then I saw myself on the show of "The Bachelor, The Men say it all" and the people in the audience were hurling insults at me. and then, i felt bad.. and i wept a little. and he, unsurprisingly hugged me.

We were now not almost separated.

This morniing he asked me if i would change my facebook relationship status when i became his GIRLFRIEND. I frowned at that last word.

STUCK.

STORMY PROPHESY

2010-01-26T05:18:00.001-08:00

This year started really well for me... I went to coast with Brit and the rest of the crew (reffer to previous blog) and i got an internship in a huge MultiNational which so far I am enjoying to the nail.

However
:-)
...
BRIT...
Over the past few weeks I came to a startling revelation...sad and maybe too blunt, but true. This one rare prince charming of my life is... kind of low on the monetary department of our union. Okay... he's kind of broke (CRINGE!!!) I have been thinking all week of how to write that without sounding deragatory or mean or stingy.

Brit is so humble and funny and cares about the tiniest details of me which i had been itching all my life to find a man that does.

He opened up to me some time back about how things got this way for them. This hadnt always been his life. And it was clear from the fact that he attended one of the most highest fee priced highschools in the country. His personal tendancies are also a reflection of how 'things' used be in the past. A reflection which i thought was a reality and not the former. So anyways, he also reveled to me that things were not going to be that way for long and that he has big plans for me he says... but that could just be Wishful Thinking.
Look, Im NOT a gold digger. In fact, none of the guys I have dated have ever been eti ballers or even rich (considering BABY-the current Ex a.k.a love of my life). But after that toxic relationship, I was dtermined to have a brighter future. And I dont mean gifts FOR ME or anything to do with personal benefits; I wanted to do stuff that was fun and exciting and adventurous. Stuff that can only get anywhere in this day and age with PAPER;MULLAH;CHEDDAR...MANEH

Brit still hasnt lost his inner peace or loving nature OR funny stories or his way of loving a woman despite the fact that certain events led the abrupt change of his lifestyle. No matter how much shit comes his way, he's still the same; happy. And just watching that makes me fill up with so much love for him.

On the other hand though, its a complete turn off.
Yes, it is.
If i visualise myself reaching to pay for a bill one more time, im gonna have a panic attack.
and he gets so worked up when we are in such situations.
Me, I'm ironically calm then.
"Babe, its okay!... come on we're in this pamoja*" is what i say.
But in reality, its killing me too that sometimes I've had to 'handle' the bill.
Shit. It's so mentally disturbing.
Its how I am. I will offer to pay occassionally but only as a sign of 'I got you/thanks for handling it all the other times, allow me...ETCs'
A small part of me is still traditional,(yay! hence the name of my blog)but its a small part with a huge stakehold power over how my mind and emotions function together.

I dont know what to do...
I mean i cant leave him based on something so baseless (sorta)...

Then theres Married guy from work slowly but surely making the move on me. Its interesting waiting for his next move but im not intrested. nad theres single manager guy who last weekend was abit furnny with me in the club last weekend. THats just a by the way..

Should I just hang around and deprive myself of stuff i want to do cuz i cant afford it for the both of us two times in a row or whatever...??
And I even think I love him.(so twisted)
...

I dont think I can hang on too long so i just need something to make me stay

FORBIDDEN FRUIT

2010-01-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of a really heated debate about land rovers and Range rovers.. Of course i don't have a stake in such conversations because i know very little about cars. All i know is that in this debate, im on the Range bleachers...
So anyway, Mombasa is so beautiful this time of year (im at the coast)... We decided to come after the festivities to avoid the chaos. I thought it was a lame idea...but i now know that i wouldnt have enjoyed myself had i come then. My cousin who lives here tells me that they were in traffic from 2 am till 5.30 am on new years eve. 2 am to 5 am!!!! and that the human traffic was so much that she said this year she wont stay i the Mombasa for the holidays... Also had a wax today. Brazilian. shiyet it hurts.

When I said that WE decided to come over after the festivities, I meant Brit, myself and a couple of other people.

Here's what's going on,

We are staying at out friends house. and he is reeeaaallly RICH. seven bedrommed house, biggest residential swimming pool in Mombasa, pool house and pool bar... His friends haha, a bunch of rich kids who talk about big cars, women and extravagant living every second of the day, spend their fathers' money and do not hide this fact, and walk around in their im so rich frames raining money, bursting out in huge bursts of deep ego filled laughters every time someone says something which according to them is incredibly funny. I know i sound so satirical but i am having the time of my life with these guys.
So here's the catch
THese guys are huge (literally) ego filled, laugh out loud, buy any drink on me kind of guys.

Brit on the other hand is quiet reserved and doesn't retaliate when the bots start to bully him( and I do). The boys bully each other in turns all the time. And I personally am attracted to a man who has a bit of fight in him. And this turns me off so much that today when we were making love, i had to visualise that i was with Idris Elba just so that i could get into it...

Because I really like this guy, i wont persist on the negative for much longer. But one of the big boys here i can see is really into me and i didnt give a fuck till today... because i found myself trying to impress him.

Brit is the best most sweetest guy I have ever known, and this big boy is the kind of guys i am attracted to that just fuck me over. So i know im lucky to be with brit; I just, I dont know...

HELP.

HONEYMOON

2009-12-21T07:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm totally not inspired to write. But its been a while since i wrote last about the great endeavours of my fascinating life. That, and I'm bored stiff, stuffed with chicken and irritated by DSTV's repetitive adverstisements. They make my brain feel like goo. You know I can get the point of what your trying to say if you replay the same clip three times. After that, its just nagging.

Anyway...

On the 10th of december at exactly 9 pm i handed in my last exam of 2009... BLISS. I was so ready to have fun and party!!!!!

REWIND<<<

I havent told you about the progress Brit have made have made. :-) :-)
Allow me to do it in a recap fashion... He is the best, most sensual, sentimental, ragingly fierce lay that I have ever had. And i dont mean firece in a Tyra Banks kind of way. ( I am half heartedly her fan).
He is OFFICIALLY the best I have ever had. Puts me first,serves my drink, gives me the bigger pillow, nini nini. Baby would never do that. I was so used to not being treated like i mattered that i honestly thought I was happy and that nothong was wrong.

--BACK TO THE PRESENT

And after my last paper, I was ovationed out of the exam room with one beautifull text (from BRIT) and a shot of tequilla at the local pub (FROM SASSY). Bliss.
He looked so dash. I saw him smile from across the room while Sassy ushered me towards him; how cute.

We spent the next SEVEN days together at my place. It was so...great! We woke up when WE wanted, made the bed when I wanted, cooked when HE wanted, made love however whatever wherever. One day, he left top go pick up and important letter that came for him from Britain and when he got back, he had a huge ass bottle of wine and a bottle of Top Secret whisky; blended with brandy (hope I got that right)...And to top it all of, chocolates. oh and a whole chicken for dinner the next day ( as I was already cooking when he walked in) minced beef and bacon.

Is this real???
Maybe THE LAW OF ATTRACTION does really exist. You know, the famous book and film; the Secret...

He caught a flu the next night and i spent the it warming tea, squeezing flu remedies out of my brain and muttering 'Bless yous'. (I have the flu now).

The next night, I felt that the room was too hot so he opened all the windows and half an hour later there were at least twenty something mosquitoes resting and buzzing around the mosquito net. (he counted). See i thought they were like four or five mosquitoes but when I went and turned on the lights there four or five mosquitoes flying but about twenty ON THE NET!! it was horrifying and disguisting to see that. So I grabbed a can of RAID and SPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYED! i hate hate hate bugs. Once Brit had one whiff of the insecticide his flu symptoms got abit worse so, to get some fesh air, we decided to grab some duvets and go stand at the balcony for a few minutes.

Which later turned out to be an hour.

It was a beautiful night and having Brit with me made it magical. And then, he brought it up. Relationship. Oh shit.

By then we had already started playing with the idea of being in love..Sometimes carelessly yelling it out loud; like when i tasted the stew he had made one noit...or when he was about to hit orgasm he blurted it out,(oooh the sweat bwteen us!) or when we spoke about how our parents would react when we brought home significant others from oppossing Kenyan tribes...

"Please dont ask me tonight babe..." I muttered.
"So what do you call us? we are sleeping together, we're exclusive, we really like each other. And now we are starting to feel bigger feelings.. " He started to ask.

I explained to him (again) how when we tag what we have as a relationship that all the shit will start to happen. Like tension when i ask where he is, or awkwardness when we are seen together (right now)... I mean, without that label, 'relationship' I can call him and ask where he is without that notion that im being insecure or when he is out and im not he doesnt have to feel stressed that i might be trippin. Just shit like that.

Its been a month with Brit now but basically im just not ready.

The best thing is that he gets this. but if he does why did he bring it up again? AND PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AM THE RELATIONSHIP TYPE. BUT A THREE YEAR DEVASTATING TOXIC RELATIONHIP WITH BABY JUST SHOOK MY WHOLE ROMANCE SYSTEM. I reeeallly LIKE Brit. sometimes i even think i love him (yaaaaa).
And the way we are together is so amazing and fresh and unbelievable to me. I am crazy about him. But im scared that a relationship so soon could ruin things.
I fIgured he wanted to be assured that I am his and that I am not going anywhere. And thats what i told him. We are playing house; as relationship people do but, i just want to be called 'together'.

I cant stop thinking about him. And he cant stop telling me how much he misses me... Its such a honeymoon phase i tell you but i love it.
I could be falling in love.
My mom will die once she finds out what tribe he is.. :-)

And today do you know what he texted me... "you complete me..."
hahaha. Giggling.

I recognise the butterflies

2009-11-15T23:52:00.000-08:00

I couldnt do a second date with BFP... Cuppa, i tried to overlook all that stuff but i couldnt. So i have remained friends with him but broken off the whole deal.

Last Thursday I left the house ( for the pub) pretty late. By the time i got there some of my friends were 'happy!' lol.

Class time approached. I hate this class cuz it fucks up all my thirsty thursdays. I've missed so many of them so this thursday i had to attend it.
Class didnt suck so much so once i got out i was all pumped to do assignments and study etc. my plan was to go straight home. But, since my oh-so-cool-super-girl-crew was still at the pub i decided to go for a lap of honour.

I walked in. As i did, i glanceed to my right and saw ...(allow me to change his name because I didnt relaise he'd be a part of this blog before)Brit, and etc.
So heres the the thing with Brit.
I had the hugest crush on him since like four weeks ago. He was my first crush/like after Baby. I realised only later that he didnt go here (my uni) and only comes over to have a drink with his boys who do go here.

First time we met i was DRUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNK!!!!!! The alcohol gave me the courage to talk to him. Asked him to take a pic wiv me haha. He agreed. And then we started to talk. And i thought....nah... I didnt feel like we clicked. So i was like blegh. what a waste becasue HE IS SO HOTTT.
Second time we met, it hit me how drunk I was on the first time we met and was totally embarrased. Despite the fact that I was no longer into him, I still didn't want to look bad. Plus i couldnt remember A WORD we talked about on that first rendezvous; what if i talked shit. Maybe thats why he didnt turn up the next week, i thought. So a part of me wanted to redeem my alcohol influnced behaviour. We bumped into each other when he was with his boys and i was with male-super sanguine (who are also his friend) outside the pub. After he said hallo,(he hugged me tight) i looked at him for any reaction...nothing. It looked as if he was either shy or just trying to hint that he didnt want my stories that day.I decided that it had to be the latter. He wasn't even looking at me. Shit, so i must have blundered. oh shit. the whole night we sat on opposite ends of the bar with no exchange.

I let it go and thought, oh fuck it. Third time we met. Same place... This day after my class-the one that got me syked to do my assignments...and im walking into the pub. I was walking past his friends (hadnt seen him yet) beacuse i had said hi to them before. But then i saw him. And he didnt look away. Infact he was loooking-loooking. so i decided to say hi. I did. He hugged me tight again... you know, more than usuall. so I waited for him to get awkward. He didnt. He was asking me whre I'de been, if i'm here for a drink. and then he just went quiet after BigMan started talking to me. Okay so he's not really outgoing?
Anyway, i went to sit with my girls. They were SUPER HAPPY now!! Especially Sassy. Lover her when she's high. I take a seat.

Brit comes. Sits to my left me on the adjacent table where his/my boys sat. A half hour goes by and he doesnt walk up to me. OOOOkkkkay, i dont get him at this point cuz i keep catching him looking at me and laughing at my jokes. I remember i have mad asignments and decide to tell evryone bye. give urrbody a kiss on the cheek and when i got to him, i wave goodbye. As i start to turn he holds my arm and pulls me to him wooooo. Asks me why im going and if im going out. I say i have lots a work.

"you have a good time when you go out..." is what i heard him say. His Brit accent can be heard in the shadow of his Kenyan accent. So im never sure what he says. And I say
" Yeah i usually have a good time"
"Nah I mean tonoit. if you com out wiv os, you will av a goot one..."is how he spoke

so sexy.

we spoke for another hour or so. He is so cute up close. Was i that drunk that day? He gave me butterflies and everything. For some strange reason, as we spoke, that song for Black eyed peas;meet me half way kept playing in my head. i dont know why. he makes me feel of that song hihi.
HOmetime. I tell him ive got to go. Coincedentally, so does he. we walk out. Meet a couple of friends on the way out say hi etc etc. he ofers to walk me to where im meeting a couple of my friends who im going home with.

Hearts racing.
Hugging goodbye.
He leans in for a Kisssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kiss back.
He kisses me again...!!!
i kiss back
I dont remember what he says after.Maybe i dint hear... but I say, "Ask for my number next time we meet."
He says okay

He goes.
I LOL with my pal.
I walk off like ten yards. Turn back and his standing where we kissed with his/boys. I wave. he waves back.

Saturday..
We bump into each other at a club on the rave. he looks so dashing. Black rose tells me she noticed some hot guy in the club and realised it was him. Ma butterflies nini nini. he buys me a drink. we chat, dance... kiss kisss kissss... Bigman calls him. Thyre leaving. Aks for my number. i give it to him. He is soooo hot!

Sends a text at like 5am saying it was nice seeing me. i was so sleepy and tipsy i couldnt reply.

Next day, Sunday he sends a text
"Hey gorgeous... Av a good time Yesternyt? I did"
What the hell is YESTERNYT!!!! LOL. Hes such a brit. anyway, he asks me to go online. He is with Male-Super Sanguine. We chat for ages...

Lets see how this one will play out.

*baby called me yesterday. Told me that he was told i was on the rave. Sent a text after saying that he is still in love with me. Okay.
CIAO .
Mwah Mwah Mwah

SCREEETCH!

2009-11-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

haha.
Sigh... I've been looking foward to posting this.
I think it was two weeks ago... My first thursday rave. Mini dress, heels, sexy hair warrra warrra. Got free drinks all night. So i discovered more skin was the solution to a broke night out. Ha... men.
I went out with Super Sanguine and Bootyfull. It was great! It all began at our local pub here where, what shall I call him Nostalgia, thew for me afew drinks. Got tipsay...yay, but then I was noticing that he was paying a little more attention to me than he usually does ( I dated him eons ago-never really been any chemistry ever since)... Then when I'm leaving the pub with Super sanguine and bootyfull to go change for the *rumba that night, he's all up in my biz asking where i'm going and why because he'd already ordered a drink for me. Anyway, i still left.
The *rumba... Drink drink drink...dance dance dance. Nostalgia had halad asking where I was (???????) so i told him. He comes. OOOOkay so at the end of the night he comes to my place (haha..woooo) let me tell you how it went down. at the club i kept on telling him "Get into your cab and go to (his place of residence)!" He was like no no no, *eti I cant leave him hanging like that and so on. Evetually he gets into a cab to go to HIS HOME... but just as he did that, PSYCHO ANNA NICOLE SMITH (P.A.N.S) Starts *letaing for me DRRRRRRAAAAAAMMMMMMA just there outside the club. these drunken vibes! ahhh!!! and she was with LezGurl which was just so weird and awkward for me since Lez was still calling me-hung up on me warrra warrra... So Nostalgia jumps out of his cab trying to be super man and before i know it he's getting into a cab with me in a 'rescue mission' style straight to my place. THAT IS HOW THE *CHIBO CAME TO BE.

I expected more from the shag-due to certain elements being at that current time... a miss.

So forget Nostalgia.

REmember Blast from the past? BFP? the guy who's been halaing at me... guy i knew from Primary school and hadn't seen in 8years...
So yesterday, i invited him over for lunch to my place. I cooked-mashed potatoes, stir fry and tomato gravy... :-) :-)
I met him outside my place. My heart was beating so fast i wanted to throw up. The last time I was on a date-date was with Baby and that was three years ago... He IS HOT!!! YUMM YUMM.
When we got to my house I went to the kitchen to pour him a drink and i remember just throwing my hands up in victory of this catch. I was like "Thankyou Jesus!"

BUT THEN

One hour into the date, i was sooooooooo DIASAPPOINTED.
He was a nervous wreck. Couldnt look me in the eye, kept on trying to fill in all the quiet spaces of silence... he just wasnt as laid back and calm as I wanted /expected him to be. I'de picked this up from him when i'd talk to him over the phone but when I told Sassy about it, she told me to go on a first date before I'd swear him off cuz maybe he'de b better in person.

BFP is the perfect MAN. PERFECT. which is why i so mad. He's kind, sweet, big heart, bigger cock (i saw it through his aeronautical engineering official pants when he sat back)... He's foused in school, he;s looking for a long term relationship, he came to the kitchen twice and kissed me on my cheek twice while i was finishing up the cooking, he said i was beautiful atleast three times... but... he's what Sassy labeled as a 'Virgin plus one'.
Because of his not having played the field enough, the date at some point felt like a 16year old first awkward date. and that just killed all the chemistry that had been brewing between us.

He's perfect but lacks a little element,my chemical X that drives my nutz with all men aka, SWAG.

SOme girls dont need this ( in a relationship) but i honestly cannot be attrated to someone if they dont have it. I honestly from the bottom of my heart cannot. Otherwise we will be (just) friends.

After the date i went straight to talk to Bootyfull about it. oooh she laughed at me. I smoked two cigarettes in a row. Mayn DATING SUX.

He asked me how i felt about the date. I took an hour to decide that i would be honest wit him. I told him that i didnt feel the spark that i wanted to feel when i met him... He must have known where he was screwing up cuz he started apologizing for his random blubbering and all and asked if i would give him another date. I said, anything for you,yes. I didnt mean it.

There are just some things that are part of ones personality that one cannot get rid of, neither obtain a new.

Should I sit through the second date or cancel before things get more complicated?
please just hepl me!! :-/

Mayn, i really hoped that me and him would work..
Sulk.

Emotion

2009-10-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

....
Today makes it a month since Baby and I broke up. And I am on my period. The one of many many many months that i was sure I was going to get my period, u know...cuz im not getting any now

It's Sunday so let me begin from Thursday.

I got reeeally drunk. Had a good time at the pub. Met this guy had been eyeying for about two weeks... No chemistry. He was telling me about the British Army. And then he asked why I didnt sit for long (to talk to him) ...I was all over the place me and my drunkedness. And what was his name? I think Richard or Remmy or Ricky.., I told him my name was Tipsy.

So after being abandoned to ride on a piki piki in my drunken state, mscheeeeew, I fika my place... Bump into crazy M as i was trying to climb the stairs. We laugh at how drnk I am hahaha, she takes me home... i fall!! like lterally fall as i am entering the house... ouch my thigh. we laaaugh. she chills bit.. then she goes. and then silence.
I am so drunk and so lonely. I start to wish that i could google single man for hire... FOR A RELAIONSHIP SILLY!
I dose off on the sofa

BEYONCE'S SWEET DREAMS IS LOUD IN MY BRAIN!
oh crap my phone! i cant even see my bag! where the fuck is my phone ringing from!!!!!!! I stand in the middle of my living room and listen. the phone is ringing from outside. ???? okay. so i open the door. my bag is outside.

I get the phone, but then it falls... anyway when i finally grasp it i dont even check the caller ID...

"Sorry!!! sorry the phone fell...!!!" I blurt
"oh its okay!" he responds
oh fuck.
I CHECK THE CALLER ID! "ex.factor" aka BABY.
"Hi!!" i shout into the speaker i dont know why
HIM: "Sema. I was just checking up on you..."
ME: "Im good(or something i think i said)"
HIM: Are you drunk?
ME: "hahaha abit"
HIM: "you cant even hala to tell me success on my exams?"

So we talk... and taaaalk. By this time ive switched to ORANGE (cheapest calling network in Kenya- YEEEEESSSS) and we talk for over an hour.
I know I am ment to be moving on and whatever but he came through you know. I really needed someone around and he called so, shoot me. I dont regret.
I find myself agreeing to him coming the next day...

"But Baby you said that you have a paper tomorrw at 1pm..." I ask/state
"I can come early..."
"how early?"
"How eary do you want me to come?"
....

7.45am- Friday
The three-knock. (ref to former blogs)
Im GROGGGGGGYYYY.

When i open the door after ten years his shoes are aleady off and hes back if facing me as he is leaning off the balcony. MY HEART POUNDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

ANYWAY.

He comes straight to bed, and no we werent going to have sex but he said he 'just wanted to come and hold me' and i wanted to be held :-). And then, thats WHEN the holding turned to kissing and the kissing to emotion and the emotion to nudity and the nudity to sweet penetration and mygod was I wet. I swear, it had never felt so good. i swear.
wololo!
Anyway, he got out because we werent condomizing (lol wat a word) and i think that gave us time to think. The condoms were right there...I wanted him so bad but we didnt go on.

HE went for his paper and then went to library to prepare for his next one. Then I joined him at the lib but to meet with a friend of mine who we were ment study for MY paper with. He came to say hi. He kissed me on the forehead. He went back to his table upstairs. He texted me telling me I smelled good. Before his paper he came to say bye. Sweet things.

At night, he tried to kiss me. we were in public. I moved away jokingly sayin that I cant let people see us together. And that opened a can of worms!!!!
So as expected the next day he came to school fr his last papers and I could tell he was edgy. He later confronted me about how what i did hurt him. He also said that he saw it comong becasue all day the day before he saw it that I really have left him. And that I was detaching. And that when we had our last fight and i broke up with him he thought that it was just a fight and that we would end up together again as we always did and when he came over the day before he thought that that would be it...but I was 'detached'.
And... get this...that I am embarassed of him eti becasue i didnt want to be seen with him! Eti I want a better guy thats why i was ashamed BLOOOOODY HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its cuz if people saw us together theyde think im tha stupid girl going back to a miserable relationship. I HATE HATE HATE LOOKING WEAK.
He was so firm on his stand then i became angry and he became rude and i became bitchy an we fought urgh. stupid boy. we concluded and i left 4 home almost crying. then he followed me... i mean if youre bored by now reading this stop cuz the same shit recurrs aaaalll night.

Finally he leaves. I make it clear that he wasnt a booty call but i dont want us to get back together.

Moving foward..
Theres a guy sort of in my life. His name is Blast From The Past (BFP). Knew him in Primary school. Had a crush on him but he was in 6yellow and I wa in 6green so i hardly saw him.And then me and Gitush started dating...
I dont want to Jinx it so letme leave it at that.

PS: AlienBubble, Curly fries and gaypeace, thank you for youre sweeet emails and all. My nights arnt so lonely cuza yall. much love

The Makings

2009-10-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

FINALLY im seated infront of my laptop blogging... long time. It's so hot outside krist! I wish I could have sex rite now...with ice cube props.

Oh man, oh man, alot has happened in the past since-the-last-time I published something.I went to coast, hot bar tender bought my cousins and I drinks everytime we drank at their (cousins) hotel...I lusted over him yummm,got back, started my schoolsemester and so on >>

Last weekend, I FINALLY HAD THE STOMACH TO END THINGS WITH BABY!. Omigod we was Furious!!!! maaaaddddddd!! He sent some really awfull texts; like I dont even know how hw went off talking to me like that...! Anyway, after he talked shiiiiit I sent him a text saying 'lenga sending such txts to me.' ANd then I didnt talk to him again.

Lately, theres been a weird oddness in my so-cool-super-girl-crew. LIke have you ever walked into a room and known that the poeple there were talking about you even if it was two hours after? yeah, that weirdness. Like a couple of days ago,X made this snicker when I said something. Ew.. Blair woldorf is a fictional character you know...Its a mockery to try and be her. and then there was this time I walked up to Y and Z... that awkward glare/air of 'we bitched about you'... Fake hi how r uz... Y is really good at hiding it but Z isnt, so i could feel it. W has been checking up on me all week cuz of the break up n all so when i mentioned it to her she said "youre noticing now!" and then W metioned it to B, B called me and told me to get used to it. Whoa, okay!! lol. It doesnt bother me too much, jst a little. Probably because I have alot going on right now and my neighbour,CrazyM has so much syke for the world shes always over here giving me her latest vibe. Plus, W and B and em Puppy...are cool with me and thats a relief.

So on Friday as usuall B called me. She shouts over the phone its hillarious. I wasnt really down for a plan so i just told her not to come for me. I dont have class on friday and my cousin Mirror spent the night and >>> anyway, mirror had class so I had to go to skul and give her the jewellery she left at my house. we had had a crazy thursday. My ex and his friends and I and Mirror drank like maaddd and then they all came to my house and we drank some more and danced then the alcohol ran out, then thw boys went to get some more and then we drank some more. yeeshhh i was so hangover friday. On my way to school I kept thinking i was going to bump into Baby. I could feel it in my soul that he was just around the corner. I wanted to bump into him i think. So that he could see me and then Ide walk off with an attitude.
Well it didnt happen.

Friday night- 2am
I hear men's voices outside my bedroom window. Im convinced it thugz. shit. Then theres a knock on my front door (azif i have a back door)... That three-times knock (reffer to former blogs). okay, so its Baby. SO i shout "(his name)???"
"Yeah its me."
( what the fuck!! has he come to see me? so he's missing me! why has he come with our watchie?)

I open the door. My eyes cant even adjust to the light (lightbulb).
"What are you doing here?" I ask,as if im not somewhat glad to see him. he looked really cleaned up. shaven. all black...crisp shirt.. cologne..
"Beau,Ive come with him (watchie) incase you beat me up... and incase you let me in the watchie can go tell the cab guy to go."

I dont know why I got angry at him all over suddden.( kwani he thinks he can just come here anytime he wants). MAybe its becasue he didnt come on a horse, and a shining armour.
"(his name) uve come for a booty call...!" i demand

he kept quiet... then came closer to me...slowly... as if he thought Ide slam the door. and then he said "purple due, my mom isnt getting any better. her results are back... I dont want us to shag. can we please talk?" his voice was shaking!! my heart melted. INSTANT. I didnt show it. but i let him in.
We talked for about an hour. Mostly about how things at his house are terrible. Its so so so sad. his hoome is an emotional hell. I'de never seen any man that destroyed. not even on TV. Oh man. I could cry just remembering. We slept together. cuddled. I was half skeptical half liking it.
He was kissing my face...over and over...I slept.

Next morning I made breakfast. we were chatting alot! it was so nice. he was telling me how the day before when he was in school he was hoping he would bump into me. eti he weent to all the pubs around school hoping to see me :-) hahaha. I didnt dare tell him that the same thing happened to me.
Anyway, when I was making the bed, he was gettn ready to go to school and the moment we were silent I asked him if we could have a sit down... Then he said " Please, not today. Can we just enjoy this?"
Emotional BlackMail!!
"okay" I responded understandingly.
SO THATS WHERE WE ARE NOW... ENJOYING THIS FOR NOW... IM SO CONFUSED!!! I was ready to move on. I mean i still love him to death but, i was ready to just be alone. I feel like Kourtney (kardashian)... That episode when Scott appeared in Miami.

:-) :-) :-) but i dont mind. Lets just see how this plays out.
Haiya. hes just called lol
Ciao!!!

Always and Forever baby

2009-09-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

My Grandparents are having their 60 year anniversary wedding this Saturday. Yes, Sixty… Diamond Anniversarry.
I remember ten years ago when I was just shy of my first period when they celebrated their 50 year Golden Jubilee Wedding and I thought then ‘I have to remember this day because they’ll never make it to 60’ (I thought they would have died of old age; together, holding hands on a bed waiting for angels to take them to heaven…That was me, ten years ago).

I wasn’t scared of butterflies
I wasn’t scared to kiss
Scared to blush, scared of bliss
I wasn’t scared to start
I wasn’t scared to wish
And believe that it would happen to me
Or that he, would happen to me
I wasn’t scared of sex; the outcomes of sex
I wasn’t scared of touch, sweet carress
I was; not, scared of love
I loved Love…

Poteito; Potato

Today, Baby came over to my new crib. We were both scared shitless because we didn’t know what time my mom and dad would come home. MY dad had told me once in a drunken stupor that he would shoot Baby if he didn’t leave me alone; because of the little accident
That’s over now. Daddy dearest doesn’t even remember saying that. But he knows I’m still with Baby
The two have never met.

He smelled so good today and we were so happy. Every time we heard a car pull in we’d rush to the window to check!! A couple of times I punked him. He almost peed his pants. You know, it felt so good today…It took me back to 3 years ago when we met and he used to come over to our older house. See my family wasn’t in Kenya this whole time and they just recently resettled… having Baby here and sneaking around the way we did was Dejavous the end!!! It also reminded me of how I felt when I was falling in love with him. Yall can’t even understand how I was feeling… Everything felt fresh and young and clean and innocent; sorta like cold lettuce the morning. Random association.
Or Maxwell playing at the peak of an orgasm.

Anyways we were making out like crazy and oh my god I hadn’t been that horny in FOREVER!!!! FOREVER!! I dash to my room and then get back to the livingroom and tell him “okay my room faces the main gate so if we do doggy, we can be on the look out… You have a condom?”
“yeah I carried two...”
So we go. I was in my position, like an obedient slave as I waited for him to slip on the condom. Why was he taking so long!
“Sweety just turn, I’ll look …(stay on the watch out).” He ordered
“azin on my back?”
“it’s a quickie boo, (mwah). Get.” he grunted

HAHAHAHA. Eti “Get”.. I started laughing as he slid in
“Aki boo tutashikwa..!”

Jesus.
Sex is love. Pick your argument, but it is.

“Always and Forever Purpledew?”he was waiting for a response
hug…hug
“mmmm….”

Then after that we went and bought two cigarettes and smoked them on the balcony. I ashed them on the same spot where my dad does his to avoid a trail

I had sex and smoked in my father’s house. In my world this is living life on the edge…
XoXo

I HATE-YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW AAHHHH!

2009-08-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

im stuck in this. I try to get out and I never ever reach the finish line. This isnt supposed to be me!! this isnt suppossed to be my life.

I wake up in the morning and im suppossed to be happy to call you, but im edgy because who knows, it might turn into a fight.
I wait for you at our usuall spot, as has been for three years, but im not looking foward to seeing you. becoz who knows, it might turn into a fight.
I panic when I see '1 missed call'. I was doing a number two scuze me. Im scared of calling back because who knows, it might turn into a fight.

Baby's mom hasnt been doing too good. Shes been in hospital for the past three weeks. But i have to say, these have been the best three weeks of our relationship in a really long time. Hes not always having a drink, hes studying more, hes all over me. Last week, she seemed to be getting better. And i was relieved. but, He spent the weEkend in THE HOOD. I mean its not like i didnt see him or i was feeling neglected, infact he spent two nights here before that and i loved it-most of it.. But i just hate THE WAY he drinks...his 'so hood' crew and aaarrrgh ol the shit that comes with it. I need a man who is more focused than me ... alas.
Im almost graduating and im not just holding on to my dreams anymore, im getting out there and grabbing them. This college recklessness cant be a part of my 24hr life much longer so, call me an up tight librarian right now but, honey, im getting grown.

Last week I made dinner. Pan fried chicken, coconut rice.. candles, Baileys ... It was ssoooo kewl. while we were still eating I started to tease him with my toes ( we ate on the floor) ,and then LOL, LOL, i started licking on a drumstick :in and out of my mouth(BLUSH) aaaaannnyyyyway... >>foward, FYI, rug burns are not a myth. When he was tring to reach for the condom under my over sized pillows at the corner of the living room he knocked our glasses of baileys. One of the glasses broke :-( (they were a gift from my best friends for my last birthday). Theeen i realised one of the glasses still had managed to save a little bit of the liqeour so i sipped it and went down on on Baby with the drink in my mouth. best tasting blowjob...!

So today wast so good. We had a random fight before saying goodnight jana, (ova the phone) so when he came to the bar today (where I was with all my girls) it wasnt so lovey dovey as it usually is. but we ignored that and had a good time. before long we were back to our usuall PDA. Elec disappears at the bar. Hes MIA with his SO HOOD peoples sumwea outside. I call. He comes. Just for a second.. he goes back. people start throwing bottles in the dark at the bar. WHAT THE FUCK. Im scared our rival wanna-be-just-like-us freshman girl crew will throw a bottie our direction. me and blackrose (my girl)start to cover our faces under the table. hillarious.. Bootyfull(girl of mine) throws a bottie. how random . I laugh. a taa is brot. thankgod the games stop. I call baby, "please come get me, i wanna go"
"sawa u can go"
"azin i cant walk home inthis black out and my girls are leaving, could you please give me a ride?" (I shouldnt even be asking for a ride wat the ffuck, kweli hez not worried about me...Ngai. I almost cried!)
He comes. hes driving some car ( he doesnt own one) I get in. Hes acting mooody for me. we reach my place. i confront him. he says something about me not knowing when his hurting. that i never know and ive never known. to me hes talking shit cuz thats jus bull. i ask him to tell me what i do wrong because i put everything into this. I ask him if he wants to be with me beacuse my best is average for him. he says we will talk tomorrow. MY used to be dainty heart isnt even scathed by this... im so used to him doing this. making me feel this way. ..Yall dont even know the shit ive put up with.
I want out.

My squirtsexual awakening

2009-08-01T14:00:00.001-07:00

I cant even wait to get to a computer to type this so excuse my typing errors n slight ommissions but i swear to keep in the details..
Baby and I are back..to the sex. Friday ...10.am, i wake up. Groggy and I need to pee like a horse. I stumble to the loo and release, catching a wink of sleep in the process. There's a knock on the door. IT CANT BE HIM. Baby dsnt knock like, an ordinary 3knock.he knocks twice-two times. I convince myself its those wajenziz in the next building nd continue my biz. AGAIN,the knock. Shit. Its him. Before i open the door i peek thru the curtain n see him. His back to the door and then "BOO!!"
"yaaah"
he turns around. I yank myself from the door. Shit
okay
so i open the door
we hug...for long
crap,i didnt brush my teeth last night. No dont kiss me. Oh god he's kissing me. Hes sitting down. Here comes my verbal diahorrea...
Im taaaaaaalkin and taaaalking
asking about his mum his brother his houseboy!
Okay so its not like we hadnt seen each othr. Hed actually taken me out for lunch on wednesday nd i loved it. Nothing goes together better than me and him. But u c its a family tradegy that brought us back together. Like a-date-together. Forget when he spent the night two weeks ago. That was just nostalgia. Anywho. The chemistry was so fucking ridiculous.hes tough exterior was minus..n im just a sucker for romance. Hes was sooo into me that wednesday.sofucking cute

sooo
i brush my teeth. Get back on the sofa. Look at his black shirt. So sleek like that. And that vein that pops on his neck when he lafs. Yeah that was me who made him laf
//foward//
i cum

in bed. Post sex. Im giving him storo scooting up close to his side of the bed cuz my side is well,inhabitable at the time .hes listening while smoking a cigarette.
I turn.
Im small spoon. Hes big spoon
his hand is on my thigh..now its on my..er diamond.
I place my fingers on his to direct his movement.

oooh fuck
no this way baby... yES THAT WAY
my thighs start to get tight so i know its coming

then i get this convulsion! Like im getting a fucking epileptic attack. Wat the fuk??i dont know! Then at the time of the convulsion,i get a blak out. My eyes r shut but its a big BLaNK.!!! azin i feel like ive one deaf or something an di cant see ..I cant explain that thing....!
Baby is still at it!!! im in total surrender
and then seconds later i convulge AGAIN,wtf... Exhale and nd the orgasm holds tight in my pussy n then sweet jesus i release .!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there it gooes gushing on the radio... .... .... .....
.... .... .... ... ...
...
....

did i just....???? was that a..?!!

"Boo its not fair uve cum twice..." Baby groans and flips me on my back.

Detaching...

2009-07-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

I have never been this sure about ending this...
For the first time in forever my heart is in sync with my mind!!
Why the fuck does life play out like this!!!!!! Is this a fucking joke!

Im a sucker for this shit and im in this mess cuz im sloppy on such decisions. shiiiit.

((and now i have writer's block))
Okay,.. so
Baby's pathetic (cute-pathetic)gestures of love are just fucking up with my decisiveness
It was killing me last night;watching his heart break infront of me as he was realising that i really am done with this. And I caaaant do that. so shoot me if you think that Im stupid for letting him spend the night here.I am game (lOL!! GET IT??) NWAY, I literally said NO. NO go to westy wasnt that your plan. !! fuuuck oh no hes walking with me to my house.. okay is he sindikishaing me?? 'Sassy' Im coming to your house if he decides to spend the night..!!
Sassy,"sweetie I love you but i might be having someone over hihihi..."
Mayn I wish I was like her. When she makes up her mind ther's no turning back. Me on the other hand, im just losing my gansta credit over this sloppy business.

We get home. He has a bottie, im excited we drink it!! MJ is playing back to back on hot 96..I GET SUPA EXCITED!!, change into my boxers, grab my heels, start singing along.. Im intoxicated but alert.. and look at him, dancing with me trying to smile BUT I can see his pain .(dO you know how sad that looks)... Trying to be on beat with the song 'dont stop till you get it all..get up..!' azin he cant dance.. aki woiye..
Shit. shiyyyet.
Do you know what it feels like to absolutely not want something but find yourself unable to get out of the fucking paradox??!!

I just cannot cannot cannot bring myself to tell him...like straight, that Im done. shit.

How will I even begin to start telling my girls that we are together-ish again...! im tired of it, im sure they are... my storoz about him to them now are jst wanna those things you listen to while filing your nails saying 'uh huh' or push a big yawn back down your throat.

Night two
he's right here...dead asleep.
Its raining outside... this is my favourite weather in the world. Im spsd to be mooshy and randy and romantic when its raining. Im with the man I love and im feeling (blank).

Nicotine. Thats my therapy.

Detaching...

2009-07-24T13:12:00.002-07:00

I have never been this sure about ending this...
For the first time in forever my heart is in sync with my mind!!
Why the fuck does life play out like this!!!!!! Is this a fucking joke!

Im a sucker for this shit and im in this mess cuz im sloppy on such decisions. shiiiit.

(and now i have writer's block)
Okay,.. so
Baby's pathetic (cute-pathetic)gestures of love are just fucking up with my decisiveness
It was killing me last night;watching his heart break infront of me as he was realising that i really am done with this. And I caaaant do that. so shoot me if you think that Im stupid for letting him spend the night here.I am game (lOL!! GET IT??) NWAY, I literally said NO. NO go to westy wasnt that your plan. !! fuuuck oh no hes walking with me to my house.. okay is he sindikishaing me?? 'Sassy' Im coming to your house if he decides to spend the night..!!
Sassy,"sweetie I love you but i might be having someone over hihihi..."
Mayn I wish I was like her. When she makes up her mind ther's no turning back. Me on the other hand, im just losing my gansta credit over this sloppy business.

We get home. He has a bottie, im excited we drink it!! MJ is playing back to back on hot 96..I GET SUPA EXCITED!!, change into my boxers, grab my heels, start singing along.. Im intoxicated but alert.. and look at him, dancing with me trying to smile BUT I can see his pain .(dO you know how sad that looks)... Trying to be on beat with the song 'dont stop till you get it all..get up..!' azin he cant dance.. aki woiye..
Shit. shiyyyet.
Do you know what it feels like to absolutely not want something but find yourself unable to get out of the fucking paradox??!!

I just cannot cannot cannot bring myself to tell him...like straight, that Im done. shit.

How will I even begin to start telling my girls that we are together-ish again...! im tired of it, im sure they are... my storoz about him to them now are jst wanna those things you listen to while filing your nails saying 'uh huh' or push a big yawn back down your throat.

Night two
he's right here...dead asleep.
Its raining outside... this is my favourite weather in the world. Im spsd to be mooshy and randy and romantic when its raining. Im with the man I love and im feeling (blank).

Nicotine. Thats my therapy.

Detaching...

2009-07-24T13:12:00.001-07:00

I have never been this sure about ending this...
For the first time in forever my heart is in sync with my mind!!
Why the fuck does life play out like this!!!!!! Is this a fucking joke!

Im a sucker for this shit and im in this mess cuz im sloppy on such decisions. shiiiit.

(and now i have writer's block)
Okay,.. so
Baby's pathetic (cute-pathetic)gestures of love are just fucking up with my decisiveness
It was killing me last night;watching his heart break infront of me as he was realising that i really am done with this. And I caaaant do that. so shoot me if you think that Im stupid for letting him spend the night here.I am game (lOL!! GET IT??) NWAY, I literally said NO. NO go to westy wasnt that your plan. !! fuuuck oh no hes walking with me to my house.. okay is he sindikishaing me?? 'Sassy' Im coming to your house if he decides to spend the night..!!
Sassy,"sweetie I love you but i might be having someone over hihihi..."
Mayn I wish I was like her. When she makes up her mind ther's no turning back. Me on the other hand, im just losing my gansta credit over this sloppy business.

We get home. He has a bottie, im excited we drink it!! MJ is playing back to back on hot 96..I GET SUPA EXCITED!!, change into my boxers, grab my heels, start singing along.. Im intoxicated but alert.. and look at him, dancing with me trying to smile BUT I can see his pain .(dO you know how sad that looks)... Trying to be on beat with the song 'dont stop till you get it all..get up..!' azin he cant dance.. aki woiye..
Shit. shiyyyet.
Do you know what it feels like to absolutely not want something but find yourself unable to get out of the fucking paradox??!!

I just cannot cannot cannot bring myself to tell him...like straight, that Im done. shit.

How will I even begin to start telling my girls that we are together-ish again...! im tired of it, im sure they are... my storoz about him to them now are jst wanna those things you listen to while filing your nails saying 'uh huh' or push a big yawn back down your throat.

Night two
he's right here...dead asleep.
Its raining outside... this is my favourite weather in the world. Im spsd to be mooshy and randy and romantic when its raining. Im with the man I love and im feeling (blank).

Nicotine. Thats my therapy.

Detaching...

2009-07-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

oh well

2009-07-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

I get home, straight to my computer to start on a bunch of boring assignments. Here I am loving the new focused me that surfaced since yesterday when two texts buzz in one after the other on my cell. Baby and A.S
I laugh by myself.
Im anxious to open them both. okay, A.S
Shes arrived well at 'thhaaat country' ..hala whenever she says. I go back to the top of the message and read it again.

last weekend I raved cuz of her.it was her last weekend. She ditched me all night, her phone was 'in the car' (all night)so I couldnt reach her. Im forced to call her stupid friend because I mean, I have to see her before she leaves... Find out shes not coming tO the club that she said she will come to so silly me I go to the club shez at. BIG MISTAKE. I get there and ocourse stupider friend number 2 and stupid 1 get together and start to bitch about me being there. I hate stupider (male) the most. Stupid (Female) is just irrelevant to my life. the story of how we became such enemies is a whole other blog but we were once all really good friends.
god i hate Stupider. Anyway, A.S is going on and on about how sorry she is about her phone being in the car, smoking cigarrete after the next, sipping my water, turing her attention away for a second to respond to something happening 100feet away and then she gets back to me. She thrives on this fanship that she gets from all these people. it feeds her ego so much and i can see it, and there I was feeding that shit.
She says amidst 10million things that she 'thinks' that her and her People have to go. I get up and start looking for a cab guys number... I summon her away from her drooling fans and we start to talk. she asks me to get along with stupid and stupider, then stupider comes.. "err...sorry for cock blocking but AS we gatta go so er..." I laugh.
"Cock blocking!???" i retort
"theres no cock involved" A.S says and then turns around to tend to another fan, and then I laugh responsivley "yeah there's no cock involved...!" Stupider looks at me dead in the eye and says "You dont exist.. Er.. A.S can we leave?!"
"wait Stupider, what have I done to you that you can say something like that?" (my beef is with Stupid, not him... he is just really close to stupid so he has her back plus he hates that A.S and me have this whole BIcurious fling because he likes A.S... Azin, LIKES-LIKES)
"say what?" A.S finally catching up with whats going on
"That I dont exisit.. Why would you say that?"
"yeah why would you say that to her?" A.S
He sneers and walks off.

AS continues talking to whoever that was behind her...

Stupiders comment hurts me, rather than piss me off as would most things and I feel tears in my eyes. throw my cigarette and walk off.

A.S i think notices my absence and i can hones$tly see her from the corner of my eye, gesturing with her hands on her temples and over her chest (heart) how 'stressfull' this is all making her as random fan comforts her. as usuall, the drama now turns to her, her feelings and shit. I text my girl for a cab number cuz i see none. Its 6.30in the fucking a.m and im in stupid galileo's. A.S and her friends hurudle aroud their mortie about 50 yards to my right. Stupid's boyfriend ( hes cool) comes and asks if im okay (transport) and i say ive called a cab. he advices me to go round the other side as there are cabs there. I do that. Walk past AS and her stupid friends... She doenst follow after me, ask me how am getting home nothing... I leave. That was the first time in my LIFE that I left the rave alone. wacha even story for chiboz, just alone like that!!

3hours later I get an Im sorry text. WHat does she want? for me to 'understand'?! ure fucking kidding me. shez not sorry. this was her being her. It hits me why I stopped talking to her a couple of years back when we were neighbours. I have heart but im not going to turn to a lil bitch. I was walking well into that path that night.
Shes like the best friend I will never have. Love her to death,always have her back, but I just cant stand her shit.

<<<im yet to reply A.S's.

Baby's text. I stare at his name on my phone and then I open it

"I miss you so much..."

The perfect messege that would lure me straight back into his arms
we are broken up since last night. I feel so alone without him but it is almost like a load off my shoulders. we both know that its over. But three years isnt something easy to let go of. Again I am confident enough to say that he loves me.

"So do I Baby." i reply

I finish my work, go to the microwave to warm my supper, then i see the roach thathas been living in my moicrowave.. ew.It doesnt like walk around there, it is stuck im between the glass thru which u can see into the microwave YYYUUUUCCCKK. I tried using a fork to create a crack on the door of the m.wave and then spraying RAID in there.. i thot it died i didnt use the damn thing for a week and i cleaned it like crazy after that, but then today i saw it walk in th glass. u see the door of a mircowave has a dual glass noow the roach is inbetween there. I am abit of a clean freak and im insectophobic, so im going psycho!! its so true that roaches can survive micro waves and nuclear waves and all. gross.. Gross gross gross gross

Virgin Post

2009-07-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

couldnt make it for my morning meeting so i just slumped back on my pillow after the alarm clock rang for the a milionth time... I hate that buzzer mayn. its so annoying. But then i couldnt get back to sleep cuz the water pump at my apartment building had just been turned on. .. and that dog from the massionette across our building...!!!! Noise pollution aarrrrgh. I missed my significant other. no kiss on the forehead in the morning today. ..or the feeling of his chest hair on my face.. or the 'where did that come from' hard-on he would get in the morning, after which he would hold my knickers to the side and- &$*%

<<<< STOP!!!!!>>>>

Im suppossed to be moving on, or alteast I'm telling myself that i should be. Me and him, we are complicated. Always have been from the start. Three years. But that was the beauty of IT ALL.Im confident ehough to say that he loves me. SOb. The details of our love affair are not relevant to my fellow bloggers, but what is is that we are almost-broken up. We are at that point where we have broken up over ten times and each time i think that this is really it. but theeeen, he calls or i email... never ending cycle I tell you. and now we are broken-up again. It is moments like this that make me so vulnerable and I want to hear his husky morning voice.

I go to the kitchen and gulp down a glass of water.

Throught the day, he keeps pooping into my head. Its been three days since we last spoke. And I miss him. But because i know going back to that would probably not work, (we've tried for so long), I manage to lie to myself that Im doing great without him.
I need a drink.

At the bar with my girls... I swore to myself that I wouldny touch a cigarette just for today, but my friend, lets call her El, passes my a smoke and cant say no. El asks me if ive spoken to A.S... takes ma a second to respond..Im enjoying the 1st puff.. "no." I respond. I wasnt upset or anything, but before I get a 100% thumbs up that shez gana show for any of our plans, my strategy is to expect the worst i.e she doent show u and this way i dont get too disapointed. its worked. And besides, this wouldnt be the 1st time shez stood me up. AYAM A SUCKER FOR LOVE! WHAAAAT(...is it with you and judging me already)..! I just wish she showed tho. i love her company. everything with her is brizzay and kewl ad no pressha even if i start to get gurl-crush on her.

We get tipsay!!! TallDarkSexy(TDS), Extrovert(X) and coastdude (CD) are so much fun to hang out with. Im so glad that El has made friends with these guys while she was on a trip with them to 'thaaat' country. With the rising level of alcohol and nicotine in my bloostream, so does my randiness. Oh no, that lesbian who was hitting on me last year (reffer to my first post) walks in. fuck. Recepie for disaster. She doesnt jazz me and talking aout her is ikky so lemmi just take you through this real quick. She buys us a bottie and me a separate drink (since the other day when A.S and me got drunk i cant stand the taste of spirits)..my galz get so jazzed cuz of the free alcohol and Vay(another one of my gals)starts insisting that i go sit with lesbian gurl so that the drinks keep coming (for them). I say hell no.
Les gurl catches me on my way out later on. Oh she says she is still into me- i shouldnt be so quiet-i look nice- my bf dst know what hez lost.. And then i start to feel 'woiye' for her. I hate, yes. but she is a very beautiful human being on the real. I just feel NOTHING for her..

I call A.S
As usual she sounds lethargic on the phone.
So then I'm forced to muffle my excitement (every time!!)

Shez not gana show up.
Whatever.

One last stop to a different pub for shots. I duck that vibe and come home.
First time i feel like breaking down because Babybeau (the ex) is not around.
What is he doing??
probably drinking. His usual pass time. (caused big fights).. His excuse being that Nairobi isnt like New York and that I shouldnt expect him to hve "tickets for the game friday night" cuz Nairobi doesnt have much to do.

I call A.S cuz my stupid blog wont open.
Lethargic..

"I get so lonely" Janet Jackson.